Domestic Violence and Financial Abuse - left with £000's worth of debt

downandoutagain

Hello Everyone, 

I am in desperate need of help.  So after nearly 4 years of domestic violence and financial abuse, I finally ended the relationship.  Put him out and changed the locks.  

I am receiving some support from Womens Aid, but resources are stretched.  I have also been diagnosed with PTSD and Severe Anxiety and Depression.

How I have managed to hold down a job I will never know, because I am living on my last nerve.  

Up until now I have ignored all of my financial problems, but I know it cannot go in indefinitely.  I have had to face the extreme situation that I find myself in as a result of allowing this man to destroy my life in so many ways. 

I will cut short the story, but in short, he never worked, never contributed and wanted / demanded a champagne lifestyle.  Expensive cars, designer clothes, fancy food and alcohol, luxury breaks  and a woman on his arm, dressed to his requirements were all but a tiny part of my day to day life.  If he didnt get his way, he would threaten to leave me.  He had been married more than once, and at the first opportunity put an engagement ring on my finger, but thought nothing of standing up me at the register office, but expected the relationship to continue.  which if course it did.  i was a single mom with two children, but had a good credit rating, and he plain took advantage of it.  

roll on, and he is now, to a degree out of my life. 

i couldn't afford his lifestyle, and I told him time over and time over, but didn't want anymore arguments and the violence was beyond words, I needed surgery in the end, so my credit cards increased, overdrafts increased, I took personal loans, just to make ends meet.  He promised when he went back to work he would pay his way.... it never happened. 

So I am left with £58,000 worth of debt, 100% of it wracked up as a result of this relationship.  He has refused to pay me back, refuses to collect his belongings, refuses to tell  me where he lives, and I have no confidence that he has notified his creditors of his new address as his post was still coming to my house, along with CCJ's and debt collection letters, he rarely paid for his keep, and when he did it was because he transferred money from his credit card to his bank account.  he probably paid his own bills for 3 months out of nearly 4 years.  

my creditors are now knocking on my door, I have spoken to one and explained the situation, and they have agreed t put my case on hold as i had received a LBA and i missed the response date.  they have said they will investigate my case, but what that means I dont know. 

I was advised to take out an IVA, but I am scared to do that.  I just am lost 

whilst in the background my ex has taken a £40,000+ lump sum from his pension and is living a life of riley, like a prince. 

i would be so grateful for any help and guidance.... please 

sourcrates

Sorry to hear this, you must of had a terrible time of it.

The good news is the debt is the easy part, is it all in your name ?

There are a number of solutions to tackle bad debt, which one is right for you depends entirely on your personal circumstances, can you fill out a statement of affairs (SOA) that way its much easier to advise on your options, calculator is here -

SOA Calculator (stoozing.com)

At the bottom of the page it will say "format for MSE" click on that, and post it back on this thread.

downandoutagain

yes, all in my name, he was smart like that!

and ok

powerspowers

What a 🤬
you aren’t alone, financial and physical abuse go hand in hand. There’s a charity called surviving economic abuse who may be able to give better advice 
https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/financial-support-line/
you can ask for a “breathing space” which pauses your debt repayments whilst you sort out a plan, I’d get some advice to start with. 

Good luck, you can rebuild from this ☺️

downandoutagain

powerspowers said:

What a 🤬
you aren’t alone, financial and physical abuse go hand in hand. There’s a charity called surviving economic abuse who may be able to give better advice 
https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/financial-support-line/
you can ask for a “breathing space” which pauses your debt repayments whilst you sort out a plan, I’d get some advice to start with. 

Good luck, you can rebuild from this ☺️

i will try, but just feel like i am going around in circles.  

i will be 70 by the time that i have paid this off.  i will never be free, nor away from this

powerspowers

downandoutagain said:

powerspowers said:

What a 🤬
you aren’t alone, financial and physical abuse go hand in hand. There’s a charity called surviving economic abuse who may be able to give better advice 
https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/financial-support-line/
you can ask for a “breathing space” which pauses your debt repayments whilst you sort out a plan, I’d get some advice to start with. 

Good luck, you can rebuild from this ☺️

i will try, but just feel like i am going around in circles.  

i will be 70 by the time that i have paid this off.  i will never be free, nor away from this

You’ve done the hardest part already - you’ve set yourself free.
 

Rebuilding will take time. There are loads of options for dealing with debt and I’d let the professionals give you advice on which one take.  You are taking control bit by bit and every step you take is one further away from that piece of 💩 

You mentioned support workers, is there anyone you see regularly who could help you work out the next step? 

downandoutagain

womens aid and the other support functions are so stretched that they arent taking any more cases for the forseeable future.  

i feel like there is no way out, and i have no idea how to manage this , its becomming bigger than me and i am afraid that my life is defined by what he did to me.  my creditors want all of their money.  they dont care about the abuse or the why, to them its in my name and i owe it.

there is such little help out there for victims

Grumpelstiltskin

I know you feel overwhelmed but if you complete your SOA and post it on here we can see what the answer might be.

You have to do something yourself and once you know the way forward things will begin to fall into place.

Your creditors will have to wait until you have decided which way to go.

Whilst ever you are panicking he is winning, don't let him win.

moving_forward

Surviving abuse is hard work and you will be on an emotional rollercoaster for a while. Ask doctor for help with dealing with the emotional part.
The finances will get done but again hard work on your part. 
You have down the hardest part of all which is to say enough's enough and get rid. Move his stuff into a shed in big bags. He's had enough time to collect. Cut all ties. He will use the stuff as an excuse to try and come back in your life. 
When your a bit more up to it sort through and see if anything you can sell to help with the debt.
Be kind to yourself it's not your fault. Many victims of abuse are made to feel guilty and responsible your not. You were conned and you have faced it head on..huge hugs xxx

kazwookie

You need to set about proving to the banks or similar you were a victim of ID fraud.

Start to get a list together of ££ is owed to whom, with dates, interest amounts %, amounts you have paid. etc.

Report the matter to the police as ID fraud.

Like others have said get up a soa.

moving_forward

With regards to the creditors. Tell them you are suffering with mental health. They can only contact you in writing from now on. And block the numbers.
Any post for him send back not at this address. You don't need to forward it. Anyone calls for him you say you don't know where he is and then block number.