A new chapter, An empty nest, Drama school & Last year of Uni

Spendless

The chaos continues. Yesterday I was in a car crash. A car coming in the opposite direction turned right in front of me. I couldnt brake sufficiently in time. My car was taken away. Due to age (nearly 20)  and damage I believe my car will be written off as a result. 

Id only just decided to go out on my return from my parents. Id been there longer than anticipated because my Dad who had gone out to run some errands. He returned about 1.5 hrs later and within 20 mins was complaining of being cold and physically trembling and shaking. I told him to put the fire on and gave him a blanket, then I wondered if he had low blood sugar (he's diabetic) as hed not eaten much before going out, was made a sandwich. Struggled to eat it due to trembling hands affecting coordination. Managed a little more and then had a 10 min sleep. Mum who ended up coming to help me out due to car crash, said he wasnt right with sweats though hed improved a little during the day. Mum said Dad had accidentally missed some meds recently whilst this with Nan is going on.

Meanwhile Mr S got hold of a handy man in the same area as DD as she needs to collect all belongings by end of month and due to the health and safety issue shes not prepared to return alone. Handy man agreed price, then couldnt be contacted, which left me thinking he wasnt going and  we would not receive our deposit back. Anyway Ive woken to a message from DH saying its sorted - I really hope thats the case. I feel Im at breaking point, with a fresh problem appearing each day.

Today I have a work shift, but thankfully only until early afternoon and then the weekend off. 
I am hoping to visit Nan this afternoon. Reports are that despite still being on oxygen she is 'lively' which is all well and good but it leads to a mistaken belief she is capable when she isnt and my parents arent in the position to keep propping this up. 






 

lucielle

Aww Spendless, hoping the planets align and you get some good luck! Take care
L

KxMx

I'm incredibly sorry to hear about the accident - having been in one myself as a passenger two years ago (wasn't fault of my friend driving) I know how horrible even a minor one can make you feel.

In terms of Nan there is medically fit and functionally fit. Once she is medically fit (no longer needs nursing care) they will then look at functional fitness, is the patient fit to look after themselves, what arrangements need to be in place for safe discharge to home or elsewhere.

Mum has had 10 admissions this year I know well the feeling of panic when medical fitness is approaching that they'll tip her out thinking she's fine to look after herself without an adequate care plan.

Your parents and other relative have all raised direct concerns with the Hospital and you can do the same if you wish to hammer the point home that Nan can't look after herself and parents can no longer provide any care.

I myself have been reluctant to get any further involved as a means of protecting my own health, but have realised now the inevitable point has arrived where I may need to get stroppy occasionally to make sure what's put in place is adequate.

Spendless

And so it got worse - could definately do with those planets aligning!. At 7am -an hour before I'm due to set off to work and Mum rings, Dad is no better, she thinks he's worsened and she can't work out how to ring 111 on her mobile phone and believes her landline no longer rings out and only receives incoming calls (I think she's wrong but not worth an argument about it). I say Mum's choices are to come and get me since I now have no car (Mr S was at the other side of the country!) so I can ring from theirs,  she couldn't as she wasn't dressed  or see if I rang what they could do as I wasn't the one who could give them details of how Dad was. 

I ring 111 and to give credit where it's due their call handler was an absolute star. I explained the call was about my Dad who lived at a different property and my Mum was 80 didn't do technology well and had no idea how to make the call. A 3 way call was set up between me, Mum and 111 (just needed Mum's permission for me to stay on the line). So helpful for things when Mum gave the wrong dob for Dad and I could add things I felt significant whereas Mum tends to get side tracked. Upshot was ambulance was called for Dad (not blue lighted) and I said I'd go to work but put my supervisor in the picture - who was an absolutely supportive star. Kept in regular contact with Mum throughout Dad being at urgent care unit /A & E. Eventually he was told he had a virus and also that he has angina which seemed news to both him and Mum, but he went into hospital with chest pains in 2016 and had a stent fitted and was released xmas eve I remember it well, so why did he think they'd fitted a stent if it was news to them both he had angina??!- I will try revisiting this convo when the dust settles!

Early afternoon with parents still at hospital I finish my shift and have decided I am going there to meet up with parents, visit Nan and talk to staff about the pressure on my own elderly parents to care for her when they too have ill health. We persuade Dad the right place for him to be is in the hospital coffee shop reading a paper not up on a ward spreading any germs, me and Mum visit Nan and eventually speak to her Nurse, where I say everything I have on here and thank you so much @KxMx for the phrase 'medically fit verses functionally fit' because that is exactly what I used and said that my parents have been left in a position where they've been left to pick up the pieces when carers stop coming not long after release and it's not on. I'm calling concerns over Nan not with the correct care and also worries about the impact on my parents who are 76 and 80. Nurse listened and said she believed that Nan would not be released home this time but into somewhere residential for a few weeks (whether this is now care home or the same sort of place other Nan went I don't know) Mum was with me and contrubuted to the discussion. then we left cos Nan was spotted walking down the corridor by herself with a frame cos she wanted the toilet and Nurse had to intervene cos she's not meant to go without assistance - which Nan knows!
So it's done I've said something - watch this space as to what happens next.

As for money saving the day before payday - forget it. I ate and drank 'on the hoof'paid return train fare and then didn't use one leg cos I needed to catch bus instead to hospital. Mum paid for the taxi for the 3 of us home though!

Tomorrow I want to write on here 'absolutely nothing happened all day long!' 

  

warby68

Well done for speaking up - speaking up really does serve you better in these situations but so hard to do when you are overriding some 'professional' recommendation but also possibly overriding your relative's views and undermining their abilities in doing so. I am pretty much alone dealing with my mum (only child, husband has his own side to manage) and she is undoubtedly difficult. I am reasonably willing and able to speak up and it is still the hardest ongoing job I've ever had. Its extremely hard even getting yourself into the decision space with the decision makers but that said, once you are there it does improve and I hope it does for you and your parents now. I was told to use the phrase 'unsafe discharge' liberally.

In fairness, the elderly relative often puts on a very convincing show of capability and promotes what they want in an almost selfish way sometimes. Quite understandably the medical staff assume capacity until proven otherwise so there is a big wall to come down there as well for them to start to listen to the family carers over their patient.

Spendless

Yes exactly what you've said @warby68. It was something I fetched up with Nurse that Nan is just believed with no evidence to back what she's saying she's capable of . I said that after the cooker got disconnected she has had to have a microwave and she's on her 3rd of this year cos she doesn't know how to use them, whereas my own needs replacing soon microwave is at least 3 years old.

 Nan is also as entitled as Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor (just without the seedy connections/activities) and my elderly parents shouldn't be falling into the role of default carers.

 I did use the word safeguarding (unsure if it was used in correct context) that my parents aren't capable of giving Nan the care she needs  and I have concerns over what it is doing to their health. I said when other Nan came into hospital and was discharged to the assessment centre it wasn't enough for her to claim she could make herself a cup of tea, she was told to go ahead and do one and watched whilst she did - this is 11 years ago though.

I have spoken to Mum since my last post  on here who says that Dad still isn't well but she felt that part of it is that he was in a 'huff' that we've spoken up. Dad agrees with us in private then when Nan makes demands caves in. I told Mum 'Tough, he's had all year to speak up and not done so, so it's been done for him cos he can't manage' and also that he can't fall out with me, Mum and his relative all at once and we're all singing from the same hymn sheet.

In other news there was around £89 left of DH's wages but some of that was a juggle of money from other accounts last night whilst we tried to get something sorted for DD's original apartment cleared, so I've just put the money in a seperate bank account for now to be dealt with tomorrow cos currently my brain is frazzled! 

Spendless

Friday and I've moved £10 into my savings account. There is now £30 in extra rent (for last week of DD's student tenancy) £32 each in lost and stolen and £72 in jabberwocky. There's also so far nothing happened today, however I have only been up 15 mins. I will update later -lol.  

Coxy11

Such a lot to be dealing with @Spendless but well done for speaking up and talking sense to the medical staff. I really hope they listen and act accordingly.

Here's to a quiet, non-eventful day for you and your family members xxx