A new chapter, An empty nest, Drama school & Last year of Uni

Spendless

Friday and money moved over to savings accounts. For the first time in months this money was able to come from my wages.
£5 went into extra rent to pay the final week of Dds student tenancy in the UK. This is now at £25.
For the other £5, £2 went into lost making it £30 in there and £3 to stolen making it £31. 

Spendless

Day 4 of a consecutive 5 day work rota. Can't wait to be off! Woken by the dog wanting to go out for a wee cos he doesn't know  it's an hour later than his body says it is! You should be able to adjust clocks in pets and children too -lol. 

A convo between me and DH this weekend  triggered by another event has got us saying that we need to stop wasting money thru the 'leaky spends' mostly caused by not food planning/prepping. It is causing food waste and, additional expenditure. Getting this under control will help our longer term plans.

Since I am up I have decided to put this to best practise. A gammon joint will be going in the SC. I have prepped some veg I had and needed using up. Long stem broccoli, carrot batons (bought cos I thought they would make an easy snack with a healthy dip - I didn't do it!), sugar snap peas. These are all placed in the electric steamer ready for Mr S to fill with water and switch on prior to collecting me from work. New potatoes sliced and in a pan of water. Prepping all this so Mr S has a mostly  'hands free' day re cooking  because he has some other life admin tasks to do today and it's this sort of thing when we're both busy that leads to the food disorganisation.

Mindful of this yesterday I took my lunch with me to work. Working in the city centre means there's plenty of food outlets and it's a habit that needs to stop. I need to return from work knowing it's cost me no more than the travel costs of commuting.  Thought I've not done a grocery shop from the cupboards (plus buying some bread rolls) I was able to take with me a cheese and pickle sandwich, bag of crisps, scone and the last 2 cans of lemonade we had in. Today I have another cheese and pickle sandwich, sausage roll and a slice of lemon drizzle cake (last 2 made by Mum but more was made than needed - explanation below). I also have some tap water chilling in the fridge ready for transfer into my reusable bottle (one of those that retains the temp of the liquid at the point you put in  hence the pre chillding). This extra hour is proving useful even if it has upset the dog's routine!  

We attended the Halloween waterways event last night that is close to where DS lives. Not as many participants as previously - have heard that that there was a date clash with a rival event, but plenty of spectators. Being not as busy suited us after I'd had a long work shift plus my parents who were supposed to join us ended up being unable to do so as Nan took ill. Nothing definate just an early call saying she was under the weather and  Dad went down and  found her with her head in her hands,  repeatedly saying she felt unwell. That hadn't changed by the time my work shift started but by the time of my break I had the sudden thought 'has anyone thought to ring 111' so I rang to check and no they hadn't, Dad thinking he had to wait till Monday morning and the Drs back open.  After my prompt to get Nan in 'the system' especially in case she detoriated,  phone call duly made and was told they would get hold of Nan's drs for a house call that could be upto 8pm that night - parents stayed, no one called! Nan went to bed, parents came home, having missed the event they were meant to watch with us (and Mum had baked the goodies for)  That's another reason to keep DH as 'hands free' as possible to do with meals just in case he's needed to help out elsewhere today. 

Spendless

Well the meal didnt get eaten, all saved for today and we ended up with a Chinese takeaway with my parents because at midnight Sat night Nan was admitted to hospital, something I was unaware of when I typed yesterday's message. Parents were contacted and went to the hospital and then returned home a few hours later for sleep and when they woke rang up Mr S because by that time I was at work. They were returning to the hospital so to keep things easy we suggested they came round here to eat and we rang something in (so it didn't matter what time they turned up). As for Nan I'm guessing that she has a water infection. Drs has said she's at the trail end of a virus (she did have a slight cold start about 2 weeks ago). She has reluctantly accepted a stoma, she didn't want to but was told quite firmly by the nurse that without it she wouldn't survive

 A Dr has also told parents that Nan is refusing the idea of a care home or carers so they can't make her - where does this leave my parents though? I've told Dad he has to say his own age and health mean he can't continue with the support he's giving. I have watched this year my parents struggle under the pressure, Mum now has a health condition brought on by stress, Dad hasn't the best of health.  I said to them within 5 years I'm not expecting to have you  left because this is reducing your lifespan and exactly what would be done if Nan hadn't got any famil - what happens in those circs. Do they really send someone 100 home alone who clearly can't manage just because they're refusing to accept professional help? I hope Dad is strong enough to fetch all this up at the hospital  before Nan is discharged - unforunately I'm not sure he is and I can't get there to speak up till I'm off work by which time she might be out. 

Honeysucklelou2

That’s such a tough conversation to have to have. Is he able to speak with the drs privately to explain?

Sorry to read that your Nan is in hospital and hope she gets better soon.

KxMx

Your Nan may be refusing because she views your parents as her care option.
If that option is taken away, her view might change and certainly the Hospital would have to look again at what a safe discharge would look like. 



Are you able to find time to make a phone call? You can ask for the ward or hospitals social care team, leaving a message if no one is available to talk. 
You are absolutely free to raise safeguarding concerns about sending Nan home without a care plan due to your parents ill health.

I almost had to do that for my Mums last admission, thankfully the plan to send her home with no support turned out to be a mix up.
I was able to make really clear I do not get hands on with her care - she asked for 3x week and somehow they assumed I bridged the gap. 

My other suggestion is would your parents listen better to other family members or friends expressing the same view? 

Coxy11

Such a stressful situation for you and your parents. I second making a phone call to explain to the social care team - it’s really not fair on your parents to do all the care because Nan is being stubborn. How will she/they cope now there’s a stoma to change?? 

Hope you can get someone to see sense x

Spendless

KxMx said:

Your Nan may be refusing because she views your parents as her care option.
If that option is taken away, her view might change and certainly the Hospital would have to look again at what a safe discharge would look like. 



Are you able to find time to make a phone call? You can ask for the ward or hospitals social care team, leaving a message if no one is available to talk. 
You are absolutely free to raise safeguarding concerns about sending Nan home without a care plan due to your parents ill health.

I almost had to do that for my Mums last admission, thankfully the plan to send her home with no support turned out to be a mix up.
I was able to make really clear I do not get hands on with her care - she asked for 3x week and somehow they assumed I bridged the gap. 

My other suggestion is would your parents listen better to other family members or friends expressing the same view? 

So slight update and the bolded bit is what has happened. Dad has a relative who also calls in on Nan. She was away on hol so didn't know about Nan's hospital admission till Mum put her in the picture yesterday morning. Relative is also retired from the health profession so has some idea of how to word things and how things work. She visited Nan yesterday and told her that my Dad was too old himself with health issues to continue being put on and that she had to consider alternatives. Relative then spoke to the Nurse and said the same thing. Nurse said she's put a note for Dr to speak to parents when they visited that afternoon which is what happened. They were called into an office to talk about Nan. Mum told them of everything that had gone off this past year, with Nan falling and hospital admission last time, the burnt out pan on the cooker that day and that they'd had to discnnect it. That she'd found a couple of other burnt out pans in the pantry. That Nan has not mastered how to use a microwave in all that time. The constant phone calls cos she needs help or says she's unwell and so on. 

I'd spoken to Mum before my shift yesterday and she said she'd spoken to Dad after I'd said something about it all on Sunday night (I do think it came as a shock when I told them due to the stress I wasn't expecting them to be here in 5 years time and had already said that to a friend of mine as I got the reply from both 'we were hoping for a bit longer'). Dad   as I suspected  said to my Mum  'what was he meant to do it was his Mum' resulting in a fall out between them (a common theme whilst this has all been going on - another reason for my concerns). Mum has been thru this though with her own Mum. In the end she accepted she had to be cruel to be kind and withdrew her support for my (other) Nan and only then was it accepted that (other) Nan had to go into care. She did have diagnosed dementia though.

I *think* Dad's  relative then speaking up at the hospital, then added to the growing pressure from me, Mum and now relative and when they were called in, Mum saw her opportunity to speak up about what has been happening. Also the other patients in Nan's ward complained to relative that they'd had little sleep as Nan had kept them awake all night causing a commotion with noise and so on. Relative reported that too, so it's becoming clearer that Nan can't manage whatever she says. Upshot is that a meeting has been planned for my parents with someone from liason (words Mum used - unsure if she's got correct term).

Question though - when my other Nan went into hospital she was discharged to this assessment centre where she stayed for a few weeks and it was decided she was incapable of going home (this is the time when Mum withdrew her support so she couldn't be discharged home). Mum seems to think this facility doesn't exist anymore, not just relocated,but  not something that happens. It's over 10 years ago since other Nan went there so I've no idea but I don't know why Mum thinks that - I've noticed an increasing tendancy for her to get muddled whilst they've been under this stress - another reason I'm concerned.


All this came on top of a very stressful week. There's been problems with DD's accommodation  where the Buildings company has accepted liability of a health and safety issue and allowed us to end the tenancy without penalty. DD now moved elsewhere. A clash of dates with 2 visitors over to her (the whole of 1 side of the family - DH included is bad with dates going back a generation which is why I get so annoyed when i's arent dotted and t's crossed - you all know you're bad at it, so double check or ask someone to double check!) . 

We've had to rejig finances due to an unexpected and not anticipated cost and I've had to take a compromise at work over some hours because without doing so I was risking my temporary contract and  with the money problem that's just reared it's head I couldn't take the gamble.

On the plus side we ate the gammon last night and it was lovely! DH is working away from this afternoon, so there's just me to feed here until payday. DD Shakespeare production took place. She met a household name Hollywood actor and his actress wife (sorry can't name) who was in the audience because their child attends same college and was in same production. 

This morning I have planned a long canal walk with a friend. I love our Canal walks, it takes an hour to get to the next village and next 'opening' so once on the path you can't get off till then  (which was a pain the day we got caught in a rainfall) but you can have the most private and personal conversations because no one else  can be at the side of you, you hear anyone behind and see anyone in front. You can't be overheard. Very good for off-loading which is what I need and I'm also glad I have no work shifts today or tomorrow as I need time to decompress.  

KxMx

I know locally what happened is someone had the genius (!) idea of closing convalescent homes to save money.

What happens now is any rehab care or temporary care that needs 24 hour support  tends to be done within a residential care home as a stop gap. So the person leaves hospital once medically fit and goes into residential care as an interim measure. 

It's likely to vary from area to area. 

warby68

I'm also aware of that option in both my region and my mum's , oh and another neighbouring region when I think about it. All in the NW. We're definitely at the 'sandwich' age, both us and friends - we all seem to have some variation of the care/elderly relatives conundrum going on now. Although yours is unusual in that you aren't the carer, your parents who you might actually be caring for now, are the carers. I thoroughly agree that noone in NHS or Social Services makes it especially easy. They assume you can care until you drop and its so hard to admit defeat BEFORE a crisis hits. Your parents are too old for it to be all on them but noone will help your poor dad make the call.

I've had an extension of this misconception too. My mum, whenever asked how she manages, says 'my daughter this and my daughter that' so often they assume I live with her and I don't even live nearby. i've seen records that say so. No wonder its hard to cut through sometimes. Some records even noted that some family visitors were all her children when she actually only has me. I think the pressure on them makes them assume things that just aren't true. You have to be a broken record to navigate it. It didn't stop them sending her home alone on Christmas Day, completely wrongly assuming she had people at home. 

My mum now has carers - she actually doesn't need them for very much on a daily basis. Its bigger picture stuff she needs constant help with that they don't do. But that regular check on her and a few small urgencies dealt with IS a great relief to me and it is to her now she's used to it - but it took a while.

Spendless

Thanks for the replies. My parents will have to ask what the procedure is nowadays when they have their meeting. Nan has 3 infections a UTI, the end of a cold/virus and Mum thought a bladder infection but couldn't remember. 2 lots of antibiotics but couldn't discharge as no one to ensure she's taking them (at least that's been listened to!). Since then she's been moved to another ward but also been put on oxygen to help with her breathing. Beyond that Mum says she is as 'stroppy' as ever (sigh!). Nan  asked about me visiting, which I will do either this afternoon or tomorrow after work. 

I am so shocked that your Mum was released home to an empty house on Christmas day Warby. When did they realise there was no one at home for her or didn't they? My other Nan was released to the assessment centre from hospital on the afternoon of Christmas Eve wih no prior warning or indication that was to happen and I thought that bad enough that no one had said before but reading your reply realise it could have been worse. It beggars belief what is believed with no check of whether it's correct. Mum has previously been told 'your MIL is so wonderful doing all her own ironing at her age' and Mum has said it's not true. This time Mum has made it clear that Nan is barely doing anything for herself despite living alone. When other Nan was in hospital a couple of months before she died she told my parents that 'she'd been given a part time book-keeping job by the hospital ward she was on and was now working for them'. She was 98 and had been diagnosed with dementia for over 8 years. Imagine if Mum had believed her in the same manner and asked the staff all about Nan's new job -lol.  You are completely correct at my parents ages (76 and 80) it's not beyond the realms of possibility they'd need some help. As it is they manage their own day to day stuff though only just with the Nan situation on top  but need me and DH  to help with life admin stuff. Took a while before Dad clicked with internet banking and wasn't ringing me to go and move money from  1 account to another for him! Depending on what happens with Nan then I believe they'll need help with the process of  selling her house (they own it). 
 
I will get an update this morning when I go round parents. Mum is colouring/cutting my hair. She was/is a hairdresser that still does a handful of clients. I'm having it done because I'm at a wedding on Saturday. I am a +1 for the Groom's Mum who is single and she is my longest childhood friend. Really looking forward to it. Re-tried on my dress yesterday - cos wondering if last week's stresses had had me put on so much weight it no longer fitted! Was reassurred. Unsure if it needs a little stitch in the neckline area or if that'll create issues with trying to zip it up the back.. Taking to Mum for advice along with all my accessories so I can see the finished look (our full lengh mirrored wardrobes dismantled here whilst we wait for the decorator).


Can see in our joint account we have a £54ish bill pending which is annoying cos  was hoping to get through today and tomorrow with no more movement in that account.