Curbing the ridiculous

[Deleted User]

badmemory said:

So I guess MIL is still standinig.  Congratulations because you really wouldn't want your DS to witness you killing his grandmother.  I am sorry to say that some people just can't help it, they are just well frankly unpleasant.  Their loss because eventually people don't want to meet them.  Give it a few years (not that many) & all you will get from them is oh do I have to?

What makes me laugh is that on the outside she is "so good".  She goes to church, helps out in charity shops/church cafes - basically, she does a lot and cares a lot for others but when it comes to her own family thinks it's ok to let them down or say horrible things.  I don't "think" it's intentional - more thoughtless, and I do think this is because she is actually of lesser intelligence.

That said, she has done a good job of raising my husband as he is just the best person ever.  

I do wonder if she is losing her marbles slightly.

[Deleted User]

carolbee said:

I’d be cancelling her invite at Easter, what did your husband say? Poor little lad to witness that. What an absolute lioness of a Mum you are, well done

Thank you.  He was not happy but he thinks it's not intentional.  I have asked him to have a word about being careful what she says in front of the kids.  I also said to tell her I don't need to hear her opinion but if she feels desperate to give me it then it needs to be not in front of our children

[Deleted User]

stoplurking said:

Nope, that is not acceptable on any level. If she’s saying that about your little one to you, what is she saying when you are not there?  How awful for him to hear this from someone who is meant to love and support him with every breath she takes.  So glad he has a Mummy like you to cuddle and praise him for being the wonderful boy he is.  

I know.  This concerns me.  I may stop him going unless we are there.

[Deleted User]

WOW WOW WOW - thank you ALL for your extremely supportive comments.  I am sorry, I started replying to each one but then realised there were 17(!) and I am supposed to be working so will try to reply to everyone later.

You are all so kind and supportive so thank you.

DH is also very cross and will have a word.  He said "you know she's going batty".  I do think it is more insensitive/careless than her being vindictive.  She is not tactful and I don't think she has much emotional or actual intelligence really.  I don't think she would deliberately want to hurt either of my DC but I just remember things my mother and grandfather said to me when I was very little and which still hurt now, and which I am convinced had a huge effect on my self esteem.  To be told (by my grandfather) that I made my mother's life a misery was not something you should be saying to a 5 year old child (and not founded in any event).

So I basically just want to protect my DC from any such comments.  Because they are amazing.  And they will achieve whatever they want to, whatever makes them happy and interested.  And they will have my full support forever.  (I may push DC1 to become a rocket scientist now, just to prove her wrong )

BellaLasagna2018

My ex-MIL used to be like yours: church going, every day, so good on the outside, and with other people, but like yours, she lacked tact and with her family, she often said hurtful things, to children and adults alike. She got away with it because everyone was far too polite to retort an honest comment! Now she is a lonely woman in her 90s, stuck at home, and whose grandchildren rarely visit, if at all for some of them! 

I agree with you that things said to children can haunt them into their adulthood. On my seventh birthday, my father said to me that it was “the age of reason and that I had to show a good example to my younger siblings” it felt like such a weight, a responsibility, that I didn’t quite understand,  was unfair, and has been template for my childhood to the point I’m still slightly resentful now, decades later! 

All this to tell you that you are right to think about not allowing your MIL to have your children when you’re not around. Whether she means it or not, whether it’s a lack of tact or her being mean, trying to wind you up or not,  your children still hear it, still store it in their little head and I can affect them deeply. 

moving_forward

I love your comment about her general lack of intelligence. Think you've hit the nail on the head. 
Try not to let it eat you up x

Blackcats

MIL is a strange person - on the one hand she does appear to "do the right thing" and look after the children but then spoils it by treating your children differently to her other grand children.  And then to make such awful, thoughtless, unkind, unfounded remarks is outrageous.  I suspect that she tells her friends how much she helps to give a good impression and probably makes it sound like she's some sort of martyr.  I've got a horrible feeling that she talks about your children in a negative way to other people too.  

It is difficult though as she is your OH's mum and the family are all inextricably connected.  

I had a good suggestion from MSE'rs last Easter for a family lunch which was to do slow cooker pulled pork, apple sauce, coleslaw and warm baguettes with some chips and salad.  Everyone enjoyed it (well they said they did 🙃).

I hope you have had a nice weekend.  You are doing a great job of parenting your children - never doubt yourself!   Be as kind to yourself as you are to others 

moving_forward

Oooh I could definitely eat that lot blackcats 😋

Four_Seasons

Hi Rebecca hope you and your lovely family are all ok x

Alchemilla

If DH genuinely thinks MIL is going batty then she shouldn't be alone looking after your littles.

I realise that puts even more pressure on you though.

It's probably too late now but if you want to posh up bacon butties you could do them in croissants.