How did having a child impact your marriage/relationship?

izawa

Nothing against kids but definitely in our case life got ruined after kids. Kids are good but it's the daily maintenance that kills both of you.

Retireby40

izawa said:

Nothing against kids but definitely in our case life got ruined after kids. Kids are good but it's the daily maintenance that kills both of you.

It's funny that. My friend says something similar. He has 2 young boys of similar age. He says he isn't a dad nor a husband just a referee 24/7 as he has no time for the wife as he's busy stopping the boys from fighting and killing each over. 

Exodi

I always find threads like this make for tough reading - as a 30 year old child-less couple, who have their finances in order, strong relationship, very happy with life.

We've said we would both like to have kids in the next few years once we've ticked off some things from our bucket lists, but it's hard to swallow the comments along the lines of - "welcome to being broke and miserable, you can kiss goodbye to your relationship".

strawb_shortcake

Children do change a relationship, you can't add another person that is entirely dependent on said couple and expect things to stay the same. But that change can be positive as you grow together, I think it all comes down to just how much the couple  are on the same page when  it comes to how they want to parent and the level of communication and compromise they have during parenthood. 

Finances are entirely dependent on each couple it's not always a life of not knowing how you'll buy yet another pair of school shoes or pay the electric bill. 

Personally, I've found trying to make time for each other as my children have got older and they stay up later much harder than when they were small, and trying to maintain an enjoyable physical relationship with teenagers in the house is an absolute challenge 

Exodi

annabanana82 said:

and trying to maintain an enjoyable physical relationship with teenagers in the house is an absolute challenge 

Oo yes, another thing we can wave goodbye to.

It wouldn't be so bad but nowadays, you can either expect the child to want to live with you until well into their mid 20's so they can save up for a house.

Plus most teenagers I'm aware of spend all day playing video games, in bedrooms that look like a bombs hit them, and only communicate with 'whens dinner' or 'can you get me a drink'. I couldn't imagine the frustration of making as many sacrifices as a couple do when having a child - to be met with no appreciation.

You could argue an element of this is parenting (and I'm sure everyone, just like me, intends to be the model parent beforehand) but I think children in general don't gain the ability to be selfless until they are older - until then the world revolves around them.

Can someone please tell me why people have kids again  ?

Jim80

annabanana82 said:

Personally, I've found trying to make time for each other as my children have got older and they stay up later much harder than when they were small, and trying to maintain an enjoyable physical relationship with teenagers in the house is an absolute challenge 

Try dating with 4 kids living at home, the questions are never ending.

Retireby40

Exodi said:

annabanana82 said:

and trying to maintain an enjoyable physical relationship with teenagers in the house is an absolute challenge 

Oo yes, another thing we can wave goodbye to.

It wouldn't be so bad but nowadays, you can either expect the child to want to live with you until well into their mid 20's so they can save up for a house.

Plus most teenagers I'm aware of spend all day playing video games, in bedrooms that look like a bombs hit them, and only communicate with 'whens dinner' or 'can you get me a drink'. I couldn't imagine the frustration of making as many sacrifices as a couple do when having a child - to be met with no appreciation.

You could argue an element of this is parenting (and I'm sure everyone, just like me, intends to be the model parent beforehand) but I think children in general don't gain the ability to be selfless until they are older - until then the world revolves around them.

Can someone please tell me why people have kids again  ?

I think if people didn't have kids there would be a lot less marriages/relationships. There wouldn't be that need to live in a world were compromise is such a big thing. Or dealing with in laws for no good reason.

I know if I didn't have kids at 40-45 I'd be selling everything I owed and moving myself to a country where I could live off my savings and do what I wanted when I wanted.

zagfles

annabanana82 said:

Personally, I've found trying to make time for each other as my children have got older and they stay up later much harder than when they were small, and trying to maintain an enjoyable physical relationship with teenagers in the house is an absolute challenge 

We never really found that a problem - in fact it was quite useful to get rid of them. Just kissing and cuddling my wife on the sofa was enough to get an "ewww..." followed by headphones on and to their rooms 

zagfles

Exodi said:

annabanana82 said:

and trying to maintain an enjoyable physical relationship with teenagers in the house is an absolute challenge 

Oo yes, another thing we can wave goodbye to.

It wouldn't be so bad but nowadays, you can either expect the child to want to live with you until well into their mid 20's so they can save up for a house.

Plus most teenagers I'm aware of spend all day playing video games, in bedrooms that look like a bombs hit them, and only communicate with 'whens dinner' or 'can you get me a drink'. I couldn't imagine the frustration of making as many sacrifices as a couple do when having a child - to be met with no appreciation.

You could argue an element of this is parenting (and I'm sure everyone, just like me, intends to be the model parent beforehand) but I think children in general don't gain the ability to be selfless until they are older - until then the world revolves around them.

Can someone please tell me why people have kids again  ?

It's a natural phase virtually all kids go through, it's evolutionary. When kids are little you're the centre of their universe, they think you know everything and are the greatest, they want to help with everything you do even though most of the time they're not capable of being actually useful. They always want cuddles when you leave for work or get back, they ask questions and want stories at night, they write cards or leave notes telling you how wonderful you are etc. The evolutionary need to learn from your parents.

Then when they become teenagers, puberty, the evolutionary need to fly the nest, to associate with peers, to find a "mate" (boyfriend/girlfriend), so now their peers are who they look up to and parents are clueless, old, out of touch etc. The evolutionary need to leave their parents and make a new life with a partner.

Of course these days they'll almost always stay with their parents well past puberty, which is really IMO what causes all the problems. In the distant past they'd have probably left "home" at around 14-16 and made a life with a partner, had kids etc. But now they're forced to stay with their parents unnaturally long.

I think it helps to give teenagers as much freedom as reasonably possible, and to look at risks logically and not emotionally. This is really hard, but you have to let them grow up and become independant and not selfishly stop them doing stuff just because it worries you. They are no longer your "babies".

For instance letting them travel around themselves, go to their mates, into town, even long distance trips, once they've shown they're responsible enough. That way you give them at least some of the natural "fly the nest" instinct. Also you prepare them for actually being an adult - nothing worse than kids going to uni who've never even been on a bus alone - talk about throwing them in the deep end!

squirrelchops2

Ibrahim5 said:

Things change throughout your life. My sister was happy not to have kids and concentrate on her career. Now she is getting to retirement age she is realising she hasn't really got any family left apart from me. Hopefully she has a network of friends who can look after her because after looking after my elderly parents (she couldn't help because of her career) I don't relish the thought of being next of kin.

We don't have kids, in fact we really don't have any family and I am not close to nieces and nephews so it is really just us.

I would hate to have had children though with the expectation on them that they have to look after me when I am old! 

Sometimes I get scared of thinking I will die alone but so what you can die alone even if you had 10 kids! All we can do is try to keep good health and have a bit put away so at least i will die in relative luxury somewhere warm.