How did having a child impact your marriage/relationship?

74jax

Retireby40 said:

74jax said:

Retireby40 said:

74jax said:

Retireby40 said:

74jax said:

Retireby40 said:

Seems that many people don't experience any relationship problems after a new born. The stats must be wrong.

I tried to find the article but when I typed on what you said it brought up complications with newborns (mostly covid).

It depends where they say they got their stats from. It could be just an area, a short period of time etc. But most likely wrong and in the hope no one tries to check it out....... 

Why are you challenging me like what I am saying is wrong?

Do you have kids and what's your experience?

I think if you Google marriage difficulties after new born there plenty of pages dedicated to it and with statistics.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.goodto.com/wellbeing/relationships/relationship-news/break-up-after-baby-513710/amp

That's another that says 1 in 5 relationships break up in the first 12 months of a new born.

There has to be some truth in it.

I wasn't challenging you? I was interested, and wanted to read the article. Hence I asked for a link.

My daughter's a teacher and involved in phycology. We love things like this and find it interesting. As was the point of the thread I thought. 

You asked for the link without adding the interest you had. You then said about the "stats" being wrong and hoping no one checked.

As you have a daughter what was your experience in the first years of their life with your partner? 

My reply on stats was as you had said perhaps they are wrong. I was agreeing with you. 

Newspapers tend to write a lot, don't link to the actual survey and hope no one wants to check.  You get a lot on many socials. 

My daughter is much older than the survey unfortunately 😂, my memory fads. But it didn't really change our relationship many moons ago. 

She's actually doing something on changes to families and needed actual surveys as you need to give the full survey info in the references of she is quoting it, hence the interest in the actual survey. I find it an interesting topic anyway. 

I'm sure she has plenty of stats and details regarding it if it is what she is studying. She certainly wouldn't need me quoting random findings after a Google search.

That's good it didn't change your relationship. From what you remember anyway. I dare say things are maybe a lot different today than 30,40,50 years ago. Who knows.

I think so, but I think back then we didn't really have a lot to do 🙈. I came from a very very small town /village. No phone, and so only really knew those around us. Nowadays I think it's easier to drift apart as you can speak to others, go out to places etc.

I honestly find it fascinating. A girl I know is due soon and I happened to mention my daughter was 16 days over,  she was horrified as it doesn't happen nowadays.

I have loved comparing the differences too - I was encouraged to drink (red wine and Guinness), she didn't believe me 😂

zagfles

Retireby40 said:

zagfles said:

Retireby40 said:

zagfles said:

Retireby40 said:

Seems that many people don't experience any relationship problems after a new born. The stats must be wrong.

Why must the stats be wrong just because a small unrepresentative self-selected sample of people have a difference experience?

They aren't wrong. I was being sarcastic.

So after just 2 substantive replies, just because they weren't in proportion to some stats you've found, you get sarcastic

What are you trying to imply, that we're lying? Did you want a particular answer? Didn't you get it? Did you think just because stats say 67% have problems then the answers you'll get from a tiny self-selected sample on a probably unrepresentative forum board should always be in the same proportion

I thought you wanted an actual discussion about the issue, which is why I gave my experience and the reasons I think why others might have a different experience. Obviously not if you just get sarcastic with people who don't give you the reply you want.

I wasn't looking a particular answer. Nor do I imply you are lying. 

It was merely said in jest as abit of fun. Not to be taken personally. Nor to be said in a disrespectful manner so sorry if that is how it seems.

OK fair enough. I know loads of examples of people where it definitely did cause a problem, so I can believe the stats, even if I personally am in the minority. Too many people don't bother to plan how things will work when they have a baby, or they just go along with what their partner wants, or they just don't think and the pregnancy happens by mistake.

Having a baby is the biggest life changing event most people will ever have, it's a far bigger committment than getting married, but a lot of people put more planning into just their wedding day than how they're going to manage financially and timewise with a child for the next 18 years. At least if a marriage was a mistake you can separate and start again.

SunnyCyprus

My experience.. it didn't change our relationship at all. 
My (ex) husband was lazy before the babies came, and even lazier after! 
His days off from full time work were spent sleeping until 2 or 3pm after staying up on his computer playing games all night. I did everything regarding house and children, plus working part time. 

I can only blame myself, for staying with someone who was already lazy and naively thinking he might change after baby comes.  We met when I was 18, and married at 21. He was 7 years older and already had a son. 

The red flags were there, I just wasn't smart enough to see them.  

My now husband is amazing, and an absolute team player! Nothing fazes him. However, we met when we were mid 30s, and babies were not in the picture. He would have been a great dad, as he is to my kids now. 

zagfles

Retireby40 said:

74jax said:

Retireby40 said:

74jax said:

Retireby40 said:

74jax said:

Retireby40 said:

Seems that many people don't experience any relationship problems after a new born. The stats must be wrong.

I tried to find the article but when I typed on what you said it brought up complications with newborns (mostly covid).

It depends where they say they got their stats from. It could be just an area, a short period of time etc. But most likely wrong and in the hope no one tries to check it out....... 

Why are you challenging me like what I am saying is wrong?

Do you have kids and what's your experience?

I think if you Google marriage difficulties after new born there plenty of pages dedicated to it and with statistics.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.goodto.com/wellbeing/relationships/relationship-news/break-up-after-baby-513710/amp

That's another that says 1 in 5 relationships break up in the first 12 months of a new born.

There has to be some truth in it.

I wasn't challenging you? I was interested, and wanted to read the article. Hence I asked for a link.

My daughter's a teacher and involved in phycology. We love things like this and find it interesting. As was the point of the thread I thought. 

You asked for the link without adding the interest you had. You then said about the "stats" being wrong and hoping no one checked.

As you have a daughter what was your experience in the first years of their life with your partner? 

My reply on stats was as you had said perhaps they are wrong. I was agreeing with you. 

Newspapers tend to write a lot, don't link to the actual survey and hope no one wants to check.  You get a lot on many socials. 

My daughter is much older than the survey unfortunately 😂, my memory fads. But it didn't really change our relationship many moons ago. 

She's actually doing something on changes to families and needed actual surveys as you need to give the full survey info in the references of she is quoting it, hence the interest in the actual survey. I find it an interesting topic anyway. 

I'm sure she has plenty of stats and details regarding it if it is what she is studying. She certainly wouldn't need me quoting random findings after a Google search.

That's good it didn't change your relationship. From what you remember anyway. I dare say things are maybe a lot different today than 30,40,50 years ago. Who knows.

It was massively different decades ago. For a start the availability and acceptability of contraception, then there was the norm of the male breadwinner and stay at home housewife, so having a child didn't really change the family dynamic or finances that much. It was also the expected thing after getting married.

Now couples tend to both work, they usually have to to pay the mortgage, so having a child has a massive impact of either loss of a salary or expensive childcare. Men are no longer expected to just be the breadwinner, but to do childcare and housework too, so the impact on a man of having a child is much greater than it was.

So in the past a man who didn't really want children might have gone along with his wife's desire to have children as it wouldn't really affect him massively, his wife would do all the childcare and housework and the mortgage was affordable on one salary. But these days, there'll be a much greater financial and work/time hit on him, so to become a father must be something he positively wants, otherwise it is almost certain to cause relationship problems. 

I really think most of the 67% comes from that. From men who become fathers without positively wanting to. If you make a life changing decision to do something like becoming a parent, something that will cost you a fortune in both time and money, it has to be something you positively want, rather than something you just go along with to keep your partner happy.

BTW I'm sure it happens the other way round too before someone accusses me of sexism, just that in cases I've seen it's usually the man who gets talked into becoming a parent when it's not really what he wants.

newatc

Definitely improved our marriage, we are both family orientated and the bond that our child(ren) give us provided the motivation to get over the difficult times.

Ibrahim5

My wife never worked after having children. She was always stressed at work so seemed much happier being at home with the children. We never spent a penny on childcare and I don't remember the children costing much. They were breastfed and most of their clothes and baby care items were given to us or bought second hand. I worked as usual but loved coming home to a nice meal and reading a bedtime story. I always remember those times as the happiest of my life. I am sure my wife would say so too. I was very friendly with a couple who both worked. Their stress levels were enormous. Would either finish before nursery closes? They spent a fortune on nannies and nursery and then lived on M&S microwave meals. I thought we would be poorer on the one salary but it never seemed to be the case. We just spent less. I worked with loads of women and they all asked what my wife did. They all said how lucky she was and how they wished they could have done that. I did earn more than average so I always wondered if other people could have done the same or if it would have just been impossible on an average salary.

tooldle

I'm not convinced of the viewpoint that stress all comes from working whilst raising kids. Yes, it is an extra thing to juggle and it will be difficult for a number of people but, I wouldn't be happy with my horizons limited to housework and raising kids. I want to use my skills and talents. For those forced out of work on marriage or on the birth of a child, and with interests other than child rearing, life was probably both frustrating and isolating, worsened perhaps by the enforced monetary dependence upon a husband.

Zagfles makes a good point in that for most it is relatively 'easy' to have children and perhaps some don't think it through as thoroughly as they might. I have a friend who is childless by choice and in her younger days, this decision was often quite rudely challenged. She had thought it through and was confident the decision was right for her. How many people can truthfully say the same of their decision to have children? Not criticising, just questioning.

zagfles

tooldle said:

I'm not convinced of the viewpoint that stress all comes from working whilst raising kids. Yes, it is an extra thing to juggle and it will be difficult for a number of people but, I wouldn't be happy with my horizons limited to housework and raising kids. I want to use my skills and talents. For those forced out of work on marriage or on the birth of a child, and with interests other than child rearing, life was probably both frustrating and isolating, worsened perhaps by the enforced monetary dependence upon a husband.

Zagfles makes a good point in that for most it is relatively 'easy' to have children and perhaps some don't think it through as thoroughly as they might. I have a friend who is childless by choice and in her younger days, this decision was often quite rudely challenged. She had thought it through and was confident the decision was right for her. How many people can truthfully say the same of their decision to have children? Not criticising, just questioning.

Similar with me. Before we married I told my wife I didn't want kids, she did but it wasn't a deal breaker, she was happy to marry me on the basis of no kids, we agreed that kids should only be brought into the world if wanted by both parents. Then after a couple of years we got the inevitable questions from relatives and friends, "when are you having kids" etc. We usually put up a united front, but once my wife made the mistake of saying she did want them but I didn't. Then I was more than "rudely challenged", I got loads of grief and accused of being selfish etc.  Which, as my we both kept explaining to them, is rubbish, there is nothing more selfish in the world than expecting someone to make the biggest committment they'll ever make, ie to become a parent, when it's not what they want.

But after another few years, after loads of travel round the world (main reason I didn't want kids), and friends and relatives having kids, loving spending time with them, I became broody! I even got books on travelling with kids before we even started trying.

Ironically, after we had 2, I really really wanted a third, but my wife didn't!  

Ibrahim5

Things change throughout your life. My sister was happy not to have kids and concentrate on her career. Now she is getting to retirement age she is realising she hasn't really got any family left apart from me. Hopefully she has a network of friends who can look after her because after looking after my elderly parents (she couldn't help because of her career) I don't relish the thought of being next of kin.

[Deleted User]

zagfles said:

Ours definitely became better after birth, it was like a new bond between us. Not that it was bad before, it was pretty good, but the minor disagreements we had just faded into insignificance. But it became worse in the teenage years as we had differences in how to deal with issues. Now better again with them grown up.

I suspect the main reasons a new born can cause problems in the parents' relationship is where the pregnancy was either unplanned, or it wasn't the genuine desire of both of them (ie one putting pressure on the other, or family putting pressure on both), or where they didn't actually stop to think or plan how they'd manage financially and timewise and how childcare/work would be shared etc.

I would completely agree with this. We were early twenties when we had our first and we just seemed to take it all in our stride. Sleep loss didn't hit us as bad I don't think and we loved it. We struggled for money and work was difficult. We had our second and the recession hit and my partner got made redundant a few times which was really tough. Somehow we muddled through.

Adolescent and teen years is a different matter and very tough when you disagree on big issues. It does sometimes feel like everything revolves around them completely now in terms of all of our conversations and disagreements. We don't disagree about much else. Gone are the 7pm bedtimes so you could at least sit and chat about things like civil human beings and come together a bit more again. It's not an easy period and I would definitely say adolescents/teens is the most challenging time to a parents relationship.