Moral dilemma!

Monsternextdoor

Tokmon said:

Plus how do you buy presents for each other if your finances are completely joint?

This always amazes me, I know couples who have joint accounts and buy each other extravagant gifts, Then they are skint for the entire month but it's ok as the kors watch and gucci bag will keep them fed for the month.

Reginald74

Monsternextdoor said:

Tokmon said:

Plus how do you buy presents for each other if your finances are completely joint?

This always amazes me, I know couples who have joint accounts and buy each other extravagant gifts, Then they are skint for the entire month but it's ok as the kors watch and gucci bag will keep them fed for the month.

Because the point of a present is in the thought, not the expense?

lookstraightahead

When I split from my ex, my new partner (now husband and 20 years on), paid to buy my ex out of my house. He even brought up my daughter
(financially as well). I was absolutely broke. 

He also got a small inheritance that's just gone equally into the house we've just bought.
Each to their own, but sometimes when really serious stuff happens, splitting finances is the last thing on your mind. 

I did take time off work to look after his seriously ill mum, as it worked out better.

Tokmon

nicknameless said:

Tokmon said:

nicknameless said:

I never quite understand supposedly committed relationship where finances are not completely joint, although we are aware of many around us.

We had a joint account from the start - all finances together.  Who earns what irrelevant.

But there is far more to a "committed relationship" than just finances. I feel that just throwing all money into a joint account and spending from that leads to less accountability and increases the likelihood of money being wasted. Everyone should at least have a separate account where wages and other income is paid into and then from this standing orders go to a bills account, a spending account and investments/savings. This then make it quick and easy to see if all income has been receive correctly and then looking at the bills account to make sure all bills have been paid correctly. Throwing it into one joint account and having everything come from that is why you get people who post on here saying they had X amount taken for the last X number of years by mistake and they only just realised, and is generally what people have when they just spend every penny they earn each month just because it's there.

Also not all couples think the same financially and manage their money differently. For example someone who has trouble with budgeting may need a separate account to spend from, to resist the temptation of all the money being available to them in a joint account.

Plus how do you buy presents for each other if your finances are completely joint?

Maybe I wasn't telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  We each have an individual current account and a joint account.  Wages go into individual accounts, standing order to joint minus agreed equal personal monthly spends (buy what you want for yourself / your hobbies).  All household stuff, investments, private pensions and other spends paid for from joint account.

We have no trouble keeping track of spending / accounts etc.

Thinking about this I think what I mean is financial parity in a relationship, regardless of what each party earns (I earn more than twice what my partner does).  Our accounts and arrangements are just a way to implement what we take for granted i.e. it is 'our' money because we are a partnership.  Not my money and your money.

We know relationships where one member is financially disadvantaged by the other because they earn more or similar.  We know those relationships are poorer for it.

So yes I agree that of course there is more to a relationship than finances - but I think how finances (and the power therein) work is indicative of some of the nature of that relationship.

Only IMO of course.

That sounds like i would expect "normal" joint finances to work, when you said "completely joint" i thought all money went into one account with no personal spending money at all.

Monsternextdoor

Reginald74 said:

Monsternextdoor said:

Tokmon said:

Plus how do you buy presents for each other if your finances are completely joint?

This always amazes me, I know couples who have joint accounts and buy each other extravagant gifts, Then they are skint for the entire month but it's ok as the kors watch and gucci bag will keep them fed for the month.

Because the point of a present is in the thought, not the expense?

When it comes out of a joint account ? How do you buy each other secret gifts ?

Id rather not know what they have spent, but then I won't have a joint account.

lookstraightahead

Monsternextdoor said:

Reginald74 said:

Monsternextdoor said:

Tokmon said:

Plus how do you buy presents for each other if your finances are completely joint?

This always amazes me, I know couples who have joint accounts and buy each other extravagant gifts, Then they are skint for the entire month but it's ok as the kors watch and gucci bag will keep them fed for the month.

Because the point of a present is in the thought, not the expense?

When it comes out of a joint account ? How do you buy each other secret gifts ?

Id rather not know what they have spent, but then I won't have a joint account.

Thinking back, most of our gifts to each other have been joint so we've decided on them together. I had a new car for my 40th but I had chosen it. It came out of our joint account, as neither could have afforded it on our own.

we tend to buy a holiday or mini break for Christmas or birthday.

If OH comes home with flowers etc they're just paid for out of the joint account. 

Each to their own though, I do see what you mean if it was a big surprise.

london21

Personally I wouldn't .
There is more to life than money.
I will be happy my partner contributed because some relationships one party contributes mostly due to difference in income etc. 

natkirt

Just for context, the question was directed more towards if people found it beneficial to have completely equal equity, or if it doesn’t matter and I shouldn’t ask for anything? We have very similar wages, I had just been saving for longer. 

It’s a discussion we’ve had a few times but never settled on a definitive answer about how and if he should pay extra towards something else - it’s not something I’ve considered in secret retrospectively!

Lewist123

GF and I are about to complete on a house. We've been together 7 years and lived together renting for 5. If you add up our take home pay, I take home about 60%, she takes home 40%. Mortgage and household bills are coming to about £1400 per month, so I'm putting £900 a month into joint account and she's putting £600 a month in, pretty much the same percentages (some leftover each month to build up a little fund for something). We have also done the same for the deposit (I'm putting in 18K, her 12K).

Other than that we have our own separate money as she wouldn't like what I buy and I wouldn't like what she buys. It works great - we never have any money related arguments as all the important bills are covered and we pay depending on what we earn. Shopping/meals etc we just take in turns or get ad-hoc - I earn more so usually end up paying for a little more but we don't keep track or anything. Money can be the root cause of so many relationship problems so just have a conversation at the beginning, set up whatever system works for you both and that you both agree on and are happy with and go with that. I'd recommend not worrying too much about the 5K - hopefully you'll get that back and more in equity increase anyway - but if it's a real problem for you and something you'll hold against him then have the conversation and nip any future arguments in the bud from the beginning.

FWIW just because you're thinking about this absolutely doesn't mean that your relationship is not going to succeed as others have said. People break up, it unfortunately happens, having some sort of financial protection from the beginning and unambiguous decisions on what would happen in that scenario (ideally signed with a deed of trust, but could be verbal in the hope that any split would be amicable) is absolutely sensible.