had a guts full

dora37

Gingham_Ribbon wrote: »

Now you've done it, you must follow it through so I wouldn't give her it at Christmas, though I agree with your idea of giving her some other bits and pieces so christmas isn't ruined. At some point a child needs to learn that you set the rules and if she breaks them there will be consequences.

So that's the punishment. The next bit is the reward for good behaviour. She will need to feel she has some reason to behave herself. What about setting some achievable targets for her and every day she makes it through them you could put something towards the computer into a penny jar?

eg be home by 10.30, 11 on Friday and Saturday
no stealing
complete one job towards the running of the household

Then work out how much per day she would need to earn to be able to buy it herself in 6 months time. (She's not allowed to use the money for anything else.)

The reason I added the last one was to try to involve her in family life. The tasks couldl be used to help her bond with siblings or you as well as giving her a sense of everyone pulling together as a family (assuming everyone else DOES help round the house.)

You could even buy her a nice penny bank for christmas with a note explaining the rules - so she knows on Christmas day that she CAN have the computer but only if she earns it.

Oh and if you do something like this, you'd need to make sure you ALWAYS had the money at the end of the day to put in the jar = it sounds like she'd need an immediate sense of reward each day for it to work.

Excellent post. I have always found the carrot and stick approach is the most productive way to 'handle' teenagers. You have to give them some incentive or they don't see any point in changing.

You could buy her one of these for Christmas to put the money in - it's sealed:

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Cash-Can-Money-Tin-Money-Box-Five-Hundred-Pound-Bank_W0QQitemZ290190002304QQihZ019QQcategoryZ149QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

If you look on ebay there are lots of different varieties of this tin.

Good luck.

boysmum3

I just want to add that I also think you have done totally the right thing taking the pc back to shop......like you say she will have presents to open and she is not at the 'santa' age!!!

I am rubbish at sticking to decisions like this with my 12 1/2 yr old son - it is what me and OH row about the most....but I am trying hard and getting better as hitting them where it hurts with material things is the only thing that works!

Gingham_Ribbon

Bit more expensive but these are nice, and you need to smash them to open them. http://www.savings4.me.uk/terramundi-money-pots.asp

ka7e

Great advice from Maryotuam - good behaviour rewarded with future treats certainly worked with my daughter. She had a huge crush on an actor and I booked tickets to a convention where she could actually meet him. They had to be booked 6 months in advance, and the threat of not being allowed to go kept her on her toes!
We actually went together and it was a girly weekend away that we both remember fondly.

Sarak1975uk - you've hit the nail on the head when you say your son doesn't realise the consequences of his actions. There is research to show this is typical of most boys until some time after puberty! They just don't have the pathways laid down in their brain to make the link between action and consequences. They tend to have poor risk assessment, which means they don't appreciate when something is dangerous and they often fail to learn from previous experiences.
I know you must be at your wit's end, but have you tried loving him to pieces! That was the advice my Mum got many years ago when she had problems with one of my brothers. As bad behaviour is often a bid for attention of any sort (even punishment), she was told to pre-empt it with constant hugs and reassurance. She just made him feel he was the centre of her universe and didn't need to misbehave to get her attention. It was hard to cuddle a child that made you feel so angry, but she realised it broke the circle of resentment and frustration she felt locked into. I also feel boys miss the physical contact (cuddles etc) they have had at a younger age, especially when younger children arrive. At 9 and a half, he too, is in the difficult position of being neither baby nor young man and is probably confused a great deal of the time!

cazziebo

taxi97w wrote: »

Ever thought of speaking to your girl and asking her why she chooses to behave this way?

Nobody does anything inappropriate- given their view of the world.

Having two teenagers, I'm not sure that's true. I think there is some evil power that possesses them for a couple of years!

Had my ups and downs with DD1 - hell at the time but she came out of it and I'm so proud of her- clever, kind, caring, funny, confident.

Been going through same with DD2 (15), skipping school, drinking in the park, etc. I called the community policeman and he sent some very scary officers round who went through her like a dose of salts. I was shaking! They pointed out that if she was to get a criminal record, she could kiss goodbye to any kind of decent career. She doesn't have to be the perpetrator of any crime, but if she is with a group who break the law then she's just as guilty - etc etc. I wouldn't call her an angel yet, but it certainly stopped the serious stuff. Worth a try?

And I really feel for you - it's horrible to live through and it makes me feel better knowing so many of us suffer it...

blackwidowz

We went through a year of hell with my 15 year old daughter. She ran away just before christmas, the police brought her back christmas eve we had christmas day, she had all her presents had a good day.
We woke up on boxing day she had gone again.
We had to get social services in for help, but they are useless.
All this year she has not been to school and been stayong out getting drunk etc, she is 16 now. I have decided that i must let her do her own thing, she is staying with a friend at the moment but i have told her she will not be having loads of christmas presents(she has sold all the jewellry we bought her), i will be giving her £20 and that is it.
It will be really hard as i like them to have loads of presents, but it could be £200 and she would still be doing the same stuff.
Good on you for taking it back and stick to your guns.. for you sanity as well.

LuciferTDark

You could do what I did to my oldest son when he was taking the p*ss, I gave him a time to be in & made sure the doors were locked at that time whether he was in or not, 1 night staying out in the cold was enough to convince him to see sense.

Angel777

I think its great what you have done.

I cant believe it when i hear of parents who almost try and buy good behaviour instead of punishing wrong behaviour.

With children it hits them most when you take away something that they really want ans she needs to know that her behaviour is not acceptable and that you have enough on your plate without her acting like this.

I think as long as you explain to her the reasons for why you took her present back and maybe that if you see a real change in her behaviour and that she stops the lying that she may have the xmas pressie maybe a little later on?

I would have done exactly the same. I hope that when you talk to her she will understand that your main concern is her. How can you possibly keep an eye/ ear out for her when she lies about where she is and with who.

Hope it all gets sorted soon.

lisyloo

I'm not a parent myself but I thought I'd let you know a bit about what I did as a kid in case it helps.

My parents both worked so we were expected to help out (probably younger than 15).
This meant putting washing in the washing machine, hanging it up, a bit of ironing washing up etc.
I also started working when I was 13 (don't know if that's allowed these days but 15 should be OK).
I started sticking up skittles at a local club and then did a paper round.
When I was 15 I worked in a shoe shop on a Saturday.

If I wanted something I had to work for it.
I know I don't have any kids but I think that having to work for something and save up are good disciplines to have.
Oh....I also had to contribute 25% to housekeeping (even at 13).
We used to save it up and then buy something (like a saucepan or duvet cover) so that I could see it being used for something specific rather than jsut dissaperring into a big hole.
It did give me the first idea about budgetting and also that food etc. doesn't just appear from nowhere and someone has to work for it.

I know it's gonna be difficult at her age but could you try and implement some of those ideas or maybe say that pocket money isn't free. It's done in return for chores.

Gale_10

I would just like to say well done on taking the pc back. It is totally the right thing to do, and its fantastic to hear of people actually disciplining (that word means teaching btw) their children right from wrong. With so many kids getting away with everything these days, its very reassuring to hear that people are still trying to teach their children responsibility for their actions. My daughter is 14 and still a pain in the neck but not got to the really horrendous stage just yet. I hope when she does I will be firm but fair with her too.

Gale