Am I a terrible person?

Sea_Shell

kimwp said:

That's great news. I think you need to have a budget that you are both aware of and manage, otherwise it's still you shouldering the burden.

I agree.  Although, it does sound a bit like she's in "whatever" mode.   Yes, you have debt, she knows, but just wants you to "stop going on about it" and is happy to leave you to sort it out.   

Where is her share of "the burden"?

How do you usually work your own personal spends?    Do you each get an "allowance" that you can (previously) freely spend on yourselves, or do you work on an "all in the pot together" system.   

What has she agreed to give up in all this?    Where is the impact on her?   

Filo25

I'm sure a lot of people on here can recognise the feelings of guilt/shame etc when you first have that lightbulb moment.

While you are lucky that the debt appears to be affordable in a way that just adds to the guilt as you feel even more daft at having run up the debt in the first place when you have a high income (been there, done that!)

The most important thing to focus on now is to firm up your SOA, build a sustainable plan to pay off the debt and get on with it, you will be surprised how good a feeling it is to see that big old number getting smaller every month, and as you start to pay off the higher interest numbers, the overpayments get easier to make, as the debt gets even lower the 0% offers start coming back and you can pay it down even faster, the first bits are tough but it all pays off if you stick to the plan as best you can.

Its easier said than done but sometimes you just have to remind yourself that all that stress and guilt isn't good for you and doesn't help get your debt paid off any faster, try and "park it" as best you can, there isn't much point stressing about things that happened and decisions that were made long ago, focus on doing the right thing now, you can't change the past.

enthusiasticsaver

I think you should definitely let go of any guilt as it is quite clear your wife does not blame you and in fact seems to be sticking her head in the sand and letting you deal with it.  Personally I find that worse than you hiding or not disclosing figures and her asking you not to keep on going on about it without actually having a clear picture of how high the debt is shows that she is unwilling to confront it or help you fix it. You cannot change her attitude though any more than you can change the past and how you got into this situation so I would make a plan, set a budget, start tackling the debts one at a time and force her to listen to you.  I used to email my husband the budgets and figures every month as he seemed unwilling to listen to my pleas not to go over budget and eventually he got the message.