Am I a terrible person?

Jackmessedup

Hi, 

I am 38 and married. We both work full time, own our home ( mortgaged) and have 1 child aged 9. 
We have had some debt for as long as we have lived together. This was mostly built up due to holiday's, wedding, home improvements, general overspending etc. Basically not thinking about whether we could afford things or not and just using credit cards. We have decent jobs and we have not missed payments or struggled to pay etc. 
I 'look after' our finances so I am the one that sees the debt. My wife knows we have debt but doesn't know how much and doesn't ever ask or really show any interest. I have a real issue in wanting to protect her from it and to ensure that she and my son have the things that they want. I know that is ridiculous but it's the way I feel. Occasionally I will mention the debt and that I am stressed about it but she never really draws me on it, or asks any questions. If we are going on holiday or buying something, I will 'sort it out' and she never really asks how it was funded. Quite often this will involve debt. I have tried to engage her in it by doing a budget spreadsheet but she was clearly not interested. 
We have a LOT of debt - about 50K. She knows it's high but doesn't really seem to have any real concept of the actual figure. I feel embarrassed and ashamed and want to sort it out without her knowing, even though I know this is unrealistic. 
I have seen other posts from people with secret debts, as well as people who have found out that their partners have secret debts and people judge them very harshly. I feel like such a Sh***y person even though I have only ever wanted to give my wife and son nice things. I don't have any issues such as gambling or secret spending etc. I just feel like things have got out of control. 
Another part of me feels like she should have taken more interest and worked with me. Like I said, it's not as though she thinks we are debt free. She knows we have a lot of debt, she just doesn't know HOW much. 

Am I a terrible person for not being more open? I feel pretty dreadful right now 

elsien

It's not about being a terrible person at all.  Yours isn't a secret debt in the sense of gambling away huge amounts or spending it all on yourself. From what you've posted about what the  money is used for, whoevers name it is in, it's been run up to benefit the family.

But now you're at this point, you can't really sort it without being stricter on what you spend as a family - everyone having the things that they want isn't working because it's keeping you in debt and hugely stressing you out.
If she's not wanting the figures at the moment, or interested in spreadsheets, she still needs to be on board with reducing spending and talking about the best way of doing that for you all. So some sort of conversation, definitely, even if its to talk about the need to cut down, take back control before it gets really silly and you do struggle to pay,  and the best way to do it. Your wife is being a little unfair leaving it all to you, and not asking, but if she's on board with spending less, that may be more important than her having a full grasp of all the figures if she's not ready for that. 
Do you know where the money is going - have you worked out that level of budget. An SOA is really helpful even if you don't want to share it on here. 

gwynlas

You are not a terrible person but you are being very naive if you ae not involving her in reducing the debt, For your own piece of mind you need to do a SOA in order to see where your money is going and look for ideas as to where you can reduce your spending. Wanting to give someone everything is not realistic, familly life should be a shared experience. You shouldd be looking at how to reduce your debt and plan accordingly if anything were to happen to you your wife and child would be really struggling.

MalMonroe

No. You're not. But you do need to share this with your wife because it's a heavy burden for just one person and you know, you're supposed to be in your relationship through all the good times and the bad. I was in a similar position to you a few years ago. I was a single parent though and had been struggling for years prior to that and was on the verge of an absolute breakdown as I didn't feel I could talk to anyone about my situation and felt so ashamed and embarrassed and alone. You aren't alone.

I phoned StepChange (which at the time was still called CCCS) because I saw an advert on TV and it seemed to be aimed straight at me. (I know it wasn't obviously but it was at that moment I realised that I wasn't the only person to be in such a financial mess and that there was help out there for all of us.)

I'm so glad I did call them because I felt it was a life saver. I was allocated a personal advisor who talked me through my debts, my incomings and outgoings and my options and then recommended a solution. It was such a relief to be able to just offload all my worries and financial troubles without being judged or feeling embarrassed. The problem is that when you are in that situation, you can't think clearly which only makes everything seem ten times worse. I didn't look back. I took stock of my spending and took the advisor's advice. It hasn't been easy, I won't pretend that it has but at least I was able to see some light at the end of the tunnel. And six years later I was debt free and far more budget-wise.  

I'd advise anyone (in fact I do) to contact StepChange. It's a free call and even if you don't take any advice you can get things off your chest without fearing any judgement at all.

You have taken the first step by asking on this forum and now you could do with some practical advice. Their link is here - you have absolutely nothing to lose. 

https://www.stepchange.org/contact-us.aspx

littlegreenparrot

Your not a terrible person, but I have an issue with you wanting to 'protect her' from it, it's quite patronising. 
She's an adult who understands there are consequences to actions, between you you have spent more than you have had coming in and this is the result. I'm sure she's just as capable of dealing with that reality as you are. 

'She knows it's high but doesn't really seem to have any real concept of the actual figure' have you actually told her it's that much? Because if she doesn't know how is she supposed to understand that action needs to be taken? 
'Another part of me feels like she should have taken more interest and worked with me'  Maybe, but if you have always managed it and seem happy to do so she might just assume it was fine. Because you would say so if it wasn't surely, but you haven't. 

There is clearly a communication problem and as ever the fault is probably on both sides. 
You need to involve her, you can't deal with it effectively on your own - besides which it's a partnership.
It's also important for your son's development that he learns that none of us gets to have everything that we want, budgeting is part of you have to do. 
Get everything sorted and lay it out clearly. Look at interest rates, come up with a plan. There's no blame here, it's just a problem that needs fixing. 

Naomim

You are not a terrible person.  I was/am in a similar position in that we had built up debt that was all spent on family things, holidays, cars, even food shopping. MrM was happy for me to run the accounts but it was also me who was very aware of our position and having the sleepless nights whilst he dreamt on merrily unaware.  He did know we had debts, but similar to your wife, didn't really show any interest and still doesn't.  I have told him the amount, tried showing him my spreadsheets and that we're on a budget. He know's the amount is coming down but still doesn't show much interest.  To be fair he's not a big spendy person and most of the budgeting I have done have been things I should have done a long time ago, switching energy suppliers, car & house insurance etc.

You just need to make sure your wife is on board if you are happy to continue looking after the budget. An SOA is an excellent place to start. I did mine, never posted it on here but just found it a huge help.  There's a also a good budget spreadsheet on here that I used. 

You do have to be realistic in that there will be times where you have to say no to buying or doing something.  We haven't had a holiday for a few years now and trips are planned with packed lunches as much as possible and discount vouchers for days out that aren't free.  My kids don't miss out on anything really but you do need to budget and plan.

Good luck

Naomim

Jude57

You are absolutely not a bad person. Many of the regular posters here have been/are in your situation so please don't beat yourself up about it. I'm not getting into whether you should tell your wife other than to say that it will be hard to cut costs and really tackle the debts without her knowledge. I agree that a Statement of Affairs (SOA) is your starting point as it gives you a full picture of your income and expenditure and identifies areas for cost-cutting.

I seem to be the only one who says this, but the reputable debt charities (StepChange, National Debt Line, CAB) are unlikely to offer you a Debt Management Plan if you can, according to your SOA, manage to meet your contractual monthly payments to your creditors. This is because in a DMP the charity asks the creditor to accept reduced payments and to stop interest. If you can meet your minimum payments, why would a creditor accept less? 

That said, all the reputable charities can help with budgeting advice, so you might still want to speak to one. I'd add that the regular posters here can do the same and often have some incredibly ingenious money saving tips and tricks.

Good luck with everything.

Jackmessedup

Thank you all so much for your posts. I already feel a little lighter. I agree with everything that you have all suggested. I know that we do need to get on the same page as each other. I just feel so embarrassed and ashamed that I have let things get so out of hand. 
The money has been spent on things like holidays. For example, we'll decide that we want to go somewhere on holiday and we'll look online etc. As soon as we've decided I will sort out the booking and payment etc. Quite often I have used credit cards etc to fund holidays with the intention of setting up a plan to clear the debt. Of course that never happens and before you know it we are booking another holiday. With regards to my son, we don't shower him with toys etc, although he has had lots of nice travel experiences and I pay a lot for him to do various clubs/activities. 
I will do a SOA although I can't face it right now. I have done a quick budget earlier - just a quick scribble and the reality is that we can afford to pay our debts. I have actually already spoken to Stepchange who confirmed that they can't offer any form of debt management as we are able to pay our minimums and have some money left over. This highlights just how much we have been overspending as this 'spare' money disappears into the ether. 

I have got a lot of thinking to do

Thanks again

Jude57

For what it's worth, I think most of us can empathise with money you 'should' have just evaporating. A spending diary over a month or two, noting every penny spent, is a great way to find out where that money is going. You could do it retrospectively by going through your bank accounts with a fine toothed comb but that won't show what you spent cash withdrawals on. I know how easy it is to spend £10-£20 per day on coffees, lunch, newspaper, lottery ticket. Tracking all that can be eye watering but it does help you focus!

It sounds as though you've had your light bulb moment and you're starting to take back control of your finances. That in itself is a major step so acknowledge that your spending got out of control for a while by all means. Now, though, you're moving forward.

There's loads of help and support to be had here, so take advantage of that. Once you've got your plan in place, you might find it easier to discuss it with your wife, being able to say you'd grown concerned about how much of your hard earned cash was going on interest and look, if we tighten our belts, we could start paying off these debts and ultimately saving for our family's future. Imagine being mortgage free, or able to pay your child's way through university. Long term goals yes, but doable with some hard work.

rugbymadfamily

Echoing the others, obviously you are not a terrible person. Start point for your SOA has to be what are you currently spending, only by working out where your money is currently going can you figure out exactly where to cut back. So, pull together bank and CC statements from the last 3-6 months and figure out where you are spending. Consider posting that here and people can give helpful feedback on areas to cut back. Equally, you don't have to post it if you can easily see where you are overspending (mine was obvious....£500 per month food shopping in supermarkets for 2 adults was ridiculous, we have halved that and easily around £250 per month now).

It helps with priorities as well ie would I rather use money for X or for Y. Best of luck, do keep posting as there are some people out there with excellent tips and support.

Aspiration

I actually disagree with some of the comments about having to share the amount with her.
I do agree that sharing the months budget and spreadsheet are important though as that way you can make compromises.
Our debt was quite large and we’ve stuck to the plan and it’s reducing nicely. My wife asks have we done enough and on track with the plans and we are. 

Sharing the spreadsheet with budgets is helpful as if we want to spend more money on something else it’s not a problem… as long as we are underspending on another category so the net output is still the same. 

Don’t put anymore pressure on yourself, you can see how many of us have and are in the same place.