Am I a terrible person?

Sea_Shell

Is your wife on board from a "cutting back on spending" point of view?

Even if she's not interested in the details/total, does she appreciate the need to deal with the debt ASAP?

Jackmessedup

Sea_Shell said:

Is your wife on board from a "cutting back on spending" point of view?

Even if she's not interested in the details/total, does she appreciate the need to deal with the debt ASAP?

Yes she agrees that we need to sort it

Jude57

You're doing brilliantly well @Jackmessedup. I'm so pleased you're getting the support you need and that you've spoken to your wife and dad about the situation. I worked as a debt adviser for over a decade and the common thread I found was that clients said they had their first good night's sleep after speaking to me - not because I was a miracle worker but because they'd finally confronted the big scary situation that had weighed them down and seen it for what it was, a problem with a solution. It's quite normal to have a fear of things we don't understand. I bet you're knowledgeable in your field, which could well be something I find terrifying, and you could reassure me, so be reassured when posters here say you'll get through this.

As to your debt level, yes, it's high but very far (by many hundreds of thousands) from the highest we've seen here, and you do have a healthy surplus on your SOA so although there's no magic wand solution, your situation is fixable. StepChange's most recent data shows that average unsecured debt of their clients is around the £12,000 - £13,000 mark, but bear in mind, their average client also has a budget deficit of over £350 per month.  Your situation is much more positive, although I know that can be hard to see when you're getting your head round everything.

I hope this is helpful but I know it's easy for me to say. I also hope you have a restful weekend and a happy father's day. 

Agentmomo

Jackmessedup said:

I posted this on a separate thread not realising that this wasn't allowed - sorry!

Copied and pasted below

Struggling mentally today with the level of our debts. I had a conversation with Stephchange e yesterday just to see if there was anything that could be done for us. The lady was lovely and explained that as we are able to meet our repayments, we would not be eligible for any sort of debt solution, even if some of the interest is high.kn During the conversation she said somerhing along the lines of.. "although you debt is quite high"..... Now I know it high, however I suffer with some anxiety and this has made me stressed. 

I know our debts are high but when I am feeling stressed and anxious I often blow it our of proportion. Nobody really talks about debt in real life so I beat myself up that nobody owes as much as we do. 
 
How common is it for couples to have debts of our level (60k+)? Is it common but hidden, or are we an extreme case?

Hi, I just read this and wanted to post my support....

"How common is it for couples to have debts of our level (60k+)? Is it common but hidden, or are we an extreme case?"

In my own personal experience, at the highest, our debts were £50k+ and after reading many diaries and posts on this forum, so many people are or were in a similar situation to yourself.

I believe that the key to success and reducing those debts is to recognise what got you into debt in the 1st place and changing those behaviours. Also budget properly! Not what you think a budget should look like.... A realistic one!

Set up an emergency fund if you don't already have one. Honestly, it's one of the best things you can do. Then you are not tempted to reach for a CC or apply for a loan when a real emergency happens.

I wish you all the best on your debt free journey.

Keep posting on here, you will find a lot of great advice, I'm sure.

I certainly have.

Grumpy_chap

Hi Jack,

You've taken some really positive step this week, so well done and be proud of these steps as the first of many

Jackmessedup

Thanks for everyones comments. A couple of hours ago I had another conversation with my wife about how I am feeling. I explained that the debt drags me down and that I feel stressed worried and guilty. She was quite firm with me and explained that she finds it difficult that I continually try to bring it up in conversation. She explained that she has never blamed me for it and that she knows that she was equally responsible. She explained that whilst she wants the debt to be gone, she doesn't want us to think about it every single day and allow it to overshadow our lives. 

I explained that I sometimes feel deceitful that she doesn't know the full extent of the debt. She explained that she doesn't need to know the full number as she know it stresses me and that she is happy with monthly updates on how much have cleared. She was kind, but firm with me that we can't keep having the same conversations. 

I actually feel little better 

kimwp

That's great news. I think you need to have a budget that you are both aware of and manage, otherwise it's still you shouldering the burden.

I noticed on your first SOA, you guessed at some of the amounts. If any of the entries are still a guess, you should go through your statements (ideally for the last year if typical, the year before might be better given lockdown will have affected spend) - the key to reducing spend is to understand where the money is going.

Purplelady65

It sounds as if you are taking some really positive steps forward and although your wife doesn’t want to know the total amount she is on board with reducing the amount of debt which is good. 

With your soa is that more aspirational than your actual current spending? I have had debt at a similar level with a similar income. One of the most useful things I found was to subscribe to You Need A Budget (YNAB). It allows you to set up lots of different categories then enter a budget for the month for each category and track your spending. If your bank / credit card statements cover all your previous spending (assuming you haven’t bought lots of things with cash) then you could enter all your spending for the last 3,6,9,12 months, depending how much spare time you have to do this, to see where your money has been going. This would really help you in developing a realistic budget going forwards. 

I’d also recommend Dave Ramsay’s book for some general principles on budgeting although I personally think it’s better to tackle the debts with the highest interest rates first rather than the smallest debt first regardless of interest rate which he advocates. 

One other tip - if you’ve been overspending consistently for a significant period of time then don’t be too hard on yourself with the budget setting. Just not overspending each month to start off with will be an achievement. Better to spend an extra 12 months paying off the debts than making the budget so tight that after 6 months you’re all fed up with it and go on a splurge. As others have suggested I’d also include in the budget an emergency fund, car maintenance, holidays, days out e.t.c. It’s tempting to try and put as much as possible on paper towards paying off the debt and not set up any contingency funds but then if you need a major car repair or the boiler goes it would mean you reaching for the credit card if you’ve no emergency fund set up. 

Wishing you all the best on your debt free journey. 

alt80

Good to hear you’re taking positive steps mate. 

Go through the last 3-6 months of spends (appreciate its over lockdown so not ‘normal’) - give yourself an idea of what you actually spend on various items. Just throw it into a spreadsheet and see where you’re at. 

Kakiste

Well from your last update you've been very clearly told that you're wife doesnt feel that you are decieving her in any way. That was one of the things you were really worrying about so I'm sure its brilliant to have a clear cut answer to that.