How do you handle insubordination in kids?

helensbiggestfan

😅😂.   I used to get that too.......mine could be monsters at home but at least they knew to be on their best behaviour when it really counted.  I used to get loads of compliments about their good manners, kindness to others, and that they were generally thoughtful and considerate.  So although I got exasperated at times when they were being a trial at home at least I must have got something right.  

I too found that teaching them that actions have consequences and that we have to pay the price for wrongdoing seemed to work best.  And Naomin, like your children, mine were chalk and cheese so any attempt at "punishment" - for want of a better word - had to be tailored to each child.  What worked for one would be water off a ducks back for the other.  

I don't think there is any one size fits all - children are individuals just as adults are so I think it's all  trial and error anyway.  

One thing I did notice was if my children were tired and hungry their behaviour could be shall we say "challenging".  I gave them a good feed and made them rest with a bit of quiet time and it seemed to help them calm down.  

Without being too flippant, I think children are a bit like dogs.........they need lots of wholesome food (avoid sugar rushes) and then run the legs off them to tire them out. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I genuinely think that a steady diet of junk food and too much screen time is doing a lot of damage, both to children's  health but it can also exacerbate behavioural  problems.  

edwel1793

What worked for me is a mix of positive reinforcement and punishment. The key here is having a stable and healthy communication setup. When they are being punished, you need to explain to them lovingly why they are being punished. When they are being rewarded, it is a must to let them know that those rewards should not be the sole reason why they are doing good.

maman

I found that rewards can be as simple as lots of praise and attention for the things that children do right. Children are desperate to be noticed and for parents to show they care. If the only thing that brings recognition from a parent is playing up then that's what they'll do. 

helensbiggestfan

Very true.  For some poor Kids the only attention they get is when they are being "naughty".  

I witnessed a shocking incident yesterday.  A woman with her two kids, one a daughter in her mid teens, the other a boy of about 9 or so.  The woman was on a mobility scoooter, the boy was sitting with her, on the platform thing. The woman was on her mobile, barking out orders to her daughter who was getting some cash for her from the hole in the wall.  All the while the mother was shouting at the daughter to hurry up.  Her tone was awful and the language unpleasant, and of course no question of a please or thank you.  

The boy was sitting quietly and then he tried to engage with his mum.  I couldn't hear what he was saying but he didn't appear to be asking for treats or anything and certainly wasn't whining or playing up.   She told him to shut up (words to that effect). 

Now maybe the woman was in pain or beyond her tether, I don't know the reason why she was being so unpleasant but neither of her children deserved to be treated the way she treated them or spoken to in such a harsh manner.   They weren't misbehaving or playing up. The boy was doing nothing wrong and the daughter was waiting in the queue for the hole in the wall, so couldn't go any quicker.  As it was the poor girl was so flustered she ran to find another hole in the wall (which took longer in the end). 

I felt so sorry for those poor kids, they looked so crestfallen and unhappy.  And all the while the mother was giving her attention to the mobile and largely ignoring her offspring. The only time she gave them any attention was to yell at them.  

And then some folk wonder why children engage in attention seeking behaviour. 

If a child only hears harsh words, foul mouthed  rants, and are largely ignored or taken for granted when they are behaving well then it's hardly surprising that some will develop challenging behaviour.   

We learn from the reality in which they find ourselves. If that reality is one of kindness, love and affection then that's what we learn, if the reality is one of casual cruelty and indifference than guess what, that's what we learn.  

theoretica

One thing not mentioned is parents modelling the behaviour they want the children to grow into - having the children see parents notice and thank each other, as well as the kids, for housework etc done.  The parents respond politely and positively when they ask each other to do something - maybe even conspiring to ask each other to do things they were going to do anyway.

helensbiggestfan

Yes Theoretica, that's what I was getting at.  I don't know there was a term "modelling" for it. But yes i think it's all about learned behaviours.  We learn from our parents, they are our first teachers, long before we start formal education. So, if our parents say please and thank you, and treat each other with courtesy and respect then their children will learn by osmosis.  Sadly they can also pick up on the bad stuff too. 

 Children are like sponges they just soak everything up, the good and the bad. 

Pollycat

helensbiggestfan said:

Very true.  For some poor Kids the only attention they get is when they are being "naughty".  

I witnessed a shocking incident yesterday.  A woman with her two kids, one a daughter in her mid teens, the other a boy of about 9 or so.  The woman was on a mobility scoooter, the boy was sitting with her, on the platform thing. The woman was on her mobile, barking out orders to her daughter who was getting some cash for her from the hole in the wall.  All the while the mother was shouting at the daughter to hurry up.  Her tone was awful and the language unpleasant, and of course no question of a please or thank you.  

The boy was sitting quietly and then he tried to engage with his mum.  I couldn't hear what he was saying but he didn't appear to be asking for treats or anything and certainly wasn't whining or playing up.   She told him to shut up (words to that effect). 

Now maybe the woman was in pain or beyond her tether, I don't know the reason why she was being so unpleasant but neither of her children deserved to be treated the way she treated them or spoken to in such a harsh manner.   They weren't misbehaving or playing up. The boy was doing nothing wrong and the daughter was waiting in the queue for the hole in the wall, so couldn't go any quicker.  As it was the poor girl was so flustered she ran to find another hole in the wall (which took longer in the end). 

I felt so sorry for those poor kids, they looked so crestfallen and unhappy.  And all the while the mother was giving her attention to the mobile and largely ignoring her offspring. The only time she gave them any attention was to yell at them.  

And then some folk wonder why children engage in attention seeking behaviour. 

If a child only hears harsh words, foul mouthed  rants, and are largely ignored or taken for granted when they are behaving well then it's hardly surprising that some will develop challenging behaviour.   

We learn from the reality in which they find ourselves. If that reality is one of kindness, love and affection then that's what we learn, if the reality is one of casual cruelty and indifference than guess what, that's what we learn.  

I see this on buses.

Mums (usually young) get on with a kid in a pushchair, park the pushchair with the child facing away from them and spend the whole journey on their mobile while the kids grizzle or scream.

MalMonroe

I used to speak to my daughter. I was left to be a single parent when she was 9 and then decided to switch from working part time to full time as money was very tight once I was trying to cope on my own. There wasn't really a lot of time left over for chats after we'd both had full busy days and I had all the other domestic dull stuff to deal with. But we always made at least a half hour every day to catch up. Yes we had to cope with the ups and downs of teenager-hood but she always felt able to tell me how she was feeling and how sometimes the things I said and did made her feel. I think if you can be open to a bit of criticism from your children, it isn't a bad thing. Some of the things she said really made me think and wonder if I was being too harsh just for the sake of it. Sometimes I did step back and think, 'is it really that important if she does or doesn't do whatever?' And most times, it wasn't that important at all.

I know it's difficult when people have more than one child but I was in a situation where I was the only adult. If people could just try to treat children as people and listen to them now and again, they'd be a lot happier. Sometimes my daughter would throw a strop but if I went and hugged her (she usually resisted but I persisted) it became clear that that was what she wanted. Hugs. Just a bit of my time and a lot of understanding. 

And far from making her clingy, her upbringing meant that when she became an adult she wanted to go to uni in a different town and wanted to spread her wings and eventually end up living overseas, preferably in the US. Unfortunately she was thwarted in her attempts by a disabling illness but she still has independence of mind and spirit and has built herself a successful online career.

You have to think about why you had children in the first place. To love and raise into lovely adults or to rule with an iron fist. If you were my ex mother-in-law you'd say that all your (3) kids were accidents and make them feel really good about themselves    but that's another story.

maman

I agree adults should listen and take criticism. I believe that respect is earned and it works both ways.

Also, I think you do have to choose your red lines carefully and not just nag away at all and everything. 

gettingtheresometime

I'm a strong believer in showing actions have consequences. 

When junior was younger he was asked to put on his coat...he refused. So we went out, him without his coat. He complained he was cold 5 minutes later. He got told  that he had to lump it as that was the reason I'd asked him to wear a coat. Never refused to do as I asked again.