How do you handle insubordination in kids?

Savvy_Sue

rach_k said:

Logical consequences.  If you're barking random orders at them to do things with no good reason, I can see why they'd ignore you.  Treat them like people. 

Tell them why they are being asked to do something and what the logical consequence will be if they don't.  Be prepared to allow the consequence to happen and always make it a real consequence e.g. "We need to put our shoes on so we can go to the playground.  If you don't put your shoes on, that wouldn't be safe for your feet so we will have to stay at home and be bored."   Then do it. 

I don't like random 'consequences' because they teach nothing about cause and effect and it's obvious you're just making things up to get your way e.g. no shoes = no TV isn't a real consequence.  

I once took youngest to school in his pyjamas, was fed up of him making his brothers late. I made sure his teacher knew we'd arrived, and she suggested taking him into a quiet corner where he could dress. 

The next day he had to walk to school in his pants. Fortunately his coat was over-sized and protected more of his modesty than that suggests, but the lollipop lady noticed. 

No problems after that - at least not with dressing in the mornings!

bouicca21

Gosh, admiration Savvy Sue.  I threatened to take my youngest in her pyjamas but never had to carry the threat out.  I was also rather good at being stern and counting to three before I got VERY cross. Never got beyond two (and a half).

BrassicWoman

I wouldn't call it insubordination because they're not in the army.

If that's your mindset, everything is going to turn into a fight and battle of wills!

Alan2020

I believe since this is a hypothetical topic on parenting pre 1800s, if you take a leaf from the british army then death penalty for gross insubordination.  Since we are 2021 maybe you should call social services to relieve you of your children ... who even uses insubordination, are you their master?

Happy_Sloth

Savvy_Sue said:

rach_k said:

Logical consequences.  If you're barking random orders at them to do things with no good reason, I can see why they'd ignore you.  Treat them like people. 

Tell them why they are being asked to do something and what the logical consequence will be if they don't.  Be prepared to allow the consequence to happen and always make it a real consequence e.g. "We need to put our shoes on so we can go to the playground.  If you don't put your shoes on, that wouldn't be safe for your feet so we will have to stay at home and be bored."   Then do it. 

I don't like random 'consequences' because they teach nothing about cause and effect and it's obvious you're just making things up to get your way e.g. no shoes = no TV isn't a real consequence.  

I once took youngest to school in his pyjamas, was fed up of him making his brothers late. I made sure his teacher knew we'd arrived, and she suggested taking him into a quiet corner where he could dress. 

The next day he had to walk to school in his pants. Fortunately his coat was over-sized and protected more of his modesty than that suggests, but the lollipop lady noticed. 

No problems after that - at least not with dressing in the mornings!

oh my goodness this made me laugh! i thought i was the only bad parent that had taken their child to school in their PJ's my boy is now 19 and he still remembers me forcing him out of the car in his PJ's.  

swingaloo2

At the risk of making myself quite unpopular, I thinnk the counting to 3/naughty step/time out/reward chart style of controlling a childs behaviour is the biggest mistake of the last 40 years. Look where it has got us, a generation of mums who think its acceptable to F and blind at little ones in pushchairs and then dont care when the little one picks up the foul language. A generation of teenagers who dont give a damn for authority. I know its not every teenager as there are many who are a credit to thier parents. 
I have a family member who swore by the reward method and I could have laughed out loud when her daugher at the age of 8 turned to her mum when asked to take some things upstairs and said 'If I do, whats in it for me and dont tell me a gold star' and when told by mum 'I'm asking you nicely to please take these clothes upstairs' replied 'Im telling you nicely that I cant be bothered'. Same mum has a son who goes to school late almost every day and when I spoke to him about it he said that if he was 5 mins late he got detention (which they cant make me do) so I may as well be an hour late as it makes no difference. Another relative has a 19 year old who has had and lost 4 jobs up to now as he 'Isn't going to have anyone telling him what to do'.
Why have we got into this mindset that it's wrong to chastise a child. A parents job is to give a child love and guidance and that includes teaching right from wrong and learning that there are rules you have to follow in life like it or not. No employer is going to let you sit on the naughty step till you have calmed down. 
I dont believe in smacking children, if it gets to that stage then the battle is lost anyway but parents should be in control of the children not the other way round. 
Recently in our area 2 15 year olds have been stabbed, one by a 14 year old and one by a 13 year old. Both these things happened during the early hours of the morning one at 4am and one around 2 am. I was speaking to a neighbour and said I could not understand why 13-15 year olds were out on the street at that time and got the response 'Well my daughters lads (11 and 14) often get up in the night and go out and she cant do anything about that can she'. Why not! We are failing our children on so many levels by allowing them to live without rules and sitting on the 'what can I do' fence. One of the lads who was stabbed later died and now the 14 year old that stabbed him has a lifetime to live with his actions. Everyone was saying how disgusting it was that this child could stab someone but to me that child has been failed by society just as much as the boy he stabbed.

strawb_shortcake

I agree wholly with swingaloo2, my niece uses the naughty step for her Son, she's been doing for quite some time and he's only 2.5yrs now. He never understood the concept when it started and now he sees that he's given the choice of doing something "naughty" and sitting on the step or not doing something that seemed like fun, needless to say he spends a fair bit of time on the step.

maman

Out of curiosity, as spendless and annabanana are critical of the naughty step or other current method of managing children's  behaviour, what's the  technique that you'd use? 🤔

Mojisola

annabanana82 said:

my niece uses the naughty step for her Son, she's been doing for quite some time and he's only 2.5yrs now. He never understood the concept when it started and now he sees that he's given the choice of doing something "naughty" and sitting on the step or not doing something that seemed like fun, needless to say he spends a fair bit of time on the step.

One thing all parents should know is that if a technique stops working, stop using it!
There will be more effective ways of getting him to behave.

bouicca21

I’m having difficulty with the concept of punishing a 2 year old.  That sounds like a parent who has totally unrealistic expectations of age appropriate behaviour.

i hadn’t noticed that my counting to three technique had turned my children into foul mouthed, work shy, feral adults.  I shall have to pay more attention next time I see them.