Family Woes!

burlingtonfl6

Spendless said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

Spendless said:

OP-maybe re-look at the way you've worded your initial post, it might go someway towards understanding the responses you've received if you can look objectively.


You've said you don't find it acceptable that the puppy messes in the house. I'm afraid that is part of having a puppy until they're toilet trained.  How old is it? A pup has to be a min of 8 weeks before leaving the litter, so getting around Xmas time, you're maybe looking at a 14 week old .dog. Do you drop off your kids there (if so why?) because you've said the dog is snappy, so am wondering how you know?. There was a recent TV program  about puppies and in one home where there were several kids, when similar happened, and a dog behaviour worker was called in, she said it was down to the dog not being given enough time of its own without kids. Once they gave the dog some personal space/time it improved. Now, I understand you can't go telling your ex how to fetch up his dog, but if it's partly your kids dog too, maybe watching something like that will help them be around the pup. Should they clean up it's mess? it is part of dog ownership, so the older one, yes, the younger maybe, depends on where and what, I know you've said the little one is being left to it, do you mean in the house where you've said the dog is messing, if so where is everyone else? If it's in the garden then the pup must be on it's way to being toilet trained.


It's quite clear you dislike your ex's new partner. The kids will pick up on that, of course they will, they love you, you're their Mum. They won't what to tell you what a fab time they've had at their Dad's if they think that will hurt you and if you've got kids that are usually happy about chores, well done because mine still can whinge and they're a lot older! 

be careful, you'll get your post removed and a warning for stating things like this

and yet I'm not the first to comment about this post #7. Ex's new partner might be an evil witch for all I know  , but if I can pick up on dislike from emotive written words, then the kids will certainly be able to.

I said similar and got a warning. I agree with you. Just thought you should know.

Spendless

burlingtonfl6 said:

Spendless said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

Spendless said:

OP-maybe re-look at the way you've worded your initial post, it might go someway towards understanding the responses you've received if you can look objectively.


You've said you don't find it acceptable that the puppy messes in the house. I'm afraid that is part of having a puppy until they're toilet trained.  How old is it? A pup has to be a min of 8 weeks before leaving the litter, so getting around Xmas time, you're maybe looking at a 14 week old .dog. Do you drop off your kids there (if so why?) because you've said the dog is snappy, so am wondering how you know?. There was a recent TV program  about puppies and in one home where there were several kids, when similar happened, and a dog behaviour worker was called in, she said it was down to the dog not being given enough time of its own without kids. Once they gave the dog some personal space/time it improved. Now, I understand you can't go telling your ex how to fetch up his dog, but if it's partly your kids dog too, maybe watching something like that will help them be around the pup. Should they clean up it's mess? it is part of dog ownership, so the older one, yes, the younger maybe, depends on where and what, I know you've said the little one is being left to it, do you mean in the house where you've said the dog is messing, if so where is everyone else? If it's in the garden then the pup must be on it's way to being toilet trained.


It's quite clear you dislike your ex's new partner. The kids will pick up on that, of course they will, they love you, you're their Mum. They won't what to tell you what a fab time they've had at their Dad's if they think that will hurt you and if you've got kids that are usually happy about chores, well done because mine still can whinge and they're a lot older! 

be careful, you'll get your post removed and a warning for stating things like this

and yet I'm not the first to comment about this post #7. Ex's new partner might be an evil witch for all I know  , but if I can pick up on dislike from emotive written words, then the kids will certainly be able to.

I said similar and got a warning. I agree with you. Just thought you should know.

Thanks for the tip off. That would certainly be disappointing, especially as I also say the kids will love her and not wish to cause her hurt.

Charlies_Aunt

Yes I do dislike my ex’s partner. They had an affair and broke up my marriage. My daughter was 2 weeks old when it started, he started working “late”, saying it was overtime for the house we were buying. I was engrossed in my new daughter, so didn’t realise. Then he said he had to work away for a weekend, all the time he was seeing her. So please excuse me if they are not my favourite people. I don’t bad mouth their dad, but my son asked what happened and I told him. Neither of them like going there as they don’t like her, they barely see him as he’s working. (Old story 🤣)..
Neither of them are approachable, so I don’t bother. If I mention things to him his answer is. “What goes on in my house is my business”. So now you see my predicament. 🤬

pickledonionspaceraider

Charlies_Aunt said:

Yes I do dislike my ex’s partner. They had an affair and broke up my marriage. My daughter was 2 weeks old when it started, he started working “late”, saying it was overtime for the house we were buying. I was engrossed in my new daughter, so didn’t realise. Then he said he had to work away for a weekend, all the time he was seeing her. So please excuse me if they are not my favourite people. I don’t bad mouth their dad, but my son asked what happened and I told him. Neither of them like going there as they don’t like her, they barely see him as he’s working. (Old story 🤣)..
Neither of them are approachable, so I don’t bother. If I mention things to him his answer is. “What goes on in my house is my business”. So now you see my predicament. 🤬

I understand you are hurt.  It sounds as if you have had a very rough time. 

And I am sorry in advance if the below comes across as I am being mean, but there is a lot that YOU don't seem to understand about YOUR actions, and the effects they will have on your children.

 I have to wonder, for what reason did you feel the need to tell your child, about your ex's affair?  What did you hope to gain from this - other than cause your child to feel a certain way... 

I think you have made a big mistake here, I gotta say
My point being is that, yes children do deserve to know the truth, but when they are much older.  They have no business knowing about, or even the insight of understanding of adult relationships - the goods and the bad.  Telling your child something so potentially damaging to them, whilst they are still young, and dressing yourself up as the riotous one, makes you look like you are point scoring off the back of your sons mental health.

The whole thing seems to be about YOU, how YOU feel about it all - other than a mention of your children not liking going there, which they wouldn't if you had already told them how badly daddy had hurt mummy - it will have swayed their opinion

Comments like ' their house must stink' are really telling of your feelings...

Worst mistake ever - using kids to get revenge on an ex.  It is storing mental health issues up for the future, for them. 

Have some insight - you need to move on. Let go of past hurts - because YOUR priority needs to be the kids, not the bitterness 

What matters is how his new partner treats your children.  This is what is important .  It is the only thing that is important. 

With regards to the dog mess thing.  I would NOT ask a 5 year old to do this - as I would be concerned about contaminants.  However, I would only buy a puppy for children if they genuinely wanted one and if I wanted one in the house  - and yes then I would ensure they cleaned up, but I feel five is too young an age to deal with the responsibility, never mind the mess

A parent is part of a child, half their DNA and when you slate the other parent, as is easy to do when we are upset, it causes upset to the child and changes their perception of things - the end of innocence

Spendless

Charlies_Aunt said:

Yes I do dislike my ex’s partner. They had an affair and broke up my marriage. My daughter was 2 weeks old when it started, he started working “late”, saying it was overtime for the house we were buying. I was engrossed in my new daughter, so didn’t realise. Then he said he had to work away for a weekend, all the time he was seeing her. So please excuse me if they are not my favourite people. I don’t bad mouth their dad, but my son asked what happened and I told him. Neither of them like going there as they don’t like her, they barely see him as he’s working. (Old story 🤣)..
Neither of them are approachable, so I don’t bother. If I mention things to him his answer is. “What goes on in my house is my business”. So now you see my predicament. 🤬

Ahhh then I can see that the kids especially eldest would def not wish to hurt you more by saying too much (anything?) positive about being over at their Dad's house, including about a puppy.
Given this was 5 years ago (youngest was 2 weeks old, she's now 5) how much have you managed to move on with your life? 
Tbh - I think this is about far more than whether kids should pick up dog poo and at what age. 

Marvel1

You probably do things that your ex does not like.

Spendless

I've gone back to your first post and see you've put that the children live there 50% of the time. So you have shared residency (or whatever the correct term is)? This makes more sense of why Dad is not always there. I did wonder if he was booking overtime shifts on his weekends and what the reason behind that would be. If kids are there half the time, depending on what his shift pattern and the contact time is then yes, they're going to be there more for 'everyday life' than if they were just there on Dad's time off. Mine as they grew up  didn't come across their Dad much during his working week and we're married and live in the same house!

Are you alone during the times your children aren't there as that will quite possibly contribute to low mood too?

74jax

It's also worth bearing in mind, what the kids are saying in the other house. Dad and partner may have been told many things you do / make the kids do, but dad has chosen not to bring them up.
It could be a case of 'pick your battles'. 

Gavin83

I’d also be really careful what you say to your children in regards to their father. I have a friend who’s mum constantly slated his dad after they separated and my friend doesn’t talk to his mum anymore because of it. I know a few others in similar positions who really don’t like the critical parent.

Essentially if you slag off the father expect your kids to walk away from you in the future. If you don’t want that (and who would) just don’t mention their father or if you do keep it neutral.

lindsay54v3

Personally I think it can be very rewarding for young children to be taught to care for a pet, being 5 years old I think it would be very reasonable for you to have a conversation with them just to make sure she's supervised while doing it to ensure she's definitely doing so safely and cleaning her hands properly. If it becomes confrontational on their end you can always back away from the conversation saying it would be much appreciated if they help her with the task at least a few times so she's being careful, or ask your older son if he can check in on her if all else fails. From your end you could also have a conversation with your daughter about the importance of washing her hands properly every time after she does it - if you have not done so already -  make it fun for her like she has to sing through a certain amount of lines of her favourite song while she scrubs her hands  

As a child of parents that have separated I've seen first hand the effect it can have on both parents, and experienced the effect it had on me as a child. Everyone has their own way of coping and dealing with things, but being told about the problems could be very upsetting for me as I felt uncomfortable hearing negative things. Honesty is great, but if it could potentially upset them it might be better to confide in friends or keep the details a bit shorter (i.e we both still love you so much, sometimes adults fall out like friends do, it's a perfectly normal part of life') 
Best practice from my experience is to always try to speak about the other parent as you would wish them to speak about you to the children, even though it's definitely hard and the possibility of it not being the same on the other side is unfair. Even at a young age I was able to sense things weren't quite right before anything even came out in the open, honesty in small doses is good and putting on a brave face can be a hard but rewarding method.

You clearly care dearly about your children and have every right to feel hurt by the situation that has occurred, by no means am I intended to be criticising and apologies if it seems that way (I hope not), just offering my perspective as a child that has gone through the situation of parents divorcing. I hope there is an amicable agreement on this situation and that they are able to have a fulfilling time with both you and their father!