Declutter Mind and Declutter home

balabooberlies

Frogletina, LL (HBF) and Barb.  Your lives stagger me.  Your growing strength staggers me.  Your attitudes blow me away.  I am humbled.

bala

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helensbiggestfan

Thanks Bala. 🥰

Frogletina and Barb. Thank you so much for sharing your stories.  I take my hat off to you both,  for your courage, your strength and your fortitude. You are both amazing women and your histories and your recoveries will be an inspiration to anyone who reads them. Sending you both ❤️❤️ And 💐💐. 

And heres to our future selves 🥂💃. 

TC77

Hugs and positive and supportive thoughts to everyonel. Thank you for sharing stories and showing how we do cope with such adversity and can be stronger and become more truly ourselves.
It's made me think more about the links with different clutters for me.  My ex when we split  I had 2 year old) told me he'd make sure I had to work full-time, and then with DD2 her father who decided after a few weeks he couldn't cope with me, baby and 6/7 year old that  I had to record everything I spent to get a penny from him.  Ex then paid less when DD was about 10 and stopped giving me any money when she was a teenager despite his wife not working and living in a house with tennis courts! He criticised me for letting DD chose her clothes from HM and Primark and he and his wife made  her  wear Boden clothes more suited to much younger child when she was there. In more recent years had DD boyfriend living with us off and on, been told both his parents were dying,. He has a personality disorder (I found out later)  and we had the police round a few times (in the middle of the night), either DD worried he was going to harm himself or neigbhours calling them,  I had things smashed and still have things to repair! They moved out at one time, and I reassured my daughter she could stay, then she wouldn't see me but I dropped bags of food near their flat (not allowed to know exactly where) as she had refused to be an inpatient for her anorexia - she had taken out debt to help her boyfriend's family I think and I tried not to give her money, but support over the phone and just be there for her. Her anxiety stopped her doing so much, l managed to help her get supported housing, now she's in a private shared house, doesn't get on with the people and staying at her ex's most of the time. Positive note she's found somewhere else to move to, her ex is now finally getting mental health support (NHS failed him badly), and she is in first year of nursing but still needs alot of support. I have always worked full-time but with flexibility managing to leave work early a couple of days a week to pick up from school, and attended all school plays, sports days etc but still reflect that I should have been there more for them. 
I can't imagine how many of you have coped with bereavements close together and the emotions of this and the practicalities of probate and dealing with others' houses. 
Inspired and in awe of you, and so grateful to have met you all on this thread. I've a friend who often used to say to me I don't know how you cope with your life.. which really annoyed me as I have always known I have so much in my life, with my girls, able to work and have a nice house (if scruffy) and that while challenges there are always moments of happiness and things to make you smile.  Its the here and now which is important and it's what we do now which creates our future..
Hugs and hope everyone finds some time of calm in these difficult times, and be compassionate to yourself, I think being a good friend to ourselves can really help. 

helensbiggestfan

I think the physical clutter is often a manifestation of emotional turmoil. I'm no psychologist but I think the two are linked. But one thing I learned from clearing out my parents family home was that ultimately it's just "stuff". Hanging on to their possessions doesn't bring the deceased back. 

My father was a dreadful hoarder and he gave me hell for daring to throw stuff away. We are talking rotten wood and rusty nails and screws here, bless him. 😂,  I had to lie to him and tell him it that some furniture had gone to the charity shop when in actual fact they couldn't take it because it was in such poor condition.  The removal men took pity on me and also lied to my dad to save his feelings, telling him they would take it but in reality doing a detour to the recycling plant.   Sometimes a little white lie is a kindness.  

Fortunately I'm not a hoarder so my home has never been too overwhelmed, most of my clutter has been hidden in cupboards, lofts and garages so it always looked neat and tidy. However, seeing what I had to deal with when I had to move my parents into care and sell their home made me realise I did actually have an awful lot of stuff and my poor kids would be lumbered with the task of disposing of it all. I resolved to get my house in order so as to make things easier for my family.   I believe it is called "Swedish Death Cleaning".   I am almost finished.  Just one final push this year. The only things I want to keep in my loft will be Christmas decorations and a few bits belonging to one of my sons that I'm storing for him.  

Frogletina

I have been decluttering for a while now, but the problems I have now are what to do with those items that belonged to family who are no longer here.

I have paintings by my mother that don't see the light of day. Maybe I should try to display them. Some are already displayed, but I have a lot of sloping walls. I also have a tea set of hers and soup bowls and saucers that are pretty that I've now put where I'll see them more often.

My father's things are in a small tin, which I look at from time to time. But he also left a handwritten diary that he wrote during the war years which really needs a wider audience. 

My grandmother's china should go, it's been in a suitcase for years.

That leaves items that belonged to my son. I brought his ties back here, a good camera and there are some items that I can pass onto the grandchildren. Some sentimental items I want to keep. 

One thing that annoys me still is that his youngest sister wouldn't let him have the tin box which was all that he asked for when their father died. Being executor it should have been my decision but she said there were important papers in it and it would be the last thing to leave the house, but when I got to the house she'd removed it. After my son died I asked her for it again and she said she didn't remember him asking for it! I now store his some of his things in there. It's what he would have wanted but I'm so cross he never got it when he was still alive.

One of my granddaughter's has taken 2 of his guitars. I have 3 still here, but I don't play. I'm hoping once the pandemic is over that one of my friends will take a look at them and hopefully strum a few tunes for me when he's here. 

Then I have a few of his clothes, mainly for motorcycling, and a damaged helmet. It doesn't seem logical to keep them, but neither does getting rid of them, as if when they go , the memories go, even the bad ones. Before he died he was in a motorbike accident while out testing a bike for work; he broke several ribs. After an operation to reset them he was back at home recovering when he had a fatal heart attack while he was sleeping, one we were told could have happened at any time. 

I know one day I will condense his items into that black tin box, but I think now is too soon. 

Frogletina

BarbCh said:

Mum kept a box full of old wrapping paper that she carefully peeled the tape from.... smoothed out the paper before folding neatly, I. Order to be reused!hence 30 years later this neatly folded paper had yellowed and cracked with age! 
says it all!! 

I have several rolls of unused wrapping paper, and also Christmas cards.

I can't seem to resist a bargain when I see it but I'm determined now not to buy anymore. I was bought a book of really lovely wrapping paper by my eldest girl which I'll never get to use if I keep buying other ones. Maybe next Christmas I should use the best papers first. Also start giving lots away in the gift bags I have. It's not that I can't afford to buy new ones. I also need to dispose of the silly gifts one sometimes gets given. Too bad to even pass on to anyone else. Charity shop here I come when they eventually open again!

Floss

My father's things are in a small tin, which I look at from time to time. But he also left a handwritten diary that he wrote during the war years which really needs a wider audience. 

Frogletina, Would you consider contacting either the Imperial War Museum or the British Library about your father's diary, it may be useful for researchers from a social history point? 

kat360

Thank you all for sharing your stories, You are all so amazing and you are giving me so much hope. 

My now exoh is armed forces, we had been together for 15 years and married for 10. I supported him through joining and a few out of areas, Got him help for his gambling problems and we had 4 kids together. I have suffered with mental health issues in the past, my teenage years were full of self harm and suicide attempts. Throughout our 15 years together he cheated multiple times, ran up ridiculous amounts in debt and gaslighted the hell out of me. He abused me in every way possible and I stayed because he isolated me from my friends and family. Last March I stupidly took him back after finding out that he had again cheated and the poor woman who he was seeing had tried to commit suicide when she found out that we were still together. He promised to get mental help, he began seeing a councillor who he said told him that he needed to build friendships with women without seeing them as people he could sleep with. So he joined a few mental health Facebook groups and made friends with one of the admins on the group. 

We were supposed to go on holiday with his parents in September 2020 but my dog had pups so I stayed here while he took the kids on holiday with his mum and dad.  He took the kids to meet up with this woman when they were supposed to be driving home, got the kids to lie about where they were and what they had done. (My eldest later said she witnessed them kissing and her rubbing up against him) They also met her adult son and adult nephew.

A few weeks later he said that he had to go away for work ( a regular occurrence), I needed to find some paperwork for one of the pups that we had sold. I logged onto the family email to find a receipt for a hotel room in both their names and to find that he had used out credit card to pay for the room. I called him and told him not to bother coming back, he was insistent that nothing was going on and that she was just his friend, that I was crazy, that he had to put down two names because he wanted a double room.  ( He later "accidentally" uploaded half naked pictures of them both with the time stamp of that day on them to our shared amazon photos and the kids got to see it too as it was connected to all their tablets) He has been travelling to see her even though we are in lockdown, he missed both of our daughters birthdays as he was with her (the timestamped photos had some from the days of both their birthdays)

I let him come for Christmas day and he kept disappearing to the toilet and then walking around upstairs. I had to tell him to get out of the kids rooms 3 times. He's never coming in this house again, my eldest,dd11, has decided that she doesn't want to talk to or see him ever again. He's going away for 4 months in March, so is pressuring me to make her see him. She has said that he has been abusive to her too, I'm planning on calling my dd10s school councillor for some advice. ( She's in counselling as they noticed a drastic change to her behaviour after her dad had left). Yesterday we had to have our 14yo dog euthanised, He couldn't even look me in the eye when he took him. He has done so much more damage to me and the kids than I can write about right now.

We are hopefully going to move closer to my family but we are low down on the waiting list for a house as we live in a different county. My kids have never been happier and we can now do the things we were never "allowed" to do. My mental health has never been better and I've lost just over 2 stone in weight (I even managed to not gain weight over Christmas) I've been able to talk to friends that I haven't been able to talk to for years. My decluttering journey is because he was a hoarder and kept the most useless things and our house is 2 two bed houses knocked through to make 1 four bed house. I can only get a three bed so we are going to have to get rid of loads of stuff. Sorry for the long post but it feels really good to get off my chest.

TC77

Frogletina - you will know when it's time to pass things on, and find your own time with items that have such strong memories.
Now with wrapping paper and gift bags I'm like you and want to use my best next year! I have fabulous ribbon but never get round to adding this.  
When I found my grandmother's china wasn't worth much I started using the pieces I like and will (still to be done) give the rest to charity. Some one suggested I keep say the cups and saucers or plates etc - whichever part of the set I would use. For some reason the dinner service has around 30 plates, I think some are slightly larger than others but clearly there was much entertaining! I also have huge tureens and either need to use or put on display as I love the pattern. Mentally is abit more clutter too.

Frogletina

Floss said:

My father's things are in a small tin, which I look at from time to time. But he also left a handwritten diary that he wrote during the war years which really needs a wider audience. 

Frogletina, Would you consider contacting either the Imperial War Museum or the British Library about your father's diary, it may be useful for researchers from a social history point? 

I think it has more of a local interest as my father was a firewatcher in the city. I thought about donating it to the city archives but they want published books.

I promised my mother years ago that I would get it published so I ought to look into that before it's too late.