Declutter Mind and Declutter home

BarbCh

I've started this new thread in response to comments made in Decluttering.
I wouldn't  want to 'clutter another thread' about mind decluttering, so I welcome anyone to join in this thread and share views tips, etc. About your experiences and how they can help and inspire others 

Frogletina

Thanks for this new thread.
I have just subscribed to it, and I think I will find it very useful

frogletina

balabooberlies

Ditto

bala

balabooberlies

I love the thought that my mind is a garden.  I am going to run with that................

Frogletina

I too was in a one parent household from the age of 8 due to the death of my father, also with just one brother at a similar time to you. I'm just a few years older.

I think it has shaped my relationship to the men in my life, never meeting anyone who could match the father I once had, and always failed in the relationships that I have had.

My mother was very capable in a way that I wasn't and seemed to excel in everything she did. I was the rebel, who married disastrously at 17, already pregnant followed by a second relationship and a new baby, which I repeated a third time, along with a marriage which at least lasted for 17 years until I ended it.

Another long term relationship ended a month before I was 50, this time it was not my choice and it took a long time to recover. 

But the years have passed and I feel I am very independent, something I've always strived to be and not reliant on anyone. It does have its drawbacks though..always having to make decisions by oneself and not having anyone to talk things through with at the end of the day. That's where forums like this one come in.

Thanks for reading, just a bit of background to me and how I got to where I am now.

frogletina

Frogletina

BarbCh said:

@Frogletina
Thanks for sharing.... 
...So if you have any tips to share about coping mechanisms etc, it would be great x

It took me 7 years to get over my partner leaving me. I was still living in the house we had shared together (after giving him his share of the equity), and was just working, eating, sleeping and not much else. I wasted so much of my 50s which I now regret.

I credit moving on to 3 things during that seventh year.

1) I took voluntary redundancy from work.

2) I sold my house and bought an apartment.

3) I went on holiday to Turkey by myself and had a fling with a young Turkish musician

When I came home from Turkey I wrote loads of poems, went out listening to music at open mic nights and started reading  my poetry at various places which I did for a few years. 

I miss those years but times change. Venues close, people move on and in these Covid times nowhere is open anyway. 

frogletina

p00

Frogletina said:

BarbCh said:

@Frogletina
Thanks for sharing.... 
...So if you have any tips to share about coping mechanisms etc, it would be great x

It took me 7 years to get over my partner leaving me. I was still living in the house we had shared together (after giving him his share of the equity), and was just working, eating, sleeping and not much else. I wasted so much of my 50s which I now regret.

I credit moving on to 3 things during that seventh year.

1) I took voluntary redundancy from work.

2) I sold my house and bought an apartment.

3) I went on holiday to Turkey by myself and had a fling with a young Turkish musician

When I came home from Turkey I wrote loads of poems, went out listening to music at open mic nights and started reading  my poetry at various places which I did for a few years. 

I miss those years but times change. Venues close, people move on and in these Covid times nowhere is open anyway. 

frogletina

One of the most empowering things in life is to do things on your own instead of thinking 'I could never do that on my own'.
I had a terrible time after I split from my partner after 18 years. I told him to go.  The thing that beat me up was realising how much time and energy I gave trying to make things work. Within weeks of 'being fair' and helping him set up a new home and splitting our finances etc he was in a relationship then engaged to someone else and put it all over Facebook. He married within a year. I spent 2 years drinking too much and in a total depression. Not because he had moved on but because I had wasted so much of my life on someone who simply didnt care. I was already 61 so what a waste.
Then I went to New Zealand to visit my sister for a month and I went business class. We laughed every day.
Soon after I came back I went on a solos river cruise down the Danube. I was 63. One of the best holidays I have had.  I then went on a solo Nile cruise where I was the only solo person onboard but it didnt matter as everyone was lovely and friendly.
I would certainly have been on another solo holiday if not for this Covid.
Im ready to meet someone (now Im 67) maybe but as friends and see how it goes.
It made me realise I only have to look after ME. It is not my role in life to look after another adult as if Im their mother. Relationships have to be equal in caring about the other person.
If youve never done it start by just going out for lunch in a cafe on your own and build from there. Join a craft or education class. Or jump in when this virus allows and book a holiday. You will be amazed how you feel afterwards.
p00 x

Frogletina

Well done P00 in recognising that you couldn't continue in your marriage and making such changes in your life.

I should have split up with my partner sooner but I wanted to make it work after my previous failures, only for him to leave me. He didn't do that easily either, as he stayed for another 18 months as it was convenient for him.

He'd previously been made redundant and had asked me if I would support him if he went to university, only for a year later to decide he wanted us to split up. I agreed he could stay and still supported him. I hoped if he was still with me he might realise he'd made the wrong decision.

The evening before his finals I got a call from a friend telling me she'd been seeing him and she'd been drinking and they'd obviously had a row. She kept ringing and leaving messages on our answerphone which I deleted as I was more worried they would affect his exams. I never told him I knew about the two of them. It didn't last. 

He's settled down again, though won't marry her (I'm still friends with his mum!) He's got a good job, bought a house and I hope he's happy. When we moved in together, he said we would be together as long as we made each other happy. I guess I failed. But in a way I think I've won, because he no longer makes me unhappy.

TC77

BarbCh, thanks for setting this up, and thanks everyone for sharing your stories. Frogletina, you've been amazing with your ex. I do believe that it's best if ex are happy as they move on and its no having them make us unhappy, or allowing them to make us unhappy which is so important. 
I've always been quite independent and travelled on my own etc, but after marriage broke down and I was with my daughter 2 had a lovely few years then met someone, (ex had moved on and away and having kids so think i wanted to be with someone), then I was pregnant, and the father  decided he couldn't cope with me, baby and 7 year old so on my own from week 4! Older daughter started behaving badly and taking everything out on me and I handled it badly, she didn't want to see her dad and I made her go alternate weekends as agreement as he said they had a wonderful time and I was not caring for her properly. She didn't tell me how awful her time was there, then my mum was ill and I spend alot of time travelling most weekends to see her, , then DD major problems at school, her dad said she had to live with him. I told her I wanted her to stay with me, she didnt care ( I think depressed by them). He promised she could come home whenever she wanted , then didn't let her etc and wouldn't let her carry on with counselling (although she refused to go alot) as he said would stigmatise her. Eventually went to court and she came back to me but developed anorexia while at her dad (already anxious). I met someone who then wasn't great to me,but DDs said how  I was nicer when he was around and seemed to love him so I kept going out for about a year but he had quashed my confidence . Anyway DD1 has had years of anguish and difficulties,. I've supported her and we get on now but her blame of me for when she was a young teenager is very strong and I can see how I didn't take time to just be there for her or listen and would never had made her go to her dad's!  Been on my own nearly 10 years which is fine, have always worked full time. But I now get more anxious - had roof leak about 4 years ago and took 2 years with insurance company  so worry when it rains that will happen again, and had extension built and had critters in the walls for over a year  - fingers crossed that found source of problem but dread going in that part of the house. Collected physical clutter since my mum died, and my dad in his 90s is organised but keeps things so I try and take things to dump etc, but some comes into my house and find those harder to get rid of than mine. I'm working on areas of my life but feel awful that I didn't stand up to DD dad and let her go there, and that kept going out with others when not doing my mental health good, and then not so able to be the mum I wanted at key times.
Have many folder, or stuff dealing with court stuff - some on pause. 
Sorry for the long ramble, enough to say that mental and physical go together, I have bought things I don't love as I don't feel I deserve lovely things at time or I shouldn't spend money on myself, so want to get rid of the mindset and the things!
Thanks for the thread and all the lovely people here and on Mrs SDs. Take care x

p00

Frogletina said:

Well done P00 in recognising that you couldn't continue in your marriage and making such changes in your life.

I should have split up with my partner sooner but I wanted to make it work after my previous failures, only for him to leave me. He didn't do that easily either, as he stayed for another 18 months as it was convenient for him.

He'd previously been made redundant and had asked me if I would support him if he went to university, only for a year later to decide he wanted us to split up. I agreed he could stay and still supported him. I hoped if he was still with me he might realise he'd made the wrong decision.

The evening before his finals I got a call from a friend telling me she'd been seeing him and she'd been drinking and they'd obviously had a row. She kept ringing and leaving messages on our answerphone which I deleted as I was more worried they would affect his exams. I never told him I knew about the two of them. It didn't last. 

He's settled down again, though won't marry her (I'm still friends with his mum!) He's got a good job, bought a house and I hope he's happy. When we moved in together, he said we would be together as long as we made each other happy. I guess I failed. But in a way I think I've won, because he no longer makes me unhappy.

Frogletina never think you have failed. We beat ourselves up for years usually with the what ifs and blaming ourselves. When it comes down to it, when we believe we can be better and stronger on our own that's what we become.  
I even split the furniture to help my ex start again for him to give it to his new 'partners' daughter, when I paid to replace all the stuff he took with him. I was so annoyed at the time. Now I look at what I chose for ME and I love it.
I have since had massive clear outs in the house and loft. It is true that when you feel better ABOUT YOURSELF you can move on to living your life.  Then sorting out the clutter follows both mentally and all the material things we thought were important.
Never feel bad about the past. You cannot change anything but you can shape today and tomorrow.
p00 xx

candygirl

Hi everyone , what a fantastic thread this is !,😁
I'm in the process of recovering from a family estrangement ; also a violent split up 8 years ago , as well as a few health issues,  that still need investigating , but have been delayed due to covid
In 2019 I took the plunge, and went for a month,  on my own to Goa .It was absolutely brilliant.I met some fantastic people,  who I'm still in touch with, and it gave me a kind of full stop , to my old life,  where I put everyone first.
It's hard realising that I've only myself, and Mum, to think of now, but also kind of freeing, after years and years of emotional turmoil.
I am a hoarder, and am gradually trying to get rid of stuff , but working on my mental and physical health, is my priority right now.
You Ladies have shared, some fantastic , and inspirational stories , and I hope we can all help each other navigate through the tricky times in our lives xx