Man-child?

MalMonroe

KarenB021 said:

Hello everyone. I am struggling how to support my sister. The covid issues/lockdowns etc al are taking their toll on her regarding her husband. Their marriage has always been flat in the last few years  but they truck along doing their own thing and hobbies. My sister is finding it hard to be with him 24/7 as she describes him being akin to a child that needs to be amused - he's 58. The weather plays a factor and he sulks.

 He does support her with all everyday tasks including ironing, cooking etc but he apparently has never participated in taking any strain of helping sort out household finances - he leaves everything to my sister be it whatever needs paying, researching, switching energy, checking bank/credit card statements, you name it - he just will not join in. They are not well off and benefits may be needed down the line, which no doubt she would have to initiate. She gets wound up by his disinterest because he manages perfectly well to financially sort out his car and motorbike tax/insurance, golf holidays, buying parts for his bike and endless other things provided they are personal to him. She feels he has always been far too reliant on the women in his life, be it his mother, girlfriends and now her as they have all looked after him.

She has repeatedly asked him to show an interest but he comes out with the usual "you are better at those things than me" and dismissive. The financial implications of covid are badly affecting my sister  and she feels alone and unsupported. She says he is a selfish git leaving her to worry whilst he sits on his phone watching motorbike trials etc. This makes her cross too as he wanted sky, Netflix, amazon but he doesn't actually watch anything as his phone is always being looked at too.  She is so cross she's thinking of cancelling all the subscriptions to save money as he would react if that happened.  You couldn't describe him as a lazy person nor does he abuse my sister or money. She describes it as he just isn't interested in real life issues, prefering to priorotise and concentrate on his personal life/hobbies. Is she being unreasonable? I think she is affected by creeping depression over the whole situation not just her husband.

I am just stunned to now learn of this and I think by writing this it's venting on her behalf and asking if this is a unique situation?

I was similarly worried about my brother, as his wife seemed to have no comprehension about commensense things and life in general. Then she was taken suddenly and very seriously ill and collapsed a couple of months ago. As she was recovering in hospital, the medical staff felt that her mental abilities were not all they could or maybe should be and that she had difficulty understanding many things. She also acted in a very childlike manner. She was given various tests and it turns out she does have limited mental capacity and can't help her behaviour. She's not always been like that but nobody knows when it started and she is in her early 60s. They have no children.

Your brother-in-law could very well be suffering in a similar way. Sadly, mental health issues are not visible. But they are noticeable, although not many people recognise them. I always thought my sister in law was awkward and her moods are still very changeable (Jekyll and Hyde) but turns out that she really has limited ability and understanding. Your brother in law's behaviour sounds very like my sister in law's both before and after her collapse.

Has your sister tried to speak with him? Maybe it's time for them to see a doctor together. Although in my sister in law's case she always insisted that nothing was wrong and she didn't need or want help. She's the same now but it's obvious that she does need help - and so does my brother. 

It does sound like they (or at least your sister) need to speak to someone though as neither of them is happy. I sometimes think my brother would love to leave but feels such a deep seated responsibility that he's unable to. Especially now, after his wife has been so very ill - she almost died. The frustrating thing for me is that I am totally powerless to do anything. Except support my brother. He knows I'm always there for him and that's all I can do at the moment. In fact, that's all he wants at the moment.

To answer your last question, no, I don't think it's a unique situation at all but there's nothing you can do about it, unless of course he's abusing your sister.

burlingtonfl6

princeofpounds said:

ToxicWomble said:

Didn’t Sweden do something with trying to equalise genders in all professions - If I recall it actually had entirely the opposite effect.

For anyone who actually cares to look at the data, the evidence shows that the differences between men and women's economic life choices actually become greater as countries get richer and more equal opportunity. 

 https://science.sciencemag.org/content/362/6412/eaas9899

Feminists don't like this report so often ignore it.

[Deleted User]

burlingtonfl6 said:

princeofpounds said:

ToxicWomble said:

Didn’t Sweden do something with trying to equalise genders in all professions - If I recall it actually had entirely the opposite effect.

For anyone who actually cares to look at the data, the evidence shows that the differences between men and women's economic life choices actually become greater as countries get richer and more equal opportunity. 

 https://science.sciencemag.org/content/362/6412/eaas9899

Feminists don't like this report so often ignore it.

Spot on. Feminists are dead against equal opportunities. 

CookieMonster

Savvy_Sue said:

As Molesworth might have said, any fule kno that any fule can put the bins out. However that's DH's job in our house. 

However, I defy anyone to say that I wouldn't have made a better job of putting sealant around the plywood patch that's stopping the back door leaking. 

FYI, that's not plywood, it's OSB.
And that is fixed - perfectly - in the eyes of a man. :~) #mantasks

Savvy_Sue

CookieMonster said:

Savvy_Sue said:

As Molesworth might have said, any fule kno that any fule can put the bins out. However that's DH's job in our house. 

However, I defy anyone to say that I wouldn't have made a better job of putting sealant around the plywood patch that's stopping the back door leaking. 

FYI, that's not plywood, it's OSB.
And that is fixed - perfectly - in the eyes of a man. :~) #mantasks

Whatever it is, it's beautifully varnished or something, several coats applied to both sides over several days. And it was screwed to the door very precisely, with my help. 

Only then he couldn't find any 'live' sealant at home (I found a new pack after he'd created that masterpiece, although I realise that might have been dead too). He was going to Asda to pick up a prescription. They didn't have sealant so he bought expanding filler. Despite the fact that he was about to walk past B&Q to get to Morrisons, where I was shopping. So two other chances to buy the right thing. 

And then he got out the gloves which came with it, put them on the table and started using it without any. Just started squirting it on the door without trying it somewhere it wouldn't matter to see what would happen. The pack says it can't be removed other than by mechanical means - in other words, to get it off your fingers you have to basically scrape it off: I'm not sure it's all off yet.

I have now trimmed the bit by the handle with a kitchen knife because I was struggling to lock / unlock the door and use the handle. He showed me how I 'ought' to have been doing it. 

But he assures me the door won't leak any more. So as you say, fixed, perfectly. 

Savvy_Sue

I realise this was quietly dying a natural death but I thought I should return to explain that the alien door is All My Fault. 

Apparently I told him NOT to go to B&Q, but to get whatever he could in Asda.

I believe I suggested that IF he could get what he needed in Asda, he wouldn't need to go to B&Q, but that's not what he heard. 

Ho hum...

Tabby_cat

@Savvy_Sue I feel your pain. Your picture made me laugh as my DH follows the same school of DIY thought.

We had a wooden post in the corner of our porch which was a bit rotten and had a reasonable sized hole. DH bought that expanding foam stuff, read the instructions and then decided he knew better. He was suppose to half fill the hole and then spray with water and it would expand to fill the rest of the hole. Instead, he fully filled the hole with the foam and was most surprised when he sprayed it, that it all came out the front. It just kept growing and growing forming a similar mess to yours but all in one place. I referred to it as his "modern art period" because that's what it looked like. 

positiveevibes

Personally I do not see a big deal in the situation. We are all different people and especially in the relationship I think it is actually very helpful if everyone has their things to deal with. I am sure her husband is also doing some little jobs more than she does, if she tries to see them, she would. I presume that when we are in long relationship with time we kind of start picking on things like that as we feel like we do more than the other or we just want to make sure they also can do it all. He is dealing with the car etc and I believe your sister is also getting in that car so I don't see anything bad that he doesn't deal with the other bills. In general women like to be the organised one and to keep things like that under control (of course there are cases when men do that). Staying at home has been hard for so many individuals and therefore for their relationship. Life is not that long, so everyone should just enjoy their time together and try to see the good in the other.