Man-child?

theoretica

Having one partner handle the finances seems fine.  Having one partner not take notice when the other is stressed seems the real problem here - not the cause of the worry.

elsien

The “he does support her with the ironing” comment does grate slightly because it implies that it’s her job and he’s helping her out, whereas the reality is that all jobs (housework/finances/gardening/life admin) are the equally the responsibility of both. How each couple decides the split is down to them but I can understand the resentment if one partner is doing all the thinking and planning for the both of them in the majority of areas while the other fannies around on  their phone and own interests. 

MrsPorridge

My DH isn't good with figures etc.,  I do all our household finances.  I am happier doing it and he is happy for me to do it.  He does all the manual stuff, car maintenence, putting shelves up, hanging pictures, fixing things around the house.  We share cooking, shopping and cleaning.  It works for us and has always been the case now for 28 years.  Has the split of chores/finances in your sister's marriage always been the same?  I am guessing that it is, and wonder why it is now proving an issue for her?

helensbiggestfan

Who knows what really goes on in any relationship. It's not really anyone else's business as long as the two principals are happy with the arrangement, no matter how strange it might seem to an outsider.  

I have been married twice. My first husband was very "worthy", very serious, a real grown up but oh dear I was bored out of my skull. He handled everything, made all the decisions.  I think he thought I was an incompetent airhead. Apparently I couldn't even cook properly, and apparently I didn't keep house right either.  Not as good as his mother. 😂😁.  He didn't last long.....lol. 

My second husband was the complete opposite. Much more fun and more to the point he respected my abilities and actually encouraged me to use my brain, make decisions and spread my wings. He soon more or less abdicated all domestic responsibilities and let me more or less run the show whilst he concentrated first on his career and then on building a business. He didn't have the time nor it has to be said the temprement for the minutiae of domestic life. 

Sadly he's deceased now but we had 34 wonderful years together.  

Now some people might have seen me as little more than a household drudge and a boring stay at home mum but I can assure you nothing could be further from the truth.  Some might have seen him as lazy and/or f e c k l e s s but again that was far removed from the truth. He took his role as husband and father very seriously.  And I have to say I loved running the show. I could make a decision and know it would be fine with him. Tbh honest having to discuss everything ad nauseum  the way some couples do would have driven me nuts. 😉.  

I think too many couples try to keep a tally of everything ......if I do this then they should do that etc. - keeping a scoreboard of everything they do or contribute to the relationship.  A good relationship shouldnt really need everything to be split 50/50 to be a success. Life should be more than an accounts ledger, keeping score and monitoring who does what.  

I think that in any relationship you each bring different talents, skills and abilities to the table and that each is as valid as the other.  I can't see the point in trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, it only causes misery and resentment, so if one of the principals has no head for finance it seems pointless in trying to force the issue.  

Morrigan_2020

helensbiggestfan, it sounds like you had a very happy marriage with your second husband, but I am curious if the fact that you hadn't worked affected you after the children were grown or after your husband passed on?

sassyblue

Our finances are my responsibility in our marriage but I like accounts so it doesn’t bother me, however, I don’t think the things you mentioned take long to do anyway, insurances and energy research, while tedious, is only once a year anyway. Get all bills on direct debit and that will save loads of time, plus you can pay monthly to spread the cost.

To how much depth do you need to check bank statements, a cursory glance through them should suffice?  You say they are not well off but they have Amazon, Netflix, sky, a motorbike, golf holidays, etc. 

helensbiggestfan

Morrigan_2020 said:

helensbiggestfan, it sounds like you had a very happy marriage with your second husband, but I am curious if the fact that you hadn't worked affected you after the children were grown or after your husband passed on?

Good question.

Actually I did work - very hard but perhaps not in the way that society now judges work.  If your work isn’t paid work then somehow it doesn’t seem to count.  

Over the years I have renovated several houses, both before and during my second marriage.  I have always preferred rolling up my sleeves and getting stuck into DIY, interior design and Furniture restoration rather than any office job I’ve ever done.  And I’ve saved us a fortune over the years, as well as adding value to our properties and making a good profit when we sold. In that way I probably earned far more than I could have earned Working outside the home, especially after taking child care costs into account.  

 I suppose you might call me a serial entrepreneur. As well as House renovations  and furniture restoration I usually had a small business of one kind or another on the go.  I never made a fortune but I made enough. 

When my husbands business took off I also took over the finance and admin side of things freeing up time for him. 

Once the children left home to go university I worked on site as a new build sales negotiator for a while. I really enjoyed that, did well and earned seriously good money but, more importantly, that experience opened up further doors, leading me to set up my own company selling overseas property.  Huge fun and probably the highlight of my working life. 

Then, When I was 55 my husband got sick so I gave it all up without a backward glance and became his carer for 9 years until his death.  

In many ways I am a classic “Late Bloomer”, only really hitting my stride in my 40s. 

I think because I didnt follow a traditional career path from the get go to an outsider it looked as if I was just loafing around, being “Just a housewife”. But the outsiders  didn’t see the true picture.  

In my own way I contributed far more to the marriage than a wage packet but society only seems to value monetary contributions, because that is how “success” is measured. 

I am now officially retired.  I’ve just finished renovating my current house and at the tender young age of 69 I am just about to launch another sideline business which I will of course work round my granny duties. 😂  

My next adventure awaits.  

helensbiggestfan

Karen.  Sorry didn’t mean to hijack the thread with such a long answer but I think my story does highlight that sometimes what the outsider sees is not actually a true reflection of what is going on in someone elses relationship.   You are only hearing one side of the story and what you have been able to observe. 

I am not criticising you or accusing you of trying to meddle.  

In fact I think it’s wrong of your sister to offload on you.  It should be a private matter and one which they need to sort out for themselves, not involve a third party.  

Grown ups take ownership of problems and resolve issues without expecting outsiders to take sides.  Or, if they need help, then they should seek professional guidance or counselling.  

It’s not your job to save their marriage, it’s their responsibility.  Of course you are concerned but unfortunately it's not something you can really help with.  

onomatopoeia99

KarenB021 said:

 but he apparently has never participated in taking any strain of helping sort out household finances - he leaves everything to my sister be it whatever needs paying, researching, switching energy, checking bank/credit card statements, you name it - he just will not join in.

That stuff takes me about 10 minutes a month, and as a single person that lives alone there's no-one else to do it for me so I have quite a good understanding of the amount of time I spend.  

Set up all the utilities, credit card and anything else that needs to be paid monthly on direct debit so they are paid automatically and no time needs to be taken over them, they just happen.  Don't understand why anyone would do it on a "wait for a monthly bill then have to take steps to pay" basis, as that's just making unnecessary work. 

Apintplease

My husband doesn't have an ounce of financial sense about him, if hes got money its for spending, if he hasn't got any he goes and earns it.

I let him at it. The house is paid, the bills are manageable, we dont wait on final demands for example

He leaves me to do the cooking, washing, ironing and a share of the housework - he cleaned the kitchen top to bottom yesterday but never touches the bathroom  

He does all the garden, car and house maintenance

He works 3 days a week - I work 5

He always moans theres sod all on the tv so I subscribe to Netflix and Prime, and he sits glued to his iPad finding his latest buy

I could sit here and moan that on my days off paid employment that Im then spending the days doing household chores where as when hes home alone hes "playing in the garage" on his hobbies but then how can I when he does do so much around the house when needed?

He has his strengths and weaknesses as I have mine

I think your sister has much deeper problems within her marriage rather then just a husband who doesn't take on the financial duties required