Man-child?

KarenB021

Hello everyone. I am struggling how to support my sister. The covid issues/lockdowns etc al are taking their toll on her regarding her husband. Their marriage has always been flat in the last few years  but they truck along doing their own thing and hobbies. My sister is finding it hard to be with him 24/7 as she describes him being akin to a child that needs to be amused - he's 58. The weather plays a factor and he sulks.

 He does support her with all everyday tasks including ironing, cooking etc but he apparently has never participated in taking any strain of helping sort out household finances - he leaves everything to my sister be it whatever needs paying, researching, switching energy, checking bank/credit card statements, you name it - he just will not join in. They are not well off and benefits may be needed down the line, which no doubt she would have to initiate. She gets wound up by his disinterest because he manages perfectly well to financially sort out his car and motorbike tax/insurance, golf holidays, buying parts for his bike and endless other things provided they are personal to him. She feels he has always been far too reliant on the women in his life, be it his mother, girlfriends and now her as they have all looked after him.

She has repeatedly asked him to show an interest but he comes out with the usual "you are better at those things than me" and dismissive. The financial implications of covid are badly affecting my sister  and she feels alone and unsupported. She says he is a selfish git leaving her to worry whilst he sits on his phone watching motorbike trials etc. This makes her cross too as he wanted sky, Netflix, amazon but he doesn't actually watch anything as his phone is always being looked at too.  She is so cross she's thinking of cancelling all the subscriptions to save money as he would react if that happened.  You couldn't describe him as a lazy person nor does he abuse my sister or money. She describes it as he just isn't interested in real life issues, prefering to priorotise and concentrate on his personal life/hobbies. Is she being unreasonable? I think she is affected by creeping depression over the whole situation not just her husband.

I am just stunned to now learn of this and I think by writing this it's venting on her behalf and asking if this is a unique situation?

Teapot55

Last year I did all the work involved in setting up a joint account for our household. It’s very important in my opinion and experience for each person to have their own account, but also useful to have a joint account for the household essentials like electricity, council tax etc, especially as you get older so that when one of you inevitably dies the other is not left with having to change all the bills and cards over to a different account. 

The other important thing is that ‘frills’ like Netflix subscriptions,  hairdresser, club membership fees, and any other things that are ‘nice to have’ but not a necessity come out of one person’s account. Then, if or when hard times happen these can be cut down on to suit the reduced income. 

Having an account that is only for essentials and, possibly, stuff you’ve discussed and agreed on makes it  easier to track your past spending and plan your future spending. 

ToxicWomble

Well my wife takes no interest or part in our household finances and leaves everything financial to me.
She also suffers badly in the Winter with the long dark nights.
Does that make her a Woman-Child ?

These issues rarely appear overnight.

Personally I think the issue lies with you sister and/or the marriage.

Throwing silly names like man-child at him when you already say he isn’t lazy, pulls his weight and sounds like the majority of men AND women in relationships  is 100% guaranteed to massively inflame the problem

AskAsk

my husband does the cooking but nothing else around the house.  really lazy person.  although he does look after the dog and i don't do any of that.

oddly enough i quite like managing the finances and he doesn't like me doing this but over time i have persuaded him to leave everything to me to deal with.

burlingtonfl6

If they're not well off and benefits are soon to be needed it might be best if he cut down on the car, motorbike and golf holidays anyway.

princeofpounds

It's not uncommon for married partners to 'specialise' in some of the household tasks. Financial management is often one of those areas, as some people really don't like it and do trust their partner to do a better job. There isn't really anything wrong with this, as long as the overall burden of 'work' is roughly even in the wider context of the marriage, and everyone is happy enough with their role. It doesn't sound like this guy is totally unreasonable in his overall behaviour - it seems OTT to characterise him as a man-child even if he may be childish in this one respect - so my suspicion is that one of two things is going on here.

Your sister is either a) feeling the stress of this particular responsibility and so it's become a point of resentment out of proportion to its real scale or b) something is more generally wrong in the relationship and this is just the tip of a larger emotional iceberg. To me, it sounds a bit of a mix.

The former may be more easy to address - she needs to figure out what she wants to improve the situation, and have a very serious discussion about it without distractions, so they can make some joint decisions. Unless it's in his face, he will just allow things to coast along assuming she will take care of it. If she thinks they need to reduce expenses, she needs to at least explain why and roughly how much. Then ask for his input on where the savings can be found, as they are bigger than she can make decisions on unilaterally. If he can't figure it out or won't make decisions, then she can say that she will cancel some of his subscriptions or whatever. But she shouldn't get angry with him from minute one - give him a real chance to engage and make decisions first. 

As for the more general relationship malaise... who knows. Hopefully this is part of what's at the bottom of it, and it gets better when the issue is addressed. 

Morrigan_2020

If nothing else, the husband needs to have a good enough grasp on the household finances to be able to take over if the wife became ill or incapacitated in some way. 

Marvel1

KarenB021 said:
 He does support her with all everyday tasks including ironing, cooking etc. 

She feels he has always been far too reliant on the women in his life, be it his mother, girlfriends and now her as they have all looked after him. 

He wouldn't do these things if he did.

You are too biased as its your sister, stay out of it.

libra10

As several posters have already stated, in most households various tasks are performed by one or the other.  It sounds like the poster's relation does his fair share.
In our home, I deal with financial matters, but my husband is very good with other tasks.
At this time of the year, with holidays, bad weather, and especially Covid restrictions, lots of us are getting a touch of 'cabin fever'.  Being stuck in the house!
They need to discuss this and hopefully reach a compromise.

74jax

I think this is totally fine. I'd never considered myself a woman-child, my husband does the majority of our joint finances, I'm not interested at all.
Could it be she's just moaning to you as a sounding board. She's your sister so I'd just listen and nod, if it's a cover for something else then let her know you are there for her. 

Grumpy_chap

Is it possible that he is not confident with numeracy and / or literacy so genuinely struggles with managing I finances and therefore trusts your sister to take care of it?