Our forever home

FtbDreaming

Oh dear how old is DD? I do feel for you. My eldest is 12 and she’s had 3 or 4 panic attacks since starting year 7. Have you told her she can’t see her friend anymore then? How did that go down? 

I probably wouldn’t waste your money on a tutor yet until the other issues are resolved. How does she feel about moving class or school? 

It’s petrifying parenting kids nowadays. They have so so many more bad influences than when we were younger. And mental illness and self harm etc appear to be promoted on social media too xxx

bellevie

Same year ftb.

It appears to be a lot more toxic and one sided than I thought, really quite controlling.

I downloaded all that chats since it started. Normal tween talk until the last 6 weeks when the friend regularly says she's committing suicide leaving dd begging for hours not to do anything silly, at one point saying 'too late.'

Then there's messages saying 'help' with nothing else leaving dd again panicking somethings gone wrong.

Then bombarded with messages asking dd to email the teacher on her behalf when dd hesitates she repeated basis, accuses her of being a bad friend then ignores her. She pesters her to wait after school or join her in teacher meetings, dd knowing that I'm clock watching for her arrival. 

The pressure dd must have felt with me growing increasingly impatient.

The anxiety reported to me which triggered request for counselling started the week the first suicide threat was made.

I'm bloody livid, at myself for not doing weekly checks on her phone and stepping in sooner. 
So angry dd has carried this weight by herself for weeks this is too much for anyone let alone a 12 year old.

I had a heart to heart with dd explained I could see by what I've read caused her not to be herself, I am not cross with her but cross at myself, and I do need her to stay away from this girl. I explained the girl may also need help, but she is her mothers responsibility not hers.

This lead to a 2 hour outpouring from dd of all the things that have been said the past 6 weeks, how low and frustrated she felt not knowing what to do. She seemed to be relieved not to be holding it in.

I've sent some messages to the school and asked them to book this meeting ASAP. In the meantime I'll be dropping dd to and from school and needless to say there is no chance of out of school meet up. 

caeler

I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through. Well done for getting her talking, that will help so much.  She’s had so much to deal with, trying to support her friend, so much weight on her shoulders.  I think you’ve done the right thing but she will need something to fill the gap. School can be a lonely place as can free time if you’d filled it up exchanging messages constantly with your “best friend”. Stay strong and try not to be too hard on yourself. 

bellevie

Yes I'm conscious of that caeler. I've booked a trial for Saturday stage coach classes, 3 hours. Nothing for midweek yet but to be honest I need to get a plan in place to bring her up to date in classes. I've decided for now, she will have her phone to message others for a brief period after school, she has her xbox and this weekend spent some time on Minecraft with her cousins. I will encourage meet ups with friends I know at home/garden for now.

I really couldn't call this girl a friend, the controlling tone of messages, put downs and just generally being pretty nasty when dd was of no use. I felt a tightness in my chest reading somethings, and the reported telephone conversation and school threats it really isn't far off coercion,  I just can't believe it all came out of a 12 year old 😔

Its going to be a long road to shake the effects of the past few weeks.

FtbDreaming

Sorry I didn’t really have much constructive to say. I just hope that you’ve nibbed it in the bud soon enough for her to recover from it. It sounds like she’s probably relieved to have it out in the open and she’s had an honest conversation with you which takes a lot at their age.

 It definitely does sound like controlling coercive behaviour and seems to be quite a thing among kids nowdays. My best friends daughter is a year older and they went through similar last year. I don’t know if it stems from what the kids are seeing at home or from social media but your daughter is lucky to have a good supportive family on her side that she can speak to and can teach her the difference between right and wrong. 

Big hugs 🤗 I hope you get somewhere with school this week xx

bellevie

Thank you, we have a meeting today.
There's absolutely a clear focus on separating them, I'm just not sure if it'll be dd moving or the other.

I'm in two minds, I feel dd has suffered enough, she already has friends in existing class, forcing her to start again would really knock her confidence.  That said they head of year had in mind a quieter class which appears to be less troublesome than other classes, I wondered if she may benefit from the move long term.

Something to get the opinion on from the school I guess.

In other news our littlest dog hurt his back yesterday, my fil who is staying with us said he fell from sofa awkwardly and was yelping in pain. I took him to vets, he's on 2 weeks bed rest orders with pain relief and some thing to make him more tired. 

They say things come in 3s right? That should be our lot, not sure i can handle anymore right now.

MuffinTops

Hello bellevie,
Sorry to hear you're going through so much at the moment.  Your poor daughter too.  What a horrendous time she's been having.  I'm so glad she has you to help her through and support her.
I hope your dog is ok soon.  Poor thing.  It's good he just needs pain relief and didn't do any serious damage.

Take care of you.  You're going through so much.

bellevie

Thank you MT, I'm conscious I need to do things to calm myself down i wake feeling anxious and the feeling pretty much stays with me all day.
.I've started to take the bachs rescue remedy hopefully it'll kick in soon x

bellevie

Meeting went well, all involved were lovely.
Safeguarding recommended dd isn't moved as it'll impact her confidence further especially as she hasn't done anything wrong.

However he is also unsure if the friend should be moved as they may end up being pulled back together to be defiant.
So its strict measures at home, phone checked thoroughly daily. At school they will monitor dds work and mood, she changed rapidly when the chaos started and her lovely teacher spotted the signs so quickly, I'm confident she will remain on the ball.

Dd is a little nervous, as to how the girl will be when her mum is called in. I've assured dd I am the one who reported this, and she has done nothing wrong and the girl will be appropriately punished if  she does react towards dd.

Fingers crossed for a smoother road ahead 

FtbDreaming

it’s a complicated situation but hopefully with the right support in place and the plenty of adults keeping an eye out it’ll blow over. I hope it’s made you feel a little bit more at peace xxx