Paying too much rent to Boyfriend?

olgadapolga

d378378 said:

yksi said:

I think the problem is that the goalposts have been moved.

At the time d378378 agreed to move in, he had his original plan of lodgers and he figured: hey, d378378 could move in with me. We'd see more of each other, I really like d378378, and let's keep it sort of fair, since it's my house, in return she can do the chores and cover the utility bills. That's actually a fair deal as it stands. Peachy, right?

Then he realised hey, I don't really want lodgers in my house and ownership is expensive. He looked about for ways to deal with this and probably moaned about it to his mother. The mother then decided that since two people live in the house, two people should pay for the expenses jointly. But that only works when you're in a committed partnership and the home is your JOINT home.

He failed to see why it's not appropriate for d378378 to share the costs of ownership when it isn't her hunk of real estate. He totally overstepped boundaries by discussing the relationship itself with his mother and nobody has told him it's inappropriate. He probably thinks he was only discussing his home and household bills, but it's more sensitive than that and he needs to know that he should have told his mum that d378378's contribution to the home is not for discussion.

This is why d378378 must (MUST) make it crystal clear that she will neither share the burden of the ownership nor tolerate their relationship being openly discussed with the mother. She needs to either move home to her parents' place or tell him to get a lodger in - at which point she can contribute 1/3 of the utilities, half their food costs and perhaps give him half the cost of a bedroom (£200-odd) as a contribution. And he could spend it on a cleaner!

This is pretty much the situation.

I packed my car and sat him down and had a serious chat. He was stubborn I should be paying more that the bills to use the house & furniture he bought. He still seems to be thinking of things in the long run saying I could think of everything as “ours” (but not have anything to my name). Upset at the thought of me leaving we agreed I would give him £250 a month, more importantly we agreed the chores nonsense would come to an end and household work and groceries would be split evenly.

we’ll see how long it lasts.

I think that you're making a mistake but you're an adult and that's your choice to make. 

I don't think his attitude towards how he sees you is going to change, especially with "mummy" in the background, muttering away.

I wish you well, though. Hope it works out, if that's what you want.

sallysaver

Of course, any decision you make, come to or agree upon, is up to you and only you.  You know the score but interestingly, there doesn't appear to be any talk of  renting out the remaining 4 bedrooms which you mentioned was part of his intentions in your opening post and certainly would help with finances. Did his mother actually choose the property, it's just a 5 bed house for what would be a single person at that time seems a tad irresponsible to me.  Of course, renting rooms out can be a very viable proposition but, on the other hand can also be very problematic. For instance,  sharing bathrooms and kitchens for starters.  I'm in the camp of I wish you had gone to your parents, perhaps it would have given him the short sharp shock he needed and it could have been on a temporary basis.  He knows you are a softie and has, in his own way, taken advantage of you again.  I can only wish you well.

Mojisola

d378378 said:

Upset at the thought of me leaving we agreed I would give him £250 a month, more importantly we agreed the chores nonsense would come to an end and household work and groceries would be split evenly.

we’ll see how long it lasts.

Until he tells his mother about the new arrangement.

74jax

d378378 said:

yksi said:

I think the problem is that the goalposts have been moved.

At the time d378378 agreed to move in, he had his original plan of lodgers and he figured: hey, d378378 could move in with me. We'd see more of each other, I really like d378378, and let's keep it sort of fair, since it's my house, in return she can do the chores and cover the utility bills. That's actually a fair deal as it stands. Peachy, right?

Then he realised hey, I don't really want lodgers in my house and ownership is expensive. He looked about for ways to deal with this and probably moaned about it to his mother. The mother then decided that since two people live in the house, two people should pay for the expenses jointly. But that only works when you're in a committed partnership and the home is your JOINT home.

He failed to see why it's not appropriate for d378378 to share the costs of ownership when it isn't her hunk of real estate. He totally overstepped boundaries by discussing the relationship itself with his mother and nobody has told him it's inappropriate. He probably thinks he was only discussing his home and household bills, but it's more sensitive than that and he needs to know that he should have told his mum that d378378's contribution to the home is not for discussion.

This is why d378378 must (MUST) make it crystal clear that she will neither share the burden of the ownership nor tolerate their relationship being openly discussed with the mother. She needs to either move home to her parents' place or tell him to get a lodger in - at which point she can contribute 1/3 of the utilities, half their food costs and perhaps give him half the cost of a bedroom (£200-odd) as a contribution. And he could spend it on a cleaner!

This is pretty much the situation.

I packed my car and sat him down and had a serious chat. He was stubborn I should be paying more that the bills to use the house & furniture he bought. He still seems to be thinking of things in the long run saying I could think of everything as “ours” (but not have anything to my name). Upset at the thought of me leaving we agreed I would give him £250 a month, more importantly we agreed the chores nonsense would come to an end and household work and groceries would be split evenly.

we’ll see how long it lasts.

To use the house?  Is he for real? He actually said use the house and furniture.

You had your car packed, I don't understand how you are now back living there, sorry I mean using the house..... 

The guy seriously must have something going for him you haven't listed here, I can only imagine he begged and pleaded and said how he'd change and how youre his world etc and you bought it, because from what you've said I'd have been in the car driving away. 

See how long it lasts? Forever. This is it forever. Why should he change, you are still there. 

AskAsk

74jax said:

d378378 said:

yksi said:

I think the problem is that the goalposts have been moved.

At the time d378378 agreed to move in, he had his original plan of lodgers and he figured: hey, d378378 could move in with me. We'd see more of each other, I really like d378378, and let's keep it sort of fair, since it's my house, in return she can do the chores and cover the utility bills. That's actually a fair deal as it stands. Peachy, right?

Then he realised hey, I don't really want lodgers in my house and ownership is expensive. He looked about for ways to deal with this and probably moaned about it to his mother. The mother then decided that since two people live in the house, two people should pay for the expenses jointly. But that only works when you're in a committed partnership and the home is your JOINT home.

He failed to see why it's not appropriate for d378378 to share the costs of ownership when it isn't her hunk of real estate. He totally overstepped boundaries by discussing the relationship itself with his mother and nobody has told him it's inappropriate. He probably thinks he was only discussing his home and household bills, but it's more sensitive than that and he needs to know that he should have told his mum that d378378's contribution to the home is not for discussion.

This is why d378378 must (MUST) make it crystal clear that she will neither share the burden of the ownership nor tolerate their relationship being openly discussed with the mother. She needs to either move home to her parents' place or tell him to get a lodger in - at which point she can contribute 1/3 of the utilities, half their food costs and perhaps give him half the cost of a bedroom (£200-odd) as a contribution. And he could spend it on a cleaner!

This is pretty much the situation.

I packed my car and sat him down and had a serious chat. He was stubborn I should be paying more that the bills to use the house & furniture he bought. He still seems to be thinking of things in the long run saying I could think of everything as “ours” (but not have anything to my name). Upset at the thought of me leaving we agreed I would give him £250 a month, more importantly we agreed the chores nonsense would come to an end and household work and groceries would be split evenly.

we’ll see how long it lasts.

To use the house?  Is he for real? He actually said use the house and furniture.

You had your car packed, I don't understand how you are now back living there, sorry I mean using the house..... 

The guy seriously must have something going for him you haven't listed here, I can only imagine he begged and pleaded and said how he'd change and how youre his world etc and you bought it, because from what you've said I'd have been in the car driving away. 

See how long it lasts? Forever. This is it forever. Why should he change, you are still there. 

all we see is this money problem, we don't know what else goes on in the relationship, so it is not always easy to judge.  it could be that their relationship is just like that and there are other factors at play.  however, if we were to simply judge from the OP's post then the relationship is not the right one to be in.

i and my husband are forever having disagreements about who should buy what, but i am as guilty as he is, and i always end up the winner, so i can't exactly complain lol.  but that is just the way we both are and we just accept that is the way we are and we sort it out between us.  we won't be going down the divorce courts because one of us refuse to pay our fair share for the sofa 

yksi

I see why people think it's going to go pear-shaped, but I'm not convinced the relationship is doomed. He is behaving as if he's shelling out all the money for their home. Of course he's annoyed at her enjoying the nice house and his furniture without contributing half to its upkeep. The only thing missing is her name on the deeds, and he might be genuinely clueless just how much that makes the difference. Don't get me wrong, it is a HUGE HUGE deal, but he probably isn't thinking ahead to the day they go their separate ways. d378378 is, and realises she will walk away without a penny of that home. He's just never thought about that because it's a non-event for him. Maybe it's a woman thing, we sort of learn that we have to look out for ourselves? This reeks of cluelessness to me, not maliciousness.

The telling point will be whether he takes her feelings on board and keeps his mother out of their private financial affairs. d378378 has made it very clear that she was prepared to leave, and he would be stupid not to believe that he needs to shape up or she'll be out.

And I do hope that he gets a lodger or three.

Gycraig

How much would a house share be in that area ? I wouldn’t pay 300 quid plus half bills plus all food personally, move back in with your parents for free and save save save. 

Can’t imagine asking a girlfriend to pay MY mortgage which is gonna be MY equity 

AskAsk

yksi said:

I see why people think it's going to go pear-shaped, but I'm not convinced the relationship is doomed. He is behaving as if he's shelling out all the money for their home. Of course he's annoyed at her enjoying the nice house and his furniture without contributing half to its upkeep. The only thing missing is her name on the deeds, and he might be genuinely clueless just how much that makes the difference. Don't get me wrong, it is a HUGE HUGE deal, but he probably isn't thinking ahead to the day they go their separate ways. d378378 is, and realises she will walk away without a penny of that home. He's just never thought about that because it's a non-event for him. Maybe it's a woman thing, we sort of learn that we have to look out for ourselves? This reeks of cluelessness to me, not maliciousness.

The telling point will be whether he takes her feelings on board and keeps his mother out of their private financial affairs. d378378 has made it very clear that she was prepared to leave, and he would be stupid not to believe that he needs to shape up or she'll be out.

And I do hope that he gets a lodger or three.

if his mother gave him all the money and will continue to do so, then she aint go any where soon.

Marvel1

d378378 said:

yksi said:

I think the problem is that the goalposts have been moved.

At the time d378378 agreed to move in, he had his original plan of lodgers and he figured: hey, d378378 could move in with me. We'd see more of each other, I really like d378378, and let's keep it sort of fair, since it's my house, in return she can do the chores and cover the utility bills. That's actually a fair deal as it stands. Peachy, right?

Then he realised hey, I don't really want lodgers in my house and ownership is expensive. He looked about for ways to deal with this and probably moaned about it to his mother. The mother then decided that since two people live in the house, two people should pay for the expenses jointly. But that only works when you're in a committed partnership and the home is your JOINT home.

He failed to see why it's not appropriate for d378378 to share the costs of ownership when it isn't her hunk of real estate. He totally overstepped boundaries by discussing the relationship itself with his mother and nobody has told him it's inappropriate. He probably thinks he was only discussing his home and household bills, but it's more sensitive than that and he needs to know that he should have told his mum that d378378's contribution to the home is not for discussion.

This is why d378378 must (MUST) make it crystal clear that she will neither share the burden of the ownership nor tolerate their relationship being openly discussed with the mother. She needs to either move home to her parents' place or tell him to get a lodger in - at which point she can contribute 1/3 of the utilities, half their food costs and perhaps give him half the cost of a bedroom (£200-odd) as a contribution. And he could spend it on a cleaner!

This is pretty much the situation.

I packed my car and sat him down and had a serious chat. He was stubborn I should be paying more that the bills to use the house & furniture he bought. He still seems to be thinking of things in the long run saying I could think of everything as “ours” (but not have anything to my name). Upset at the thought of me leaving we agreed I would give him £250 a month, more importantly we agreed the chores nonsense would come to an end and household work and groceries would be split evenly.

we’ll see how long it lasts.

Blunt time: Do you have "mug" written on your forehead? Read your opening post - read as if not written by you and what advice you would give,

For me, it reads the start of abuse.