Money Moral Dilemma: Should I stop putting my brother's name on gifts we buy?

MSE_Sarah

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My brother earns more than me, yet never pays his share for birthday gifts for our family, which I usually choose, send and contribute to, along with others from our family. He'd probably forget to send anything if I left him to his own devices. Should I stop putting his name on them? 

Unfortunately the MSE team can't always answer money moral dilemma questions as contributions are often emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. 

😲 If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply.

🙄 Got a Money Moral Dilemma of your own? Suggest an MMD.

Torry_Quine

What does he say when you've asked him for his share of the cost? I'd ask him and say if he doesn't contribute then you presume he's getting his own present so won't put his name.

Aranyani

Are you both adults?  If so why on earth are you not just buying your own gifts and leaving him to do what he wants? 

Marvel1

Yes
.......

andyt999

Hi it sounds like you need to sit down with your brother and discuss how family birthday gifts are going to work for both of you going forward. Clearly you're not happy and feel like you're getting the smelly end of the stick. Maybe you could find a neutral space to have a conversation, explain that you've been on the money saving expert forum and someone advised you should have a conversation in a neutral space. Tell him how you really feel, maybe give some examples where he has not contributed but his name was on the gift tag indicating that he had contributed. There could be a reason why he is not able to contribute, maybe he is in financial difficulties possibly with a gambling problem, maybe he is a jehovas witness and no longer celebrates birthdays, maybe he donates privately to charity but is too humble to mention it, maybe he spends all his spare cash on rhubarb and custard hard boiled sweets. If you don't want to discuss this with him then maybe a better idea would be to stop giving gifts at birthdays, whilst this would be a major change to enforce upon society as a whole it is easily explainable and I'm sure everyone would understand. Maybe take an ad out in a newspaper stating from 1st of next month all giving of birthday gifts are forbidden. You don't say what happens at Christmas but maybe this is covered in a seperate post? I hope you find a solution, I would favour not giving gifts at all as it is my brothers birthday soon and he has demanded a very expensive pen which I can't afford but my siblings are insisting we club together. 

[Deleted User]

Obviously you shouldn't continue to subsidize your brother, unless you are wrong in your assessment of his ability to pay his share.  First ensure he knows your system of buying gifts together, and that you have so far included him without his making a contribution, (you don't confirm he knows), then ask if he wants to chip in, or now make his own arrangements about gifts.   Perhaps he hasn't any interest in exchanging gifts with his family, and if that is the case you should honour it, and similarly not give gifts to him.

Rosa_Damascena

This is just petty, but do it if it puts you on the moral high point. Your brother is unlikely to care either way.

As you were.

REJP

No dilemma here.  He does not contribute so don't imply he does by putting his name on the gift.
No problem then is there?  A previous comment asks if he is short of cash.  Your question says he earns more than you, so clearly if you can afford presents he should be able to contribute unless he has more outgoings than you.
Be grown up and just ask him if he wants to contribute or not.  If he doesn't, problem solved, don't put his name on the gifts.

pphillips

Where's the MMD? Your brother's been getting a free ride, he's the one acting immorally!

Lizzie8591

Hell yes ! 

lauraN

I assume he is an adult as he is earning, so therefore, hell yes, you should stop putting his name on things he hasn’t contributed to.