First Steps to Solvency

mothsinmywallet_2 · 20 October 2020 at 4:29PM

"what kind of idiot buys property on 100LTV when you could, me. Who buys a RR on finance, me. Who’s right on the limit of LTV for BTL, me"
Who recognises there is a problem and tries to sort it, you.
Who realises he needs to change his relationships, you.
Who has made immense progress, you.

downshifted · 20 October 2020 at 6:06PM

“What have I achieved - a load of debt and not a lot else by the looks of it. Now need to pay it back and give up the dreams.”

You need to start a gratitude diary; write down 3 things you are grateful for every day. Despite some of the things you have thought in the past you seem to have a strong marriage with a hard working and committed wife. You have a healthy son who likes to spend time with you. You have a lovely home that was once the fruition of your plans, and you still have a quality car. You have a good business and a side income and room in your budget to repay your debts and have some spare for good quality food, some entertainment and a family holiday. Far more than many, please don’t think “not a lot” and please try to start recognising the good things.

You have made huge inroads in the past month, keep working on the mindset. I do think the roots of all this are in your childhood, this obsession with “toys” speaks to that. Good luck, keep up the good work.

ryanm8655 · 20 October 2020 at 6:12PM

alt80 said:

Not having a too bad day today don’t feel well but at least no rage haha. Knowing whatever I have or don’t is all on me that’s the embarrassment - what kind of idiot buys property on 100LTV when you could, me. Who buys a RR on finance, me. Who’s right on the limit of LTV for BTL, me. Always wanted to be big time and it’s on me that I’m not. Made the wrong choices no one else to blame. Can’t remember a time I didn’t have some sort of finance or a time when my whole life business and personal wasn’t based on some kind of debt or leverage. Spent a long time lying to myself about it never mind others. What have I achieved - a load of debt and not a lot else by the looks of it. Now need to pay it back and give up the dreams.

Cut yourself some slack, dude. Focus on what you have achieved rather than rubbishing it all. You’ve achieved a lot. I’d rather have a 100% mortgage than be renting. Seems a sensible decision to me at that time...

clairebeth · 20 October 2020 at 6:26PM

Ha! Here I was thinking the 'thing' was cocaine! Regardless, no judgement from anyone here!

We all have relapses! I had a terrible blast from the past today and came home and ate a whole packet of m&ms! Important thing is that I realise that tomorrow is another day and a clean slate.

My friend used to have a really cheesy poster in her room: 'Today is the first day of the rest of your life.' You'd be surprised how often I think of it!

Also, re: your idea that your father in law is jealous of you. Unlikely. Debt is unenviable.

I've thought throughout this diary that your father in law sounds a lot like my dad (my dad would never make sarky comments though). Very much left wing working class, clever, hard working and content with his life. Paid off the house in his 40s and took semi retirement at 50. He taught us to work hard, he didn't finish school and thought the best thing he could give us was an education and wanted us to be happy and content. He is STILL the guy I talk to about financial decisions, and his advice is always to keep a level head and think about what would be the right thing for the family and balance the risks. I would say I'm actually more risk averse than he is (he was an estate agent for the last 15 years of his career so is quite pragmatic about what goes up must come down).

If I was married to someone like you... honestly, I think my dad may have had a heart attack by now. It's REALLY hard for someone who takes money and security seriously (like your FIL presumably), to see someone throw it away like you do. He must be tearing his hair out about the security of his daughter and grandson. Don't you see that? He doesn't see something to be jealous of, he sees unsafe financial decisions. Not success, just bravado. No one wants that for themselves, and certainly not for their children.

Also, can't you just tell the fancy car guy that you sold the F-type? Covid is a great reason to be cutting back, everyone is doing it. Doesn't mean your son needs to miss out on a ride in his fancy car.

ohdearhowdidthathappen · 20 October 2020 at 7:41PM

You've said you've bigged up the figures when discussing BTLs with your property mates, how do you know they're not doing the same?
I thought the 'thing' might be strippers. Only because a friend found out her husband was spending thousands on them recently, so that's what sprang to mind

You're doing great, you just need to stop looking for greener grass. I think I've been unfairly harsh on your wife in the past... I don't understand the not working thing, but other than that, she doesn't sound like she's been overly instrumental in your money issues. I think that's mainly you keeping up with the Jones's (or what you think they think you should have/buy)

alt80 · 20 October 2020 at 10:34PM

Evening with family was nice. Getting used to switching off for a few hours. Been trying to work out what to do with entertainment for this weekend. Don't want to dwell on it but there's essentially -£15 now and a weekend. I have spent £170 this month on my own stuff. Wife doesn't know about Monday spends and not really sure about fessing up tbh she wouldn't be impressed let's just put it that way.

To add I can't offset from groceries either - that's -£10 tomorrow when wife puts order in.

@mothsinmywallet_2 Hard to see that when in the back of my mind all I want to do is carry on where I left off, forget about it and hope it all goes away.

@downshifted My counsellor wanted me to do that. Opened the book and couldn't write anything lol but you're right I do know I actually have more than a lot of people just not enough for me iyswim?

@ryanm8655 Been on a bit of a downer today after everything yesterday. Probably not the thing to admit but I'd do all that stuff again even though it's all a bit questionable - or is in the eyes of others. Only finance I wouldn't take again are numerous credit cards. Thanks for your other post I've read it again in a bit better state of mind. One of my reasons for the counselling is to try to get to the point of not hating myself and treating others poorly then spaffing a load of money on something to feel better about myself/ treat the wife for putting up with me.

@clairebethBet you're absolutely wild at a party, full pack of M&Ms well that's practically debauchery haha. Did you seriously think even if I that's what I was doing that I was going to fess up to having a coke habit?

Yeah your dad sounds a bit like FIL.

@ohdearhowdidthathappen I don't tbf. Not saying I don't know plenty who are similarly leveraged too - it's not exactly unusual in property circles. Suppose I've done it to make me look bigger than I am.

He was probably doing more than watching them strip lol hope the wife got him tested but thanks for giving me a laugh.

Lol 100% know that's my problem, always have been on the lookout for that greener grass.

clairebeth · 20 October 2020 at 11:07PM

Ha! No! No expectation to confess, as I said, no judgement regardless! And yes, I DO enjoy a good party, hence why I would no more raise an eyebrow at cocaine vs chocolate! It's the 'bad day can make you slip into bad habits' analogy that was important!

alt80 · 20 October 2020 at 11:29PM

@clairebeth Agreed re bad day slipping into bad habits.

riotlady · 21 October 2020 at 10:46AM

The gratitude thing is like working out a muscle- it'll feel like such a strain at first, but it gets easier and easier the more you do it. Maybe start with one thing a day, instead of three?