First Steps to Solvency

alt80

@clairebeth haha yes of course no chance in 90s for me, shame would have a lot more had I been around then (and able to buy lol). 

@highfieldcyrille88 have quite a wide social circle but all property / car people tbf. For obvious reasons I wouldn’t want them to know what’s going on in my personal finances. Doing the counselling and plan to carry on with it hopefully some miracle will stop the wanting to spend continually. Just taking the punishment now, getting card paid same day when any funds come in.

@stymied just because I like my current house doesn’t mean I want to make it the last place I ever live and don’t want next level. I showed wife the house I saw, she was all hmmm I don’t think it’s for us... basically you aren’t getting that loser. Forget it.

I need to reduce debt.

She’s risk adverse because her dad keeps telling her I’m ‘bad with money’ and going to lose our home. I’m not. He’s probably a jealous man I earn better than he ever has and got a bigger house. She had no interest in property before this but now wants to know the ins and outs of every potential deal. 

RelievedSheff

I'm pretty sure your wife does not think you are a loser. More likely she is just very comfortable where you currently are and doesn't feel the need to buy a bigger more expensive house.

And I'm fairly certain that FIL is not jealous of you and how much debt you are in. No one is jealous of anyone who owes a substantial amount of money to the banks and finance companies.

I think your wife has the right idea in being more risk adverse. She will perhaps keep you on the straight and narrow until your finances improve and quite possibly well after they have improved.

ladyholly

If your wife thought you are a loser she would have left long ago. Please stop with the nonsense of being a loser or people thinking you are a loser. Most people dont care what others have or dont have and who is the loser?  Someone who is very happy in their small rented home with a minimum wage job or someone who is constantly stressed and never content with what they have but are always looking for the next thing to buy be it cars houses gadgets etc.  I am not saying ambition isnt positive but to live just for the next thing you can buy is a recipe for disaste . Happiness and contentedness (is that a word?) is not a commodity to be bought but a feeling that can be acheived when you stop running.

PassElephant

You will not be the only one in a little financial pickle among your property and car owning friends. There are lots of us.
Listen to the kindness of your wife. She isn't weak at all.
When you have paid the cards back you will have more options.

ZaSa1418

alt80 said:

@ZaSa1418 wife wants me to forget about life admit I’ve lost so yes different life goals. Stay in current res home pay it off no chasing 7 figure house, pay for rr and save towards another fun car. Forget building portfolio to the level I want pay down what I have to get rid of PGs. Maybe get some more but not the levels I want. She sees I have the stress because I’ve let the greed monster win. I want to win she wants me to lose.

She doesn't want you to lose, she is being sensible and wants you all out of this horrible debt.  She wants to make sure her son has his father around rather than him having a heart attack due to the stress levels you are under. It's a shame you don't see it like that but maybe in time you will. 
Change your goals to paying off the debt, win at that first and then go from there

enthusiasticsaver

alt80 said:

Payback is sinking in tbh. YEARS until I can buy another toy can’t make the figures stack even for a used V6 F-Type now. Seen a house I’d love to buy today the dream. £1.45M no f**king chance. I’m such scum in the banks eye I can’t even release £100k equity. No chance of celebrating my 40th. Thought I’d have a 7 figure home, fleet of cars and living the dream. Know it’s first world problems, know there are people a lot worse off than me in this world. Probably am ‘exactly the type’.

Can everyone seriously get to the point where they are ok with the payback / years lost to paying down debt? I want to get there know it’s not just going to go away need to pay it back. Want to pay it off and wish I’d never bought stuff on credit cards without thinking about it. Not just this time but the times before. OK with it when I’m detached from it, just looking at the figures and number crunching but the minute I think about what I’ve done to myself and bank won’t remo my res home I’m raging takes one small thing to irritate me and I’m losing it over really stupid stuff like queues and not getting proper service. Got the road rage on way home some old woman dallying about 10mph under limit. Wife going mad because I don’t want some average life, pay off debts, pay off home mortgage and forget about any real progress.

Think about it. If it was easy to pay down debt then people would still keep borrowing. Wise people know you don't get rich on someone else's money. They learnt the hard way by doing what you are doing. Paying for the mistakes of the past. 

alt80

Yesterday I did something I’ve promised my wife I would never do again absolutely no doubt affected my state of mind last night. Over budget for ‘entertainment’ now if I can call it that.

I know I need to make peace with the pay down. Buying stuff, making money and owning stuff are the only things I value about myself. Don’t feel I’m doing an amazing job at any of those right now. The thought of not being able to afford the lifestyle I want makes me so angry. No I don’t think someone who is actually content with what they have is a loser - they aren’t getting into a massive rage over stuff being out of reach. 

Above everything I wish I could make peace with this do what someone with a normal healthy state of mind does and enjoys spending time with family, odd treat and settled.

Briefly spoke to my counsellor this morning who was shocked to hear from me as thought I was turning a corner, so did I. Need to pull it together.

warby68

Its a cliche, but I think you have to give it time.
Its only the first month and you're still reeling from your reality check/light bulb moment - yours is on more levels than most.
Keep talking, keep to the financial plan and possibly talk to GP about more professional support - the mood swings and anger do seem significant.
Consider your achievements in Month 1 - cards on table with wife, lots more quality time with her and your son and even wider family, you did not overspend £3k which was probably the average of the last year, you have reduced debt by £7k or so. That's a £10k improvement in 1m. You're getting counselling and back into your business proactively. You are doing more fitness and have decided to drink less. And you gave up a much loved toy.
That's a heck of a lot. You're entitled to take some time to get used to it all but you must address the anger quite urgently - ranting at service staff and road rage are a slippery slope.

RelievedSheff

@alt80 but won't you feel so much better when you are buying things with your own money rather then borrowed money?

It is perfectly normal to want to upgrade things and strive to be better but not to the extremes that you have taken them.

We would dearly love to upgrade our boat to something bigger and we have found something that would suit us down to the ground but we know that right now just isn't the time to do that. Right now we need to knuckle down and make big inroads into our existing debt. That doesn't mean that we will never get that bigger boat, it just means it is something to look forward too in the future when our finances are in better shape.

Drawingaline

Two steps forward, one step back. You have identified what you have done, why you have done it and contacted your counsellor. Which is a huge leap forward in mentality. This is something that should be applauded. Remember that. Hold on to it.