First Steps to Solvency

highfieldcyrille88

I am long time lurker on MSE but having read most of this thread at the end of last week and coming back today made me want to sign up and respond. Firstly @Alt80, I admire your honesty and openness as you document your journey of reducing your credit card debt.  You have made great progress over the last few weeks already. Getting rid of the F-Type was a great decision and do not regret it, move forward and enjoy the two great cars you have on the drive.

My thoughts

1. Look at calming techniques to reduce your stress and anger. Getting angry with other people is not a good way to go and one day things may get out of hand with you on the wrong end of it. Learn to recognise when you are getting angry and how you can control/calm this. You will feel a lot better about things, feel in control and make better decisions once you are aware of your emotions. Learn to love yourself a bit more, concentrate on what you are good at and refine this.
2. Try and expose yourself to different people, perhaps join a club or volunteer for something. You meet lots of people from different backgrounds values and gain an insight what is important to them. You mention your tenants, anyway to socialise with them, widen your circle etc.  I think it will help you understand that people are not making judgements on you all the time and having the biggest and best car/house/iphone etc is not a sign of self worth.
3. Got to the pub with just you and your FIL, and take a mature attitude. Show humility, recognise that you see the world differently, share your ambitions and current challenges, remind him you love his daughter - you are on the same page. Sometimes, it can really help if you gain perspective from someone who has the opposite view of yourself and what motivates them. You will feel better for it.

Good luck.

clairebeth

highfieldcyrille88 said:

I am long time lurker on MSE but having read most of this thread at the end of last week and coming back today made me want to sign up and respond. Firstly @Alt80, I admire your honesty and openness as you document your journey of reducing your credit card debt.  You have made great progress over the last few weeks already. Getting rid of the F-Type was a great decision and do not regret it, move forward and enjoy the two great cars you have on the drive.

My thoughts

1. Look at calming techniques to reduce your stress and anger. Getting angry with other people is not a good way to go and one day things may get out of hand with you on the wrong end of it. Learn to recognise when you are getting angry and how you can control/calm this. You will feel a lot better about things, feel in control and make better decisions once you are aware of your emotions. Learn to love yourself a bit more, concentrate on what you are good at and refine this.
2. Try and expose yourself to different people, perhaps join a club or volunteer for something. You meet lots of people from different backgrounds values and gain an insight what is important to them. You mention your tenants, anyway to socialise with them, widen your circle etc.  I think it will help you understand that people are not making judgements on you all the time and having the biggest and best car/house/iphone etc is not a sign of self worth.
3. Got to the pub with just you and your FIL, and take a mature attitude. Show humility, recognise that you see the world differently, share your ambitions and current challenges, remind him you love his daughter - you are on the same page. Sometimes, it can really help if you gain perspective from someone who has the opposite view of yourself and what motivates them. You will feel better for it.

Good luck.

These are fabulous suggestions! 

@alt80 can I just clarify - did you actually get angry at an employee who was serving you? Someone who was serving the huge queue of people and trying to make the best of it? Someone who has to follow new covid regulations set by their employer even though they don't make a lot of sense? Someone who makes the same money per hour (gross) as you just spent on your lunch? Never mind about YOUR day, what about THEIRS?

I do really think some anger management would really help your quality of life (and that of those around you). Can you just try to put yourself in other people's shoes?

enthusiasticsaver

Of course you  could always take your own lunch from home then you would not need to  wait or shout at some poor low paid waitress and would save you some money too.  Win, win.  

alt80

Payback is sinking in tbh. YEARS until I can buy another toy can’t make the figures stack even for a used V6 F-Type now. Seen a house I’d love to buy today the dream. £1.45M no f**king chance. I’m such scum in the banks eye I can’t even release £100k equity. No chance of celebrating my 40th. Thought I’d have a 7 figure home, fleet of cars and living the dream. Know it’s first world problems, know there are people a lot worse off than me in this world. Probably am ‘exactly the type’.

Can everyone seriously get to the point where they are ok with the payback / years lost to paying down debt? I want to get there know it’s not just going to go away need to pay it back. Want to pay it off and wish I’d never bought stuff on credit cards without thinking about it. Not just this time but the times before. OK with it when I’m detached from it, just looking at the figures and number crunching but the minute I think about what I’ve done to myself and bank won’t remo my res home I’m raging takes one small thing to irritate me and I’m losing it over really stupid stuff like queues and not getting proper service. Got the road rage on way home some old woman dallying about 10mph under limit. Wife going mad because I don’t want some average life, pay off debts, pay off home mortgage and forget about any real progress.

theoretica

Yes, you can get to the stage of acceptance of this - but also it is not unusual to go through grief and anger on the way. 

My suggestion would be not to plan specific future toys in any detail and so not dwell on what you can't have at this very moment.

mothsinmywallet_2

Alt80, I say this with love, get your head out from up your !!!!!!. Yes people can be happy paying back debts. You just need to read the diaries on here to see. You're not even halfway through your life.  Yes, you can be happy. You can be happy with everything, you can be happy with nothing. It absolutely comes from within. The only person you are absolutely guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with is you. Make sure that you can look yourself in the eye in the mirror. 

And while I'm at it, stop !!!!!! insulting yourself, you ARE worthwhile. I don't know who told mini alt80 he was worth nothing. I'm really sorry that they did. They were wrong. You are the same as every other person on this planet - a bundle of potential. You need to respect yourself enough to let that potential out. 

Now wash your own !!!!!! car, apologise to your wife and remove head from between buttocks pronto.

Your homework is to take a selfie with your son on your dog walk every day for a week. Make stupid faces, get them printed and framed then give them to your wife for Christmas. She will love it. 

mothsinmywallet_2

This website is so po faced about swearing. Jeez. 

ladyholly

I would agree totally with whathighfieldcyrille88 says except socialising with your tenants. I think that could lead to problems if they caused you a problem. Better to stay professional in my opinion but I do think you do need to find something in which you can meet other people from all walks of life. (not car related). Perhaps something calming like yoga but not with your wife. You need to widen or should that be establish a social circle. It can be fun  having friends - honest
You will reach acceptance but in a way you are greiving for what you thought you would have and now have to face reality. It is tough but you will get there if you persist. Forget your age. I know some people obsess about it but there is only one alternative to getting older. I am a lot older than you but life is good and you have so much to look forward to. Watching your son grow into a man, enjoying time with your wife, appreciating the things you have now and will have in the future, etc etc etc.

MidsHollie

alt80 said:

Can everyone seriously get to the point where they are ok with the payback / years lost to paying down debt?.

Yes, you can (and will) have to get to a point where you are ok with paying down the debt. Because what is the alternative? 

The way I see it, I had a great time with the money that I spent that got me debt. Holidays, eating out, gifts for others, gifts for me, a beautiful kitchen etc etc. I just chose to pay for it in the future. And now it’s the future I’m sick of committing my future self to pay for now, so you have to about turn and have a really crap time completely turning things around. The harder you go, the shorter it will be until you don’t have debt. The more things you try and justify, the longer time you’ll spend in debt. I haven’t had a holiday for the whole of this year, and likely won’t until at least autumn next year. I’m ok with that, because the sooner I can pay off my debt, the sooner I can budget for and plan a completely paid for in advance holiday where I have absolutely zero guilt over what I’m spending. I really can’t wait for that time. 

RelievedSheff

@alt80 I think the key is to strike some kind of balance between paying down  the debt but also still living and enjoying life at the same time.