First Steps to Solvency

alt80

Thanks all I should respond properly - busy with work today but will try some point over the weekend.

Day 239 and counting over the 34 week mark. 11 days to the last milestone I set. Monday will be 3 months without drinking either. Know I’ve said it far too many times but I’m done with it, just not something I want in my life again. 

I only knew about the spending at the point I started trawling the statements for month end. Had a few days to think about it and talk to her. Ultimately I get she feels she should have not chosen to spend her life with me but I’ve told her that doesn’t mean she can agree to something and then go out of her way to !!!!!! it for all of us. Ultimately she didn’t spend that much historically I bought a lot of things for her and it upsets her that she’s no longer regularly getting big gifts. She started to really get into jewellery accounts and likes to follow people who have more than we will ever have leads her to think “everyone” is wearing this stuff tbh I told her to take a look around. 

Told her I can’t go on like this. I’ve had to face up to a lot and really think about how I’ve been spending money and the mindset I had which I don’t pretend wasn’t !!!!!! awful and I shouldn’t have got into the position I was in for many years but I can’t be ashamed of that forever and continue to !!!!!! my finances up, use drugs and just generally be a !!!!!!. She’s even said life’s a lot better but it’s the financial aspect that’s upsetting her. I get that tbh I like nice things too but I don’t like the stress of knowing I need to continually find a way to earn more I was just killing myself for it. Ultimately because I’m not good enough to give her or myself all the things we’d like to have in life. We have a slice of it though and I’m having to learn that’s enough the rest not worth killing yourself for. I had very seriously considered selling my car and giving her the payment to do whatever she wants with but she spent just under a year’s worth of that. I know it wouldn’t be enough and I can’t give her enough been totally honest with her had a lot of her crying she should have found a footballer and worried she’s missed her chance now. !!!!!! ridiculous looking at it now with the mindset I’ve been working on and am still working on. 

alt80

Todays cal ‘ask other people about things they’ve enjoyed recently’ 

Ha I’ll probably get some gems from some of my staff for this one lol. 

Kakiste

Surely she understands though that if you work together to pay off your household debts that there will be more money for treats and the nice stuff in life? And the more she randomly splurges it will just delay that debt free day coming?! 

When she says "had a lot of her crying she should have found a footballer and worried she's missed her chance now" What's her plan there? Is she honestly imagining a future where a hyper-rich footballer is going to suddenly decide that he wants some women (in her 30s?) with a kid in tow? Or is she just envisaging dumping your son and running off with said bloke? I don't get it- it's complete fantasy. I mean I entertain a daydream where Henry Cavill comes along and sweeps me off my feet- but it's make believe and it's not actually something that would ever happen because...... reality. 

I have many regrets about being in debt; but almost all of them are centred around opportunities that I haven't been able to give my daughter. She's 7 and has never been on a foreign holiday, never been on a plane, never gone to Disneyland/legoland, never stayed in a hotel and many other things. There's almost nothing I regret for myself. That's part of the journey (and wider parenting though) I keep myself on a really tight leash- I don't overspend, I don't splurge because I know that as soon as I am debt free the money will be there to start doing or saving towards those experiences for her. I've already wasted so much time by messing up my finances so now to delay paying off my debts even for a month because I want something seems the height of selfishness towards my daughter. 

getmore4less

I have made my feelings over the crying and manipulation before.

had a lot of her crying she should have found a footballer and worried she's missed her chance now

lets do a what's so great about being a footballer and married to one.......I ask a few question to my old friend that knows loads of stuff google.

lets start with this quote from....
https://uk.news.yahoo.com/had-why-nearly-three-quarters-162858932.html

 “The number of players who can retire at 35 or 36 and never have to work again are minimal,” says Gillian. “They have to get a job – it’s important from a financial and psychological perspective. And join a gym – you have been exercising all your life and your brain needs those neurochemicals.”

By now she could be in a situation the money has dried up and be moving on...... 

As said before look how many footballer wife's are successful independently to suport their hubby when the footbal money dries up..

Then another from 2018 gives some stark reading for the fantasy football wife.
https://www.pensionsage.com/pa/Time-to-retire-from-football.php

starting with.....

Though professional footballers aren’t exactly on minimum wage, there is more diversity within the sport than you might think. While the average salary of a Premier League footballer is a whopping £2.6m a year, this drops to well below £100k for those playing in Leagues One and Two.

So she was not thinking any footballer but premier league.........
(Instagram delusions kicked in on this one) 

championship wages are on a par with your income (remember you pull £100k after tax, that's  ~£160k in real money


then we have

The average career lasts for eight years.
This is quite short when you think of the longevity of some well-known players. However, many careers are cut unexpectedly short through injury – it’s quite a physically demanding profession, and only a small percentage are able to play at the height of the game for a dozen or so years.

There are a couple of other prize snips in there.

This sums it up.

Even for us non-footballing folk, it can be very easy to take for granted the lifestyle we live today, assuming it will endure in retirement. However, as we know, the reality can be very different.

The reality is you are generating more than most footballers earn while they are capable of playing and a lot more than most that have come to the end of their football careers.


Bar a major mess up yours is sustainable and will grow,


I think I would be asking her does she want a part of that sustainable growing income going forward or would she prefer to !!!!!! of and find that footballer struggling on heir meagre pension potentially a physical wreck from injury.

Given the divorce rate there should be plenty to get a reasonable choice from the football scrap heap.

might even find a good looking one........

That last bit is a bit TIC hopefully you can work this through, this football stuff is starting to get on my nerves so must be a real pisser for you as there had been loads of progress shame she is still getting sucked in by Instagram

strawb_shortcake

I think the comment and the crying is incredibly hurtful, just because its twisted back to income doesn't make it acceptable.  
If Alt was to sit lamenting to Mrs Alt about not being married to young beautiful rich entrepreneur it would be seen as abusive.

No one deserves to be treated like that. 

For what it's worth, I have an Aunt that married a footballer, sadly been widowed for many years. They really did have a wonderful life but she worked incredibly hard too, even now at 83 she still goes in a day or two a week and help keep the family business ticking over.
The fairy tale of being a "WAG" is just that made up fantasy. 
Mrs Alt may think she doesnt need therapy but what she displays is not normal or accessible behaviour 

SusieT

You are so totally different in your mindset now, and should be so damned proud of yourself. If I were a friend, relative or employee of yours I would be as well. 
You do not deserve the treatment you are getting, and I think talking to the FIL would be a very good idea - as well as dsastically reducing the limits on the cards that she has. 
Do you or any of your friends know any footballers (I am being serious here) who are married and who do not have wives who spend like there is no tomorrow? It would be a very good idea if she could meet one and learn that the crazy image in her head is not the reality. Otherwise she really does need to see that she has a problem and have therapy, which I thing will be very difficult to convince her of. 
We all have your back here, you are doing brilliantly please keep going the way you are as your son one day will realise how much you have done for him

poppy811

Alt your last post is incredibly sad.  Why does she think as an adult she has no responsibility to contribute to the household income and manage your budget?  Please stay strong and don’ let this situation undo all the progress you have made.

enthusiasticsaver

You have done incredibly to turn around the bad spending habits and get your finances in better shape.  You have done brilliantly to get clean from the substances and I do not want to downplay your wifes help in doing this and encouraging you to stay focused and engaged in family life.  However she has her own demons and you both need to work on this.  Part of this is learned behaviour.  You mess up and buy her gifts and she gets to feel like the wronged wife and receives all this stuff which she sticks up on IG and makes her feel like a WAG or whatever it is she aspires to.  She has no job satisfaction or feeling of self worth because she does not work for a salary or earn her own money so the possessions define her in a way in that they are things presumably only wealthy people buy.  Her son is getting older so will need her less and less so she is looking for self fulfilment. Understanding why her aspirations are so low (to be a WAG is so old fashioned these days) is important and I do  get the feeling you need to either develop a thicker skin to stop yourself being upset by her hurtful comments or put measures in place to stop her over spending and sabotaging your efforts to get on top of your finances.  Hopefully in time the quite ridiculous comments about getting a footballer will stop. 

Amber1980

@alt80
Just popping by to say hi,yours is one of the diaries I always read before joining a couple of weeks ago,you are doing amazing!
Giving up drinking was the best thing I’ve ever done,I’m six years sober this summer and I used to be a big party girl 😂😂
My lifestyle and financial situation  has changed hugely over the last few years for various reasons and I won’t lie I have sometimes found it tough to adjust to a different way of life,not having the flash cars and fancy holidays anymore etc and the main reason has been my husband taking a 50% pay cut because of health reasons.I’ve always been pretty financially independent but with him now on a not great salary our life has obviously changed. I don’t want to criticise your wife but it really isn’t nice her making you feel bad and spending money like this,you sound like a really decent guy and she needs to realise that life isn’t all about money and she still has an enviable lifestyle thanks to you.

stymied

>10k spent on a whim! @alt80 I’m really worried this is going to go the same way as the previous Mrs Alt blowouts - she cries and says she’s not taking anything back, she realises the error of her ways and ‘considers’ taking things back, she changes her mind and decides to keep everything, it all blows over and nothing more is said and done until it happens again = she gets what she wants with no repercussions and you’re left trying to clear up the mess.

I have no advice but I’m rooting for you to change this pattern.