First Steps to Solvency

Purplelady65

Re the spending by your wife was she hoping that you just wouldn’t notice the spends on the credit card statements if that’s how you found out? I don’t know how much a year’s worth of balloon payments is - I’m guessing a few thousand? 

It’s interesting that your wife is only bothered about being with a footballer. It sounds like a young girl’s fantasy that she’s never grown out of. So if she’s only bothered about money why doesn’t she talk about being with a millionaire or billionaire. There are significantly more people out there who are millionaires or billionaires who are not premier league footballers. Would any man fit the bill if she could have unlimited spending? 

The other thing your wife needs to understand is that once the debts are paid off you won’t be able to return to the spending levels that you previously had as that’s you ended up in significant debt in the first place. Do you think she’s taken that on board? Yes, you’ll have plenty of money to treat yourselves but to avoid building up debt again she won’t be able to spend it like water. 

Finally I do wish you’d stop saying you’re not good enough to give her all that she wants. You do realise that it would never be enough? I do get that if you used to buy her lavish presents she’s disappointed she doesn’t get them anymore and probably over the years an expectation has built for her around receiving extravagant gifts. However it wasn’t reality as you were borrowing money to pay for them. 

I can understand you feel guilt and remorse about your past behaviour and want to buy her things to make up for it and she probably harbours resentment (although may not acknowledge it consciously or sub-consciously) for your past behaviour. Talking about missing out on being with a footballer is designed to goad you. However you can’t spend the rest of your life apologising for past behaviours and being made to feel that you’re not good enough. At the moment you’re both just stuck in a cycle of repeated behaviours which neither of you are willing to change. You because you’re full of guilt and feelings of inadequacy and your wife because it suits her to go out spending. She doesn’t have to earn the money or worry about the finances or how the excess spending will be paid for so basically doesn’t have any responsibility or accountability re the family finances. 

I do think if this was a woman posting about her husband saying to her that he’d missed his chance and should have gone off with a younger, fitter model who earned more money when he had the chance and that his wife was no good in her job and didn’t earn enough the responses from the OPs would be much more strongly worded! 

Grumpelstiltskin

Alt Ask her why she has bought a dress for your vow renewal if she doesn't want to be with you.

Then tell her if she isn't happy then you will cancel the renewal as it will not be sincere.

Then speak to her father and tell him you don't know how much longer you can carry on with this charade, tell him she keeps telling you that you are not good enough for her and it can't carry on like this and something has to give.

Legs21

I think the only way she’s going to stop throwing the footballer comment at you is if she either gets help or you call her bluff.

Why a footballer? Why not an actor or an entrepreneur?

I think the only available male who could possibly fulfil her spending needs is Bill Gates, but I don’t think he plays football 🤣

foxgloves

About a hundred upticks for @Grumpelstiltskin's comment. 
This has to stop. The spending is sabotage, pure & simple and the continued footballer comments are childish & ridiculous. I think there are two realistic options here - either a pre-paid card with a monthly allowance (when it's gone, it's gone) or time for Mrs Alt to go out & earn her spending money.
F

poppy811

Are you OK do hope so

Four_Seasons

Hope you and yours are all ok and are having a good weekend.

sarahevie1

I'm struggling to understand the comments about ALT telling FIL - we're talking about a married couple and a wife in her 30s. It seems incredulous to go running to tell 'Daddy' to sort out the problem.

 I do understand why the suggestion has occurred as FIL is the voice of reason and ALTs wife respects him but I'm also sat shaking my head thinking 'how immature - to have a sustainable partnership there needs to be an ability to resolve problems without resorting to the past cycles of the wife kicking off and ALT placating her with ridiculous gifts.'

Personally I'd be calling her bluff-  I can't tolerate this level of immaturity from my children - let alone a partner. The tears and manipulation would have got to me long ago. 

RelievedSheff

I hope you have managed to have a good weekend despite the challenges you have been thrown.

maddiemay

Not posted for ages (dexterity problems), but still cheering you on, you have done amazingly well.

theoretica

Not running to daddy to sort out the problem - but a woman who sounds like she needs a good support network to try to change the current situation without taking herself and especially their son through a very unstable period.