First Steps to Solvency

warby68

On offer at £88 elsewhere if she could just control herself for 5 minutes as well.

She needs the allowance - her choice what she spends/wastes it on but when gone its gone.

Her repeated broken promises are just going to irritate more and more.

JCS1

If going to spend that much on a hairbrush, always worth a check on google.  I've found it for £88 on a few other websites.

alt80

Between jobs this afternoon been thinking I’m fed up of this constant damage limitation for !!!!!! stupid buys. Thanks for the heads up on her not even getting value for money if you can call a !!!!!! £110 hairbrush ‘value’ in the first place fml last time I bought a hairbrush £5 sounds about right. She’s got a full !!!!!! set of them. I’m seriously thinking about telling her it goes back, really wants one spends the £88 and pays it back with doing nails.

Not sold by the hairdresser but the hairdresser was basically encouraging her from what my Mrs has said. No !!!!!! way the hairdresser has one but telling wife it’s amazing etc etc One of the funniest things my wife’s ever said was about IG influencers, at centre parcs her dad said she’s being ‘influenced by the influencers’ and she looked him straight in the eye and told him ‘that means they are doing well in their careers’ !!!!!! hilarious but I’ve no real hope. Fwiw I don’t even think she’s trying to be a !!!!!! just someone suggests some shiny thing she likes and she get’s her card out. This weekend got her going out for a meal and drinks with 2 girls already had the upset over she’s not got a new dress and they will have. Pointed out there’s no !!!!!! way they spend what she does and they won’t know what slight variations are brand new surely whole point of buying quality is it lasts idk. I still wear clothes I bought in my 20s that look decent lol. 

Did say to her over lunch she maybe needs to think about the nail income as a spends allowance for the month. Get the it’s me with the addiction not her chat when I suggest she uses the spends card for general, planned for spends only. I still have to give her every receipt and she checks it off my spends on my company card now I’m off the cash no access to personal money still.

Re son least of my !!!!!! worries he is ha but I take the point he’s going to be upset when he has £10 to spend when he would have spent £40/£50/£100 or whatever. Fortunate a lot of the things he likes are cheap tbf I don’t really want to give in, think he gets enough tbt don’t want him turning into a brat. Wonder sometimes idk unlikely he’ll have to put the graft in to the same extent I did for the same outcome. I do want to make sure he has a good work ethic instilled in him and think he’s at an age where he can start working towards some things rather than seeing me as some kind of !!!!!! money fountain. Actually big thanks to people on here it’s me who needs to step up with the parenting seen that for what it is left up to wife she’d baby him until he went to uni !!!!!! clueless one of those odd kids that we all met with no idea how to make a sandwich crying for their mummy fml. 

Re res house interesting view points idk what the answer is tbt I think reason I want to get the RR cleared and move is mainly driven by my brain telling me I want to be able to look back and think I was successful when I’m old. Have massive anxiety over the idea one day I’ll buy my last house. Sounds !!!!!! crazy written down but it stresses me out the idea one day going to run out of time to level up. Not just my home, other things too but not quite to the same extent. I’m not going to get into the big in business league that still makes me feel like !!!!!!. Suppose I had some !!!!!! massive confidence as a kid that I’d be successful idk why stupid really but can’t let go of the idea I’ll make it in life entirely. Not care what the wife spends on hairbrushes lol idk probably would now I’m in a different mindset it’s odd.

My options are realistically to double/ double and a bit my mortgage plus the equity I have would get me into a 7 figure place or leave money retained that’s currently personal debt repayments. Retained is most sense 100% but part of me says what am I doing it for really idk I’ve always been so desperate for money that it’s been a question of keeping up with my lifestyle spend 2023 money in 2021 focuses the mind when the payments need to be made I suppose ha. Not even accumulated any new card debt for quite a while, card juggling isn’t anything like it was 0% used but to be in a position I don’t wind up paying interest on anything not even car balloon payment. I’m buzzing for the day I pay that with just a few cards on the 0% to pay after. !!!!!! love it, like I’ve screwed my head on in my personal life for once in my life which I’m sure you’re all laughing at.

enthusiasticsaver

I think it is great your attitude to spending and debt has changed but your wife still has some way to go.  Your addiction to drugs may be the reason you have limited access to money but she also has an addiction to spending and social media. You either resign yourself to seeing a lot of your hard earned money leaking out on expensive tat or you set some sort of system in place to make her keep to the budget.  I said right from the start that I would not normally agree with treating  a SAHM as one who needs to have pocket money or housekeeping doled out but she has such a warped view of you as the earner and her as the kept wife that it is quite damaging particularly for your son.  She sees herself as what years ago we would have called WAGs. I seriously think she needs some sort of counselling to build up her confidence and self worth and develop her own identity rather than seeing herself as "arm candy". 

 Both of you seem to lack confidence and measure success in material goods.  I am not sure where that has come from but possibly the years of designer brands, luxury cars and the current social media circus on IG, FB etc which extols false values and status has something to do with it. You could most certainly already call yourself a success in that you run two profitable businesses and although not plain sailing a supportive family and stable finances.  I am not sure where it ends if you buy another property but if you can afford it and want it then no reason why you should not do that. It may not satisfy your ego though so worth exploring why you think you need that next level with the pros. 

I am glad you can now see that you have a lot to offer your son as a caring and involved Dad and that leaving him to your wife to turn her into a mini  her is not a great way to go.  She already appears to be quite entitled so you do not want your son to go the same way. 

alt80

Just worked out wife would get just over £1.7k for the year if I went down the pocket money road. Seriously !!!!!! tempting. Could save a little bit doing same for son in the short term £8/w rather than £10/w.

Quite stressed rn the thoughts about what would she do if anything did happen to me started again this afternoon. It genuinely concerns me, didn’t really used to care but now I do, she wouldn’t pull the same income know that much. I worry she’s clueless and I don’t mean that in some egotistical way just want her to be ok. Parents-in-law said to me last night I need lower the amount of stress in my life to get the sleep consistent. Know they’re right tbf probably looked like death how late I’ve been getting to sleep past few days I know it’s been past 2am.

Should park it, wrap up and get home before son goes to bed really tbf.

alt80

@enthusiasticsaver idk what it is with her tbh she’s always been the same, she’ll be forever 20 never has grown up ha. As for the wag comment that was her ‘dream career’ when she was at school. Apparently told the careers advisor she just wanted to meet a footballer. why the !!!!!! she settled with me idk but I can’t give her a footballer’s lifestyle. I’ve tried to get her to go into all sorts of work but she doesn’t stick with it and idk why I don’t understand it.

theoretica

Thing about the hairbrush is it probably won't do any better job at brushing your wife's hair than one much cheaper.  However, you talk on here (and I suspect at home too) about a couple of watches you have your eye on for the future - which won't tell the time any better than one much cheaper.  You talk about new houses - but your wife likes where you live and doesn't think a different one would do the job of being home any better.  So, aside from the detail of whether the spending is now or later, I think you may be suffering again from the 'your spending is tat mine is worthwhile' issue.  Maybe you are only talking about your potential future spending on here, and this doesn't apply.  But otherwise I think you may not be giving the clear message about reducing spending that you think you are, and want to. 

A different possible aim is to own your home full and square, all yours, no mortgage.  An extension of the no interest on anything idea!  I am sure you would still have leverage in the business portfolio.

enthusiasticsaver

LOL at your wife aspiring to being a WAG as a "career" and it is a slap in the face of sexism tbh and a regression to the 1950s housewife stereotype which was my mothers era.  I wonder what the career advisor said.  I am not sure why some girls/women have such  low aspirations but I am sure the rubbish reality tv programmes they make now like Love Island and such and social media and growing up in deprived areas with poor education has something to do with it. I realise that probably makes me sound a bit of a snob but I do think that these things don't help in encouraging young women to get a career in their own right rather than see themselves as an extension  to their successful husbands or partners. Footballers marriages are seldom happy and many of them end up bankrupt so rather than "settling" for you she seems to have done very well.  At least you agreed to stay in Nottingham near her parents which is something most footballers would not do. 
 
These low aspirations are  not something I recognise from my daughters or their friends growing up (similar age to your wife)  but I guess they leaned towards likeminded people and all the young women from their social groups have careers in their own right and bring up families as well sometimes. We also come from a  typical middle class area and have little to no pockets of poverty around us so no doubt privileged so perhaps it is more widespread than I think. 

£1.7k seems a small price to  pay if it makes her stay on budget. What would that need to cover?  My husband and I both have £300 a month personal spends so £3.6k a year so I can foresee if that needs to cover all her spends (clothes, hair, presents, entertainment (other than family)) she is quickly going to go through that. That is really less than £150 a month which can of course be done but sounds like a drastic change from what she is used to and the idea is to get her on board.  Of course if that is supplemented by nails income then that is another matter. A £ a week for each year of your sons life sounds like a good idea. Hopefully it will get them both out of the idea that there is a magic money tree somewhere. 

warby68

I have said it before but probably worth repeating. One point of the allowance is that you don't fret or involve yourself in every purchase. Once the money's in her account its hers for whatever tat of the month is. One way to reduce your stress with less scrutiny and micromanagement. Today was probably £10 of hairbrush and £100 for the Balmain sticker. When that's coming out of 'her' money and making a big hole in it, she might just start to move closer to reality. 

Your wife has sort of achieved her ambition, not working, being kept, focussing on appearance and spending lots of money but we can also see in all of you a loving family so its worth doing battle for. If you don't 'step up' she will ruin your son and you can't really parent him without her buy in so it all goes together. She has to mature as well. The fact her parents are more on your side with these things should help.

Get her on the allowance, something reasonable but not excessive and refuse to engage no matter how she whinges. Let her keep any nail money. A million to one chance that she leaves. She knows deep down on which side her bread is buttered.

RelievedSheff

alt80 said:

Between jobs this afternoon been thinking I’m fed up of this constant damage limitation for !!!!!! stupid buys. Thanks for the heads up on her not even getting value for money if you can call a !!!!!! £110 hairbrush ‘value’ in the first place fml last time I bought a hairbrush £5 sounds about right. She’s got a full !!!!!! set of them. I’m seriously thinking about telling her it goes back, really wants one spends the £88 and pays it back with doing nails.

Not sold by the hairdresser but the hairdresser was basically encouraging her from what my Mrs has said. No !!!!!! way the hairdresser has one but telling wife it’s amazing etc etc One of the funniest things my wife’s ever said was about IG influencers, at centre parcs her dad said she’s being ‘influenced by the influencers’ and she looked him straight in the eye and told him ‘that means they are doing well in their careers’ !!!!!! hilarious but I’ve no real hope. Fwiw I don’t even think she’s trying to be a !!!!!! just someone suggests some shiny thing she likes and she get’s her card out. This weekend got her going out for a meal and drinks with 2 girls already had the upset over she’s not got a new dress and they will have. Pointed out there’s no !!!!!! way they spend what she does and they won’t know what slight variations are brand new surely whole point of buying quality is it lasts idk. I still wear clothes I bought in my 20s that look decent lol. 

Did say to her over lunch she maybe needs to think about the nail income as a spends allowance for the month. Get the it’s me with the addiction not her chat when I suggest she uses the spends card for general, planned for spends only. I still have to give her every receipt and she checks it off my spends on my company card now I’m off the cash no access to personal money still.

Re son least of my !!!!!! worries he is ha but I take the point he’s going to be upset when he has £10 to spend when he would have spent £40/£50/£100 or whatever. Fortunate a lot of the things he likes are cheap tbf I don’t really want to give in, think he gets enough tbt don’t want him turning into a brat. Wonder sometimes idk unlikely he’ll have to put the graft in to the same extent I did for the same outcome. I do want to make sure he has a good work ethic instilled in him and think he’s at an age where he can start working towards some things rather than seeing me as some kind of !!!!!! money fountain. Actually big thanks to people on here it’s me who needs to step up with the parenting seen that for what it is left up to wife she’d baby him until he went to uni !!!!!! clueless one of those odd kids that we all met with no idea how to make a sandwich crying for their mummy fml. 

Re res house interesting view points idk what the answer is tbt I think reason I want to get the RR cleared and move is mainly driven by my brain telling me I want to be able to look back and think I was successful when I’m old. Have massive anxiety over the idea one day I’ll buy my last house. Sounds !!!!!! crazy written down but it stresses me out the idea one day going to run out of time to level up. Not just my home, other things too but not quite to the same extent. I’m not going to get into the big in business league that still makes me feel like !!!!!!. Suppose I had some !!!!!! massive confidence as a kid that I’d be successful idk why stupid really but can’t let go of the idea I’ll make it in life entirely. Not care what the wife spends on hairbrushes lol idk probably would now I’m in a different mindset it’s odd.

My options are realistically to double/ double and a bit my mortgage plus the equity I have would get me into a 7 figure place or leave money retained that’s currently personal debt repayments. Retained is most sense 100% but part of me says what am I doing it for really idk I’ve always been so desperate for money that it’s been a question of keeping up with my lifestyle spend 2023 money in 2021 focuses the mind when the payments need to be made I suppose ha. Not even accumulated any new card debt for quite a while, card juggling isn’t anything like it was 0% used but to be in a position I don’t wind up paying interest on anything not even car balloon payment. I’m buzzing for the day I pay that with just a few cards on the 0% to pay after. !!!!!! love it, like I’ve screwed my head on in my personal life for once in my life which I’m sure you’re all laughing at.

Property is not a symbol of success.