First Steps to Solvency

ladyholly

Just make sure "Mummys card" doesnt pay for it. He has to start learning that (a) he cannot have everything he wants and (b) there are consequences if he kicks off about not getting them.

Try to persuade your wife she is building up big trouble for the future if she doesnt start giving some discipline. To have a lovely childhood he does not need stuff he needs a consistent loving home (just like the dog really).  Every parent wants the best for their children but that does not mean giving in to every whim and tolerating violence. Ask most people what they remember of their childhood it is not the things it is the experiences they remember. One or two gifts may stick out as being especially memorable but it is usually the time with parents and friends and the places they went and the fun they had.

When I was your sons age I lived in Germany ( I am a service brat) for 2 1/2 years and the only gift I remember was a dolls house that was made for me but I do remember the fun park in De Efteling and seeing The Palais de Nation in Geneva and playing on the RAF station playground with friends. I could go on but I am sure you get my point. We had very little given to us but have some wonderful memories even over 60 years later.

efes_shareholder

I remember telling my mum to write a cheque when she said she didnt have the money for a pair of trainers I wanted .............kids can all be spoilt brats regardless of whether there is the money in the house to pay for things or not.

If he wants the tree that badly , thats his birthday present solved but I suspect he won't want to sacrafice toys and gadgets for it.

I really hope you and the wife stand united on this one and she doesnt disapear to the shops with him to buy the tree anyway as soon as she is able. 

Kakiste

@alt80 No she absolutely wouldn't! Can I ask what you did when your son was poking you? How did you react? We are both very strict with my daughter (have both taught awfully behaved teenagers- so had an agreement before she was born that we would immediately clamp down on bad behaviour the second it manifested to prevent her being similar) as a result she is beautifully behaved.

You have to be really consistent with behavioural boundaries; I read a book by an educational psychologist a few years back that said that humans have a trial/failure rate of 1/30 (so if we try something 30 times and it works once or more we will see it as a behaviour worth repeating; its why certain children tantrum more and why many adults gamble- if it never worked for them ever, they wouldn't repeat it.)

Hypothetically in that situations (if my daughter did poke me in response to me refusing to buy her something expensive) I would immediately drop the humour/friendly tone I always take with her, stop walking, get down to her level, make constant eye contact and ask;

"Why are you doing that to me? Do we try and hurt/annoy each other in this family? Would you like it if I did that to you?" (Giving her space to answer between each question) At the end of the discussion if she was contrite I would say "What do you have to say for behaving like that?" If she said sorry I would thank her for the apology and move the conversation on. If she wasn't contrite or escalated the behaviour I would immidiately warn her that I wouldn't accept such behavior and if she carried on there would be a consequence to it. 

If she continued (or if she has been rude during the exchange, I would immediately implement a related consequence; (either removal of a possession or more likely the suspension of the walk, returning home where she would clearly be told that her behaviour didn't make me want to spent time with her and I whilst I loved her I didn't like her right now and then I'd send her to her bedroom)
 Only had to do that a handful of times in her life and it's incredibly powerful, leaves her sobbing and within 5-10 minutes on her own she's ready for the re-build talk of "did you enjoy the consequence you caused by your behaviour? How will you act differently next time? What have you got to say to me now?

Sorry for the long post, one other thing was it was lovely to hear how happy you are for tenants who get on the ladder. Nice to think there are decent landlords out there.

enthusiasticsaver

@Kakiste That sounds a very effective way of disciplining your daughter and we did similar with our DDs and now our DGDs. Children need firm boundaries and consistent discipline with opportunities to apologise and a knowledge of what the consequences will be if they do not behave. They also need to know they cannot play one parent off the other so it is important that both mum and dad are singing from the same sheet. This is the problem @alt80 has though in that his mum spoils him rotten and dad is trying to set boundaries. Result is one mixed up son or one who realises he can twist his mum round his little finger but at least PIL are consistent too. 

warby68

I agree with all that's been said about your son - its going to be very hard if you and wife cannot get on the same page and she is most certainly on the wrong one. I know you don't like to be disloyal to her but the inlaws could probably help here if you confide. There is nothing wrong with explaining in simple terms that mummy's card is paid for with the same money either (and that it might disappear if overused). 

Another chicken thigh buyer - lemon, honey, garlic, soy - seared in pan, finished in oven - mmmm

dawnybabes

Parents need to parent and never saying no leads to all sorts of problems down the line, they need to build resilience and learning they don’t always get what they want (and the sky doesn’t fall in) helps them.  

As people have said before you in laws are your friends here ! I’m sure they would be horrified by the demand for a £100 bonsai tree, do they know he’s hitting you both when he doesnt get his own way.  You really do need to get this nipped in the bud whilst he’s small enough too, in a few years he will be a lot bigger.  

alt80

Day 88 - got through the bank hol at the in-laws, didn't get through the last one so calling it a win. No money spent and kept myself to myself, sent MIL to be with her kids and got the salad, rice etc prepped. Tidied everything up for them after, kept me busy, generally away from my wife's siblings / partners; has basically just been a day keeping someone else's house though haha. Did have a comment re EQC from one of the siblings, predictable !!!!!! 'must be nice to be in a load of debt and still buying a £70k car' ha !!!!!! ha type comment idk them and me don't get on. Used to !!!!!! hate my FIL tbf but think we've reached a bit of an understanding generally. Knew today was going to be a bit of a !!!!!! day, is what it is etc son was happy to see and play with his cousins, wife happy and £0 spend with good food so not all bad. Pros must be !!!!!! working if I can see the bright side of that lol. 

Thanks all re son sorry not responding individually but thanks I'm whacked and going to bed asap ha - I don't want him growing up spoilt and like the idea of a seedling. Tbh have spent some time reading about them and I'm considering having a go with a couple of seedlings one for me, one for son. Wife just sees him as a baby. today wasn't the time for parenting tips off the in-laws but the once every thirty thing I can believe 100%. Tbh I just ignored it got home and got a bit of work done think back let him get away with it. Did have a word with wife tonight about it tbf re sticking to the budget. She suggested we could get him the tree as a back to school present, I've told her not happening and if she spends out on it this coming week she can sell something of hers (not already agreed) to pay for it. Took it better than I thought she would but just had all night do I really think he's spoilt. Idk lot of things he likes is very low cost tbf to him but it's the way he is when he doesn't get his own way sometimes. All kids are brats sometimes I know; not great noticing it in your own when off from work though.

Need to have a look at rest of year budget over the next day or 2 thought it would happen this weekend - always seem on the go with family probably because I'm not really used to it tbf.

warby68

You handled the dreaded day very well - seeing the good points rather than bad shows how real your progress is

Glad to hear wife is at least a little receptive to other views about your son. Hopefully you can have some calm discussions about how old he actually is and which behaviours you want to tackle. TBF you will probably be giving your wife the same explanations as you would give your son anyway. I wouldn't make the Bonsai about the money as such - just an inappropriate buy for a 7y old with no bonsai skills as yet. The phone is the same. Right now you can't afford it but that really isn't the point. Even if you had millions washing around its still a daft gift for a 7y old for loads of reasons, not least he's probably too young for any phone just yet unless its a 2nd hand sim free one just for playing games.

RelievedSheff

Glad you had an alright day at the in laws. 

Day 89 today. 

Your wife really seems to be coming round as well. I hope she doesn't cave in and buy the tree.

enthusiasticsaver

Glad you coped with the family BBQ.
 
Even if most of the things your son asks for are low cost I don’t think it is ever good to give a child everything they ask for and never say no to them. It does not lead to resilience as they grow up and they often have a sense of entitlement I recognise in your wife from your posts. I know other children who were spoilt and when reality kicks in as it always does eventually they end up very unhappy as adults. I would think your ex druggie mate is an example of this. No purpose in life, no resilience, lack of respect for others and ultimately selfish.