First Steps to Solvency

alt80

@maggiem yeah I’ve let her down too many times she can’t accept I won’t do it again. Tbh I don’t trust myself or deserve her trust know that. 

Another note fml advent cal pre orders have started already 🙄 - must be earliest yet? 

Legs21

Day 71 ✅ 👏👏👏

Massive well done on getting past your biggest and toughest trigger point. The choice you made to ring the pro’s makes you the best Dad ever. 

There have been a lot of options suggested on how to tackle the wife’s spending. You’re clearly not ready to deal with it yet for fear of adverse consequences and belief that the debt is yours alone. You will deal with this when you are ready. You have enough to deal with as it is. 

Stay strong 😉

warby68

Hey, I know you took it well but I wasn't trying to put you in your box at all. Just trying to express how out of proportion the 'crazy' years were because you get it but your wife doesn't. She is still firmly in princess mode. She can have some nice things just not as many as before. If she (heaven forbid lol) dropped a brand or 2, she could have more quantity but when everything is several hundred as a minimum it has to be less frequent.  I'm not putting you down, quite the opposite - you are a self-made man with income in the top 2% or so but both of you and especially the wife hanker after the super rich spending and therefore don't give yourself enough credit for how very well you've done back in the 'real' world.

Nope, no trouble from husband but he gets none from me. We've always both worked and put in jointly so its very different. No interest in high end fashion ever (thankfully) - pushed the budget a bit at times with cars and hols but only a little. Then we decided to pay for education and that was that! Skint forever.

You are making some brilliant choices now and successfully getting past a lot of triggers. As your self-belief builds perhaps its will be easier to reset the dynamic with your wife. 

Keep going @alt80

getmore4less

Well done on dealing with the mate, it has to be this way.

My OH situation is different and on occasion I have said what I feel at the time, the backlash is short lived, she earns so it not the money more the clutter and space occupied by stuff that will never get used and she know it.

We are both hoarders but she spreads into space that should be kept clear.
We are both working on clearing. (Charity shops are getting a lot of stuff back).



I still think all this I will leave you is manipulative behaviour, she will go off her trolley for a few hours(maybe a bit longer) and cry a lot but then goes back to being supportive now it does not work(result in youe spending).

She has no where to go, even her previous best ally her dad is not happy with these outbursts.

There is still plenty of money allocated to doing important things and personal spending

alt80

Day 72, another one ticked off. Had a long day today time with family and getting some work done - sort of thing that just keeps on !!!!!! hanging around ha so nice to get a bit of that ticked off tbh alongside some time with family. Son has been really tired generally today; didn't have the best night's sleep last night so he was asleep early this evening. No money spent fml would have been unheard of on a Saturday pre lockdown. Stay in the good books with the wife when I choose to spend time with family for the day too win win lol. 

@Legs21 thank you I know I'd be a better dad had I never touched it in the first place but I am where I am I suppose.

Yeah I suppose I think I probably deserve to have to pick up the pieces of her spending on whatever the !!!!!! she wants. Tbh every time I tell her no the guilt is !!!!!! unreal.

@warby68 thank you. I always have wanted more, still do and it drives me tbh but it's hard for me to say to myself I'm doing ok - get to one level and straight onto wanting the next; it can be very draining to never be content. Something I am working on with the pros; being ok with the present whilst working towards the next level. I know things aren't that bad, lot of people in a lot worse positions than I tbh I'm grateful for what I have but eye on the next steps still haha.

My wife I'm !!!!!! convinced she is how she is because she's never really had to work for anything idk it's completely !!!!!! alien to me. Your husband is a lucky man to have that sort of marriage - work together as a team by the sounds of it. I hear you re education lol another thing I didn't properly think through but tbh I'm fortunate to be able to give my boy access to a school he absolutely loves and which provides opportunities he wouldn't have otherwise. Putting two through school though fml you and your hubby must be doing a lot !!!!!! better in life than I am ha seriously it's a !!!!!! massive commitment for one never mind two. Not sure anyone who's not going through it / gone through it quite realises idk maybe just me though. Sometimes I do wonder if my son will ever realise just how much an opportunity he is getting - knows nothing else, been there since nursery lol. Did yours get some exp of both sides of the coin?

@getmore4less thanks mate yeah 100% just how it needs to be - I can't risk it.

I thought we had no massive issue with clutter / hoarding as such here but tbh lot of stuff we've not exactly had value from. Inventories def helped with identifying that thanks mate. I know I don't need to buy much at all for myself for a few years at least quite nice to realise that in some ways actually. Wife doesn't need to but still wants to haha.

You're probably right re my wife and leaving idk where the !!!!!! she thinks she's finding what she's after def not round here and tbh I don't think many would want to indulge her to the levels she likes being indulged in the first place. I love her to bits but it's really !!!!!! wearing me down now.

mark55man

Day 71 - well done mate, and really really strong to say no to your mate.  he'll be !!!!!! but when you're stronger - maybe.  or maybe you won't miss him that much.  I love reading Raymond Chandler (the Philip Marlowe detective books - set in 1930s/40s but still spot on in the human condition), and in one he is talking to an ex-alcoholic about his recovery - I think it applies but in a good way (if it helps you I think the same about work!!)

"You have to get used to a paler set of colors, a quieter lot of sounds. You have to allow for relapses. All the people you used to know well will get to be just a little strange. You won't even like most of them, and they won't like you too well.”"

 
If you are in the mood for it here's a cartoon that comes from a strip I like - a bit geeky - https://xkcd.com/2501/

I love the bit at the bottom and it see,s to fit the debate between us about different ways of understanding things
"even when they are trying to compensate for it, experts in anything wildly overestimate the average person's familiarity (ability to understand)"" 

- as a serious businessman your spreadsheet is expert level and your OH just worried about getting through the month or XMAS at worst 

warby68

@alt80

We did senior school and 6th form only. State primary. 

Importantly for us it wasn't a snobby school, not at all. Very focussed on boys contributing as much as they can. Lots of bursaries and volunteering of all kinds. Very much the ethos that with privilege comes responsibility. Sons do have awareness and mix widely. 

No, we aren't doing better in life than you. Fees were a massive commitment, probably close to half income some of the time. Its why I started hanging around these boards. Never any debt but similar as in a big commitment from income for a long time. Purely our choice though and no complaints at all.

alt80

Day 73 - absolutely smashed it today. Day with friends, got the cars out, Sunday roast out which I hadn't planned but our friends had booked a table so we had a run out to Derbyshire. Absolutely cracking meal and kept it alcohol free. We'll have our roast chicken tomorrow but my turn to organise something for next month - Sunday drive and roast dinner out. My turn to pay too no such thing as a free lunch haha. Managed to spend a bit of time working this evening. Do need to keep it in check I know it's getting a bit obsessive again I'm getting the panic if I do absolutely nothing.

Planning to have a day off in the week and drive son to coast. Wife said I should leave the laptop at my comm office and we should have a day out just the two of us and take the MG, he'd love that but idk it's a very old car - well sorted and I know my mate has done trips around Scotland in it tbf but I'm not sure I trust it. Tbh would prefer my Mrs came and we took the Range Rover, shared the driving and know we're going to get there and back. She made me laugh told me she'd fill the car and can eat in Starbucks on the way (I'm allowed to have the Starbucks card loaded up ha) so I won't need any money on my person fml yeah that's going to go down well son wants a !!!!!! ice cream and I've got to tell him no. First time in a while I thought I do need to get myself some sort of access to my own !!!!!! money haha.

@mark55man thanks mate. That really relates re recovery - I don't read enough really apart from a bit of non-fiction but I really enjoyed a bedtime read and a chamomile tea in bed when I was at the rehab. !!!!!! miss those days sometimes, sounds ridiculous I'm sure but I have never been anywhere so peaceful in my life, no cares in the world it was !!!!!! blissful for last week or so.

Ha I !!!!!! loved the cartoon lol thanks and I think you could be onto something there re my Mrs. 

@warby68 My son's school has a lot of similar opportunities as he goes through the years with bursaries / scholarships etc as the years go on not something I think we will be eligible for though tbh - either from a financial or performance perspective so in my calcs I have accounted for always been a full fee payer. It's likewise not a snobby school ha my mate's kids go to that type of place proper old boarding school £30k+ a year job and he's got 2 kids. Him and his ex-Mrs hardly see the kids term time not a !!!!!! chance my Mrs would stand for that even if I could afford to send him tbh doesn't really sit right with me either for some reason idk why as I do appreciate the opportunities those kids have are next level so def have a bit of guilt I'm not in any position to go down that road at least until my Range Rover is paid for and then tbh I don't think I would. 

As you're aware I've been there for a long time with the large commitments; school and otherwise never known any different personally always been financially stretched. How you finding having the spare cash now they're older? Kept drawing or left retained? Tbh I'm so !!!!!! afraid of having spare personal money I plan to just keep more retained and just take out what extra is needed when I double my res mortgage. Wife thinks I'm sticking with current drawings but I don't see the point when I won't have the Range Rover and credit card commitments. Only feel safe when my personal money in its entirety is committed haha.

BalanceBy50

Alt have a day out just you & your son! It will help with the trust issues he’s having & you will both love it! My boys love it when they get one to one time with either me or DH. For us it’s a bit of a luxury as we both work practically full time but when they don’t have to share me they love it.  Also over time this will become the new norm so you will be able to have access to more money. 

So glad you had a good day today x

mark55man

Glad you enjoyed the quotes.  

I think the Long Goodbye (where the quote was from) is my favourite Chandler book - although they all have their moments.  I would get it on your kindle or get a second hand copy - I think you will relate to it - lot of tough guys and frails