First Steps to Solvency

[Deleted User]

I don't think you need to put the ball in his court - he probably just wants you to make some time to hang out with him

dawnybabes

Deleted_User said:

I don't think you need to put the ball in his court - he probably just wants you to make some time to hang out with him

This.  Go for a walk, play a game, make popcorn and watch a movie, just spend time with him.

efes_shareholder

Parenting doesn't come with a manual , we all get things wrong sometimes.
As a now adult whose dad was pretty much absent from the age of 13 and buggered off to spain with his new family after knocking up the barmaid employed in his pool hall , I can tell you that its never too late to make it right. From the time he left I probably saw my dad once a year at best , he forgot all the birthdays , didn't call for important days ( like GCSE results for example ) and offered his support when my mum had a full mental breakdown when my 2nd child was born only to leave it 18 months to call to ask how I was. It was difficult to process the abandonment as prior to this we had been close and he had embraced my love of football and taken me all around the country to see my team , something we really enjoyed together. By my 20's I'd had enough and pretty much told him a few home truths but you know , now at the grand old age of 47 , our relationship is better then ever because once he realised what a poxy dad he had been and how he left my mum to cope with us , both financially and emotionally ( my sister was a very troublesome teenager) he really put the ground work in to make things right and most of that groundwork was just being there for me. 
We've had many heart to hearts and I've told him he was a terrible person during that time and focused only on his new family ( which then went wrong as said barmaid had an affair with the milkman , but thats karma ) , my mums sacraficed so much for us , gone through such financial hardship raising us and we have taken so much energy from her over the years but my dad is the only person who has ever told me he is proud of me and I can't explain how much that means to me.
I'm having a bit of an early morning ramble but I guess what I am trying to say is , its never too late to fix what you percieve as broken in the relationship with your son. He won't remember if he wore designer labels or was driven in a RR but he will remember kick abouts til the sun comes down , camping in the garden , watching the euro's , all the simple things. Show him affection often and let him know how proud of him you are , give him your time and things will soon turn around - hes young enough for that to not take long and for him not to have much recollection of this period in his life if you do that.
I think your wife and in laws are just protective of him at the moment and want to make sure you are ready to be a positive influence in his life which so early in your recovery is also best for you although right now you may not see it that way.

alt80

Day 8. Been up remaking the fish cakes they are a slightly better shape I’m going to freeze the others. Wife going to have a big food shop for my weekend Saturday dinner and Sunday roast today. At some point I’m going to have to get access to money back somethings like this are frustrating- can’t surprise her lol.

Quieter day on the work but got the school pick up. 

Ultimately people are going to choose to believe whatever they wish but I just want the best for my boy. It’s not about me it’s about doing the right thing for him and I need to work out what that is with my wife, her mum and dad and the counsellors. Anyway today’s plan is to have a kickabout after school, dinner, dog walk and set wife and him up with a film whilst I do the BMW.

Purplelady65

Your son is 7 years old - just a young boy. It’s up to you to take the lead not as you say put the ball in his court and follow his lead! It’s also not the right thing to do to absolve yourself of your parental responsibilities by saying that as his mum and grandparents are better at family time than you therefore it’s ok to be absent as if it was a work situation where you would bring in the pros. To me it sounds an excuse not to put the effort into building a good relationship with your son. He only has one dad - you! You can’t buy in that role from somewhere else. 

A couple of my children’s friends have had dad’s who haven’t made the effort with their kids following family break ups and this has affected them in their teenage years and into adulthood. I don’t think you realise how important it is for a child to know that both their mum and his dad love them no matter what and that they are their number one priority. 

As others have said spending time with him, being around, showing up, taking him out and about to places, and doing activities with him are what he needs. Someone posted a brilliant idea of building a tree house, ropes, slides etc in your garden. That would be amazing for a 7 year old and something you could work on together. 

stymied

Postpone the BMW & watch the movie with them or get him to help with the BMW. Don’t “leave” again,

alt80

@Purplelady65 I’m not making any excuses I just want the right thing for him, that’s all. Ultimately people can to choose to believe what they like and if they think I don’t care about him or love him they’re wrong but that’s their decision. 

Different note I do like the tree house idea my son and wife would like too would keep me occupied away from other stuff and we have 2 big trees in my garden.

@stymied I’m not ‘leaving’ anyone. Plan to get them set up with a film little bit of chocolate, popcorn and nice cold drink. BMW will take me about 4 hours in total tbf could do film then interior and do exterior and Range Rover tomorrow. Got the clothes inventory to catch up on tomorrow. Wife going to do some selling. Usual jobs and make the dinner not a quick job planned there so could do with getting the BMW finished this evening really.

RelievedSheff

It will not be the end of the world if the BMW isn't cleaned tonight. Please make the time to sit and watch the film with your son. It will mean a lot more to him than a clean car.

Jellytotts

You are the adult here and you might not know how best to deal with your son but I can guarantee at the age of 7 he has no idea how it works either. Leaving it up to him to make the moves into how this works is just downright cruel.

Think of the effect that's going to have on him over time, the "if only I'd tried harder to make my dad spend time with me"....it's not his responsibility, it's yours!

alt80

@RelievedSheff it’s not been done for 2 weeks. Right now I’m !!!!!! glad I’ve only got 2 cars haha new appreciation for the wife when she was looking after 3 of the things lol. I’m trying to stay away from the chocolate and popcorn too tbf idk not trying to be a !!!!!! and he probably would like to sit as a family and watch a film idk. Whole thing tripping me off this morning had another look at the fish cakes one I don’t like but I need to get on with work. Can’t do them again really.

@Jellytotts I’m no expert in kids mate so idk see what the wife, her parents and the counsellors reckon.