First Steps to Solvency

Allikat86

This isn’t the right place or medium to discuss such delicate matters, but as a parent I will say this - it’s about showing up, time and time again, over and over. We get things wrong but it is your responsibility as his dad to
really hear him, not avoid the pain that comes from difficult behaviour or from him confronting you. 

Here is the link for Early Help in Nottinghamshire as I mentioned. I think that getting some help to understand your son would give you a new perspective and incentive to get clean. 

https://www.nottshelpyourself.org.uk/kb5/nottinghamshire/directory/service.page?id=c8jgjR4VJI4

SanguineGina

alt80 said:

I know how it looks. Ultimately I just want the best for him and to give him the best chances possible in life. I can pay for him to have a good education and his grandparents are amazing at doing family time. Talking best in the business good at family time here, don’t think the pros would be any better tbh.    ........SNIP....... suppose I’m just trying to say I want the absolute best for him and do acknowledge that I’m not the best for him. Trying to do the right thing. 

alt, if you always hold yourself up to the standard of absolute best, you will always conclude that the absolute best isn't you.  But that doesn't matter because  you don't need to be the absolute best, you only need to be good enough.  You are more than capable of being good enough. 

You said in an earlier post that you are meant to be spending time with your son on Friday, if for any reason that doesn't happen, for your son's well being please don't let it be because you cancelled it.  He needs his dad too, not just his mum and his grandparents.

alt80

I’m trying to do my best that’s all I can do right now take things one day at a time. I’ve chosen not to discuss therapy thanks - still doing it and family is part of that. Trying to really just get on with my life. Very limited access to money so no temptations; focusing on business, finances, my marriage and looking after my home.

Think every parent just wants the best for their kids I’m no different in that respect and yes he’s a big one of many motivations to stay away from the obvious and to sort my personal finances out. Im not saying I want no relationship with him - I do but I want what’s the absolute best for him. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t keep gladly forking out large amounts for money for his education. As I say not really the same as my ex employee but kind of similar - do right thing. 

RelievedSheff

Doing the right thing is being there for him as a father figure.

enthusiasticsaver

I agree with the others.  No amount of money will make up for an absent father to your son.  You need to rebuild his trust in you and I would say that is every bit as important as being there for your wife.  Obviously that should only happen while you are sticking with the recovery programme though.  Glad you have found a system which is working for you now re the finances and having no access to money is best so you cannot spend on stuff you shouldn't

LondonLiz

Alt, a lot has happened since I last posted on your thread.   Relieved Sheff and others are doing a good job of giving you some very tough love.  Listen to it and stop the pity party.

Your son doesn't hate you - you do.  You are projecting your own self hatred on to him. 

He is:  confused, hurt, angry with you, upset at all the changes in his life, anxious, wary & mistrustful, missing his Dad but doesn't know how to tell you. That's a heck of a lot for a little head and heart to handle.

As others have said - you CANNOT buy your way out of this.  Your default response when you can't deal with emotional pain is to "buy stuff".  But paying for his education and other activities is not 'giving him the best'.  Sure it's a good thing to do but the best is you investing in his emotional growth and making him feel safe and secure.  That means giving him your time and attention, listening and sharing your feelings,  and delivering on your promises, over and over and over again.  You made the mess, you have to fix it. Stop finding an excuse to give up because 'he's hates you', and making the breakdown in your relationship his fault.

By the way, I had a pretty shocking childhood and my (alcoholic, violent ) father opted out of our lives when I was a few years older than your son.  I didn't hate my father (then or now) but I certainly felt lots of the feelings I described, and loads of disappointment.  Don't be him.

Kakiste

The vast vast majority of the kids I teach have drug addicts for one or both parents. Five of them actually also have their dad in prison for killing their mum. What continues to amaze me about the forgiveness of children and teenagers is that the biggest daily/weekly behavioural issues we have with them (which is obviously frequent given we are a school for kids kicked out of mainstream) isn't the fact that they've been taken into care and now live in a children's home or that some of them spent their formative years in literal crack houses; it's the fact that their parents cancel contact visits with them- or don't call them when they say they will. 

Showing up for your kid is so important; it's OK to mess up but to push your son away with the idea that he'll be better without you isn't going to be something he wants or thanks you for. It'll be tough whilst you repair the relationship but it's on you as the adult and his parent to push through and give him the stability and consistency he needs.  

amanda_p

Your son doesn't hate you. He has neither the vocabulary or the emotional maturity to articulate what he feels.
Parenting is the hardest job in the world,harder than anything the workplace throws at you and it is relentless. Plus it never ends,every stage just brings a different set of problems to negotiate.
Reality is sitting up all night when they are sick, trying to make them eat greens when all they want is a McDonald's, standing on a freezing cold football pitch week in,week out, watching something you are not remotely interested in  but giving out the right signals. Helping with homework when you really want a relaxing bath. Actually trying to have a bath without a constant stream of interruptions. The sleepless nights,the early mornings.

Nobody is the perfect parent, nobody, all we can do is our best even when it seems the odds are stacked against us.

When he is older your son will remember the same things,playing in the garden,dog walks, just having every day fun. He will not remember or care that you have paid for his education,to him it is irrelevant.
Many years ago when my two were 10 and 12 we went to California and drove along the Big Sur. The boys sat in the back reading, saying this is like Cornwall, are we nearly there yet. The same with the Joshua Tree National Park. They realise now that actually they were really lucky to have had that holiday.
Their best memories ,making a den in a hollow tree in the local park and finding a zip wire in the local woods.
The best thing you can do is just be there. Win back his trust not by extravagant gestures but just by being present. It will take time, he is hurt and confused and the only way he can show it is by lashing out. You are his dad and although he may not show it, he loves you. Just be there for him 100%. It will work out, just give it time.

theoretica

One thing that strikes me is that you sound confident and involved as a mentor to junior employees and young people - but so much less confident when it comes to your own son.  I hope you will find the transferable skills there - perhaps more apparent as your son grows.

alt80

Through day 7. Had a good catch up with staff and spent the evening on the house and a bit on the home office. Also made some fish shaped well sort of ha fishcakes for my son tomorrow - doing school pick up and coming for dinner tomorrow. Completely whacked now, bed in a minute lol.

I do hear what people are saying - I'm not going to pretend I find parenting easy and I do question whether I'm an influence he should have in his life. If I could spend more on his schooling I would - know I moan about it sometimes but I wish I could give nothing other than the absolute best to him. Wife and in-laws are the pros at family time and tbh I usually find passing on to the pros where required = better outcomes. I've got staff who specialise in different areas etc, jobs are allocated accordingly. My wife and in-laws are 100 better at family time than I am, that's the point I'm making - best outcomes usually happen when the right people/ team are doing the right jobs iyswiacf. Whoever said all I know is work and the other is probably about right not really a great influence to be passing onto a kid - I recognise that. I've not really done much else with my life tbh, even when I was a kid all I wanted to do was earn money to have extra spends. Ultimately I just want the best for him and if time from me is something he wants and is going to be beneficial to him I can make time. If it's something that he doesn't want and/ or is not going to be beneficial to him I need to live with that but I think I need to put the ball in his court and follow his lead on it really.