First Steps to Solvency

stymied

alt80 said:

Wife has £140 from an item she’s sold told me she thinks it should go towards the swimsuit she bought idk.

Keep going, you’re doing very well considering you’re still on the come down AND you’re going through intensive therapy.

How about you suggest half towards the swimsuit and half towards the Center Parks spends? Shows you’re listening to her and the money isn’t disappearing into the general pot.

If you do have spare funds then I imagine she would most enjoy choosing for herself. If you buy instead it’s taking away half the fun for her. An extra £50 when she’s about to go shopping with her mum, with a “treat yourself to a nice lunch” would mean more than an unwanted jacket now.

Good luck and try and be kind to yourself.

alt80

Wife put me to bed early but couldn’t sleep. She’s looking after me, doing the family therapy and trying to help me I know she deserves better. Doing the things I should have done for my son’s whole life, I hate myself for the way I’ve lived my life but equally got thoughts about end of lockdown and some stupid idea I could make everything ok buy my wife the jacket, dress her up and put myself further in debt for an AM and forget the whole lockdown/ panicking about the way my finances were going/ thinking I’m a coke addict thing ever happened. Know it’s not the right road to go down. Tomorrow I’ll be back to hours and hours of therapy in the hope they sort my head out for me in the 28 days. Know really it’s not 28 days of effort it’s a whole !!!!!! lifetime of staying away from the stimulants and working on living a sustainable and healthy lifestyle. Treating my family better. I want to do that forget the past, start again, treat them better and be able to enjoy time with my family guilt free. No agonising over whether I’m messing my sons life up etc.

My spending game is shot tbh. These days I get to the point of pressing the trigger and just can’t do it, some sort of spending impotence lol fml.

Actually had a long conversation with my dad about the spending he doesn’t know about the other stuff but he’s all full of I need to put the energy into my family stay away from spending, stick with the budget and planning etc. Fml he’s a massive hypocrite. Biggest one in the business. Wound me off the !!!!!! clock tbh I’ve fell out with him big time.

enthusiasticsaver

Sorry you fell out with your Dad but given he was an addict himself albeit gambling rather than coke I do wonder if you should tell him that this is at least a big a problem as the debt if not more. Especially as your PIL  knows but your parents don't. How did he quit the gambling? Not sure what you were hoping to hear from him but he is right to advise you as he did but obviously it has touched a nerve with you. I do wonder if there is some underlying resentment from your childhood which is at the root of your insecurities. Do you resent them maybe for being so remote in recent years? Your therapist would be able to advise better. As you say this is not a temporary 28 day programme. This is just the start of a different way of living and I don't mean the spending which is a secondary problem to the drugs. 

I think you are wary of spending at all as you are afraid it is a trigger. Considered and reasoned spending is necessary and ok though. I think you should steer clear of high end designer stuff though as this seems to have been the start of your debt problems. Maybe your wife and yourself could agree on certain websites or shops it is ok to visit and avoid others? Someone made a good point about your spending on certain things being out of proportion with your disposable  income. £1500 on a jacket is more than one months worth of your disposable income isn't it? 

alt80

Not a great start to the week I’ve been up most of the night panic attacks etc. Not helping me to run a business or keep on the right track tbh.

@enthusiasticsaver my parents don’t need to know I’ve ever touched the stuff. The one thing that they really hate is drugs, they’d overreact like I’d become a crack addict or something 100%.

My dad stopped gambling just before he moved to Greece, no money and they’d decided they wanted to !!!!!! abroad. No !!!!!! time for family there either of them. We never did family days out etc stuck in their business and going to the races. Said before we got one holiday abroad and a trip to London at Christmas. Yeah I’m bitter about my parents !!!!!! off to some tiny !!!!!! island spending their lives learning a new language and culture and never coming back. It’s all they ever talk about and romanticise to my son to the point he tells me he wants to live in Greece when he’s older. I lost it over that yesterday told him he 100% couldn’t as the UK is no longer in the EU know that’s not strictly true but I don’t want him breaking my wife’s heart moving there mine too tbh. Us kids meant so !!!!!! little to them they couldn’t even stand to be citizens of the same country. Really !!!!!! hurts me they didn’t come to my sisters wedding, my wedding. Couldn’t  even be bothered to come and see my house or my sisters house and she built that.

Not in the greatest of places tbh don’t really want to be reminded I’m not doing particularly well so far as my disposable income is concerned but yeah it’s not quite that bad but it’s not exactly great. 

ryanm8655

Not checked in in a while so not completely in the loop but assuming you have been on the stuff recently?

Sorry to hear that and sorry to hear you are struggling. 

Slip ups happen. Paranoia is a symptom of doing too much of the stuff btw. So I’m assuming you must’ve done a lot...not surprising though, once you slip you’re going to go mad. Like I did with drinking as soon as I was “free” of family control.

Try not to beat yourself up, jump back on the bandwagon and stop trying to buy your way out of your mistakes by making ridiculous purchases for wife. The “dressing” thing and following her around sounds very weird out of context but presumably you and your mate were off your heads on the stuff at the time...

Sounds like you’ve signed up for some kind of treatment? That’s a step in the right direction.

It takes 2 weeks for your brain chemistry to get back to normal after the stuff, you’ve basically depleted your brain of all the feel good chemicals and it takes time to replenish, so you’re going to feel down. Good you’re realising it isn’t worth it. You were bound to slip at some point, pretty sure it’s normal, you just need to learn from it.

EDIT:

Sounds as though you’ve got a lot of underlying issues re: parents and upbringing (I do too so not a judgement thing). It wouldn’t surprise e if this is at the root of everything. I went to counselling for one thing and turned out the issue was experiences growing up etc. And I just had no idea...I’d talk about this at counselling but it’s no surprise you have self esteem issues and value yourself based on material things, plus seek out other ways to make you feel good (drugs), given how your parents are. Again no judgement, talking from experience, though my main vice has been drinking too much over the years...

CRANKY40

Buying your wife the jacket is part of the problem, not part of the solution. It's part of your cycle.....do the coke, act like an idiot and she spends money to retaliate. If I was her those jackets would just remind me of times that I thought had finished for good. Your brain is trying to convince you that going back on the stuff is OK and part of that is buying your wife something that in the past has sort of "permitted" bad behaviour. It's like if you buy the thing you can be bad even though it's the wrong way round to the way you usually do it.

Your wife loves you more than Balmain. Remember the daddy or chips advert? Well if your wife had to choose alt or Balmain it would be alt. Don't give yourself an excuse to do the lemo, if you want to buy her something ask her what she would like and go and choose it TOGETHER and not in Balmain. Tell her you want to break that cycle wide open so it needs to be something else. It doesn't matter how well your wife is dressed by the way on a night out if she is going home to a situation that she dreads. Her Primark/Next/whatever wearing mates may be totally content with their home lives. Stop being such a snob. You can be well off, impeccably dressed and still wish your life was miles away from what it actually is. 

Stop going over and over the past. It's done, gone, finished. You did stupid things but we all have things in our past that we wouldn't do again given the choice. It's what you do from now that is going to count and in your case also what you don't do which is the coke. It would be such a waste to spend the rest of what could be a productive and happy life because you can't forgive yourself for a few stupid mistakes. 

enthusiasticsaver

Sorry to hear you had a bad night and obviously I touched a nerve about your parents. Given that you are so fragile it may not be a great idea to look to them for support. I am sure at some point your therapist would suggest a full and frank conversation with them about your underlying resentment but that goes beyond my remit. For your sanity though maybe don't call for a while until you are straightened out? It sounds like you have good staff so maybe you can afford to spend the morning on the chill app or speaking to your therapist? 

The point about my commenting on disposable income is to get you to get you to see how out of sync the Balmain jacket is with the amount available. Your disposable income is still a lot better than many others and the lack of it is down to spending choices (cars, debts and school) rather than your earning power.

To save you heartache and conflict further down the line when your son is older I would suggest you don't tell him 100% he cannot do something without good reason. He may take it at 7 or 8 but in a few short years he will not and your ability to control him will not be effective. Kids grow up and do what they want and this is as it should be. My neighbours were heartbroken when their son and only grandchild moved to New Zealand but they understood. We bring up our kids to be independent and lead a happy and satisfying and hopefully productive life with good values. That may not be in the same town or even the same country as you.

i hope your day gets better. 

CRANKY40

I've edited my post and removed the comment about your parents. I'm the by product of terrible parenting. My dad died a couple of weeks ago and to be fair covid was a good excuse not to be able to go to the funeral. What I don't understand is why if they're so awful you are planning a trip to go and see them. Personally I wouldn't bother if you feel that strongly. That didn't come across in your earlier posts when you were planning the trip though.

The last time that we went to London I didn't go to see my dad but my sister did. My son knows all about my parents behaviour when I was younger (they are both dead now). As your son gets older you can tell him why you don't want to see yours very often. I always say that the best thing about having awful parents is that you have the best example on the planet of how not to do it when it's your turn.....

RelievedSheff

@alt80 You can't blame your parents for everything.

You might not think that you had the best upbringing but that is no excuse for your behaviour now. Your sister had the same upbringing and she has turned out alright from your accounts.

I don't get on with my parents. I left home at 16 to go and make my own way in life, I couldn't live with them any longer. I have not used that as an excuse for anything, nor have I let it hold me back.

You need to stop looking back, you can not change the past. You have to stop looking for excuses for everything and start to look forward to your future with your wife and son and work out how you can make the most of what you have.

I hope that your therapy gives you some methods to let you see that you are in a very lucky position. 

Here's hoping you have a better day today. The sun is shining after all.

alt80

First day the shops are open and I’m thinking about a walk around JL later fml. Know I don’t need this and need to stay away and on the programme but could just spend a load of money right now. My mate emailed me too, going to AM on Friday I can’t do it know that 100% need to stay on the programme might book a fee earner or something that day so I don’t get tempted to !!!!!! the therapy off and go to Leeds. Def easier to carry on with pre lockdown life than do this first day opening everyone in the shops, wife had her hair done, restaurants open tonight 100% people will be out having fun and I’m stuck in on the programme.

@CRANKY40 I usually get on with my parents really well just don’t like being told by my dad that my spending level is ridiculous and I shouldn’t have got in nearly £100k debt to Land Rover when he’s !!!!!! his finances so much he ended up living in a tiny flat in the middle of !!!!!! nowhere in a foreign country. 100% hypocrisy.