First Steps to Solvency

alt80

Ended up having a really decent Saturday will forget prior to lunch but had lunch, watched the rugby, got out for a massive walk with family and dog. I’ve cooked the food today got our five a day but not as healthy as wife’s options ha. Lunch was Thai style noodles and veg curry basically what was left in the fridge lol. Dinner we had a home made chicken burger with salad and mayo, corn on the cob and a sweet potato. Wife wants to fit in her clothes properly again back on the strength training in a big way but lost a load of strength being on the cutting and still losing weight actually upset she lost now lol. Worked her calories out and also upset she can’t eat that much took her for a Starbucks, ordered her a massive vanilla latte 100% bad but will bring the calories up a bit haha. Used my free drink on it so Starbucks cost £7.30 today. 

Owned up to wife I was getting close to going back on the stuff. Don’t know what’s wrong with me, like things start going well for me and I have a day when I start to lose it everything spirals. She wants me to come to inlaw’s next week. They’ve actually been really supportive I’m just dreading seeing them in person tbh they knew me as being strong and together not some pathetic !!!!!! crying mess. Having to go there is really messing with my head tbf so is Boris’ ‘roadmap’ all getting too close.

@annabanana82 I’m not massively keen on it tbh. Seen a few at AM but only 1 or 2 on the roads. They’re just cashing in but the original RR is best, rest just imitations lol.

@ladyholly I’ve spoken to her about Birmingham and she’s not going her choice ultimately. Tbh I used to send her to the parents a lot of the time. She does miss them but doesn’t need to be both days agreed tbf think the in-laws actually sort of enjoyed the break lol.

@getmore4less thanks mate. Yeah think you’re right. I can get the M&S !!!!!! off next month, would feel a bit of a milestone tbh. Sounds mad but would help a bit mentally to see both those July deadline cards gone.

@enthusiasticsaver thank you and yes it’s that much lot of this clearance was sales tbh so wife deserves a bit of praise for her efforts on that. 

This time last year balances were over £55k can hardly believe where they are myself tbh lol. Not owed this little on cards since I was in my 20s FML.

@RelievedSheff thank you. I’m not becoming a total miser just not had much to spend on in lockdown. Often really envious of your lifestyle tbh. Not that I couldn’t have similar lifestyle, we sort of do when I plan the weekends lots of time with son and dog, good walks etc just don’t think I deserve it a lot of the time battle with my head all week if I deserve to have the time with my family or not. Wish I could sort my head out once and for all.

alt80

@CRANKY40 thanks and yeah that’s what she loves most times with family and fitness, usually combined in some way so she’s happy lol. Her family are massively family orientated was me who made up for being a !!!!!! husband buying her stuff for a long time tbh but she does like the high end designer stuff too. When I’m not around she convinces herself I’m back on the stuff tbh sets her off.

@efes_shareholder thank you. I truly don’t want to do it again tbh it !!!!!! tortures me wished I’d never touched it but just don’t know if I’m strong enough to leave it alone. Ha re bellends 100% FML get enough phone calls from my mate when he’s been on it and I’ve been sober to know what it’s like. Really !!!!!! selfish. I was too know that much. 

Agree re son’s clothing tbh you’re generous I would buy kids stuff from Sainsbury’s ha you can laugh but they have a few decent bits. Interesting point of view and thank you for the insight there. I’m trying to encourage the nails a bit.

RelievedSheff

Sounds like you had a great day and that menu sounds lovely. Far more suitable than just chicken salad. 

Hope today is a good family day for you as well.

I actually think a day with the in laws will be good for you all, for your wife and son especially but also for you. You have to get used to seeing other people again and the in laws are a safe place to start with that.

I think you will get loads of support from them. 

getmore4less

RelievedSheff said:

Sounds like you had a great day and that menu sounds lovely. Far more suitable than just chicken salad. 

Hope today is a good family day for you as well.

I actually think a day with the in laws will be good for you all, for your wife and son especially but also for you. You have to get used to seeing other people again and the in laws are a safe place to start with that.

I think you will get loads of support from them. 

The Chicken burger and salad made me chuckle a bit, mind you we had a mainly chicken week there were some offers.

Agree on going to the in laws even if you sit in a corner reading a book or on the internet posting here its a lot safer than you staying at home.

Seeing some new  faces  and talking to people away from work and cars and drugs  will be good for you. 

Just make sure that by Wed  the rest of the weekend plans around the visit are also in place, we don't want another sloppy week like the last where you leave it till Friday evening to think about it
todays TV will be the F1 highlights from yesterday and today but it is a little late at 8:30pm

You cannot trust yourself to be at home alone and the wife does not trust you either,  not going will make that worse.

ladyholly

alt80 said:
Owned up to wife I was getting close to going back on the stuff. Don’t know what’s wrong with me, like things start going well for me and I have a day when I start to lose it everything spirals. She wants me to come to inlaw’s next week. They’ve actually been really supportive I’m just dreading seeing them in person tbh they knew me as being strong and together not some pathetic !!!!!! crying mess. Having to go there is really messing with my head tbf so is Boris’ ‘roadmap’ all getting too close.

First well done for talking to your wife re your cravings. Of course you will get bad days but thats where your counsellor and your wife come in. Talk to them. You have a long history of drug taking and that wont be solved in 5minutes.
I dont dont think your in laws will see you as a pathetic crying mess and I suspect  they never saw you as strong and together when you were taking the drugs. Remember (and I am assuming they are in their 60, 70s) they lived through the 1960s/70s when there were an awful lot of messed up people around especially the musicians that we followed so after seeing that even if they never indulged themselves they would recognise the signs in others. We  and I include myself in this we may be old but we are not stupid. I am sure they would rather see the real you and as you say they have been supportive so perhaps it is time for a relationship reset. Put on your big boy pants and go and see what happens.

warby68

I agree, you have to bite the bullet here and get on with the life of a family man. I'm 100% convinced that your inlaws will prefer the clean you to the other one and so will pretty much everyone else, except other druggies. 
Big boy pants is a good way of putting it - I get how tough it is after so many years but you have to stop saying idk and its too hard and just do the right things. It won't be as hard as you think and even if it is,  its still better than the alternative backslide. Hiding isn't the answer - new ways of living are. Stop overthinking absolutely everything, just do the right things and it will get easier. 

MSE wise, its perfectly sensible to put absolute barriers to spending in place, for both of you. I think letting wife have unlimited temptation is unwise and another blowout will do a lot of damage to everything. Show some resolve here too. She might sulk and strop but its still the right thing. Your fears make you overcomplicate this. You're scared of a limit as you know she'll go up to it and you  actually want it to be less. You're scared to actually set a small amount as you think she'll leave you (unlikely). You have a complicated budget for her to understand where she just sees pots of money but are expecting a miracle of understanding after years of none. A simple ' here's £500 and there's no more until x date'  is really all thats needed as a first step even if she pouts.

Also cooking and hosting look like good opportunities for you to build your circle again.  Its an inexpensive way to be generous and people easily warm to those who cook for them and welcome them. Its a perfect fit for your skills and in the home you love.  Have a think about it.

enthusiasticsaver

There are certain things which seem to  trigger you into going on a downward spiral and having a lot of time on your own hiding away in your office seems to be one of them. I don't know whether it is because you maybe keep going over figures, dwelling on past mistakes or overthinking the impact that certain decisions have had on your position but these situations are best avoided. From what you have said your in laws are supportive, they want your marriage to work, undoubtedly mainly for their daughter and grandsons sake but you are in the mix too. They are trying to include you so to avoid going back to the past patterns of your wife and son going to them and you and your mate going off on god knows what shopping trips I think you would do better to embrace family life and turn your back on the drugs, the fast car trips and shopping sprees and definitely the druggie mate. I also think that they would not have been fooled in the past and thought you were strong so their opinion of you then may not be the same as you think it was. If they knew you were taking drugs that overshadows everything else. You have done so well so use every tool at your disposal to keep drug free. Everything else will be better for it. 

Also remember just because everything is starting starting to get back to normal and a lot of us are excited about that it does not mean you have to go back to how you were. You have battled your demons and will need to continue with that so if shopping trips in town trigger you then ration them to maybe one a month. Knock that Selfridges idea on the head for a start. 

CRANKY40

So about the inlaws...your wife will be happy because you are going (it's rubbish going everywhere on your own when other people take partners. I know this because my late husband was an officer on a big grey ship and never home for family stuff). Your inlaws will be happy because their daughter is happy and your son will enjoy everyone else being happy. Could you arrange a few "away from family" things to give yourself a bit of space? A walk with your wife and son, a drive round the area, out for a coffee.....that kind of thing. If I was one of your inlaws I'd think more of you for finally shaping up to be a decent family man rather than the absent husband who fobbed their daughter off with shopping trips for expensive tat rather than be part of the family. I don't think that you have anything to worry about.

You really need to realise that as of now you are the new and improved version of yourself. You can't change the past so let it go. Talk to Mrs Alt and see if you can come up with a few coping strategies for the time with her parents in case you do struggle then just go and get on with it. 

alt80

Day 67 today. 

Had another lazy morning after a lot of trouble getting to sleep. Had the audiobook on but my mind wasn't in the right space. Wife let me sleep in, got up at 11am after falling to sleep about 3am lol. Still whacked now. Not done a lot just been for a 7 mile walk and wife tried to kill both of us on the leg day FML - I'll take that's why I'm whacked tonight. Really enjoyed it just getting out with my family. Did have a coffee out again so £10 spent.

@RelievedSheff thanks not gonna lie I made that chicken burger because you keep giving me KFC cravings and I don't need that in my life ha. Had mushroom & mascarpone ravioli this lunch. I'd pretend I made it from scratch myself but it was a packet job from Sainburys ha at least fresh pasta. Steak, jacket potato, flat mushroom, vine tomato and spinach. Made diane sauce too for dinner. Something a bit different to the usual roast.

Don't want to see anyone except for staff and family tbh.

@getmore4less Ate no chicken today mate lol. Probably first time in a couple of weeks though will give you that one.

You're right tbh dreading next weekend meant to be a long one too wife wants me to take either Good Friday or Easter Monday off FML. Going to try to plan something around the inevitable pilgrimage to Shitcliffe need something other than that to focus on 100%.

Wife def has no trust for me, don't blame her for that though tbh.

@ladyholly I speak to the pros a lot feels like I'm going to be in counselling for the rest of my life sometimes. Wife didn't take it as badly as I thought she would, glad I was honest about it I think and yeah it's not going to go away in five minutes. I stupidly sometimes see it as something I need for a boost. Not exactly proud of that tbf.

My FIL has seen plenty of people a lot worse on drugs than I've ever been - he was a social worker during his working life and yeah he knows reckons he knew for years idk probably did. It's my parents who don't know about it.

@warby68 tbh life is a lot better generally when I 'do the right things'. I slip into the 'old life' and tbt don't really think I deserve the new one. Said before my mate no longer married, doesn't see his kids. He's got a lot more than I have, still lost them. I'm worth a lot less idk how I've manged to hang on to mine but should be doing everything I can to keep them but times that yeah it's just too hard. Def overthinking I know.

You're bang on re spending/ wife etc. I'm determined to be more financially sustainable - I need to be there's no alternative tbh I can't face the alternative my business means too much to me and on a complete shallow pathetic level being able to carry on in business, grow, live in a nice house and drive a nice car means too much to me. I couldn't live with losing everything for some years more of mad spending. It's just not right for me anymore but I don't want to be left on my own either 100% that's what I should be dealing with. I shouldn't have a family I know that much. It kills me to think about the past. Do all the stuff for the counselling trying to move on, some days it works but times it doesn't.

I enjoy cooking / food agreed to do Christmas Dinner again ha. 

@enthusiasticsaver It's all that stuff tbh I can spend hours looking at the same stuff. Last week I was into looking at the forecasts I'd made for how many units I'd have had I not been an idiot running different scenarios. Anger levels high and even higher when wife wanted me out FML.

Yeah I need to keep away from it all really. 

@CRANKY40 wife can't !!!!!! wait lol and yeah she wants me there too. I want her and son happy so I'll go. My FIL is being weird with me has been since Christmas, wants to be my mate I think. Tbh rather he went back to the public shaming lol.

getmore4less

Was thinking about the trust issues a bit and realised this is two way you both have trust issues with each other.

If we pick what I think are the two main.

you have to prove to the wife you are not going to go back on the drugs. 
She has to prove to you she won't go off on crazy spending sessions.

These seem to be closely linked, when you go off into hiding that worries her that you will go back on it and triggers her IG and wants , which worries you as you know when you are in hiding that triggers her spends

Your worries about her going spending send you into hiding.

You should have both Good Friday and Easter Monday off, that's what normal people do.

One issue you have with going over things over and over again is you create the perfect forecast with hindsight.
if you didn't get it wrong the way you did something else would have got in the way of the perfect scenario.

I can see in your head, retaining the cash finding the perfect flip getting it perfect in two weeks and selling at a high value immediate buyers rinse repeat,  and then finding those cheap HMO that give 15% gross yields after just a few £k tarting them up.

look at now does not really matter how much you have retained ready to pounce on the perfect property they are in very short supply.


Been watching one near us for a while. ~800sqm D2 use that  went bust, building got sold off by the receivers

Buyers have been playing the long game 
Marketed for D2 lot of interest but overpriced for those that could use it as D2

Sat on it for 18months then  put in planning saying we tried very hard to get someone to use as D2 but not worked
Now got planning for 15 apartments with no parking.