First Steps to Solvency

alt80

@getmore4less possibly right re appetite idk can go a day or two not eating at all on the chang - anorexics dream drug FML. Def not healthy. 

Ha it does sound like you like your food mate. I do too. Going to cook a fry up surprise wife who also likes food when she’s not obsessed with the visible abs haha.

Chicken salad is a proper chicken breast each she’s into the fitness stuff enough that she’ll make sure she gets the protein. 

Sometimes go in M&S so will have a look for the haddock but not gonna lie no substitute for the chippy lol. Food spends for next week are off the cutting but got some stuff to use so yeah agree it’ll go up. 

Ha I don’t even get out of the car when I’ve picked son up with my wife - can’t face them. !!!!!! nightmare tbh dread one of them saying something to my son fairly sure they won’t but yeah some big regrets there look back and think wtaf was I even doing. One of them is a surgeon and about as straight laced as you can get - proper goodie two shoes sort, should have been shocked he even had a beer and there I was thinking they’d all be ready for the next level after a couple haha. Trying to see the funny side but it’s me who can’t face them in person lol.

My wife said I’m turning into a miser haha. Yeah obsessing about the numbers still. Do want my family life to carry on just wonder if it’s too late tbh and worry about my son not given him the best start. Not sure I can make up for it now, hope so. Nothing concerns me more than the damage I have and will do to him having to grow up with me- keep away is harmful but too close and risk him looking up to me. Absolute nightmare biggest reason I didn’t want kids.

ladyholly

There is a balance to be found with family life. Yes your son wants to meet and play with his mates but that doesnt take all day so there is no reason why you cant have time with him and your wife as well. With the people at school, first try getting out of the car when you collect him, dont leave the car but your presence will be noted and then gradually move away over weeks or months so you are nearer other parents. Perhaps your wife could spread the news amonst her friends there that you have given up the drugs etc and are being much more of a family man. Time is the key.

With FiL go to the family events and learn to take the banter. All families do it. When he says something you are sensitive about just smile and agree you were an idiot or whatever. Give them a chance you never know you may find you like them or at least respect them.

Finally stop looking back it doesnt help and is destructive to your well being.

elbree

You son will grow up looking up to you as a kind dad, considerate husband, hard working provider and reasonable boss. You don't need to be all those things all the time though! Every parent has made mistakes. One day you can be honest and help him make different choices. He must be so happy to be spending more time with you, that's good for his self-esteem. Enjoy your walk, it's lovely down south so hope it is for you too! 

enthusiasticsaver

Glad you had some sleep and feel better..

A lot of your problems are I think linked to your feelings of self worth. From the sound of it you had a fairly chaotic upbringing with your dads gambling and your mum constantly working and if they ran a pub presumably very little family time. Once lockdown ceases try for your wife and sons sake if not your own to attend some of the PIL events. They do seem to try to be supportive and obviously you both come from different ideologies but many families have members on both side of the political divide, myself included. It does involve biting your lip sometimes rather than react immediately  I will admit but you have a different working environment to your PIL which seems more traditional and of course you are younger. You don't have to do it every weekend and maybe suggest to your wife that you also have family time just for the three of you over the weekend. You can still do dog walks but further afield and you can take your son out for free or cheap days out in that RR. 

The best thing you you can do for your son is learn to relax a bit and stay off the bad stuff. I think this JV mate is the dangerous influence which is one thing you know you can do without. Sadly I think he needs you to feed his insecurities but you can't help him at the moment without risking your own sanity. I urge you to step away from him. 

Humdinger1

@alt80 can only agree with all the comments above re your body and mind needing to get used to living without artificial stimulus.  Frankly, if AM man withdrew his business, surely that would be a fab result? He's an emotional vampire seeking to destroy the success you've achieved- real success not a drug centred life made possible not by anything he's done but by his parents' dosh.  I'm not someone who views anyone as below contempt, but will happily make an exception in his case.  The sooner he's out of your life the better.  Who the **** does he think he is, demanding lifts to give him an opportunity to abuse you? Mr Big? In his dreams.... please tell him that you think it would be better if he did withdraw his business. Keep going, you're doing a wonderful job Humdinger 

CRANKY40

alt80 said:

I can’t stop thinking I’m going to go, my wife does find someone better and I’ve ruined their family photos being there in the history of their lives forever tainting their 2021 family shoot. 

What you need to get into your head is that "better" is a point of view and that in your wife's point of view YOU already are the better one. She was waiting for you to be the husband that she wanted. The husband that pays her attention and plays with your son. You're slowly turning into that husband and despite both of you having some issues, the solid base for a long happy married life is there. She loves you, she's turned off IG because you're taking notice of who she is and what is better for both of you. Go and do the family photo. They all want you there and in 20 years time, 2021 will be known as the year that you finally gave in and joined the family. Love makes the world go round, give yourself a break here and there....give some and accept some. 

katsu

You are doing so well to make so many life changes @alt80.  Keep working on the counselling and in time you'll be able to move on from the self- loathing to a sense of self- esteem. 

Earning good money is wierd. I feel very lucky how it happened to me but I recognise that many/ most of us with very good salaries do have a work ethic that is comfortable with really long hours and always thinking of work.  You'll not lose your drive but you are moving on to the next stage of thinking - what you want your life to be, how you want to spend your time, not just working.  As things change and lockdown restrictions lift, you can and must keep involved with your wife and son. They deserve and need you to be present with them. It's good for them, as well as you. 

savingmore

coming out of lurkdom....Hello alt....I have followed your whole journey and been incredibly impressed with all the positive steps you have taken.  why am i now commenting?  because I am concerned for your health and your family’s.  I have a background n nutrition.  Your wife, at 5’3” has a bmi of 17.3 which is underweight and more importantly unhealthy.  (healthy range is 18-25).   she wouldn’t get to the bottom of the healthy range until she has put on half a stone.  Many medical specialists say no adult female should be under 7 stone 7 lbs as that low weight is likely to mess with her hormones and menstrual cycle.  I am shorter than she is, at 5’1” and am 53 kg (8 stone 4lbs).  I would like to lose another 500g to get to my fighting weight, but would not go under that.  I am a size 10, which is petite.  if I were to lose more I consider that unhealthy.   Even I would struggle with just having a chicken breast and that small amount of salad.  It’s certainly not healthy for you or your son or her at mo.   It would be fine if you had a jacket potato or other carbs with it, or added in different salad ingredients like someone else suggested.  Please go out and have some fish and chips, or buy some other food to supplement what you are eating.  Pull down your lower eyelid and see the colour inside.  is it a nice healthy red, pink or nearer white?  if it’s not a healthy red colour, you are probably anaemic, and you need to be concerned over your iron intake.  a good multi vitamin and mineral tablet could be a start, but a nice juicy steak would be great too. (this is probably why you are so tired).  when you go away for your anniversary, you can order one then! concerned for you all.  you need a decent, healthy diet in your recovery to give your body the best chance of supporting you in your amazing 46 day detox.  this is so impressive, don’t give up now!

enthusiasticsaver

I think still you need to think very carefully about paying out £2.7k for a scan given that if the cocaine usage has damaged your neuro system there is not much they can do about it short term.  Drugs will not have any effect and you could develop other addictions and there is no surgery which will repair damage.  I think you need to see a doctor about any symptoms you are having but I would think that 46 days is not long enough for the drugs to be completely out of your system let alone reverse any damage done by long term usage.  Will knowing there is some damage make you feel better or worse? If you are feeling better by eating better and sleeping better that is an indication that this is the root cause of your health problems along with the withdrawal symptoms of the drugs. You should definitely speak to your counsellor before booking it not only because of the financial hit but what you do with any information the scan throws up.  

Grumpelstiltskin

Two things to remember this week, take your son to get a Mothers Day card and present ( will probably have to be a supermarket )
When you set the sunflower seeds take loads of photos from him opening the seed packet to putting the seeds in the pot etc.