First Steps to Solvency

Purplelady65

Congratulations on your progress and keeping off the substances despite the temptations. That is a real achievement and something to be proud of.

Re your wife you say she hasn’t grown up from the age of 20 but her behaviour makes her sound even younger than that - a very young teenager. She seems very immature and gullible and also very high maintenance both emotionally and materially.  It sounds as if over the course of your relationship you have developed a parent – child relationship rather than an adult – adult relationship. You take on all the responsibility as a provider and shield her from the debts, she behaves like a child to get what she wants and you indulge her. At least you can now see that giving yourself panic attacks to buy a pair of shoes to impress strangers on IG and a holiday chosen for its IG photos is not a way to live. Also in the mix is you buying your wife expensive gifts to make up for poor behaviour. You now recognise that is not a healthy relationship but would she?  

A couple of posters have suggested couple’s counselling which could be the way to go but maybe at the moment not the right time. I think you have enough going on sorting out your own mental health problems, improving yourself as a person, keeping away from the substances and sticking to a budget plus lockdown and / or release of lockdown brings additional stresses. Couple’s counselling could potentially cause some turmoil if you’re working through painful issues so maybe something to think about in 6 months time?

Going forward one of the main ways that your wife is going to mature is if you change your behaviour towards her and treat her as an adult rather than as a child. As far as the budgeting goes as myself and many others have suggested a current account each with a limited budget in each month for personal spends could really help your wife in terms of having some responsibility and accountability re budgeting. At the moment you are keeping a running total from one larger pot but I don’t think this helps your wife to mature. By having her report spending to you and you controlling the numbers you are continuing to infantalise her. You said you wanted to know what she was spending the money on but I don’t really see what difference it makes if she decides to save up for the Air Pods she wants or buys ten palettes of CT so long as she sticks within her personal allowance. On another thread you’d said that having a budget of £250 a month for personal spends was such a paltry amount that you wouldn’t even bother. However the spend that you and your wife identified a couple of weeks ago for the rest of the year (10 months) is actually less than that between you as a  monthly figure (not sure why you’d shown it as a rest of the year figure as your income is monthly) £284 for her and £165 for you = £449 (£224.50 average between you).

I think there is a lot of growing up for your wife to do so she can become the best version of herself. It sounds as if your wife lives in a very small world if it consists only of her immediate family and a few friends and she has ended up completely divorced from what the real world is like. There is also something about her values and beliefs as she seems to value money over anything – this talk of finding someone else the only criteria was that they were very wealthy nothing about the person! Funny, kind, generous, thoughtful, academic, hobbies, interests  – none of these attributes seemed to figure. I do think work provides an opportunity to not only earn money but to meet people from different backgrounds but also to grow as a person through education, learning and development opportunities. I think voluntary work, just anything, to get her into contact with other people could make a big difference to her outlook on the world. Although your wife is reluctant to work would she consider working on herself through personal development? There are plenty of books around but I am thinking of coaching here – maybe a life coach to focus on increasing her self-awareness, looking at life goals, personal challenges e.t.c. could really help her. I’m a qualified coach and as part of my role coach within my organisation. It’s a slightly different focus to life coaching (although there is quite a big overlap) but it’s really great to work with people and through the coaching see them grow and develop particularly when they have a light bulb moment which can completely change their perspective. It could potentially be a really worthwhile investment – more so than a pair of shoes e.t.c.

Finally, I do not think you have anything to apologise to your wife for re the finances. You have both been in it together and this is the world you have created between you. Plus you apologising just reinforces old-fashioned stereotypes that the role of provider is all on you which in this day and age it definitely isn’t. Have you had conversations between you as to why she thinks this?  I find this viewpoint really interesting given her age.

 

alt80

Thanks all, 31 days tomorrow will be the milestone for me - full month and planning to take son through the Maccys drive thru after our walk ha. Amazes me how much he loves that lol. 

Never going to be a saint with money I do know that and I do know I’ll have a lifestyle but within my means definitely the way forward actually quite looking forward to that. Forward planning less impulse and buzz but def feels better when you get the toy, been there before with stuff I’ve bought in the past not stressed about it and enjoy it more. Mad idea I’ll walk in Land Rover 10/15 years time for a new Range Rover yep never learn ha but know 100% more than covered not stretching my finances all the time for lifestyle I’ve done that as much as wife 100%. Same idea to have an AM without the stress no more levelling up on credit, earn it first. 100 will use finance haha can’t totally keep away from the debt life I can’t but not in this way. Way I’ve been living sort of thing someone with no mind for business does ha - get their money and spend it all on !!!!!! lifestyle stuff making !!!!!! move after !!!!!! move until the whole !!!!!! lot implodes. I need to forget about having a lifestyle for a bit I’m ok with that can do it, keep writing the wish list and review for when it’s the right time, like that and not desperate for anything. Keep reinvesting the retained and team on board portfolio will grow 100% and not making stupid decisions - have those checks and balances in place. Even thinking get my res mortgage paid let that tick by until the end of the term just renew fix only mortgage I’ve got or ever will have on repayment lol may as well buck the trend completely and actually pay the !!!!!! thing off ha - not be desperate to release equity into deals. Likewise no stupid portfolio refinances in the future when my LTV a bit better to fund my lifestyle either. Complete break from the personal and business getting mixed up. Always have hated it when it has happened in the past tbh usually to keep my BS lifestyle going in some way. Reap what you sow might actually get there in life who knows. 

Re wife not really sure if me working this stuff out moving on maybe too late for saving it but I can’t turn a blind eye to finances/ other self destructive stuff any longer and I’m not going to lose everything I’ve got for a few more years of a life that was !!!!!! killing me anyway. My fault really but 100% not worth it. Don’t really know how to progress not even sure I want it anymore tbh idk not in the right mindset to consider it at all today park it for a few weeks same approach lol. I’ve asked her to do the counselling just get it’s me with the problem.

Four_Seasons

I cant help but smile when reading your post, after all the ups and downs its 30 days!! thats wonderful you are doing amazing.

KxMx

Alt I found myself realising a few years ago I had an unhealthy relationship with my mother, however it was not all one sided we both definitely had a part to play blame wise. Yes I did too much running around after her, but also yes she sat back and took it for not good enough reasons. 

Likewise this isn't all on you. You did indulge her but she was an equal partner in asking/expecting/taking that indulgence.

It's very difficult when one person then changes, because the other person can't understand why they are not getting their own way any more, and kick up even more (in my experience) in the short term. 

I also want to say congratulations on how long you've been sober and enjoy the Mcd's & walk with your son. 

RelievedSheff

Provided the finance is budgeted for I don't see a problem with financing a new vehicle provided that it is properly budgeted for and is affordable and not stretching the family finances too far.

getmore4less

Cracking 31 days tomorrow is great I should have kept a count of my beers to compare, definitely over the Ton.

You will know when you have smashed the cars when you go into the showroom for another one and walk out because they won't give you a big enough discount for CASH

getmore4less

found your perfect footballer outfit.(lucky out of stock)
every time you have a budget discussion you could put it on.

1966 Soccer Hero Costume

even comes with the Bobby Charlton wig
.

alt80

I’ve shocked myself tbt re the sober month ha. Don’t quite know why I used to do this but used say to people and even write on here ‘I’m not a massive drinker’ all the time !!!!!! knows why ha but yeah always have liked a drink, did drink more than I let on to people tbh not to the point of it being a big problem or anything but feels good to have cut it out for a bit. Bit like the chang always used to say I wasn’t massively into that but 100 I’d be the first one doing it discounting my JV mate from that he’d have already got to that level before even going anywhere ha FML. Actually seriously considering doing AF year sort my head and save some money lol. Sure that’ll give @warby68 a laugh after my ‘100% you’re a teetotal’ comments haha. Will see how I feel end of this month first but can do alcohol free February, actually do have a degree of self control when I want. 

@getmore4less ha FML and re car don’t think I’m going to be someone with six figs sat about doing nothing mate but who knows ha.

ryanm8655

ladyholly said:

First very well done on 30 days. A wonderful achievement with all the other stuff.
I don't have anything to say about your wife other than I hope she has taken on board the possible budget her mate is working on and how much better hers is. The mate sounds like a jealous b*****  whose main aim is to sabotage others relationships to make hers seem better.  Over the weekend sit down with her and try to make her understand you love her, want to be with her but cannot continue to put up with her trying to drive you away or sabotage your efforts to break the budget so you can all have a more sustainable life when the debts are gone with some of the treats you are all used to. 

1000% this.

31 days tomorrow, genuinely got a happy endorphin rush and smiled at that. About someone I don’t even know on the internet ha! But genuinely, what an achievement.

Agree on the parking wife things, keep thinking and assessing, keep up the counselling, keep up the no substances and you’ll get to other things when the time is right. Nothing rash should be the order of the day, carry on taking things a day at a time for now.

Edit: to add that I know some of my responses go against the “nothing rash” advice...But I tend to reply furious and in the heat of that fury

RelievedSheff

alt80 said:

I’ve shocked myself tbt re the sober month ha. Don’t quite know why I used to do this but used say to people and even write on here ‘I’m not a massive drinker’ all the time !!!!!! knows why ha but yeah always have liked a drink, did drink more than I let on to people tbh not to the point of it being a big problem or anything but feels good to have cut it out for a bit. Bit like the chang always used to say I wasn’t massively into that but 100 I’d be the first one doing it discounting my JV mate from that he’d have already got to that level before even going anywhere ha FML. Actually seriously considering doing AF year sort my head and save some money lol. Sure that’ll give @warby68 a laugh after my ‘100% you’re a teetotal’ comments haha. Will see how I feel end of this month first but can do alcohol free February, actually do have a degree of self control when I want. 

@getmore4less ha FML and re car don’t think I’m going to be someone with six figs sat about doing nothing mate but who knows ha.

This will be our 4th day without a drink and I am ready for cracking one open tomorrow after work   

You have done brilliantly to get to 30 days.