First Steps to Solvency

alt80

@kayannie ha don't think there's anything to be jealous of about my life but thanks for the vote of confidence lol.

@Purplelady65 Yeah know what you mean about some people being radiators and others drains haha, only really got the drains left apart from wife and a couple of others accept that's 100 down to my past behaviour. Tbh either he needs to accept I'm not the person dealing with his portfolio or something going to have to change tbh. Not nice to do to a mate but can't undo the past 20 days by meeting up with him 100 I can't trust myself around the stuff tbf which is my problem rather than his I accept that. Yeah he doesn't see his kids often - can afford for his kids to go to a better school than my son though. 

@getmore4less Re mate fees are reasonable and not favourable because he's a mate. Don't really want to go down the road of 'b*tch tax' ha. His parents and their plans for succession none of my business mate. No other siblings, they lose all reason when it comes to him most spoiled only child ever, 100 they still buy him 'toys' at 40. As I've said before living the !!!!!! dream and doesn't realise it.

Tbh I more fall into the net position category too - that's how I work in business and finding that easier to apply to the personal. I need to have a sit down with the figures, work out next steps and stick with it unless something changes that I need to review. Plan what's happening rest of year too in terms of spends - need to come to terms post-lockdown we are going to do more as a family.

I also hate overpaying for the debt in terms of interest - always have been like that unless I've been on the stuff might have constantly been in some debt for stupid things but it better be at the best rates some odd concept of value for money haha. Already significantly overpaying the minimums on the cards - rolled the old minimums and mortgage saving into the new payments on the remaining cards. My utilisation is decent even with a couple of the redundant accounts gone - I can get easy access to the good 0% deals - know that's not a guaranteed forever but what is guaranteed if I wind up refinancing the balloon with Land Rover that payment will be interest baring at a !!!!!! rate - know that as it's what I did with the Sport previously.  

@ladyholly I know, it carries on may have to review tbh. 

Re son, you're 100 right. I'm usually quite strict about what my son has spent on him. Yeah know that sounds contrary to my general attitude but I want him to know he needs to work to have nice things in life, wife just lets him walk all over her tbh and she's not really like that with anyone else. Her parents even tell her she indulges him too much, I tell her and her siblings do, she even knows it herself and gets upset with herself about it haha. Same with the dog lol though working on that and he's getting better told wife she keeps feeding him the !!!!!! treats he'll be massive and potentially have obesity related issues, need to be stricter that got through after an hour of her crying she doesn't want a fat dog ha !!!!!! hilarious.

alt80

@Humdinger1 ha 100 would not describe me as 'an inspiration' to anyone lol but thanks.

Can relate to losing good mates for similar reasons, so yeah no doubt there.

@enthusiasticsaver coming to similar conclusions re life too short tbh.

Re son - it does concern me tbf she knows that. Concerns wife too actually. She just wants everything perfect for him - fairytale ha. I get that but quite aware life doesn't really work like that lol.

ladyholly

Life isn't perfect and he may as well learn that now while he is young. A thought re the dog. Does he like running and if so have you heard of canni Cross (sorry not sure of the spelling). It involves running with your dog. I believe there are clubs for it and thought it might appeal to your wife when we are allowed out. It might give her some more friends that don't think spending is the be all and end all. Might be worth you looking into it. It would also stop the dog getting too fat. 

Legs21

Just tell your wife if she keeps buying your son everything he’ll grow up to be like your druggie mate, spoilt, entitled and looking down on everyone around him. She’ll soon stop!

ryanm8655

alt80 said:

Got a better sleep than in a while 1/7ish. Had breakfast and did workout back on it. Not sure what’s different this time. Probably because I’ve chosen to engage with all the help and not make promises I’m not sure whether I can keep but 20 days today since I’ve touched the stuff or had a drink. I don’t want to remain in contact with a few mates who are destructive for me. Keep working on my marriage instead. Not their fault or mine but a lot of guilt about potentially binning people from my life post lockdown. Although think I need to.

Not sure I can carry on managing my mate’s portfolio long term - he expects me to meet up during lockdown never mind after.  He called me late last night wanted to know if I was going to keep on the ‘boring’ road or meet up, holding the fee earners over me 100% wasted sniffing it whilst on the phone actually made me feel ill thinking about it lol. Nothing to do with business just wanted to !!!!!! with me, told him to speak to one of my staff who actually does the day to day management in future. 

100 he just wants to get wasted and make me feel like !!!!!!. Not saying I don’t become an arrogant !!!!!! on it because I do but def struggle to deal with him when I’m entirely sober ha shouldn’t have said something I did basically told him to see where he gets starting from nothing rather than on the take from mummy lol. Worked hard for what I have and any opportunity he gets he has some comment to make last night it was him only doing me a favour by ‘giving’ me the portfolio management as he knows I’ve ‘always been a bit hard up’ and he ‘doesn’t like to see a mate struggling to get by’. I don’t need the work from him and have really tried to point him in the direction of the person who looks after his property but he won’t speak to them, never did. Will only deal with me and that’s nothing but an excuse to come round here for a few days. Sounds mad but I’m seriously considering whether the revenue from his portfolio is even worth it or if I need to step away from dealing with him altogether. Deal with the parents every once in a while, they’re totally different - lot of respect for them, his dad was a bit of a mentor to me, still is when we speak but he’s getting on in years struggling with his health now don’t really like to disturb him and the son is meant to have taken over from the mum and dad but hasn’t quite worked out really. Know the parents worry about him terribly. He calls me a lot - got worse since I told him I was concerned about my use of the stuff and needed time away from it and from deals made after sniffing it, need and tbh want to be sober. Calls me most days tbh wasted trying to meet up. I’m concerned for him as a mate tbh so complete guilt fest there ignoring his calls ha. 

Wife can’t even stand to listen to me say his name, feels he’s not been a good mate she’s right in a lot of ways. Threw him out once remember her saying to him if he thinks we’re such scum why doesn’t he just leave our home and lives for good. Kind of wish he would tbt lay awake last night after wife had fallen asleep thinking about this stuff right now I feel very grateful for what I have, it means a lot to me kind of good to admit that- don’t feel the urge to spend so much if that means I’m a nobody, it’s a better way to think than always being envious of the next level and the one after etc I think.

@getmore4less / @enthusiasticsaver thanks both need to have a think about best way forward with debt maybe it’s best way for me rather than best way full stop? 

Dreading end of lockdown the more lockdown goes on feel like I’m safer not having the world open to me just have work and family. 

Agreed re £70 in the garden centre 100 that was wife not being able to say no to son. She gets upset about it worries he won’t love her anymore lol.

Ha know what you mean about the living with parents tbf he's been married, got kids but doesn’t see them. Always lived there though won’t leave waiting for the inheritance ha. 

Good move on telling the “mate” what’s what...

And have to agree you have nothing to be jealous about. Also wouldn’t feel guilty, people need to want to help themselves and he clearly doesn’t want to. Just wants to drag you down with him.

Directing him to your staff is a good move. If he takes his business elsewhere then so be it. It doesn’t sound like an efficient use of your time to be spending your time dealing with it if someone cheaper and more junior can do it. That’s without considering the self destructive side of things that leads to poor decision making and ruins your personal life. Definitely negative NPV there. A hit worth taking.

You should be proud of yourself for that. 

I’d also add that your mate is a warning sign of what a life of entitlement and being spoiled and never having to work for anything breeds.

An old acquaintance of mine had a serious accident (actually met him because we were in the same rehab unit - I also had a nasty crash). He got several million in compensation but just sat at home doing coke and drinking all day, the only place he’d go was the casino, put £20k on red while I watched in horror ha. I was young and, fortunately, relatively sensible at the time so would just tag along and drink. Used to think he was lucky as didn’t need to work but having all that money on tap destroyed his life really...sounds a lot like your mate in the way he’d act after the stuff as well. Not seen him in about 10 years...wonder if he is even still alive tbh! 100% wouldn’t trade his life for mine and would 100% rather be you than your “mate” and not just saying that to blow smoke up your !!!!!!...

Purplelady65

@Purplelady65/ @FootyFanDan possibly struggling with this family days thing a bit as tbh weekends used to be send wife to in-laws with son and go into town. Not £10k in JL every Saturday lol but either hit the shops or meet up with my mate I was going to do JV with. Didn’t really do family stuff, she did it with her mum and dad haha probably another reason in-laws hate me. My son really likes me being around tbh think it’s better for me too and actually do enjoy it just don’t get the same buzz.

I sensed a reluctance from you to engage in this. I'm guessing this is totally out of your comfort zone if you've spent the last seven years or so 'sending' your wife and son to your in-laws on a week-end. I'm assuming with your parents being in the pub/ restaurant / B8B business that week-ends were spent working so maybe it wasn’t a big part of your own childhood. You say you don’t get a buzz out of it but I'm wondering if you're dismissing it all before you've even started as I think you said the pumpkin patch was your first trip out which was only last October. I'm not sure what you mean about a buzz? Do you mean that you got a buzz out of shopping and meeting your 'mate' which is how you used to spend your weekends but not with your family? Maybe look at it in a different way and see it as an opportunity to make your wife and son happy rather than yourself so you might not think you're going to enjoy something but actually it's worth putting the effort in and giving it a go if it will make them happy. I think you might surprise yourself and actually enjoy doing fun stuff at weekends once we're out of lockdown. I think it would be a good distraction at week-ends to think about something other than work, debts and guilt. Plus I'm sure if you'd spent your day on all the rides at Alton Towers or whizzing along the fastest zipline in the world (it’s in Wales  - it looks far too scary for me but I would think it would be right up your street!) it would give you something else to think about at night rather than currently lying awake mulling over your past decisions. Yes, it will cost money but you can mix up cheaper days out with more expensive ones. A work colleague is married with three children and has a lot less money coming in every month than you but they do something every single week-end as a family. They mix free stuff e.g. beach, countryside walks, child friendly museums with low cost stuff e.g. annual family pass for the National Trust with more expensive stuff e.g. theme parks, zoos, sea life centres, weekends away, camping, holidays abroad. They are great at planning ahead and looking our for offers on entry prices so it can be done. Also I'm sure the in-laws don't hate you as a person, it's probably your behaviour they have not been so keen on. It was only Christmas Day that your FIL said he was proud to say you were his son-in-law.  

You are starting to sound a lot more positive about your life which is great. You've started to appreciate what you have got e.g. your house and recognise that your hard work and effort has got you there. You're recognising that some people are having a negative influence in your life and doing something about that as well. It's good that you have the self-awareness to recognise that some of your 'friends' could tip you off balance and that you need to distance yourself from the 'drains' for your own self preservation. You’ve also recognised some ‘radiators’ so maybe reach out to them as well. 

Tip when not sleeping well - never look at a watch, clock or mobile when you are awake and keep them out of your reach. If you need an alarm then move it to the other side of the room. Then you can't calculate how long you've been awake for or how many hours sleep you’ve had. It's a psychological thing to then think the next morning ‘I'm really tired, I’ve only had 4 hours sleep’ whereas if you don’t look at a watch or mobile you can't calculate it and will feel less tried if you say to yourself ‘I was just awake for 30 minutes in the night’ (even though you might know it was for longer you can't quantify it) 

strawb_shortcake

When things are back up and running you could pick an activity from group on, they are cheap a mix of activities so you could do something different based on what's on offer. 
You also have the Bear Grylls adventure place near Birmingham, they quite often  have half price offers and I guess not too far from you. 

We are meant to be trying indoor parachuting when allowed - not looking forward to that much!

Canoeing and Kayaking can be really reasonable too if you shop around and expensive if you don't, its triple the price to go in Bristol docks compared with Symonds Yat which is more picturesque 

alt80

Kept busy today working and away from the booze etc this evening. Did have JV mate on the phone again three times FML was meant to be reading to son at his bedtime first time but had to listen to mate banging on about his ex and what he'll do to any bloke that goes near her - he won't do !!!!!! all just chatting !!!!!!. Second time two !!!!!! crazy conversion projects - commercial to HMO in a secondary at very best location ha. !!!!!! madness but he's obsessed with buying at the moment something to do for him tbf, goes through phases of buying units, gets the parents to give him the cash does the conv then refinances. I get stuck with the management of some of this dross he buys on the chang when he inevitably can't sell it lol. Does have a lot of good comm and res units tbf, I'd probably do time for that portfolio ha. Look at it sober 100 I've always envied him being able to buy units to refurb without the !!!!!! commercial bridge rates to deal with, big !!!!!! res home and a fair few nice motors over the years but def not good for me tbh was going to have a sit down with the spreadsheet work out focusing on cards v RR balloon but not happened as he's been on and off the phone and why I'm still up now.

@ladyholly just looked at the canine running thing - he loves running and runs beside wife really well actually. Wife got the ongoing foot arch thing having physio for it but it is getting a bit better and she's started some short runs again. 

@Legs21 yeah not the life we want for our son tbh, not the life we want for ourselves him still living under our roof at my age lol. 

@ryanm8655 I know where you're coming from mate tbh wish I'd not picked the phone up. Not sure who else would deal with his BS but yeah I'm not feeling massively bothered if I lose the work because I won't meet up with him and get wasted just not worth it for me tbf.

Yeah the guy who got the compensation does sound somewhat similar in attitude my mate likes the casinos too, not my scene can't even face it wasted so no idea what he's lost gambling but probably a fair bit. Do worry he's going to kill himself tbh one of the main reasons I answer the calls despite telling myself I won't. Know how I am on the stuff - he's a bit different off it, less arrogant. Suppose I kind of hope he'll call me up decided he wants to stop the self destructive behaviour and we can get some units bought (good ones, thought through in a good state of mind). With the capital he's got access to and the experience, he could turn what's something already good into something amazing - want to see him succeed mate, just needs a bit of a push in the right direction and think maybe I can do something good for once in my life who knows. Not just for my own gain though that'd be nice. Idk wife thinks I'm !!!!!! mad even speaking to him ha and he carries on this road, I'm not sure I can continue speaking to him not going to meet up can't trust myself even when lockdown done, not worth it for me. All being well he'll decide he needs to stop it but yeah I know it comes from him no one else. Still doing something towards the counselling everyday I am, long road and you were 100 right about just taking each day at a time. I'm doing that.

@Purplelady65 / @annabanana82 Yeah not much family time in my childhood ha parents always working, sister and I were a bit feral in some ways haha. Only time I remember us doing something as a family was holidays and one weekend trip to London every December so probably right re it being an alien concept 100 out of my comfort zone tbf. Used to get a buzz out of driving and the obvious ha. Maybe just need to stop chasing a buzz all the time, enjoyed Sunday no buzz but had a nice time, that should perhaps be enough.

Never really considered spending a lot of time with family before lockdown 1 and can't count that as days out - 1 walking trip a day within government guidelines ha so the pumpkin trip was one of the first times I've done much with family at the weekend. The planning ahead sounds like a lot of effort tbh and perhaps because I'm not that bothered about doing it I cba to plan for it weekend rolls around and massive guilt fest wife wants me away from the work but I know the work is better for me than the chang. Used to enjoy planning holidays etc so not like I haven't enjoyed that type of thing before.

Really trying to see the positive tbh cbt possibly working ha - thinking about looking at things in a different way. It's good.

On subject of sleep need to try that myself now drag myself to bed rather than another hour in the home office lol.

enthusiasticsaver

Why are you still answering phone calls from druggie Guy who sponges off his parents? Sounds like a wasted evening for you. 

enthusiasticsaver

Also 20 days sober is something to be celebrated. Well done. Someone once told me it takes 3 weeks to change a habit. Not sure if that is true but hopefully it will start to get easier for you soon. Not talking to negative people will help. Is there any good positive mate in your life who doesn't do drugs? Can you re engage with any of them if the friendship dropped off due to you using? Just a quick message to say Hi and ask how they are doing? Your wife sounds like she is being really supportive.