First Steps to Solvency

enthusiasticsaver

It sounds like you are spiralling again so be kind to yourself. We obviously don't know you but someone who is as self aware as you are cannot be as bad a person as you make out and you definitely do deserve a family, everyone does.

You both struggle with gifts etc and thinking that expensive gifts means love and making up for bad stuff you have done.  That is not a healthy attitude to gift giving and the sooner you get away from that (both of you, not just you) the better it will be for your son too.  Do you do wish lists?  I am not a fan of buying or receiving tat or unwanted stuff so we often gift money to our children so they can buy something to treat themselves and they have wish lists on amazon and my DH and I both have wish lists for gifts for each other and our family. Whilst I know some people do go overboard with Valentines day we don't as my birthday is a few days before that.  It does not have to be a big thing.  Don't get sucked into the commercial factor of it. 

getmore4less

I did the Sunday fry up. 

Sausage, bacon, onion, tomato, eggs, fried bread(not been shopping so no mushrooms).

Sat stuffed with a cup of tea  mix of falling asleep, watching TV and posting on MSE. 

Four_Seasons

Now just hold on, you are not a bad guy, I have read your diary from the beginning, all the ups and downs and what shines through when you are not using is that you are a very nice caring hard working guy who totally deserves his loving wife and son.  What makes you think your wife and son would have a better life without you?  they both love you to bits, otherwise they would have been long gone, try and give yourself a break, you are doing so so well not using, I for one am cheering you on!

ryanm8655

alt80 said:

Ive ran all the figures on the BMW, every scenario - know the right thing to do is to say bye and get another car through the company. I just can’t make the call and wife thinks we should leave it for a few months- mainly I think she’s concerned I’ll go on the sort of spiral that I did over the ftype. Just another thing I can’t make the right call on. I won’t be able to pay a directors loan back in time if used to clear all the cards. May be able to if I just clear the two due in July though - will run the figures thanks. Other option is the 0% purchase. Won’t buy stupid stuff with it. Wife and I check the account and Amex spends card every evening together so she can see I’m not spending money on coke. Want her to be 100% sure I’m not doing it.

Caught myself slipping into the bad kind of thinking tbh this morning when I made my wife and son breakfast. There are days I don’t feel I deserve to enjoy food with my family, this morning I didn’t eat. Knew I made it into a punishment cooking for my family but not for myself. Spoken to the professionals but know it needs to ultimately come from me. Just another weekend I’m struggling to get through- don’t think I should be able to have time with my family. Don’t think I should have a family at all tbt. Read a story to my son last night by the end he was asleep I was in a bad way. Know someone like me deserves to be alone but I can’t let them go. Try to keep on sorting myself out- I’m not good to them like this and I can’t let them go so shouldn’t put them through having to deal with me. I wish she’d leave for her and son to have a better life. Concerns me that my son has some of my personality traits I’ve always tried to deny he’s anything like me but in some ways he is. Always have tried to hide the fact I’m not a good person behind a lifestyle, bought my wife big gifts to try to make up for the fact she is married to me. Her birthday is not too far off, Valentine’s Day closer. Another two reminders there that I’ve failed her. 

The counselling is key for all that negative thinking and is a reflection of your lack of self-worth. You do deserve it. You haven’t failed anyone. You work so hard that your wife doesn’t need to work...you’ve given your family a lovely home and you have so much more to offer them in the way of love and kindness. I think that stuff will take time. Personally found it was a case of looking at why I felt I was worthless...spent about 18 months, 50 minutes per week talking about it and analysing ha. Still not perfect but it’s much easier to manage your feelings and overcome them when you understand why they’re there. Other option is CBT to break the self-destructive thinking. I liked the why route but I like to understand things rather than just fix them without understanding.

You’re doing incredibly well! £40k to £28k in not much time at all...all while driving a range...

Can’t remember where I read this...think it was an article about errors we make in our thinking...but it said to compare yourself to previous versions of yourself rather than others...when you do that you realise how far you’ve come.

alt80

Thanks all. I’m keeping with the counselling. Do CBT too - definitely doing what I can to work on changing the mindset not exactly linear progress though. Not touched a drink or anything else in 12 days. Don’t think I’ll be someone who never has a drink again but going for 26 days of no drinking in February. Can do without it right now. Sleep issues don’t help my mindset Saturday woke 3am, today too much sleep but 8.30pm and tired fml. Have had a big walk and done son’s photo and Lego challenges also done happier January. Calendar for February is ‘friendly February’ - doing stuff for others basically. Wife has got into it doing her IG stories on it with son lol better than makeup haha. Thursday’s is virtual tea break with colleagues, I’ll 100 smash that one. Sent scheduled email to staff - think it’s better them not getting emails from me at the weekend they can do without their phones going off during their family time.

Work: things are good. Realise I can’t stay focused and productive without a break - sometimes get into the punishment mindset over that - don’t really feel I work hard enough tbh and my job is hardly physically taxing but ultimately I am where I am and I do need to spend time with my family too. In-laws and wife think I’m !!!!!! mad for the work life haha, my parents tell me if I put a bit more effort in perhaps I’d be closer to my goals idk maybe true but struggling to keep up more than a 8/9 hour day, 5 days a week on it right now.

Debts: I’m disappointed with myself over the numbers not gonna lie. Now I don’t meet my target and don’t believe I can rely on sales although I have put two items up for sale myself today and had a £75 sale today - coming off the o/d. Can’t keep letting it get me down. So much harder when it’s personal rather than in business imo. 

Feb-21	Balance
Barclaycard	£6,320.00
M&S	£1,185.00
Sainsburys	£6,450.00
MBNA	£11,080.00
	£25,035.00
Overdraft	£2,345.00
Total	£27,380.00

Updated figures to reflect sale.

@enthusiasticsaver Iswym re gifts definitely true tbh. Wish lists - ha bit of a recent thing throw it in the wish list, put reminder on phone and decide a couple of days later. If we don’t buy we delete. Usually take wife away for a weekend for valentines haha I wish this year FML this time last year anyone would have told me I’d be banned from staying away from home I’d have told them they were completely bonkers.

@getmore4less not a Sunday fry up this week I did scrambled eggs with creme fraiche chives with smoked salmon on a bagel for wife and son. Don’t have onion on my fry up unless part of a bubble and squeak but usually do hash browns instead. Also no fried bread wife would have a fit ha.

@Four_Seasons thanks but I don’t really like the way I’ve been with people mainly my family in the past. Tbh not having to put up with me would probably be a good start for my wife lol.

@ryanm8655 I’m doing the counselling, changes little sometimes 100% it’s a gradual process, hope I get to your stage with it mate tbh.

Ha re debts most of the balance that’s been paid off is from sales.

Onebrokelady

Why don't you organise a date night at home for valentines ,you could cook your wife a lovely meal 

Purplelady65

I think you’re putting too much pressure on yourself if you’re feeling disappointed with the credit card balances. Try and focus on what you have achieved. Not overspending and adding anything further to the debt is an achievement in itself let alone paying anything off the balances. To have £10k of belongings hanging around (I think it was around that figure?) that you were able to sell quickly made a big initial dent in the balances but was a one off and it’s just a gradual slog now. You are every critical of yourself and saying you don’t work hard enough is just not the case. Maybe just reflecting on where you were less than a fortnight ago and where you are now will make you realise you are making good progress. It’s not all about the debts either - good progress re not using drugs, alcohol, spending time with the family, engaging with the counselling and the homework, not working too many hours.  In fact imo these things are much more important than the debts. 

alt80

@Onebrokelady that's the plan tbh going to crack open a bottle of champagne have a day off from not drinking. I would like to buy her a gift. Since I started paying the debts always get massive guilt leading up to occasions knowing I can't spend what I usually would on gifts. Not about me expecting a gift in return or anything. Suppose I see the only way to compensate for being around me is to get nice gifts lol.

@Purplelady65 Iswym yeah I'm making progress doesn't change I shouldn't have been doing what I was doing with my life both drugs and no control over personal finances. Shouldn't have treated my family the way I have either !!!!!! basic stuff I couldn't work out. Not sure I'll ever get into a position where I don't hate myself tbh know I'd actually be better for my family if I could.

RelievedSheff

alt80 said:

@Onebrokelady that's the plan tbh going to crack open a bottle of champagne have a day off from not drinking. I would like to buy her a gift. Since I started paying the debts always get massive guilt leading up to occasions knowing I can't spend what I usually would on gifts. Not about me expecting a gift in return or anything. Suppose I see the only way to compensate for being around me is to get nice gifts lol.

@Purplelady65 Iswym yeah I'm making progress doesn't change I shouldn't have been doing what I was doing with my life both drugs and no control over personal finances. Shouldn't have treated my family the way I have either !!!!!! basic stuff I couldn't work out. Not sure I'll ever get into a position where I don't hate myself tbh know I'd actually be better for my family if I could.

Give it time and the feelings of self hate will start to fade. You can't change the past but you can plan a debt free future with your family.

You have made huge progress since September, not just with the credit cards but also with the quality time that you are spending with your wife and son. 

alt80

New week, think I’m the only one who looks forward to Monday. 😆

Fair bit planned for the day tbh probably going to be knackered this evening but at least awake at a reasonable time and a good 5 1/2hours sleep no waking up. Really could do with that resolving itself def function a lot better on 7/8hours like I don’t even know what that looks like now though.

Not going to work this evening - dog walk and bit of chill tv I think. I do need to work out what I’m doing about the cards with not so much time to run tbh don’t think I’m going to get that sorted today. Don’t like being full of excuses tbh just want to have a clear head and already know I’m going to be useless past about 7pm this evening would like to go to bed early and try to get some sleep.

@RelievedSheff thank you hope things work out that way for me. Always lived a bit of a chaotic life outside of business tbh think I’m exhausted know it needs to stop and work towards a more sustainable way of living.