First Steps to Solvency

curtains174

Hi, delurking again to say, you need to give things a chance, you are very dismissive of a lot of the suggestions people have made, because they aren’t your thing or don’t give you a buzz. How many have you actually tried?
Im not sure why you feel you need a buzz in everything you do, life is about balance not all about highs and lows.
I want a buzz, I want more money, I want a bigger house, I want a flash car is not an excuse for your behaviour or not changing your mindset. You are choosing to think and behave this way and I’m not sure you are really willing or serious to alter your views on these things. 

As has been said many times, you need to address your addiction it’s clearly the biggest problem you have, not debt.
I really do wish you luck going forward and I hope you manage to work things through with your wife. 

amanda_p

You need proper professional help for your addiction, plus also a back up group similar to AA, think there is one NA. These will help you through the craving stages and help you to move forward. There is a reason an alcoholic can never have one drink once they have given up. You might like to read some of Bryony Gordon's books(Telegraph journalist)She has battled addiction, alcohol and drugs and has managed to stay sober and drug free for a good few years. She also loved the 'buzz' but has realised that a 'normal' life has far more rewards.
My son is a neurosurgeon and he could tell you in graphic detail how drugs, however recreational they may seem actually alter the tissue of the brain and the way it functions.He has said operating on a drug users brain makes a complex operation even more difficult with the outcome not as predictable as it should be. So with all the outward appearances of highs and lows, the internal damage you may be causing to your brain needs to be addressed.
If you face this demon I am sure everything else will fall into place. 

stymied

Frustratingly I can’t find the actual post, but about half way through your diary you had a brilliant post about how you well you were working in your main business, to the extent that your staff commented on the change. I know there’s been a couple of bumps since then but if you can re-find your mojo within a couple of months of starting this diary then you can definitely do it again.
Give the budget planning a rest. Keep tracking spends but don’t stress the small stuff. Get back to growing your business at a healthy, sustainable rate.

ryanm8655

Mate, if you’ve been doing the gear continuously since 21 and in recent years every few days then I wonder if this whole “buzz” thing is a result of that. Honestly, you’re never going to get anything like the buzz you get from drugs naturally...but that comes at a great cost...not least the depression afterwards. You need to give a drug free life a chance. And accept that normal life is a bit more stable. The biggest buzz you’ll get naturally is probably going to be extreme sports, which someone else suggested.

I remember trying MDMA back in my uni days, absolutely mind blowing, never known a feeling like it. I only did it that once as I felt like death for 2 weeks afterwards. That just wasn’t worth the high. I know for a fact I’ll never feel better than that but it doesn’t stop me doing other things I enjoy or seeking out other ways to enjoy life. I think the difference is cocaine is crazily addictive and the "buzz" is more shortlived so it doesn't interrupt with functioning so much...but instead it slowly destroys you and everything around you if you don't get a grip of it...

alt80

I’ve been reading about what it does over past week or so never wanted to know before tbh knew it was nothing good. Actually concerned I’ve !!!!!! myself tbh.

Absolutely everything gets better when I’m off it for longer than about two weeks tbh. Have had breaks most recent in lockdown 1. Never want to do it again but it’s unreal how much I want it especially now can’t go and blow a few £k in a day or buy a car instead. Sometimes back on it just because I’m so ashamed of my behaviour and depressed so need a hit. Counsellor knows all of this also knows I’m really concerned I’m going to wreck my life.  Wife hates me when I’m on it tbh turn into a selfish !!!!!! can hardly blame her. 

Want it now FML. Not going to bother but feel stressed/ depressed/ drunk/ out I’m on it. 

getmore4less

Tricky one on the cravings.
I had moved jobs so threw myself into work, making new friends, and looking for a property to buy.
I was a bit of a beer person then but had to drive most of the time so was never too much hense the lapses were alcohol induced.
One key was the only new people I knew that smoked were the girls in the share and they were a bit of a mess, one of them was also on the weed occasionally.
The new social contact through work were all non smokers. 

Once I had bought, no smoking house could not afford to smoke and make other things happen, priorities. 
Smoking does not give you a massive buzz but is seriously addictive. 
After around 6 months is got easier. 
Got the constant munchies as smoking suppresses the appetite. 

My dad gave up because he could not afford a horse and smoke. 

You need to want other stuff more. 
Its not just the cost, it sets you back and costs time which seems to be one of your demons. 

Even when you stop there is a legacy that impares performance for at least 2 weeks probably longer in smaller ways. 
 


 

alt80

This is why I haven't been able to face the debts for so long, let it get worse/ refinanced the last lot- avoidance. Why I've let the business coast. Nothing hurts more than analysing what could have been/ nearly was/ whatever. I spoke to Cocaine Anon. tonight. Plan to do the meeting online can't deal with it face to face I don't think. Read the website saw half my excuses for it over the years not easy to read that half felt it couldn't be that bad if I'm in a position to afford PMI that covers the counselling, don't smoke it haha apparently that's a !!!!!! classic excuse. Yeah I know. Hidden behind 'I earn well' etc. Feel like I'm going to break with regrets tbh. Stare at spreadsheets analysing past poor financial decisions hoping for a miracle or to be able to go back with hindsight, make different choices. Breaks me where I am at my age. Can't let go. Breaks me that I've not been there for my wife and son.

Joined the alcohol thread on here - 1/12 for remainder of month. Don't think that's going to be too hard tbh just an easy win all being well.
Not touched the stuff.
2 coffees.
In bed for midnight planned even if no sleep. 
Spent no money apart from wife filled BMW today.

enthusiasticsaver

alt80 said:

I’ve been reading about what it does over past week or so never wanted to know before tbh knew it was nothing good. Actually concerned I’ve !!!!!! myself tbh.

Absolutely everything gets better when I’m off it for longer than about two weeks tbh. Have had breaks most recent in lockdown 1. Never want to do it again but it’s unreal how much I want it especially now can’t go and blow a few £k in a day or buy a car instead. Sometimes back on it just because I’m so ashamed of my behaviour and depressed so need a hit. Counsellor knows all of this also knows I’m really concerned I’m going to wreck my life.  Wife hates me when I’m on it tbh turn into a selfish !!!!!! can hardly blame her. 

Want it now FML. Not going to bother but feel stressed/ depressed/ drunk/ out I’m on it. 

The depression is a withdrawal symptom.  Glad you have contacted Cocaine anon.  The craving for a buzz is also a symptom of the drugs.  I would not be surprised if much of your money has been going on that over the years. 

katsu

You are doing so well in reflecting on the advice and trying out ways to change your life. 

I don't want to downplay the effect on the interaction with other parents but I do think there's something hypocritical about people who are drunk disapproving of drugs as alcohol isn't a great product either. You've seen that a load of drink isn't a great idea and doesn't make you a better person.

So,  how do you enjoy your life?  You've said it is better after a few weeks without drugs etc so maybe focus on getting to that stage again and then thinking about what you enjoy more when your mind is settled?  

alt80

@curtains174 I don't like to try things that don't involve business/ units or cars. Don't feel it's going to help me idk maybe I'm wrong.

@amanda_p I'm terrified I've damaged myself for life tbh. All on me I know that. My counsellor said I should consider joining a support group I just dismissed him at the time.

@stymied yeah every time anything good has happened I've been using less, I know that. My business is very important to me and so is being a decent employer/ LL. I never forget these people pay my mortgages whether directly or indirectly. Using has affected my ability to run my business been through times I've lost whole weeks. Working but not in the right frame of mind. They probably know there's something wrong with me and up to me to fix that make everything more secure for them and their families too by sustainable growth. 

@ryanm8655 I reviewed my list of pros and cons. Talked through it tonight on the call admitted I've lost control. Stable would probably be good for me. Look back to when things were. Think about the day I took my son out just before lockdown 2 no buzz from it but it's a day I look back fondly of probably most days. Hung the photo in my home office that my FIL gave me for christmas it's the only photo I have of my son and I in the house. Got a few on my phone but lots of wife and son/ wife and son with family. Inlaws have a family photograph every year I've always refused to go. Just look at the photos of my wife and son with her family and know I shouldn't be there. Don't deserve to have a family I know that they think I don't go because I don't want to.

@getmore4less it's definitely set me back and time definitely one of my demons - feel I don't have it. Food for thought your post thanks.