First Steps to Solvency

ladyholly

You are still making excuses for your addiction. Let's call a spade a spade. You are risking your business, your marriage and if child protection get involved which in case of divorce they possibly would any access to your son. 
You say it doesn't have the same effect no it wouldn't so you will want more and more. Please believe me I was addicted to prescription codeine. Stopping it was horrible but I did it and it would take an awful lot to make me take even a single dose.  I wouldn't even take it with a fracture to my foot. No one can make you stop it has to come from you and yes it will be very hard but the rewards will eventually make up for it. Do you really want to stop. Have a think about it we can offer support but you have to do it and I reiterate you need professional help if you want to end this cycle. 

enthusiasticsaver

Until you accept that you are addicted to drugs and the negative effects that has on your life it will be difficult to move forward with your finances, your relationships or your business.  The drugs use is affecting all those things in addition to your mental health and physical health quite apart from that it is illegal.  It was beyond stupid to offer it to school parents and doing it in your office or at home where your son can see the affects is dangerous. Please get some help with this and make a definite decision to quit.  Any buzz you get from it is only because of the chemical imbalance in your brain.  You go too far one day and you will have a heart attack.  

The cocaine is affecting your decision making processes, undoubtedly your ability to sleep and at times you come across as manic in your posting so presumably the stimulant is affecting your neurological system. I also think this is why you are coming across as obsessive whether it is about cars, upscaling your house or units or keeping to the budget or paying down the debt You need professional help with this.  All the rest will then fall into place. If you are constantly getting cravings for cocaine you are an addict.  

getmore4less

alt80 said:

Apart from wife working on a few tasks re personal finances think I’m going to try to have a couple days break from it. Getting to the point I can’t keep away looking at spreadsheets all the time. Obsessing and getting nowhere. 

Been over this, there is no where to go that's why you can't find it.
£1,800 house
£1,400 car 
£1,100 school
£1,100 CC/RR balloon  
£600  BMW was planned to go towards  the £48.5k RR balloon.


You have done all the heavy lifting and the big wins,

You have £8k to dish out, take off those priorities and you are down to fiddling the last £2k or so 

Even bigger problem when not all your spends are even on the budget .

You keep wanting to change the plan like there is something magic you missed that can save more.

Scraping bits off the food or the holiday or the entertainment might take a month off the schedule but stuff will come up that eats into those savings(problem is any saving you can get there has been spent already).

If you go too tight and find it unrealistic it just won't work.

Remember this post?
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/77857461/#Comment_77857461

Can't remember when the balloon date is?
That still seems to be the driver to squeeze the budget to make CC debt and balloon covered  and it was OK till you missed stuff off the original plan.

Plan either needs pushing out a bit and/or  finding more savings from what is already getting tight

The plan you had would have only needed a quick check once a week you are on spend,  and a once a month review to manage any changes.

Going to need a lot of cuts off that food to cover your spends from the £750pm habit you forgot to put in the budget.

The food that should have been worked on already but now you have made your problem the wife's problem.

maddiemay

We are all saying the same thing and going to keep saying it.   Like it or not you are an addict, until you face up to this and seriously start getting good professional help and following up with the procedures set out by that you are going nowhere. Not with the debt, maintaining let alone growing the business, saving your marriage and family life.
rugbymadfamily post above, it is not only the poor down and outs with p*ssed trousers and shot veins that get their kids taken away.
For goodness sake begin finding some of the strength and nous that enable you to build your business from nothing.  
We all want you to succeed, we wouldn't be here for you if you didn't.

ryanm8655

alt80 said:

Apart from wife working on a few tasks re personal finances think I’m going to try to have a couple days break from it. Getting to the point I can’t keep away looking at spreadsheets all the time. Obsessing and getting nowhere. Car thing really got to me. She doesn’t think I can make a decision on it and I don’t want to not have a second car but kind of think that’s the way I need to go. No excuse though. Hate being told I can’t trust my own mind tbh makes me want to use it more. Discussed in counselling but doesn’t change where I am with it. 100 serious about wanting to sort the debts. That’s my number 1 priority outside business. 

Stuff from counselling is massive effort like some sort of brain shift effectively it is I know. Worried I start getting off on nature and spending time with family or something I won’t be able to get myself to next level financially and stuck here but this not helping with that either. 100 know that. Paranoid people I work with/ clients/ associates etc know too. Warby I’m sure you realised but what you said about my income made me feel a massive level of shame. You’re right no getting around it and I know it’s not that normal to feel like that. Counsellor was asking me what amount is enough etc none is. Been trying to address how I feel about it but it’s not working. Try so !!!!!! hard to lie to myself that I don’t care about money want to pay my debts and live on rice and beans for rest of my days never buy another car etc. It doesn’t matter how many times I try to tell myself it doesn’t work for me. Saw a new Vantage yesterday and bang straight back to the cars the idea of failure because he’s got one I haven’t. Next thing I know someone on here posting about someone in an AM crashing. My head would rather get done for driving dangerous and have a taste of the AM life than live mine as it is. 100 don’t want anyone to die or anything though. 

Want it all the !!!!!! time. Keep away for a few days, prove to myself I can then I’m back on it not like it’s everyday but FML can’t get through the week without it. Not even getting the same hit from it tbh. She knows I’ve been on it again. Trying so !!!!!! hard to laugh off things that have happened when I’ve been on it but it’s not good. Lost a lot of money buying it and sometimes purchases I’ve made on it. Getting too old for it to be funny anymore really. !!!!!! paranoid about the whole school thing too have been for ages. Tbh it’s been one of the reasons money aside I’ve thought about moving him, be able to have a fresh start on the social side with parents then feel guilty because he loves it there. Wife has said before no way are we moving him for that but angry with me that we’ve sort of been ostracised from the group so idk re fixing that lol.

Feel different about wife when I’m on it tbh. Off it for a longer period of time my relationship with her is a lot better in every way. Want the family life, enjoy it actually, get on a lot better and a lot less anger etc. Past year some of best memories I have are lockdown 1 and taking my son out for the day just before lockdown 2. When I’m on it I feel she’s trapped me now stopping me from regaining a social life after lockdown. I know I need to avoid JV mate. Sat here right now wishing I had his life big portfolio runs itself I !!!!!! manage it haha, house of my dreams on the chang whenever he wants no consequences. All the time in the world for business no distractions not married etc. I can’t even enjoy it anymore, do it and feel like I’m !!!!!! my life up no fall back for me. Past few years I’m a spare part at home and in main business not even needed to carry on as is. Know I did the right thing re staff and could use the time to work on growth and planning for future. I do but just getting myself !!!!!! up too much and too often to go to next level. 

Lunch time rant ha.

That's the nature of the beast dude, cocaine is highly addictive. Having any available in the house is a very bad idea. Drinking is an obvious trigger too, so personally I'd avoid the booze for a while. I know it's hard when feeling stressed and low. I'd suggest the fact you kept any in the house suggests you wanted that safety net of knowing it was there and must've known as soon as you had a drink you'd reach for it.

I do think you need to call a spade a spade and accept it is an addiction. And that isn't trying to make you feel crap or scummy. I know a couple of coke addicts and they're all in decent jobs, they function as things are but can tell they have inner turmoil, really nice people when they're not on it but pretty selfish when they are. Only interested in hanging around with other people who are doing it so push away their good friends etc. It's a shame. But you've got an opportunity here to do something about it.

I know what you mean re: laughing it off but it's good you are acknowledging the seriousness of some of the things you've done on it. The school thing made me chuckle as I could see exactly how it could happen on that stuff as you have no awareness. But I'd have been feeling terrible about that the next day and for longer. I don't know if you ever apologised or anything or just tried to pretend it didn't happen... But the fact it has impacted your decision making on your son's education, in that you were considering changing schools so you wouldn't have to face it, tells you how bad it is. It sort of feels like a number of the decisions you make are like this, you justify them in one way but actually there is something else underlying it. The context explains the attitude of your wife a lot more I think.

Re: people being able to tell if you are on it. Maybe people that haven't done it before wouldn't be able to but anyone who has or knows someone who has will see it from a mile off. Likewise, I'd imagine anyone who knows you will be able to see it a mile off. People on here can spot it in how you write, I sensed that you might have been on it or at least contemplating it, hence my message. It'll be even more obvious in person.

The positive is you only did a small amount last night and hopefully that's it all gone. Put it behind you, own the addicition and focus on getting the help you need. You have a plan for everything else and finances/business can keep ticking over. Focus on you.

alt80

Working it out re the stuff tbh not planning to do it again. Probably not ever going to be able to go on a big night again tbh need to face up to that. My age that shouldn’t be a problem haha. Just find keeping to the counselling hard - lot of effort and don’t seem to be getting any rewards from what I need to do. Just think FML lots of bad decisions got me to this point.

School/ Son: I have never and would never put my son in danger. Not an excuse but the place they dragged us to after the meal most people spend more time in the toilets than the bar lived here long enough to know. Turn the clock back and I wouldn’t have done it 100%. 

@getmore4less thank you. You’re right I can’t stop looking for the magic debt pill. The RR balloon date is the big one mate - April 2024. 100 I want to be completely debt free on the personal side for when the RR balloon due - just feel its slipping away now and panicking not going to get there unless some sustained growth on the business side over next two years so can start drawing a bit more two years time. Can’t guarantee that though nothing really changed business side for a few years. Get so far but spend too much time messing about know that it’s affecting things don’t want it to can tell you that. 

No more £750/m spends anymore, giving that up 100%. Haven’t bought it for a week.

efes_shareholder

I know its a completely different substance but when I gave up smoking , I needed to see a visual impact other then the money in the bank
I bought a clear jar and every day I religiously put in to that jar what I would have spent on nicotine to the penny. No one was allowed to "borrow" from the jar and I watched the amount build up until after about 6 months. It was motivating to be able to visualise the money I would have spent and I then used it to buy my childrens bedroom furniture however if my position now it would go on a bulk card purchase.
I guess what I'm saying is it can really help to see  the money you are wasting rather the just the number.
If its anything like giving up smoking the longer you can go without substances the less you experience the urge to use them HOWEVER there will always be occasions where you do feel a huge urge and these are the ones you are really going to need to manage - maybe visit your GP and see what assistance is out there for you and be ready to embrace all oppurtunities
Does your son have any extra cirricular activites such as football or beavers/cubs. I know these have been impacted massively with the Rona but maybe look to get him on board with something like that and look to get involved , they are always crying out for parent helpers and understand everyone has family commitments etc but its a great way to find some distraction aside from work and money and also a great way to extend your adult friend circle away from the school parents who have excluded you and the friends who aren't the right influence.
The scout organisation is a particulary good outlet , it has a bit of a geeky tag but my kids absolutely loved it and their dad enjoyed the oppurtunities on offer so much he got very involved , they did parasailing , canoeing in the docks at canary wharf whilst camping on an old war ship , archery at national level even a camp where called tramp camp where they had to make their own beds out of cardboard boxes. 
Not saying this is for you but its something to consider 

alt80

@ryanm8655 thanks mate. I’ve not spoken to them since as it happened. Wife sees them at school. Not really stopped feeling bad about it tbh don’t even like picking son up from school their kids come round the house if I’m here I don’t leave my office it’s a nightmare tbf. !!!!!! paranoid son will get older and they’ll tell their kids and will get back to my son. 

Have no mates left apart from the one with the MG who don’t do it so can 100 relate on the not seeing people who don’t do it. 

Don’t have any more. Don’t know why I didn’t throw it down the sink tbh mate should have done but didn’t. Tell myself no one got a clue or it’s just paranoia but they probably do know.

Need something to get through 2 years min having no money what though idk.

alt80

@efes_shareholder not a smoker but well done on quitting. My dad was a massive cigar smoker and gave up - he did something similar actually and worked well for him. Tbh it’s not like smoking for me that I’ll know I’ll get x in a day or whatever.

Yeah from what I know longer without less you want it been there tbf had a few months off before plenty of times and definitely less bothered about it. Tbh I thought I’d finished with it for good over lockdown 1.

Son does some extra curriculars through school. I was thinking about him joining a football team locally too (he loves football and wife wants him to also). Nothing else, don’t think he needs anymore activities etc. All cost money too and pay enough for the school tbh. Wife would probably enjoy getting involved, not for me though I’m not that good with kids tbh son is more than enough on that front. 

RelievedSheff

alt80 said:

@efes_shareholder not a smoker but well done on quitting. My dad was a massive cigar smoker and gave up - he did something similar actually and worked well for him. Tbh it’s not like smoking for me that I’ll know I’ll get x in a day or whatever.

Yeah from what I know longer without less you want it been there tbf had a few months off before plenty of times and definitely less bothered about it. Tbh I thought I’d finished with it for good over lockdown 1.

Son does some extra curriculars through school. I was thinking about him joining a football team locally too (he loves football and wife wants him to also). Nothing else, don’t think he needs anymore activities etc. All cost money too and pay enough for the school tbh. Wife would probably enjoy getting involved, not for me though I’m not that good with kids tbh son is more than enough on that front. 

You do need to find something to take your mind off things and keep you occupied at the weekend.

Walking? Cycling? Fishing? DIY? Gardening? Running? Rowing?

Something that doesn't have to be expensive but can be used as a release when needs be.