First Steps to Solvency

warby68

Yes, my money was on that too last night.
People will know in real life @alt80. In my experience the eyes alone give it away but your differing behaviours will for sure. Accepting that might add to your incentives to change - your employees and business contacts will be wary. You value business very highly. Its impacting on the business. 
Sheff is right until you get some real help (and start to do the work yourself as well), the rest is pointless.

getmore4less

Was an interesting report ages ago that said to get the best out of a strong coffee, if feeling the need for a boost,  you should take it and relax/sleep for ~20-30mins  then it kicks in.
It is something that was done in my industry when into long  working sessions/weekend to hit deadlines.
napping was acceptable, some places have rooms with beds on site for longer sleeps

Google brings up something called coffee naps,  seems 15-20mins is optimal
maybe the chill app could be your relax.

What are Coffee Naps and How Long Should They Be? (sleepadvisor.org)

ladyholly

I know that your comments re wife last  night were drug fuelled but to an outsider they could be classed as coersive control. Do you respect your wife? Love without respect is not love it is more obsession. You do need to forget the constant seeking of a buzz is self destructive. Life is not full of buzz for most people. I think the many years of long working hours and drugs have skewed your thinking and possibly altered your brain.  You seem to think you can solve all your problems instantly and with little effort on your part. I hate to disallusion you but it will be a long and hard road especially with regard to the drugs. As others have repeatedly said you need proper help with that. 

theoretica

There was discussion earlier about your wife having some aspects of growing up to do, I think you do too.  Adult life for nearly everyone has fair swathes of mild boredom, doing things that you wouldn't have chosen by yourself and rare buzzes.

Willowtree222

It wasn't about keeping your car clean, nothing wrong with that. It was the way you regarded just passing it to your wife then the resentment you have for her. It's always the same when you're on it. Pehaps it's just the way you write when on it almost like you have no care for her. I know from your more coherent posts that you do love her. 
You can't stop yourself and really need addiction support. 
Nothing else will work whilst you're on the drugs still as that takes over. 
Hoping you get clean. 

theoretica

alt80 said:

@theoretica hmm I don’t really get you there. I’d rather have something nice that I don’t use to it’s full capability than something not so nice to live with iyswim. 

That's why I talked about it.  I like nice stuff too, but make sure I buy the level of nice that I appreciate and is best value for me, not what the manufacturer wants to sell me. Some things have so many bells and whistles I think they don't actually do their basic job as well. Personally I tend to start looking at the cheapest I can get something, think why that won't work for me and then go up the scale far enough to get the things I appreciate, think worth paying for and can afford.  Rather than starting at the top of the scale and exposing myself to advertising/ending up regretting not having (or paying for) expensive frills that I don't actually care about or won't use. 

alt80

Apart from wife working on a few tasks re personal finances think I’m going to try to have a couple days break from it. Getting to the point I can’t keep away looking at spreadsheets all the time. Obsessing and getting nowhere. Car thing really got to me. She doesn’t think I can make a decision on it and I don’t want to not have a second car but kind of think that’s the way I need to go. No excuse though. Hate being told I can’t trust my own mind tbh makes me want to use it more. Discussed in counselling but doesn’t change where I am with it. 100 serious about wanting to sort the debts. That’s my number 1 priority outside business. 

Stuff from counselling is massive effort like some sort of brain shift effectively it is I know. Worried I start getting off on nature and spending time with family or something I won’t be able to get myself to next level financially and stuck here but this not helping with that either. 100 know that. Paranoid people I work with/ clients/ associates etc know too. Warby I’m sure you realised but what you said about my income made me feel a massive level of shame. You’re right no getting around it and I know it’s not that normal to feel like that. Counsellor was asking me what amount is enough etc none is. Been trying to address how I feel about it but it’s not working. Try so !!!!!! hard to lie to myself that I don’t care about money want to pay my debts and live on rice and beans for rest of my days never buy another car etc. It doesn’t matter how many times I try to tell myself it doesn’t work for me. Saw a new Vantage yesterday and bang straight back to the cars the idea of failure because he’s got one I haven’t. Next thing I know someone on here posting about someone in an AM crashing. My head would rather get done for driving dangerous and have a taste of the AM life than live mine as it is. 100 don’t want anyone to die or anything though. 

Want it all the !!!!!! time. Keep away for a few days, prove to myself I can then I’m back on it not like it’s everyday but FML can’t get through the week without it. Not even getting the same hit from it tbh. She knows I’ve been on it again. Trying so !!!!!! hard to laugh off things that have happened when I’ve been on it but it’s not good. Lost a lot of money buying it and sometimes purchases I’ve made on it. Getting too old for it to be funny anymore really. !!!!!! paranoid about the whole school thing too have been for ages. Tbh it’s been one of the reasons money aside I’ve thought about moving him, be able to have a fresh start on the social side with parents then feel guilty because he loves it there. Wife has said before no way are we moving him for that but angry with me that we’ve sort of been ostracised from the group so idk re fixing that lol.

Feel different about wife when I’m on it tbh. Off it for a longer period of time my relationship with her is a lot better in every way. Want the family life, enjoy it actually, get on a lot better and a lot less anger etc. Past year some of best memories I have are lockdown 1 and taking my son out for the day just before lockdown 2. When I’m on it I feel she’s trapped me now stopping me from regaining a social life after lockdown. I know I need to avoid JV mate. Sat here right now wishing I had his life big portfolio runs itself I !!!!!! manage it haha, house of my dreams on the chang whenever he wants no consequences. All the time in the world for business no distractions not married etc. I can’t even enjoy it anymore, do it and feel like I’m !!!!!! my life up no fall back for me. Past few years I’m a spare part at home and in main business not even needed to carry on as is. Know I did the right thing re staff and could use the time to work on growth and planning for future. I do but just getting myself !!!!!! up too much and too often to go to next level. 

Lunch time rant ha.

Grumpelstiltskin

You say the number 1 priority is sorting the debts. It isn't, the number 1 priority is sorting your drug addiction out.
I don't think you have accepted that yet and until you do you will just carry on going round in the same circles but they will get you in a worse position than you are now.

RelievedSheff

Do you really think that JV "mate" is happy? Would he be on the sniff if he was genuinely happy?

I suspect not. There is generally a reason that people take drugs and it isn't because they are happy and content.

You really need to take a few steps back from everything and analyse what is important to you. Your mind sounds like it is spinning at a 100 miles an hour and quite frankly it sounds exhausting. It can't be good for your health or your mental well being.

rugbymadfamily

Priority has to be the coke addiction. You might not want to call it addiction, but sitting at home doing it on your own as you can't get through  week without it is addiction. That has to be priority.

My husband is a prep school teacher, I can guarantee that other parents were told that you offered them gear on a night out. You should count yourself lucky the only consequences were that you no longer get invited. If one of the parents had told the school, the school genuinely would have had to pass that on to the Child Protection Agency who would have had to investigate. That could have had far more serious consequences than just being ostracized from events.

Got to get your head round the fact that you are addicted to it. I know it's not easy (my family has a number of alcoholics in it) but the first step is acceptance and then you can move on. Need to see an addiction specialist not just general counsellor.