First Steps to Solvency

Willowtree222

Oh wow Ryan, that must have been horrific. 
I think everyone has said what I think about your wife. 
You've got a lot of thinking to do Alt about your life and debt. Hopefully you can get through to her and both work together to tackle it. 
If not, or she leaves, you are worthy of anything. 
Have a lovely day. 

Jellytotts

Your poor son.  He must be so conflicted over what the heck is going on with you both and getting money chucked at him left right and centre. It will undoubtedly have consequences with his approach to finances and relationships further down the line.

I can sort of see it from your wife's point of view in terms of you not selling your expensive trinkets or getting rid of an expensive car but she's expected to sell stuff and cut down her spending.  Since you met, she's not worked, she's had money to burn and she's taken care of your house and son, this was obviously something you were both on board with. You're now expecting her to give up the money she's used to spending, sell things to clear debts and get a job whilst you've not really done that much to change (in her eyes).  

No matter what the amount, it could be £50 a month instead of the £500 but why should she cut back when you aren't?  Yes, it's a very spoilt and entitled view but this is how she's always been, you've just never said no before.  You both need to work out how to get through this stage with both of you making compromises.

Personally I'd suggest that neither of you have a credit card and you both have a set amount each month for your "toys and trinkets".  Yours would need to include your car payments and she should get an equal amount to spend as she sees fit.  It's not a case of you're working so you should get to spend more, she isn't working as it's something that up until now, has never been required/expected as she's been the homemaker.  If you want to persuade her to go to work then you will need to ensure you're at home to do your share of the childcare/the housework etc. and her wage will have to go towards more than just her beauty stuff.  She will need to pay towards the upkeep of the house and your son.  Her spending everything she earns on her self is just enforcing the entitlement attitude.

Social media can be a very toxic place for those who already have issues with their own sense of worth.  It's a habit she needs to quit as much as your substance use was.  

This was always going to be a very rocky road for you both.  You both need some serious grounding, some idea of just how privileged you are with what you have and some humility.  

Our combined income is still slightly less than your "variable spends budget" each month but our outgoings are small, our mortgage is small, we have over a years income in savings and no debt.  I wouldn't swap for your income and the associated privilege and selfish issues for anything.

RelievedSheff

I think you need to sit down with some bank and Cc statements and show her the extent of her spending.

This should hopefully bring how just how much she is spending a month and show her the problem isn't all yours.

If she wants to carry on with that spending then she has to find a way to fund it herself. 

enthusiasticsaver

With regards to the cars you gave up your f type car at great personal hardship and she still has the BMW so it is not like she doesn't have a car. Also she was the one pushing for the £1000 a month private school fees so I guarantee if you go down the list of spending there is way more than just her beauty treatments she is responsible for. You spend a lot on food. Is that down to her or you? Yes you spend a lot on the RR but you have cut out your JL shopping trips. As Ryan says the fact she had so much more to sell than you indicates she wastes a lot. 

Willowtree222

Or that you spent a lot on her to keep her happy. Either way, not all of this is your responsibility 

warby68

Other have said a lot already and I agree.

I just want to add that she is probably another of your addictions/bad habits at this point. Its still early days for you in dealing with the spending addiction and substance misuse so properly tackling another one (and possibly the biggest) might have to take its turn, but its turn does need to come. Your guilt seems to be driving your tolerance at the moment, perhaps it will become clearer when you get past that. You can feel guilty about behaviours and you are fixing those but you don't owe her money you don't have because of it.

You were in denial about the spending/substances at first. Perhaps you are still at that stage with her. 

In the who spends most arguments, don't forget, you got the RR but she got the fee paying school. Now the ftype has gone, you are not that far apart in the cost of your biggest personal wants if she wants to measure in that way. 

enthusiasticsaver

Jellytotts said:

Your poor son.  He must be so conflicted over what the heck is going on with you both and getting money chucked at him left right and centre. It will undoubtedly have consequences with his approach to finances and relationships further down the line.

I can sort of see it from your wife's point of view in terms of you not selling your expensive trinkets or getting rid of an expensive car but she's expected to sell stuff and cut down her spending.  Since you met, she's not worked, she's had money to burn and she's taken care of your house and son, this was obviously something you were both on board with. You're now expecting her to give up the money she's used to spending, sell things to clear debts and get a job whilst you've not really done that much to change (in her eyes).  

No matter what the amount, it could be £50 a month instead of the £500 but why should she cut back when you aren't?  Yes, it's a very spoilt and entitled view but this is how she's always been, you've just never said no before.  You both need to work out how to get through this stage with both of you making compromises.

Personally I'd suggest that neither of you have a credit card and you both have a set amount each month for your "toys and trinkets".  Yours would need to include your car payments and she should get an equal amount to spend as she sees fit.  It's not a case of you're working so you should get to spend more, she isn't working as it's something that up until now, has never been required/expected as she's been the homemaker.  If you want to persuade her to go to work then you will need to ensure you're at home to do your share of the childcare/the housework etc. and her wage will have to go towards more than just her beauty stuff.  She will need to pay towards the upkeep of the house and your son.  Her spending everything she earns on her self is just enforcing the entitlement attitude.

Social media can be a very toxic place for those who already have issues with their own sense of worth.  It's a habit she needs to quit as much as your substance use was.  

Whilst I agree with some of your post the very fact that @alt80 has paid out for courses etc for her and asked her to work in his office indicates he was not happy with her being at home full time. As she is 32 now and I think I recall him saying she dropped out of Uni at 21 so they have been together 11 years at least. Their son is only 7 so she had 4 years of not even having to look after their son and presumably a smaller house to look after. What on earth did she do all day? It is also a case of won't work rather than can't work. You could say that he did not insist on her earning money  so she has got used to being a lady of leisure. Many of us worked and had children and looked after a home and found a way to combine but it should be done as a team. In my 42 year working life I counted it up the other day and worked 2 years part time while studying, 8 years full time then was. SAHM for 3 years with 2 young children but even then worked Saturdays then a mix of full time and part time until retirement sometimes combining with retraining after a change of career but all with my husbands agreement. If he had said I want you to work full time then I would have said as you have then you have to share home responsibilities. We worked it out as adults between us. 

Yes he has his RR but he gave up the FType and she has a BMW which costs £500 a month. She also insisted on the private school at £1k a month which he wasn't fussed over. From the sound of it they live in a nice area of Nottingham so presumably there are good state schools he could have gone to but as with the Cartier watches and expensive bags and make up sending their son to private school fits with her social media image and maybe his too. Private schooling is much more effective at secondary stage but often I have noticed they grow up with a sense of entitlement already showing now. 

I think the problem is she has had a while lifetime of being indulged first by her parents then by her husband although her siblings don't seem to be the same. 

ladyholly

I have to disagree with jellytots with regard to you and her having an equal amount to spend including your car. She too has a car which, without going back, I think there is also money owing and presumably running costs which either you are your business (effectively you) pay for. To throw your "toys" in your face when you are earning the is unfair as you, at least, have admitted it was a mistake and have got rid of your "fun car".

It has been said before but a pre loaded card for each of you for personal spends would be easier to manage than a credit card with a large amount of available credit. The cars I think must be seen as a joint asset as is the house. That issue will resolve in time.
With regard to her working, I must admit I can see both sides but and it is a big but circumstances change and somewhere in your marriage vows you each promised to be loyal to each other if a civil ceremony and if in Church for richer or poorer. Loyalty I believe also includes standing up for your spouse when things get tough. So far she seems to have led a pretty easy life first with doting parents and then with you spoiling her and letting her have and do what she wants. Well sorry but things have just got harder and she needs to realise that. To keep blaming you is not only ridiculous but unfair and unhelpful. You are struggling with your demons and your wife should see that and help you instead of the constant carping as you should her. I know jobs are hard to come by at present but she needs to make an effort to either find one or rein in her spending. You are both likely to have a very rocky time while you sort this out but it needs to be sorted or even if you pay your debts off they will rack up as she spends and you think well if she can have that then I can have this. You have said she is checking up on your spending and I think you need to do the same with her. Pergaps each week, day or whatever you both produce receipts so that you can both see what the other is doing. Honesty and communication are essentiial ingredients for a good partnership be it business or personal. ( I have been married for 47years so know a little about it).

My other comment is try to keep as much of this as possible away from your son. Warring parents can be very distressing for a child. That said he does need to know if things are going to change for him so talking calmly as you did yesterday is a very good thing. Children have a habit of finding things out and if secrets are kept they can misinterpret what they have discovered.

enthusiasticsaver

Onebrokelady said:

First thing,your wife sends more a month on makeup than I can afford for food 🙀
Second thing...what's changed because a few weeks ago she was the one selling things and saying she wanted to stay in your current house, she was worried about the effect your lifestyle was having on you, this behaviour now doesn't add up 🤷‍♀️

From all accounts she was into Christmas big time so the budget restrictions have led to a very different Christmas this year and her parents are also now attacking her because of her attitude so maybe it is just sinking in that this is not temporary and she is lashing out. Not sure why she is showing him pictures of expensive houses etc though because that doesn't add up especially as a few weeks ago she didn't want to move. I think this IG nonsense has maybe stirred her up again. 

getmore4less

Time to review the whole of 2021 and agree how it is distributed for the year

There is best part of £100k to go through. 

House, car and school eat a big chunk.
The rest needs prioritising again for the year ahead. 

Probably room to cut the food bill and reduce waste to help free up some cash for other stuff. 

The current variables need splitting into their categories and tracked separately on a rolling basis.