First Steps to Solvency

strawb_shortcake

I've been quick to defend your wife in the past, but I really think she's got a cheek, you do provide her with a great life, you might have had your faults but she's using your guilt to get her own way. You gave her ample opportunities to accept a fancy Christmas present from you and she said no, she's old enough to live by the decisions she's made. 
I'm the only breadwinner in our home, I provide for my Husband and 3 children, but if my Husband wants something out of the ordinary then he finds the money to pay for it, he doesn't want or expect me to pay for his extras.

mumtoomany

Hi, @alt80. I have been lurking on this and your previous threads. First well done for how far you have come. When I read your first threads I believed you would disappear  and re-emerge in a few years in a far worse position, (I have been reading here for many years and seen this many times). So well done for staying the course and sorting this.

The reason I'm writing now is with regard to Father Christmas. Many years ago my OH and I were foster carers. The area we fostered for is one of the most deprived in England. Many children had not had presents at all when at home. How do you explain to a child that Father Christmas delivers presents to them when they are in care but not when they are at home? Our solution was to say that although he delivers all these gifts, he cannot afford to pay for them. He only brings things he knows the parents/carers can afford. I would back this up by showing them the bill he sent in January, credit card bill, (we've always used cash back cards, so bills in January for Christmas for upto 10 children were BIG). This solved the problem, maybe you could do something similar. HTH, mumtoomany.

Onebrokelady

First thing,your wife sends more a month on makeup than I can afford for food 🙀
Second thing...what's changed because a few weeks ago she was the one selling things and saying she wanted to stay in your current house, she was worried about the effect your lifestyle was having on you, this behaviour now doesn't add up 🤷‍♀️

Seasidegal58

Delurking to say I have to agree with Onebrokelady. 

alt80

Variable spends: £0/1250

No spends day. Years previous gone mad on the Boxing Day sales, when I say ‘sales’ didn’t matter to me whether on sale or not I’d find a way to buy something. 

Re wife things have got bad ever since I questioned the beauty spends this month - £300. With her usual appointments this is practically £500. Had a bit of an argument - in essence her point being why should she lose out because I’m in debt and still drive around in a new RR, won’t sell my £8k watch etc. Sees if more coming in more would be spare to spend too. Also she loves Christmas all about the presents for her and massively indulging son. I’ve spoiled it for her this year with her knowing I’m in debt/ restricted budget and BoJo spoiled it even more probably final straw there and the whole payback thing sinking in that it’s years rather than a short term pain for long term gain. She has sold quite a few things more so than me - she has a lot of stuff she doesn’t use, I don’t have a lot of things that I don’t use. Think it’s become a point of contention for her, could just be Christmas bringing the worst out in her too idk. Not sure she knows what she wants either at the moment tbf. Spent this evening listening to her tell me it’s my fault we couldn’t really afford much in the way of Christmas gifts. I deserve to have to be watching the pennies even more for the next 6 months, serves me right, if I’d not got myself in debt again etc. Best one was why should she and son suffer for me to ‘get off on’ signing up for even more debt to buy more property FML. 

I’d love her to get a job and I get where people are coming from on here about that. I’m 100 not the one pushing for her at home all the time. Tbh it concerns me that our son will grow up to expect it from a future relationship not really how the world works. She just doesn’t want to work outside what she does, I don’t see what else I can do as I’ve said before as an employer myself I’d be reluctant to employ her tbh. She has a work ethic for her iyswim keeps the house/ cars etc well and herself. She has helped me over the years with my business when needed but the minute it’s anymore of a ‘job’ that’s it, she’s not interested. At one point a few years ago she was helping out quite a lot - I had some staffing issues and asked her to take a role - she refused. Tbf the minute she gets any criticism or general upset she’s an absolute crying mess for days on end so probably better off.  

dawnybabes

With respect I hardly think your son and her are suffering from a lack of presents / possessions.  She needs a huge reality check and it will t work from you as ‘it’s all your fault’.

id lay my cards on the table to her parents and get them to talk to her.  She’s not being reasonable at all.  £500 is most people’s food for the month not bloody face creams and eyebrows.  

enthusiasticsaver

Put it back on her. Why should she spend what she wants when she doesn't earn anything? This is the problem with people who have never done paid work  for a living and why we insisted our daughters took part time jobs from the age of 16 alongside their studies. It was to develop a work ethic which your wife obviously does not have. In your first few posts I questioned why your wife did not work and you said then as you still do that she didn't want to and you would rather she did as you would have more disposable income. I agree with you on that. Being a SAHM should be a joint decision and in no way should the homemaker assume the working partner will support them unless they are both happy with that and they are both prepared to help out at home. In this situation your income is yours and she has no right to assume you will cover £500 make up and beauty treatments and unlimited Christmas and Birthday gifts for her and your son. You are not her cash cow. I have said before and say it again. Tell her if she is not happy with your income she can quit whining and go out and earn money herself and see how easy it is. You earn way above average and presumably work hard and long hours. Give her a budget she has to stick to for all spends. If she wants to behave like a child treat her like one. 

She needs to grow up for sure and you will have conflict with her until she accepts the new reality. You have spent years spoiling her no doubt after her parents did the same. Letting her get away with dropping out of Uni and not settling down in a job or career when she appears to have had every opportunity to do so is either down to laziness or an inability or unwillingness to apply herself to anything. None of us like criticism but it is a fact of life that sometimes we all have to deal with negative comments and then move on. Crying over general upsets and when things don't go her way is either a sign she is suffering with her mental health or she has learnt this will get her out of things she doesn't want to do. Counselling may help with that but you showering her with gifts or giving her unlimited funds to spend on nonsense won't change anything. 

Purplelady65

It’s really not fair of your wife to put this all on you. I’m sorry but she sounds very selfish and immature and her sense of entitlement is unbelievable. You are bringing in a hefty salary every month. She is financially contributing nothing. £500 a month on beauty is frankly ridiculous. I would say if she wants to spend £500 on beauty products and treatments she needs to get herself a job and earn it. She couldn’t possibly use all the products in a month so it must be all a show for IG. I don’t think it’s a good idea for her to work in your business. She really needs to find out what the world of work is like and get some experience of the real world. I'm not sure why she thinks your son has lost out this year. I’m sure in a previous post you had said you spent £2.5k on him for his birthday and Christmas! That’s an awful lot of money on a 7 year old - I personally think it’s far too much. 

When I first started reading your posts I did think £1k a month was a huge amount of money for a car payment. If your wife was out earning full time then maybe there would be a case that there wasn’t a balance but you obviously work very hard in your business and even knocking off the £1k car payment you are still bringing in a big salary and you are paying for absolutely everything. You are paying for your treat plus everything else so asking her to earn and pay for her own beauty treatments and products is IMO the least she could do. 

getmore4less

dawnybabes said:

With respect I hardly think your son and her are suffering from a lack of presents / possessions.  She needs a huge reality check and it will t work from you as ‘it’s all your fault’.

id lay my cards on the table to her parents and get them to talk to her.  She’s not being reasonable at all.  £500 is most people’s food for the month not bloody face creams and eyebrows.  

The PIL will not be wanting her back full time once they find out the maintenance bill. 

ryanm8655

Have to agree with everyone else, she’s a joker.

She’s an immature and spoilt brat. That isn’t your fault. 

If she wasn’t the mother of your child I’d say tell her to F off. She sounds a nightmare.

It’s bizarre. The fact you have no items to sell just goes to show that she’s the one wasting more money. Ok you spent a lot on your cars but that doesn’t account for building up the debt twice. Plus you’ve got rid of your beloved F-Type.

Without you she’d have nothing. Even if you divorced she would get a massive shock.

Christ, imagine never having worked a proper day in your life and being able to quit uni because it’s too much like hard work. Usually those types would be living in a council house, yet she has a beautiful home, brand new cars, Cartier watches and gets to spend £500 a month on her face. 

Honestly mate, she needs a reality check, take all the cards away and tell her to get a job.

I really feel for you, it can’t help with your stress and self esteem living with someone like that. Honestly, you deserve so much better. She’s disgusting. 

Sounds absolutely toxic. You’ll end up pennniless and/or in an early grave if she doesn’t change or you don’t stand up to her.

Still can’t believe the cheek of it. She’s holding you back mate. 100%. She’s an insult to hardworking mothers all over the country.

My mum was like her, shallow, lazy and thought she was gods gift to men but didn’t end up as lucky, she met a big time drug dealer instead And when she finally left him had nothing except the house and was with down and outs going forward, still is as far as I’m aware. Eventually sold the house and blew the money and ended up in a council house, still no job. Same attitude, different result and that’s down to you, not her...it’s not normal to get a cash cow just because you are attractive...she doesn’t deserve better just because she’s attractive. Women like that are ten a penny and a younger one comes along all the time...

Sorry if I’m being harsh, I’m furious at the way you’re being treated and just being honest.