First Steps to Solvency

Legs21

Ok. So judging by your posts, today is a bad day. 

You think of one negative thing which leads to another and another and before you know it your life sucks, everything is pants and you’ll always feel like this. Your head must be spinning with all these negative thoughts. Unfortunately, no matter what we say we can’t change your mindset, only you can do that. You are dealing with the symptoms and you need a counsellor/ pyschologist to get to the root of the problem. The one you are currently using doesn’t seem to be helping much and I think you need to do some research and find another one.

I could honestly cry when you are having a bad day and put down on here how you are feeling and how you think you’ll never feel any different. I really feel for you, it must be horrible and exhausting feeling like that. We’ve all had times where we feel life is unfair and we’ve been dealt a really sh!tty hand at the game of life. Some of the things people have gone though on these diaries is horrendous, but they’ve come out the other side. There is light at the end of the tunnel, even though it doesn’t feel like it at the time.

I expect your mood will pick back up once you’re back in work next week but for the next 2 days just try and enjoy time with your wife and son. Tell your son he can be ‘Daddy’ for the weekend and he has to decide where you go and what you do. He’ll love it. 

L x

Sarahwithlove

You keep expecting a quick fix and sadly it doesnt work like that unless you are willing to sell something major. You've made such good progress in such small amount of time. Just keep putting one foot in front of other and remember why you are doing this. Not for you but for your family. 

ryanm8655

alt80 said:

Something not helping is I came on here thinking £40k credit card debt need to sort now it feels like I started with £265k (cards, RR, BMW, remo). Over £300k with ftype but as it’s gone not counting it.

So !!!!!! ashamed, all my stupidity and feels like a !!!!!! mountain to climb before I even get the clean slate I need.

Apart from the fact you're beating yourself up so much, that is a huge change in mindset and I am so happy you are thinking that way in terms of seeing the PCP as debt rather than assets. You've come a mighty long way, you should be proud of yourself tbh.

We've all been stupid, I've resented myself for it over the years (not just debts but other life matters). Have also had cars on lease etc. in the past. Only reason I stopped was because the debt payments were mounting and I wanted to maintain my lifestyle. I never even cnsidered the amount I was paying over the full term or saw it as a debt. It was just another payment out of my account.

Took me years after getting rid of the car to even get near to thinking about clearing my debt. It's why I'm strangely happy to hear you say that, I can sense that mindset starting to shift.

You've got this.

theoretica

alt80 said:

Counselling is helping when ‘there’ (all virtual right now, joy) but can’t put into place what I need to around the appointments. I read a load of articles on how to live a more sustainable life not based solely around money and good for self worth etc but can’t deal with the advice - letting go, be kinder on yourself, small goals. Mind article said do something you enjoy pretty sure not talking about spaffing £100k on an AM. That’s all I truly enjoy - making and spending money. Maybe no help for me ha. Also feels like a 3rd business trying to go for the sustainable route in personal life?

Wife’s all ‘we could work on exercise together’, wants me to sign up to 10km run with her next year. I’m not even saying I don’t enjoy running or gym because I do but I don’t get the same high from it and all more effort than spending/ driving/ getting wasted. Seems like work tbh and have enough of that in my business life so suppose outside of work I like doing stuff that requires less thought/ working on progression etc. Tbf probably have !!!!!! the chemical composition of my brain from all the self destructive behaviours over the years. 20s like a lot of people out every weekend too much drink, too much blow. Only interests business/property/cars. Kept reasonably fit aesthetic reasons really rather than goals/ gains whatever. 30s eased off on the nights out but lost the social side of it, income up spending up. Business/property/cars got to point I thought I could coast and money would just keep rolling in in bigger amounts, no surprise it didn’t just made me angry I wasn’t where I thought I’d be with business/portfolio/res home/cars now. Reasonably fit still like to look good for wife tbf. Ended my 30s on the chang in the morning at home wtaf is wrong with me I don’t know. Can’t give up hope of sorting myself out but psychologically struggling since start of this week tbh. Massive part of sorting myself out is getting to the point of being able to live peacefully within my means as I build business further and not want to spend 24/7.

You probably know this, but may not have thought of it in these terms - look to your net happiness.  Your spending highs need to become very rare in your life which means you have two choices for your out of work time. 

-Just try to avoid the spending without doing other things, no enjoyment and lots of temptation time. 

-Get busy with hopefully mildly pleasant things.  Some enjoyment is better than none. You don't need to aim to run 10k but maybe your aim needs to be to fill an hour of the day with exercise.

plu

ladyholly said:

I don't think I have ever come across someone so hard on themselves. Give yourself a break. You have come a long way and although the journey may be long and hard have the belief you can get to your goal. 

There's a meme that has always hit home  to me - and maybe would help OP: 
 "If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, would you allow this person to be your friend?"

enthusiasticsaver

@alt80 I listened to part of this podcast by an American behavioural science professor this evening and thought of you.  It is about how dopamine affects the brain and if you have a dopaminergic brain it can drive high achievers but also leave them feeling dissatisfied with what they have achieved because they are always chasing the next high. It gives some suggestions on how to cope with this if you have this type of brain.  He has written quite a few books and papers about it. Might be worth a listen 
 
This rang particularly true from some of the things you have written. 
"All dopamine derived pleasures DON'T LAST - as soon as we what desire in the future becomes what we have in the present, dopamine shuts down - and achieving it becomes a let down"


https://www.successpodcast.com/show-notes/2019/4/24/never-satisfied-always-feel-like-youre-chasing-the-next-thing-heres-why-with-dr-daniel-z-lieberman

The current beating yourself up with guilt and anger are counter productive emotions. You have to learn to let it go and forgive yourself and then move forward. 

maddiemay

This entry on Chris Kresser's website about "Our inner critic" might compliment that mentioned above by @enthusiasticsaver. 
Quote:-  How can we quiet that voice and allow ourselves to courageously knock the judge off our shoulder?

NorthernSoulSouthernLife

enthusiasticsaver said:

@alt80 I listened to part of this podcast by an American behavioural science professor this evening and thought of you.  It is about how dopamine affects the brain and if you have a dopaminergic brain it can drive high achievers but also leave them feeling dissatisfied with what they have achieved because they are always chasing the next high. It gives some suggestions on how to cope with this if you have this type of brain.  He has written quite a few books and papers about it. Might be worth a listen 
 
This rang particularly true from some of the things you have written. 
"All dopamine derived pleasures DON'T LAST - as soon as we what desire in the future becomes what we have in the present, dopamine shuts down - and achieving it becomes a let down"


https://www.successpodcast.com/show-notes/2019/4/24/never-satisfied-always-feel-like-youre-chasing-the-next-thing-heres-why-with-dr-daniel-z-lieberman

The current beating yourself up with guilt and anger are counter productive emotions. You have to learn to let it go and forgive yourself and then move forward. 

This was what I was trying to get at the other day, when I inadvertently made you think I was referring to you as a addicted to drugs (I really wasn’t)  I really think it’s worth you exploring this with your counsellor. 

Like many have said this is a long game for you, financially but also mentally, so it’s vital you find some Less destructive outlets . 

The thing with working with any therapist is that we have to fully engage to start seeing a difference. Finding the incentive, time and Energy to invest in Yourself usually means you need to see the value in YOU.
You really are making huge Steps in addressing your current mindset & your diary is showing how much you are becoming consciously aware of your Thoughts/ choices /behaviours, this really is to be celebrated.
YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU ARE DOING THIS (just not necessarily as quickly as you’d like to) 

alt80

Thanks all. Went to bed early with wife she’s fast asleep I’m wide awake again lol.

Not sure how acknowledging further debt is a good thing? - it’s torturing me further tbh. Did talk to wife about it and she just adds more - res home mortgage. She’s sat and worked out no cars, no cards, no res home mortgage and BTLs with no PGs working to the now budget for food/ fuel etc there’d be over £5k disposable every month. How much money I ‘waste’. She doesn’t want to move or leverage against the equity we have in res home. Hate her getting involved in my finances just as a way to shame me further and tell me I’m not good enough to get the home I want and want my family to be able to enjoy too. Always going to have the shame of not getting to the 7 figure level for res home if she wins. Now can’t sleep thinking about it. Catch 22 don’t want to upset her but don’t want to live in this level of house forever. Going around in circles I know.

Promised someone I know through business I’d help mentor his son who is a final year student and going to be coming into my industry next September. Forgot all about that until I got the email, now feel obliged. He’s a good lad been on a few placements in my business if he doesn’t choose to go for one of the big grad schemes I’d be happy to employ him so not that I don’t want to help I’m just not in the right mindset to do it. Said to the dad he should perhaps consider an industry where he will earn more. The dad just laughed and said I’m deluded if I think there’s many earning same as me round here. When I was 20/21 current income would have been beyond the dream - just found I can’t survive on this income and need more. Should be able to I know I earn well for where I live but absolutely tortures me I don’t see five figures after tax. Wife thinks it’s mental I can’t enjoy the lifestyle I have - lot worse off I know that.

My counsellor is not the problem - I’m the problem. I can’t find peace with the simple things, don’t understand being kind to yourself - don’t see anything to be kind about re me. @enthusiasticsaver thanks I did read the article will definitely listen to the podcast probably tomorrow but from what I read yes very much sounds like me. @maddiemay I’ll take a look tomorrow thanks.

dawnybabes

There’s no shame in not having a 7 figure house.