First Steps to Solvency

mothsinmywallet_2

Hey there. Hope you are ok. Worrying about you. You have been through some massive and stressful changes. The scales are falling from your eyes and you are now in the most uncomfortable bit. Change is really hard but staying where you were would definitely have been harder. 

alt80

Called healthline also spoke to counsellor - don’t like to keep bothering them but have been told I can call anytime and they will get back. Better than getting into a bad state of mind I think.

All out in open with wife about last week and no doubt her parents will now be aware too. Fairly certain it will make things worse between them and me as not a chance they’ll see reason with that. Half expecting FIL turning up here wouldn’t be the first time tbh. 

Done 10 minutes on the chill app this morning.

Wrote a list of a few things I can do with son over rest of this month and November- something I came up with was to learn good morning and good night in 30 languages colouring in the countries on the map. Think he’ll like that. He’s wanted to join a football team for a while going to look into that too (no chance under restrictions) maybe take him to a few games when all this covid stuff is over. Perhaps I’m just dreaming we’ll ever be allowed to go to a match? Wife has apologised this morning tbf she knows she massively overreacted re son and can see it’s not something I’m doing regularly didn’t stop her from trawling through the current account over the past 3/4 months but I suppose proved my point. 

I need to move on from my entire life revolving around getting high in some way mainly the spending. Think I need to work out my ‘why’ as far as business is concerned- money has always driven me forwards and competing with others. ‘Winning’ is all I’ve been bothered about. Suppose I’m afraid if I let go of wanting to spend/ lifestyle my business life will get worse as I won’t have the motivation to drive forwards. Can’t imagine not wanting the lifestyle at this stage though am aware it’s contributed towards self destructive behaviour and bad decisions.

Re banks that’s very true and somewhat drives the stress- some of the portfolio is with lenders who still have old style ltv covenants: if the market drops they can ask for money to bring back into ltv. Doesn’t happen in res market so probably only a few on here will know what I’m talking about but it’s not really ideal, don’t feel it’s a massive danger right now but would be if the market saw a significant drop. Which it potentially will although no actual signs of that here right now. A property mate recently made a video explaining to new investors how badly wrong having these covenants can go in a downturn - I already knew the risks but it’s hard knowing I’m the one in that potential trap should a significant correction happen didn’t help he put that one out there with all this going on in my life. 100% not personal I know but almost seemed it lol. 

Suppose I’m facing up to how deep the debt pit runs and how much the stupid panic remo affected both my finances and that of one of my businesses. Always tried to kid myself I’m untouchable but I’m not and have put myself in a position vulnerable to recession. Sure if I’d not been so bothered about the lifestyle stuff I’d be in a better position both personal and business ironically probably would have a larger income and have saved up money for the car habit eg when I had my last RRS paid for I have saved to buy current RR etc. Even if I’d still financed it and invested the money elsewhere id be offsetting interest and possibly generating further income and I’d be in a better position overall with the cars. What’s most frustrating is I know this stuff and all seems too late to start now because it’s years of sacrifice and I’m not getting any younger. I’m not someone in a pickle because they haven’t got a clue how to make their income work or on such a low income it’s simply just really difficult to get by. Lots on here seem to be don’t envy anyone getting by on £2k/m or less and in work massively affected by covid. Know a few in real life too (tenants). This for me has happened for no other reason than greed and getting a buzz from spending.

dawnybabes

The hardest step is realising why you are spending - now you need to grow and heal from this.

mothsinmywallet_2

I think you should read Lost Connections - it's an amazing book and I think a lot of it would resonate with you. 

curtains174

Hi, why don’t you look at a sport that you can do as a family, or just you and your son? My daughter plays tennis, it’s been a god send over lock down as one of the few sports which has continued with minimal disruption. It a game I never thought I’d enjoy, but wanted to be able to play with her when she was younger and I’ve continued even though she no longer wants to play with me as I’m rubbish!

There will be other sports you can do if tennis isn’t your thing, what activities does your son do out of school? Is there something you could do with him?

It’s almost never to late to repair mistakes of the past, you are learning and are able to move forward, you’ve come a long way already, keep going, continue with the therapy, think about visiting the GP and please don’t be too hard on your wife. I suspect she’s also struggling with the reality of your financial situation and it must be very hard for her watching your struggle, it’s very hard position for you all. Small steps and you’ll get there.

Take care

RelievedSheff

I'm sure you can come up with some things to do with your son that don't cost the earth.

A trip to the coast for fish and chips and a walk on the beach (after tier 3 restrictions are lifted of course), a trip to the garden centre to see and feed the fish (leave the wallet at home though ), find new places to explore on foot, new woods, country estates etc. We have found some fantastic walks not too far away doing this. Dukes Wood Oil Field Nature Reserve can't be too far from you, well worth an explore and free to visit. There are the estates at Welbeck, Clumber, Rufford and Thoresby. We enjoy just a simple walk along the canal, it's surprising what you can spot along the way.

alt80

BC gone - paid it off. Min payment for December (would have been last one on 0%) moved to BC2. Thinking about closing the account altogether, strike one off - won’t affect my utilisation massively, the cards are not close to being maxed. Will spend a bit of time later working out the figures again but somehow paid £10k off the card debt as of today (almost all sales so not carrying on at this rate). Didn’t quite manage to stick to the budget so there was £200 that we overspent. Can’t do much in Tier 3 so November should be a cheap month. I turn 40 reckon I’ll just work through that tbh not looking forward to it, can’t go out thanks Boris and no chance to go and spend a few £k. New decade new attitude maybe ha.

@dawnybabes yeah I know why I do it and all the other self destructive stuff then think it’s ok because I’ve got a business / house etc hold down some illusion of being ok so I just carry on. Need to be less image conscious and more honest (even with myself).

@mothsinmywallet_2 I’ll have a look but if it’s about ‘finding God’ I’m 100% not interested. F**k that lol. Appreciate some are into that kind of stuff but really not my thing.

@curtains174 My wife plays a lot of tennis in the summer. I used to also. Son does football, swimming, games club and choir. All in school, not that committed to any of them tbh he just enjoys them but not obsessed / particularly gifted. He won’t be an athlete or musician. Don’t mean any of that in a nasty way - know a lot of parents think their offspring are geniuses definitely some of wife’s mates are awfully competitive about their kids. I’m pleased we have an average kid who’s not at either extreme academically or otherwise tbf.

@RelievedSheff Initial reaction was that’s not going to give me a buzz not going to lie lol but maybe that’s not what I need to be chasing all the time. Son loves going to the countryside and the aquariums. Need to make my life less about me more about family maybe it will help the cravings for stuff.

Grumpelstiltskin

Alt Can you drop everything and get out into the countryside tomorrow whilst you still can?

OK   You might have to park somewhere a bit muddy but let your son get out and enjoy himself.

DayDreamerandGeneralWaster

Nothing like a walk in some woods this time of year, colours are lovely. Great mental boost too.

Andyjflet

alt80 said:

BC gone - paid it off. Min payment for December (would have been last one on 0%) moved to BC2. Thinking about closing the account altogether, strike one off - won’t affect my utilisation massively, the cards are not close to being maxed. Will spend a bit of time later working out the figures again but somehow paid £10k off the card debt as of today (almost all sales so not carrying on at this rate). Didn’t quite manage to stick to the budget so there was £200 that we overspent. Can’t do much in Tier 3 so November should be a cheap month. I turn 40 reckon I’ll just work through that tbh not looking forward to it, can’t go out thanks Boris and no chance to go and spend a few £k. New decade new attitude maybe ha.

@dawnybabes yeah I know why I do it and all the other self destructive stuff then think it’s ok because I’ve got a business / house etc hold down some illusion of being ok so I just carry on. Need to be less image conscious and more honest (even with myself).

@mothsinmywallet_2 I’ll have a look but if it’s about ‘finding God’ I’m 100% not interested. F**k that lol. Appreciate some are into that kind of stuff but really not my thing.

@curtains174 My wife plays a lot of tennis in the summer. I used to also. Son does football, swimming, games club and choir. All in school, not that committed to any of them tbh he just enjoys them but not obsessed / particularly gifted. He won’t be an athlete or musician. Don’t mean any of that in a nasty way - know a lot of parents think their offspring are geniuses definitely some of wife’s mates are awfully competitive about their kids. I’m pleased we have an average kid who’s not at either extreme academically or otherwise tbf.

@RelievedSheff Initial reaction was that’s not going to give me a buzz not going to lie lol but maybe that’s not what I need to be chasing all the time. Son loves going to the countryside and the aquariums. Need to make my life less about me more about family maybe it will help the cravings for stuff.

When you next do something with your son, for example, feeding the fish, stop for a minute and be mindful of that moment, look at his face, his enjoyment, that's priceless, literally hasn't cost anything and means the world to him, those moments are the ones he will remember of times spent with you, make more of those moments.