First Steps to Solvency

ladyholly

You sound to be in a very dark place and need some help now. Make an appointmentment with your GP asap and also your consellor. My husband always described his depression a bein g in a very deep ditch and being unable to climb out. As soon as you take a step up you slide two steps back. I know most people describe a tunnel but I think a ditch is better having also been there. I would say to you if this is how you are feeling then you can climb out but you need help to take the first steps. If you have private health ins. and I think you said you have use it and get help asap. Your state of mind will impact on your family even when you dont mean it to.

alt80

@theoretica the only people that know in real life are causing me a lot of grief and I wish I’d never been honest tbf. Appreciate not a massive amount of sympathy here either,  not really expected. Well I did initially as I thought everyone would be in the same position, similar amounts of issues with the mindset and spending problems. Turns out not the case.

For round here I see a decent income probably nothing in London but that’s half the issue as people think I’ve got it made. 

alt80

Been on the chill app for 20 minutes do feel a bit more clear headed at least. Should do that earlier in the day or the stuff the counsellor has told me to try. Ok with it when in the right frame of mind but doesn’t cross my mind when not. 

Told her what I did last week - she’d been in the banking app and asked me about the money I spent and what it was for etc. I just decided there was no point in lying. Knew it was coming when she decided she was going to start checking the account and cards. Had to be today as she knew the new money was hitting the account. I knew it think that’s why I went looking to buy her an advent calendar tbh. She told me she doesn’t want me to have an active involvement in our family life right now she wants me to ‘just carry on paying the banks’ and ‘stop being a disgrace’. I’m really struggling and going to call the healthline tomorrow (through health ins) think I need to - nothing else than spending worth living for isn’t normal I know that much and things at home are really bad. Her response ‘you need a !!!!!! lobotomy not a chat’.

Wrote a list of things to do tomorrow including some work stuff and dealing with this month’s figures / paying the cards. Hopefully be in a better state of mind tomorrow and she will have calmed down.

We are tier 3 from Thursday. I would like to go out for dinner either tomorrow or Wednesday wife doesn’t so can either go on my own or not at all. Don’t think lockdown rules affect business but will have to look properly tomorrow. I’m tired of the government interference and not helping my mindset with the uncertainty. 

Valuation date for further advance on development project come through pleased about that - it’s not for paying debts off lol.

Cooked my own dinner tonight chicken pesto pasta with red pepper and cherry tomatoes. Son tried a little and enjoyed it wife went mad; they’d already eaten - forkful of pasta not going to make him 20stone. Not allowed to read him a bedtime story and can only walk dog on my own so not going to stop myself giving him a bit of pasta lol.

alt80

@JCS1 @ladyholly I’ve got to get through this yes need help I think. Want to work it out for my son even if my marriage is over. 

Also need to move on from the spending as a mechanism of coping with my issues.

I had a massive 3 / 4 day spending binge after the all clear for potential cancer it was so massive I don’t want to even get into it but the F-Type was one of the purchases. Binned fee earners off to go and buy it too - big regrets there. Nothing wrong health wise I refused to believe the reason for my symptoms was stress so had every test imaginable privately. Never got over waiting and seeing people who were going through it. Got counselling for health anxiety that followed but didn’t address the £140k in spending and allowing my business life to coast. In a complete pit now - facing up to the remo and now the pay down. 

ryanm8655

Just wanted to say, most of us have similar issues to you in terms of the spending. You just have a higher income and more flamboyant lifestyle than most, with the flash cars and private schools. It doesn’t make you any better or worse, or mean that you have a problem others don’t. We all spend more than we earn, many of us do that to fill some kind of void, you’re not alone. 

I also get you on the spending money on people to apologise/make you feel like you’re doing a good thing for someone. I do the same. Last year I bought my cousins a PS4 for Christmas for similar reasons. I’m trying everything to give myself those little highs, even started giving blood just to feel like I’m doing something good and worthwhile. I think lots of people have the same struggles, even though we’re all from different walks of life.

I can imagine how you’re feeling right now and I feel for you. I had a similar patch not too long ago. Avoiding the drink is a huge achievement and I think you’re a better man than me on that front. Though it only makes things worse. Same with other less legal highs.

This isn’t forever. It’s a short term thing in the grand scheme of things. You’re doing really well with it, remember that. Just got to get through it and the mindset will change, there will be ups and downs, moments where you think you’ve gone backwards...but the general trend will be forwards... Then in the future you’ll be growing your business and getting that income you long for, only you’ll appreciate it more after this experience. You’ll amaze yourself looking back.

Every now and then I like to go back to the early part of my diary just to remind myself how far I’ve come. You’d be shocked reading your own diary back. Even now at this relatively early stage. 

I would recommend the gp. Fortunately my really dark patch only lasted for about a week, though I had been building to it. Had it gone on any longer I’d have seen the gp. At the end of it I was considering going back to counselling but I am largely ok again now, though up and down like a yo-yo like everyone else. Never felt like that before in my life, it was weird, I just couldn’t get the anxiety to disappear and couldn’t do anything other than just drive and think. Really odd looking back. 

You have a great income for any part of the country, let alone where you are. Certainly not average. I don’t know many people that earn as much individually and most of my London friends have very good jobs. I also know mates with far more debt than you have. Actually had one start crying on me at a social gathering one evening as they’d racked up a £100k debt by spread betting (a couple of weeks before they were talking about buying an AC Cobra with what they’d gained through leveraging but had got themselves into big trouble when a trade went bad, which led them to lose far more than they had), having recently quit their job to start a business. They were in a mega low place but they’re in a much better place now a couple of years down the line, both financially and mentally.

shoppingobsessed2020

That’s not fair of your wife to stop you interacting with family life.  You need that time with your son especially at the moment.  

I would push the issue on that, you are his parent as well and he needs both of you but she’s probably feeling that’s the only bit of control she has in her life at the moment which is why she’s pushing back on you.

i would let her read the diary so she knows what your going through.  It’s easier I find to lay it all out in writing rather than face to face especially when emotions are high.

hope you have a better day today.

getmore4less

I am beginning to control issues creeping in, while you had total control over the image you could keep hidden the true state of your affairs.

You can't do that forever as one goal is bigger income.

That needs bigger business and you have to give away control to attain the growth, from day to day fee earning up to board level for strategy and planning, you can't do it alone, work on your mentors and who you need to bring into the business to restore growth. 

Same with family finances you can't hide behind the secrecy any longer.

You need to share control. 

RelievedSheff

Hopefully the wife will have calmed down a little bit today. It is unfair of her to try to stop you interacting with your son. He shouldn't be used as some sort of toy in this whole ordeal. You need that family time to help you chill out and unwind.

Perhaps suggest that you cook a meal for the three of you to sit down and eat tonight?

enthusiasticsaver

I think your biggest issue is the stress you obviously are under. You do also seem to have an addictive personality and your wife also sounds like she is very focused but on weight, diet and exercise rather than spending and you both appear to be very concerned about the image you portray and it is this which is causing you to spend and feel stressed if your usual release mechanisms are not available to you. Counselling or a GP appointment might be a good idea as you seem to be spiralling downward. Your wife also sounds frustrated with the situation hence her desire to assume some sort of control and not be around you much. That is not healthy long term and neither of you should use your son as a bargaining tool.

I think it is worth reminding yourself how far you have come over the last month. Add up the debt figures from your first soa and do them now that you have paid off the BC. It doesn't matter that it comes from selling stuff, you have still made sacrifices and have lived within a budget for the first time ever. The progress you have made is just over one month and things will look different in a year. It is important to realise this situation will not continue forever. When the cards are gone you will get £1k a month back to spend as you wish but hopefully you will have learnt enough over the period it takes you to clear them to realise no one has unlimited budgets and you, like everyone else can live within your means. Then focus on growing your business and getting back to where you were before you remortgaged the BTLs. Also remember what the banks can give you they can also take away. Don't ever be so dependent on them as you are now. 

Andyjflet

OK I'm going to be a bit tough, the facts are, you earn good money but you have less available than a lot of average earners on here, you know that. What is tiring to read is that you cant see in front of you the things that should make you happy, your son, walks in the woods, relaxing with your family. Its physically draining me listening to the "dont want to live a life without nice things" drivel every day. 
I tend to withdraw in myself when things dont go my way and I realise I'm only doing myself damage. Please continue to get help so that you can see clearly in front of you, it will take time but one day it will click.
Oh, by the way, watch Minimalists on Netflix, doc about people who get swept along with marketing hype on Iphones, clothes, and how some people broke free from that, one guy was a Wall Street trader and realised after a promotion that it would never be enough, so he walked out there and then, decided that he wanted to be "him" and live a life of meaning not chasing stuff.