Timing for distribution of "estate"

MoneySeeker1

No misinterpretation of what parents said - they'd been saying it all along (ie before the grandchildren turned up) and I found out they'd even told friends of theirs (who were also very surprised). Way back - when my brother first did an "Ask" for "some for my children too" that was the words he used (admitted by my own mother - who, at that time, asked me if I'd agree to them specifically having something and the Will being changed - and I said I didn't agree). So, as far as I knew, things were still exactly the same.

I can't speak for my brother on this - but I never ever once "asked" how the Will was going to be. I'd been told -I know it's the norm to divide equally between children and so I accepted it (ie that it was just going to follow the British norm).

 Obviously he'd been told - and he hadn't accepted it (he was the one that was always "asking" after all for things).

I'm well aware my best friend has two adult children (each of whom have a differing number of children to each other) and she's told me clearly what her will says - and that it's 50/50 between the two children - in accordance with her principle of bringing them up exactly equally. Her reason for that - 1. If they want their own children to have any - then they give it to them from their own share 2. The one with fewer children shouldn't lose out because the other one had more children. 3. Most importantly - she's been absolutely scrupulous in every single respect to treat them exactly equally from Day 1 - because she wanted them to learn that is an important Value to have and she wants them to be friends/supporters to each other throughout their lives (rather than falling out when she dies - because of differing treatment). They are very much so friends/supporters to each other accordingly and get on extremely well. I have yet to meet a more doting grandparent than her. She and her husband always wanted to be grandparents - and it's clear how much they care about those grandchildren.

Re the house cleared out - I was gobsmacked that the house was totally cleared-out/cleaned (by firms employed to do so) and on the market literally within days. It's whistle-clean and tidy and all the paperwork was up-to-date anyway, as they'd been made POA a year or so beforehand. No work at all has been done to get the house ready for market - it's just gone "as seen" - and clearly in need of modernisation etc.

xylophone

I was gobsmacked that the house was totally cleared-out/cleaned (by firms employed to do so) and on the market literally within days. It's whistle-clean and tidy and all the paperwork was up-to-date anyway, as they'd been made POA a year or so beforehand. No work at all has been done to get the house ready for market - it's just gone "as seen" - and clearly in need of modernisation etc.

This all seems fair enough provided that you were asked whether there were any items that you would like to keep.

Your nieces/nephews have received specific bequests.

You and your brother have shared the residuary estate equally?

thepurplepixie

Just because your friend does something it doesn't mean that is the norm or that everyone has to do it.  My mother in law left all her GC £5k each, no one batted an eyelid.  Is it the norm?  I have no idea but it was her money and she wanted to give each GC something.  She also gave a significant amount to the Conservative Party which I personally found a strange decision but her money her decision.   Your mother's decision seems reasonable to me but then my parents had nothing to leave me so there wasn't a row, we all got nothing.

Your mother talked to you about leaving something to her GC, you disagreed but you didn't have the final say so on it, she asked your opinion, she had your brothers opinion and she made her decision.  That was her right.

As to the house being on the market quickly well it might be a sensible decision, autumn is setting in but if you get a quick sale it won't be sitting empty in the winter which is a good thing and there does seem to be a bit of a post lockdown boom going on which might end at any time so waiting might cost you alot.

I really think you need to try and put this behind you and if you can't maybe you need some counselling.  Your spite towards your brother is really poisonous and ultimately it will do you more harm than him.

naedanger

MoneySeeker1 said:

Re the house cleared out - I was gobsmacked that the house was totally cleared-out/cleaned (by firms employed to do so) and on the market literally within days. It's whistle-clean and tidy and all the paperwork was up-to-date anyway, as they'd been made POA a year or so beforehand. No work at all has been done to get the house ready for market - it's just gone "as seen" - and clearly in need of modernisation etc.

The executor might be concerned that one of the beneficiaries will be breathing down their neck if they don't get a move on. (I don't actually think that will be the reason for moving so fast, but I obviously don't know.)

gizmo111

MoneySeeker1 said:

No misinterpretation of what parents said - they'd been saying it all along (ie before the grandchildren turned up) and I found out they'd even told friends of theirs (who were also very surprised). Way back - when my brother first did an "Ask" for "some for my children too" that was the words he used (admitted by my own mother - who, at that time, asked me if I'd agree to them specifically having something and the Will being changed - and I said I didn't agree). So, as far as I knew, things were still exactly the same.

I most certainly will not be asking permission from my adult children for their agreement on how I spend my money whilst alive or when I have passed.  My Will and how I choose to distribute my assets is none of their concern whilst I am alive, and if at any point whilst I have capacity I wish to change my Will then I will not be seeking their permission to do so.  Not sure why you think you had the right to agree or disagree on the contents of your Mothers Will whilst she was alive?

I can't speak for my brother on this - but I never ever once "asked" how the Will was going to be. I'd been told -I know it's the norm to divide equally between children and so I accepted it (ie that it was just going to follow the British norm).
Not sure why you think this is the 'British norm'.  Almost everyone I know has made provision for their grandchildren in their Will, they are very much loved family members in their own right.

onwards&upwards

It seems that the OP has a very clear set of ideas that she feels strongly should be the 'British norm' and struggles to comprehend that other people's ideas can be equally valid. 

It strikes me that if she were much younger today maybe she would have a diagnosis regarding her very fixed way of thinking and some support with how to manage the difficulties this can bring.  OP, its never too late to get that diagnosis and support, just talk to your GP and open up about how much of a struggle you have had in your relationships with others. 

DairyQueen

onwards&upwards said:

It seems that the OP has a very clear set of ideas that she feels strongly should be the 'British norm' and struggles to comprehend that other people's ideas can be equally valid. 

It strikes me that if she were much younger today maybe she would have a diagnosis regarding her very fixed way of thinking and some support with how to manage the difficulties this can bring.  OP, its never too late to get that diagnosis and support, just talk to your GP and open up about how much of a struggle you have had in your relationships with others. 

What a patronising post.

OP is deeply hurt - not suffering from a mental illness or in need of counselling.

Each family has its cultural norms and mine shares the same ideas as OP. Every generation to date has split their entire estate (whatever the value) equally between their children. Unsurprisingly, none of the sibling beneficiaries within my family have been estranged.

Compare that to the situation OP describes and worse, where children are bequeathed different shares. That's an absolute guarantee of lifelong strife between the siblings. It's tantamount to saying the last words to your child: "you were loved less than the others". That may not be the case but that's how it feels to be on the receiving end.

Time and again I have seen the result of a misplaced parental impulse to bequeath against expectations. In this case the parents have guaranteed that their children will have no relationship. OP's response was entirely predictable.

My parents are still with us but they would never be forgiven by me or by my brother if their grandchildren were beneficiaries of their wills. The GCs time will come as they will inherit from us in due course. Within our family each generation knows what to expect - equal shares of the entire estate split between the children regardless of any one child's behaviour. or circumstances There is no advantage to being supportive and no disadvantage to the opposite. We care for our parents because we want to do so and not for any reward. 

I am very sad for OP and for her brother. Sibling relationships become even more important after they lose their parents. in this case, the parents actions have denied their children the most important of all bequests - a strong and close relationship.

onwards&upwards

DairyQueen said:

onwards&upwards said:

It seems that the OP has a very clear set of ideas that she feels strongly should be the 'British norm' and struggles to comprehend that other people's ideas can be equally valid. 

It strikes me that if she were much younger today maybe she would have a diagnosis regarding her very fixed way of thinking and some support with how to manage the difficulties this can bring.  OP, its never too late to get that diagnosis and support, just talk to your GP and open up about how much of a struggle you have had in your relationships with others. 

What a patronising post.

OP is deeply hurt - not suffering from a mental illness or in need of counselling.

I've read a lot of the OP's posts, my thoughts are not just based on this one.  It is not intended to be patronising, she is clearly in a great deal of pain and I feel for her, but this distress is not new, the OP has had a life of struggle I think, and it doesn't have to continue to be that way.

Also, you've got the facts wrong there, the OP and her brother have been given equal amounts. 

MoneySeeker1

Thank you Dairy Queen - it's exactly as you say. Appreciated. A different viewpoint to some is just that - ie a different viewpoint to some (equating to whether people are pro or anti Brexit or pro Lockdown v. pro freedom. Yep - Brexit voter and pro freedom here. Those are not mental illnesses - they are personal viewpoints - as is this.

Clarifying - lions share to my brother and his two children (ie they've not just been left a token gesture amount - which I could have accepted).

There is also the point that one would have thought my mother might just have understood - as the same thing happened to her. One of her siblings got a lions share - at her expense - and I can recall her complaining about that to me enough times and then she went on to do exactly the same herself. I can't recall what grandmothers excuse was for that - but it wasn't unequal number of children I believe and would appear to be because my mother was the most "unwanted" by her of grandmothers children. I guess that's much the same again then - but it's hardly my fault that I was the first child and she had a very difficult time of it all round. One can't be held responsible for what childbirth was like and for then being a baby that needed taking care of.....

It does carry a message with it. I always knew my brother was my mothers favourite - and I'm not surprised/disillusioned with her behaviour on this (because I know what she's like and have seen the way she can be all round to people). But it's broken the relationship I thought I had with my father - because he went along with it. As a believer in life after death - I'd felt like I could still "talk" to my father/get his advice/support etc - and now I can't. That's gone too - because he went along with it. 

I agree with you re the lasting effect of things having been done that way - I'm being told all sorts of tales by other people of the same sort of thing happening to them and it's always culminated in words to the effect of "We're not in touch any longer - I hope I never spot them in the street again". I won't "stew in bitterness" - I'll just get it all "over and done with" as best I can and then literally forget my brother/his family - except when empathising with anyone else I come across that's experienced the same thing and they'll know I understand where they are coming from.

thepurplepixie

OP and Dairy Queen it really isn't unusual to leave money to GC, lots of people do it and in lots of families it doesn't cause a problem.  I believe the Queen Mother left alot of money to Prince William and Prince Harry and let's face it they don't even need it.  Very often the children are mature adults and the GC might be much more in need of the money given the current economic situation.
OP as I read your last post you and your brother got equal amounts but his children also got something, is that right?  If so how is it unfair if you both got the same?  As regards you asking for money for your favourite charities they might not be something your parents cared about where they clearly, and quite understandably, care about their grandchildren.
I find it amazing that a grown adult would fall out with their siblings because GC got an inheritance and I can only assume the relationship wasn't good to start with.