Timing for distribution of "estate"

theoretica

MoneySeeker1 said:

He wouldnt have to think like that - re "taking an inheritance off his children". Just donate that part of his inheritance that went directly to him. He/his family together would still receive a fair share. It could be made even that way - without touching his children.

I doubt that would help even if he were willing, it seems to be suggesting trying to undo something you point out is not about the money by adjusting the money.  You would still know what your mother's will had said.  As others have said, seeing her grandchildren as people in their own right and more than part of your brother's family seems to me the best way to come to accept this.

MoneySeeker1

It's true I would still know what my own mother did to me. As I know the full circumstances obviously - then I know this was quite deliberate spitefulness/vengefullness on her part for not living my life the way she had decided (well - obviously - as it is my life for me to decide on). I've always been well aware her idea of parenting me was to decide how my life should go and then be unhappy about me making my own decisions about my own life (even though none of them were law-breaking/immoral/etc  in any way). According to her take - I'd have stayed put in the same town as her, married someone she approved of and that would have a job (not career - as they're more likely to mean moving away), would have two children and would accept whatever way I saw her treating other people in front of me and agreed with her viewpoints on things (no matter how awful they were). Definitely not been a "child of the 1960's/70's 'find yourself/be your own person' era" LOL.

I have pointed out to my brother the evidence that this was deliberate spite on her part against me - and he hasn't commented at all on that aspect (I'd say that constitutes he knows very well it was - but it benefits him and so he's not planning on "defending" me from the effects). I don't know whether he's ever witnessed her being spiteful/nasty to other people - as I have and had to tell her eventually she was to stop treating people that way and I'd apologise (on her behalf) to any more people she did it to in front of me. I would take him putting things right as "Oh well - at least he has shown fairness towards me and sympathy for her having treated me that way. Okay - fair enough as far as he is concerned". But he hasn't and that tells me all I need to know about him....that not one word of sympathy or helpfulness has come from him.

Re children "people in their own right" - well...if I'd chosen to have children and someone had given them money, I would have taken it as very positive towards me and that they'd been given help I would have liked to have given them (eg anyone that wanted to pay to cover the cost of private schooling for them and I'd have taken it as feeling I'd been helped out - for not having the money to cover those sort of costs myself). Not that any of us (to my knowledge) are in that financial bracket anyway to afford that sort of thing.

Anyway - bar my brother (or, to be more accurate, his wife) turning into a nice person (I'm not going to lay any bets on that one happening I'm afraid) - then the sooner it's all done/dusted - the sooner I can forget them and get on with my life.

thepurplepixie

If it isn't about the money then what is the point of asking your brother to change the money?  If it is about your parents and how they treated you well that boat has sailed hasn't it. 

As to this sort of thing always ends with relationships breaking down, well that is rubbish, I've told you my MIL left each GC an equal sum of money, no adult batted an eyelid as that was about her relationship with the children not the parents, my grandmother left what little money she had to my mother, her siblings were fine with it, there were reasons why they knew they "owed" my mother and this was a small gesture acknowledging that.

I think it is quite strange when people who never had children claim they have subsidised families.  Has it occurred to you that people your age made great sacrifices so that you can have doctors, nurses, hairdressers, power workers, sewerage workers.  We subsidised you as you benefit from our children.  I wouldn't normally say that but I think it is very rude of you so I had to reply.

-taff

Your brother is not going to disinherit his own children because you are miffed with your mother. Why would he? Why would anyone? It really doesn't matter what prompted your mother to make her choices, she made them and so what? If you really are the independent woman you seem to think you are, then you are beholden to no one and no one owes you anything.

On other threads, you talk about  how your choices are your choice and that you won't be changing your mind about the way you do things no  matter what. So if that applies to you, then surely it also applies to everyone else who makes choices. Including your mother.

xylophone

You have said repeatedly that your brother is benefiting from the legacies to his children.

Assuming that he is acting in accordance with the law, his fiduciary responsibility is to hold those funds in bare trust for his children during the time of their minority, to use any monies taken from the trusts during that minority for their absolute benefit and to hand access and control of the funds to them on reaching their majority (18/16 depending on residence).

Your nieces/nephews are as much descendants of your parents as you and your brother - why not accept that your mother had the right to dispose of her property as she chose? 

If she had been that vengeful or spiteful, she could have chosen to leave you nothing - and as you are not a dependant, you would have been in a very weak position had you chosen to dispute the will.

You have chosen not to have children (as is your right) - however, those who did have brought up  the  citizens who are now  doing the vital jobs on which you depend - appreciate their dedication!

badmemory

I can fully understand why this has upset you.  After you have watched your mother upset over how a grandparents will was affecting her, for her then to do the same thing must be extremely upsetting for you.  But no matter what your brother does it will not change the actual will.  Your mother wrote it & it is her that has upset you, not your brother.  There is no cure for this.  All you can do is just say my mother did not deserve me & move on.  You can always spend her money in a way that you know she would hate!

cbrown372

Over many years and different user names the OP has posted about how much she disliked her mother and brother and that she could never find a man like her father who was worth marrying. Probably the fact that the much loved father "allowed" his wife to include the loved grandchildren in her mother's will is what upsets her most. Allegedly her mother's fault that she only ever had a job and not a career and because of her she chose to have her tubes tied and so be unable to produce children, all very sad and bitter.

My Mum's sister was childless and when we were clearing Mum's wardrobe and sorting out her things I took my aunt to help us and my sister said to her I guess the next time we do this will be for you??  Well that was her undoing as my sister hardly kept in touch after that and it was me who sat with her in hospital on Christmas Day and with her when she died. Sister was on holiday when this happened and I organised the funeral and surprise when it came to the will apart from a couple of hundred pounds to a neighbour's kids I was the sole beneficiary of her house and estate. The moral being you reap what you sow. The solicitor rang me some time later saying my sister had asked about seeing the will but as I was sole beneficiary it was up to me to say if she could see it, I refused. I had looked after the house for nearly a year while holding a POA and making sure she had money in hospital for haircuts and was as happy as she could be not being allowed home but I did it with love and that is what matters at the end of the day not money.

MoneySeeker1

LOL at the comment of spend it the way she'd hate. I know exactly what she'd hate most - time for me to head for Dover and just give it away to the first people that I spotted on the beach and tell them it was a present from my mother. I'd probably hear her "screaming" from Heaven about that I do know. In my case though - IF (and that's a big IF) there's any "spare" it would go to environmental charities - and she'd look at me blankly for doing that. Not going to blast any "spare" on "wine, men and song" and start taking drugs or anything - as I've never taken drugs in my life (though I know exactly where I could ask for some if I fancied trying it). So - no....she would actually approve of every single penny spent if it indeed turns out there isn't "enough" - with being very practical and getting what I need most (just as I usually do...).

I'm too practical to do that and very aware that there looks likely to be no money left over to "just blow" after seeing about things I need (the most I'd be likely to "blow" would be holding a party for friends - and then I'd probably save the rest too). I've got the sinking feeling there may well (probably won't be) not be "Enough" even and things that are necessities may well land up having to "drop off the list - as there's not enough money for them".  I've written out a priority list - in the likely event there isn't enough for everything and put the dearest/most important stuff up the top of the list and contingency savings and paying off the loan I had to take out for the kitchen (as I'd run out of savings) down the bottom of the list (there'll just have to not be any contingencies basically.....I can't cater for everything).

 So expensive work on my home comes first and getting the car I've finally (reluctantly) decided to get - so I'm being very practical and just hope there's enough to get my home finished and get that car (which I shall do anyway regardless - and am just hoping I don't have to get it on finance to manage it). So I'm going to be very very practical with it and maximise what I can get from it that's necessity.

Probate has now been granted and there is a possible likely buyer in the wings for the house - so fingers crossed it will be as sorted as I can get it soon. I've not dared take a peek yet at the figures to date I've been supplied with - I may need a strong brandy before I dare take a look a look at them (by the time care costs have taken a large amount previously and now with the "will shock" reducing things further a heck of a lot). I'd gone down to being a very modest drinker indeed just before Lockdown and it's gone back up again coping with Lockdown - so I daren't buy booze to have to hand for a couple of days - as I'm trying to at least restrict the "Lockdown anaesthetic boozing" - as I'm still supposed to be on a diet (that went on Day 1 of this).

bouicca21

I have 3 childless friends. All have nephews and nieces.  One has left everything to charity. One has left everything to a friend.  One is intent that ‘family money’ should stay in the family.  Those 3 very different outcomes are all ‘normal’, they just reflect different sets of priorities.  Leaving a chunk of money to grandchildren - who are likely at a stage in life when it could make a real difference, with the possible added benefit of reducing the potential IHT liability of their father’s estate  - strikes me as an absolutely ‘normal’ thing to do.  The problem is all in OP’s mind.  Maybe it was a calculated insult, more likely it was a sensible division of family money.  But what does it matter?  Why let it fester?  My parents never understood my desire for a career or any of my achievements.  To their dying days my parents  were the only people who insisted that I was Mrs Married Name rather than Dr Maiden Name.  Their problem, not mine.  I was never the frilly biddable child they expected a girl to be, but that ceased to be my problem over 50 years ago.  

Our parents are independent human beings in their own right. They have flaws like the rest of us.  Learn to live with it.

thepurplepixie

I'm not sure how anyone's mother can stop them having a career.  That sounds really odd.