Timing for distribution of "estate"

MoneySeeker1

thepurplepixie said:

I'm not sure how anyone's mother can stop them having a career.  That sounds really odd.

Mis-reading of my post.

What I said was "My mother wanted me to marry a man with a job - not a career". My mother and I both know that men with careers are pretty "mobile" (as in worldwide mobile) and hence she'd have rather I was bored stiff and immobile, than "having an interesting time of it - learning loads from him/getting encouraged by him" and mobile....and gone....

The dust is still settling in a lot of respects all round and I expect it will maybe take a couple of years to "clear completely" and then I'll be able to look at it all (including my own life to date) absolutely objectively and see if there is a way forward/if so what it is. Everything is a learning experience and many things help clarify what has been happening to date....and this must be one of the major ones in many peoples lives.

Though actually my analysis is she certainly didn't want me to have a career either - just a little "pin money job". Well - she was/remained a 1950s woman and I do know one of the things she didn't feel easy with about me was I was capable of a good bit more than she was and it's taken me a very very long time (darn it!) to realise that fact. Wish I'd known 40 years ago...and stood up for myself. It is what it is - and it's only since March 2020 that I've fully realised just how much more I could have done than I actually did (darn it!). Better late than never...and I've realised just how much I've clearly been learning and hadn't realised.

LOL - to mothers using wrong titles - oh yes...I could not get my mother to address things to me in any way other than "Miss" and I expect it would have been the same even if I'd had a prestigious type title she should have been using - instead of my own bog-standard "Ms". I've often thought I'd have had a hell of a battle with her about what my name was if I had ever got married - I'd have had to studiously avoid telling her my husband's surname - or she'd have been insistent on addressing me as "Mrs His Surname" LOL. He'd have been "under strict instructions" not to let on what his surname was to her...

Though, I do recall a (very recent) conversation with a woman in this area (bit younger than me - but not huge amount) where she was telling me how her own mother had deliberately done her best to subvert even jobs - and how she'd got round it LOL and does duly have a job okay now. What she told me was pretty "incredible" - but I believed her and cheered for her. There are women like it.....

Aranyani

thepurplepixie said:

 Has it occurred to you that people your age made great sacrifices so that you can have doctors, nurses, hairdressers, power workers, sewerage workers.  We subsidised you as you benefit from our children.  I wouldn't normally say that but I think it is very rude of you so I had to reply.

I don't think anybody who has a child does so in order to provide a nurse or sewer worker for future generations, do they?

MoneySeeker1

Aranyani said:

thepurplepixie said:

 Has it occurred to you that people your age made great sacrifices so that you can have doctors, nurses, hairdressers, power workers, sewerage workers.  We subsidised you as you benefit from our children.  I wouldn't normally say that but I think it is very rude of you so I had to reply.

I don't think anybody who has a child does so in order to provide a nurse or sewer worker for future generations, do they?

LOL - and there'd been me thinking people have children because they want them.

I look back and know that I would have taken it as read any children I'd had would go to University/get a career/etc. Then things changed and Everyone now goes to University and there's no guaranties at the end of it all for Anyone. 

So I'd have been looking hopefully at them for signs they might be good at plumbing or electrical work for instance and hoping they might go in that direction. But it wouldn't have been for the sake of other people - necessary as those jobs are. It would have been because that's the sort of work that always needs doing/pays well and would be a useful skill for them to have on a personal level (and "BTW - son or daughter - can I have 'mates rates' please on any jobs you do for me?"). My motivation for hoping they might like to go in those sort of directions would be purely and simply based on they could probably earn twice as much by going down that route and have a more comfortable life for themselves.

thepurplepixie

Aranyani said:

thepurplepixie said:

 Has it occurred to you that people your age made great sacrifices so that you can have doctors, nurses, hairdressers, power workers, sewerage workers.  We subsidised you as you benefit from our children.  I wouldn't normally say that but I think it is very rude of you so I had to reply.

I don't think anybody who has a child does so in order to provide a nurse or sewer worker for future generations, do they?

That might not be their motivation but it is a fact isn't it.  They probably don't have children to get family deals either, which the OP is so resentful of but she doesn't refuse the services of other people's children.

thepurplepixie

MoneySeeker1 said:

Aranyani said:

thepurplepixie said:

 Has it occurred to you that people your age made great sacrifices so that you can have doctors, nurses, hairdressers, power workers, sewerage workers.  We subsidised you as you benefit from our children.  I wouldn't normally say that but I think it is very rude of you so I had to reply.

I don't think anybody who has a child does so in order to provide a nurse or sewer worker for future generations, do they?

LOL - and there'd been me thinking people have children because they want them.

I look back and know that I would have taken it as read any children I'd had would go to University/get a career/etc. Then things changed and Everyone now goes to University and there's no guaranties at the end of it all for Anyone. 

So I'd have been looking hopefully at them for signs they might be good at plumbing or electrical work for instance and hoping they might go in that direction. But it wouldn't have been for the sake of other people - necessary as those jobs are. It would have been because that's the sort of work that always needs doing/pays well and would be a useful skill for them to have on a personal level (and "BTW - son or daughter - can I have 'mates rates' please on any jobs you do for me?"). My motivation for hoping they might like to go in those sort of directions would be purely and simply based on they could probably earn twice as much by going down that route and have a more comfortable life for themselves.

But those parents probably did without, time and money, to encourage their children to be useful tax paying citizens.  You resent that you subsidised them by them getting a family deal on something but you totally miss the point that you benefit from the sacrifices their parents made not to mention the effort their children have made.  Just imagine a world where no one was under 50, there wouldn't be enough people of working age to support us oldies in practical or financial ways.

thepurplepixie

MoneySeeker1 said:

thepurplepixie said:

I'm not sure how anyone's mother can stop them having a career.  That sounds really odd.

Mis-reading of my post.

What I said was "My mother wanted me to marry a man with a job - not a career". My mother and I both know that men with careers are pretty "mobile" (as in worldwide mobile) and hence she'd have rather I was bored stiff and immobile, than "having an interesting time of it - learning loads from him/getting encouraged by him" and mobile....and gone....

The dust is still settling in a lot of respects all round and I expect it will maybe take a couple of years to "clear completely" and then I'll be able to look at it all (including my own life to date) absolutely objectively and see if there is a way forward/if so what it is. Everything is a learning experience and many things help clarify what has been happening to date....and this must be one of the major ones in many peoples lives.

Though actually my analysis is she certainly didn't want me to have a career either - just a little "pin money job". Well - she was/remained a 1950s woman and I do know one of the things she didn't feel easy with about me was I was capable of a good bit more than she was and it's taken me a very very long time (darn it!) to realise that fact. Wish I'd known 40 years ago...and stood up for myself. It is what it is - and it's only since March 2020 that I've fully realised just how much more I could have done than I actually did (darn it!). Better late than never...and I've realised just how much I've clearly been learning and hadn't realised.

LOL - to mothers using wrong titles - oh yes...I could not get my mother to address things to me in any way other than "Miss" and I expect it would have been the same even if I'd had a prestigious type title she should have been using - instead of my own bog-standard "Ms". I've often thought I'd have had a hell of a battle with her about what my name was if I had ever got married - I'd have had to studiously avoid telling her my husband's surname - or she'd have been insistent on addressing me as "Mrs His Surname" LOL. He'd have been "under strict instructions" not to let on what his surname was to her...

Though, I do recall a (very recent) conversation with a woman in this area (bit younger than me - but not huge amount) where she was telling me how her own mother had deliberately done her best to subvert even jobs - and how she'd got round it LOL and does duly have a job okay now. What she told me was pretty "incredible" - but I believed her and cheered for her. There are women like it.....

No I didn't misread your post.  Maybe you missed the post made by someone else who commented on you not getting on with your mother and you blaming her for your lack of career.  Maybe go back and have a read?

Aranyani

thepurplepixie said:

Aranyani said:

thepurplepixie said:

 Has it occurred to you that people your age made great sacrifices so that you can have doctors, nurses, hairdressers, power workers, sewerage workers.  We subsidised you as you benefit from our children.  I wouldn't normally say that but I think it is very rude of you so I had to reply.

I don't think anybody who has a child does so in order to provide a nurse or sewer worker for future generations, do they?

That might not be their motivation but it is a fact isn't it.  They probably don't have children to get family deals either, which the OP is so resentful of but she doesn't refuse the services of other people's children.

They have children because they want to have children.  No more no less. 

Savvy_Sue

MoneySeeker1 said: 

So I'd have been looking hopefully at them for signs they might be good at plumbing or electrical work for instance and hoping they might go in that direction. But it wouldn't have been for the sake of other people - necessary as those jobs are. It would have been because that's the sort of work that always needs doing/pays well and would be a useful skill for them to have on a personal level (and "BTW - son or daughter - can I have 'mates rates' please on any jobs you do for me?"). My motivation for hoping they might like to go in those sort of directions would be purely and simply based on they could probably earn twice as much by going down that route and have a more comfortable life for themselves.

Is everything about money for you?

I guess 2 of my 3 are earning to full potential, but one of the partners probably isn't, and my eldest definitely isn't - but he's happy with his life, he's a decent, caring individual in a line of work not famed for those qualities. 

Both DH and I could have earned more over the years, but there are things money can't buy. 

thepurplepixie

Aranyani said:

thepurplepixie said:

Aranyani said:

thepurplepixie said:

 Has it occurred to you that people your age made great sacrifices so that you can have doctors, nurses, hairdressers, power workers, sewerage workers.  We subsidised you as you benefit from our children.  I wouldn't normally say that but I think it is very rude of you so I had to reply.

I don't think anybody who has a child does so in order to provide a nurse or sewer worker for future generations, do they?

That might not be their motivation but it is a fact isn't it.  They probably don't have children to get family deals either, which the OP is so resentful of but she doesn't refuse the services of other people's children.

They have children because they want to have children.  No more no less. 

They don't have them to get cheap entry to attractions which the OP objects to, however she benefits from the sacrifices parents have made to bring up the useful young adults who are paying her pension and looking after the infrastructure.  I can't believe how petty and bitter she is.

thepurplepixie

Savvy_Sue said:

MoneySeeker1 said: 

So I'd have been looking hopefully at them for signs they might be good at plumbing or electrical work for instance and hoping they might go in that direction. But it wouldn't have been for the sake of other people - necessary as those jobs are. It would have been because that's the sort of work that always needs doing/pays well and would be a useful skill for them to have on a personal level (and "BTW - son or daughter - can I have 'mates rates' please on any jobs you do for me?"). My motivation for hoping they might like to go in those sort of directions would be purely and simply based on they could probably earn twice as much by going down that route and have a more comfortable life for themselves.

Is everything about money for you?

I guess 2 of my 3 are earning to full potential, but one of the partners probably isn't, and my eldest definitely isn't - but he's happy with his life, he's a decent, caring individual in a line of work not famed for those qualities. 

Both DH and I could have earned more over the years, but there are things money can't buy. 

Well she claims it isn't about the money.  Can you see that pig flying in?