I want a baby but he doesn’t. Yet.

Retireby40

Pollycat said:

Retireby40 said:

Is there any suggestion that OPs partner never wants to be a parent? I dont know where that was plucked from but how many 24 year olds want to be a parent now compared to wanting to be a parent ever.

I was one of the posters who mentioned that as a possibility.

Pollycat said:

Like the poster above, I think there is a possibility that your partner may decide that having children is not something that he wants - ever.

I would be having a very frank discussion with him and expecting total honesty.

It was 'plucked from' the experience of a good friend of mine who - just like the OP - was desperate for a child (the OP actually says in her original post "He knows that this is the only thing I really want in life right now").

My friend's husband said he wanted children 'in the future'.

After a frank discussion, it turned out that he'd never been really sure that he wanted children - despite his many assurances that he did - and he decided 10 years into the relationship, after being pushed hard to be truthful, that he didn't want children. Ever.

My friend was devastated.

The relationship ended.

The OP asked for advice.

I thought it might be helpful for her to know that some men - despite their assurances to the contrary - don't want to be a Dad.

Yeah but again that's only experience from one person.

I guarantee you now if you genuinely ask 100 23/24 year old people male or female would you want a child now a minimum 80% would say no.

Is that important to this situation. Not really as what other people think doesnt matter to each individual. The OP really wants something now that her long term partner has said he wants but not yet. He is on the majority side of this idea meaning more people think like him than like her. He isnt being irrational or unreasonable. He hasnt stated he doesnt want kids. He has stated what the majority would say. What probably most rational thinking 23 year olds would say. And while the OP has every right to want something now and not risk waiting who's to say that waiting a couple more years wouldnt be beneficial.

Is now the time for the OP to completely throw all caution to the wind, leave her long term partner and seek someone wanting to have kids now? Someone she has no feelings to, no deep connection with and probably somebody she doesnt plan to stay with just because waiting 2-3 years seems too long.

I'm putting myself more in the shoes of her partner than her probably because I agree with them more. I do get the OP wants to be a mother more than anything. But sometimes in life we have to take a step back and think of the logic.

If partner refuses to have a child now what are the consequences and are they worse than the possible consequences of waiting 2-3 more years? Again we are talking about a 23 year old.

We all have our deep and burning desires in life and want to act now before it's too late. But life isnt a game of just go for it. You may hate your job but you dont leave without another one and £0 in the bank. You might dream of visiting New York but instead of crippling yourself with CC debt you take an extra year or two to save.

Life is completely unpredictable. One thing the OP knows is that her current partner is clearly someone she gets on with and plans to spend the rest of her life with. Leaving that will not guarantee a baby. That much I do know.

Pollycat

Retireby40 said:

Yeah but again that's only experience from one person.

I didn't say it was anything other than that.

You said you didn't know where it was 'plucked from'.

I explained where it was 'plucked from'.

The OP can decide or determine whether that is a possibility within her relationship.

And FTR - I am not suggesting and never have suggested that this is "the time for the OP to completely throw all caution to the wind, leave her long term partner and seek someone wanting to have kids now".

You appear to assumed a lot from a 2 sentence post of mine.

I thought this was a board for advice...I simply made a comment based on an experience that a friend had.

I'm pretty sure that that's what a lot of people do who post on here.

Retireby40

Pollycat said:

Retireby40 said:

Yeah but again that's only experience from one person.

I didn't say it was anything other than that.

You said you didn't know where it was 'plucked from'.

I explained where it was 'plucked from'.

The OP can decide or determine whether that is a possibility within her relationship.

And FTR - I am not suggesting and never have suggested that this is "the time for the OP to completely throw all caution to the wind, leave her long term partner and seek someone wanting to have kids now".

You appear to assumed a lot from a 2 sentence post of mine.

I thought this was a board for advice...I simply made a comment based on an experience that a friend had.

I'm pretty sure that that's what a lot of people do who post on here.

I wasnt directing the "throw caution to the wind" at you. I was elaborating on my own personal opinion. It was for the OP. Like everything else I said apart from the "plucking" reference.

The forum is certainly open for people to share their experiences. Hopefully you've read the advice ive given. However what I wouldnt do is base my advice on 1 experience.

I think at 23 she has enough time to work out if her husband to be in genuine or not. And we have 0 reason to believe he isnt when he says he wants to wait. We have to take people at their word otherwise we go down the route of  never trusting anyone and pushing everyone and everything in life away just because we dont see action at that moment.

Pollycat

Retireby40 said:

I wasnt directing the "throw caution to the wind" at you. I was elaborating on my own personal opinion. It was for the OP. Like everything else I said apart from the "plucking" reference.

The forum is certainly open for people to share their experiences. Hopefully you've read the advice ive given. However what I wouldnt do is base my advice on 1 experience.

I would have thought your advice was directed at the OP, not to me.

It's certainly waaaay too late for me. LOL

Retireby40 said:

I think at 23 she has enough time to work out if her husband to be in genuine or not. And we have 0 reason to believe he isnt when he says he wants to wait. We have to take people at their word otherwise we go down the route of  never trusting anyone and pushing everyone and everything in life away just because we dont see action at that moment.

I'll leave that for the OP to decide.

And act upon when/if she sees fit.

I really do think you're making far too much out of one comment.

And I really don't think you're giving the OP the credit she deserves by trying to close down one avenue of thought.

Retireby40

Pollycat said:

Retireby40 said:

I wasnt directing the "throw caution to the wind" at you. I was elaborating on my own personal opinion. It was for the OP. Like everything else I said apart from the "plucking" reference.

The forum is certainly open for people to share their experiences. Hopefully you've read the advice ive given. However what I wouldnt do is base my advice on 1 experience.

I would have thought your advice was directed at the OP, not to me.

It's certainly waaaay too late for me. LOL

Retireby40 said:

I think at 23 she has enough time to work out if her husband to be in genuine or not. And we have 0 reason to believe he isnt when he says he wants to wait. We have to take people at their word otherwise we go down the route of  never trusting anyone and pushing everyone and everything in life away just because we dont see action at that moment.

I'll leave that for the OP to decide.

And act upon when/if she sees fit.

I really do think you're making far too much out of one comment.

And I really don't think you're giving the OP the credit she deserves by trying to close down one avenue of thought.

Stop with the pettiness Pollycat. My opinion is my opinion. I have tried to provide logical reasoning. Yours is yours. Move on. Unless you can counteract my points and provide some more logical arguments apart from that you had a friend whose husband said he wanted kids and never did. (We know 0 about that relationship or circumstances could be totally different from OPs).

Pollycat

Retireby40 said:

Pollycat said:

Retireby40 said:

I wasnt directing the "throw caution to the wind" at you. I was elaborating on my own personal opinion. It was for the OP. Like everything else I said apart from the "plucking" reference.

The forum is certainly open for people to share their experiences. Hopefully you've read the advice ive given. However what I wouldnt do is base my advice on 1 experience.

I would have thought your advice was directed at the OP, not to me.

It's certainly waaaay too late for me. LOL

Retireby40 said:

I think at 23 she has enough time to work out if her husband to be in genuine or not. And we have 0 reason to believe he isnt when he says he wants to wait. We have to take people at their word otherwise we go down the route of  never trusting anyone and pushing everyone and everything in life away just because we dont see action at that moment.

I'll leave that for the OP to decide.

And act upon when/if she sees fit.

I really do think you're making far too much out of one comment.

And I really don't think you're giving the OP the credit she deserves by trying to close down one avenue of thought.

Stop with the pettiness Pollycat. My opinion is my opinion. I have tried to provide logical reasoning. Yours is yours. Move on. Unless you can counteract my points and provide some more logical arguments apart from that you had a friend whose husband said he wanted kids and never did. (We know 0 about that relationship or circumstances could be totally different from OPs).

There is no pettiness from me.

My opinion is my opinion too.

We clearly disagree.

You do not have to agree with me.

It really doesn't matter to me if you do or don't. On this particular topic or any other.

I'm not going to throw a strop. I'm not a snowflake.

I really do think you are taking this far too seriously and far too personally - for some reason known only to yourself.

How about we both move on...

Retireby40

Pollycat said:

Retireby40 said:

Pollycat said:

Retireby40 said:

I wasnt directing the "throw caution to the wind" at you. I was elaborating on my own personal opinion. It was for the OP. Like everything else I said apart from the "plucking" reference.

The forum is certainly open for people to share their experiences. Hopefully you've read the advice ive given. However what I wouldnt do is base my advice on 1 experience.

I would have thought your advice was directed at the OP, not to me.

It's certainly waaaay too late for me. LOL

Retireby40 said:

I think at 23 she has enough time to work out if her husband to be in genuine or not. And we have 0 reason to believe he isnt when he says he wants to wait. We have to take people at their word otherwise we go down the route of  never trusting anyone and pushing everyone and everything in life away just because we dont see action at that moment.

I'll leave that for the OP to decide.

And act upon when/if she sees fit.

I really do think you're making far too much out of one comment.

And I really don't think you're giving the OP the credit she deserves by trying to close down one avenue of thought.

Stop with the pettiness Pollycat. My opinion is my opinion. I have tried to provide logical reasoning. Yours is yours. Move on. Unless you can counteract my points and provide some more logical arguments apart from that you had a friend whose husband said he wanted kids and never did. (We know 0 about that relationship or circumstances could be totally different from OPs).

There is no pettiness from me.

My opinion is my opinion too.

We clearly disagree.

You do not have to agree with me.

It really doesn't matter to me if you do or don't. On this particular topic or any other.

I'm not going to throw a strop. I'm not a snowflake.

I really do think you are taking this far too seriously and far too personally - for some reason known only to yourself.

How about we both move on...

I'm taking nothing personal. All the opposite.

You were the one who interacted and opened dialogue with me. Not the other way around. I wasnt offended nor felt the need to defend my point of view. That indeed was you. In reference to the "plucking the idea" from.

Anyway....as you say let's move on. Any meaningful contribution that I planned to make has been made as you can see above before all this.